shizoaffective reorder

"It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society." - Jiddu Krishnamurti

 I've been through things brought on by my experimentation with natural medicines and other chemicals.

So the fact that I feel enraged by the intransigence of almost everyone else, who live in fear, who consume what the media feeds them, would rather be entertained than entertain themselves or educate by experience is no surprise, or at least should not come as one, I chose this route, for good or ill, became unwell but learnt so much that I can't say in the long run I made the wrong choice as long as in the end it was for good reasons

So the battle, the test, the journey, the trial, the start and end of this human race needs to be just that a sure -fire way of seeing out as much of the next few years of this adventure in one piece, and continuing to survive long enough to help as much as possible, make my place, my attempt at providing service in as many ways as i can, strive to thrive and give as often as I can, write, explain in person, meet those who share in this.

Be a beacon, i was wondering about light and shade and darkness falling when the power goes out, the lights are switched off, the grid no longer gets its juice because there's been some kind of nuclear disaster again, we don't seem to be able to make the right decisions, just making the same ones over and over alike, like some kind of rat leaping over an obstacle no longer in its path but that became a habitual log in its rat run.

Just like those rodents, that we despise, because they like us require shelter, food and water for subsistence, just like us, the rat races from place to place, environments, seasons, constantly pissing themselves because their bladders are nonexistent or are they but i digress as usual don't know where this was going and oh I need to get a bath, for my tired and aching limbs from dancing last night, a few draws on a cigarette was all.

A regret of sorts, because it's been three months, I admit i smoked some lavender, harsh but fair in its soothing scent and effect, so I managed to see old friends and not go down old roads again, keep away from the fear inducing idea of lending myself another period of mental aberration,  no-one deserve that least of all those close, I've been very emotional lately, coming from deep within, the energy work i've been doing, hard.

I feel the resistance within me to keeping good habits, good diet, changing bed sheets more than ever i did, keeping clean personally, teeth, other medicinal advices kept up with, loving myself i guess some would say, being better in terms of my self care, so that I can be there, be upstanding for others too, love all of you, work, rest, play, live up to the high standards that i thought i had for me, but didn't expect of anybody else.

Reorganising, ready for christmas already, still some hangovers from this time last year, it comes back from time to time in my memory, i contend to upload it all, no area out of bounds, i have to live with everything, and with it comes back so many happy things, school interest trips, king fishers birdwatching comprehensive in the first year or two or three, walking holiday in the south around the river dart, grandmother and father.

Trying to piece together all the threads of all the different tales i've read, to write another narrative within, accept that the stories i carried around inside were not true, not wholly, i discovered back then, whiles ago when shaman recovered them to be relived, expensive but cheaper than prescriptions and seen like a movie in my head, the bangs on the bonce, the blood running down my face from something accidentally dropped.

Childhood mishaps and things like clapping hands around a dandelion with a wasp inside, to see how brave, ants under a magnifying glass, going pop, laying for hours in the grass, watching crickets and grasshoppers, it's all coming back to me now, walking backwards, talking forwards, eye contact, better relationships still fractured for whatever reasons, mine, others, faults left aside, blame even less distinct, no-one is all good.

So some would say we need to treat those who don't think or act the way we expect a certain way, they are right from their perspective, i have sought and wrought out truths that make more sense to me, but possibly they too are merely bias, a phraseology that supports my arguments, my points of view, taken, took the wrong way, perhaps another day, a machine will scan the head and place a red cross or green tick.

In the box on the screen next to it, if we're headed down the technological route in time before the planet looks at us and says, "hey that's mine" to the seas and land masses, the messes we have brought to bare, frought to share as we are loathed to admit, scared of it, the truth that hides in plane sight, we've ruined almost everything, it's not lying to say we're in the process of the sixth great extinction so what will we do?

Nothing, unless it's profitable, I've gone on too long again with my own brand of nonsense decision making, my take on the world and it's twin, the shaman i listen to most says we are really not here but holograms, a vision being projected upon a shadow of the real life that we could be living, shaken from our foundation, made to see ourselves as something we are not, creating a false picture that we believe is a truthful selfie.

From her words comes the wisdom that the earth and we, nature, the animals and human creatures too are all of the same stuff, energy, not crude matter, not even here in the accepted sense of the word, so rather than fight a battle we can't win, take ourselves away from it, become different within, choose love, expel it from our very hearts, change from the inside out, turn the world rightway up, as it's become upside down again.

Maybe it's occurred plenty of times in the past which is why our history is so confusing, the logical conclusion just the thing that folks who insist on taking the written word as gospel are bound to get wrong, when it's been so darned long, that it's just another story, one that we can't count on anymore, what's to be done then?  Forget to listen to others, listen to your own heart as long as you are not hurting anyone else.

That's the mistake I made, to get confused about the direction, lose my affection, numb and murder myself slowly over this fragile length of a life time and so i have to be brave, no longer see myself as a slave to dogma, anything other than the word of the divine that can be found not in the bottom of a glass, bottle, pill box, drug induced state, but inside the body when it's treated as a temple itself, not left dusting on a shelf.

The error, the hurt, wont stand, i live with that, took a different path, can see the lies i told myself, don't wish to look for anyone else, i take the blame, the sustenance, the shame onboard, set sail, set course, i've left it too late to bathe. maybe not, change those sheets, get rid of fungal infections, don't take anything that didn't once grow, continue the healing classes, to exercise the body, the mind, the spirit, talk to the soul again.

No wonder it was mad at me, ignored, sometimes saying good things I had no time to do because i was convinced, conned, tricked into believing something that was never true, this whole world a system held inside a lie, the universe, as though that was gods only try, there must be hundreds in the mist and how i'm reaching to end this without rushing, forcing it, what's coming out next?  My hope to go on loving, giving.

nature loves courage

awaken to our past, reconnect to the tribes, stand with standing rock and then maybe we can set course for a future together with nature +  it's on a knife edge and only those who would risk going it alone will live together in harmony, those who think our current way of life ought to continue are lost, technology is a cul de sac, it's almost too late, so what will we do?  Choose to have one child per western privileged family so that the birth rate and population naturally goes down?  not in a world so sickly addicted to commerce, that idea cant be sold to a populace told to grow its economy or the whole thing will implode which is a lie because we never needed money to live for the first 100,000 years as modern humans, as thinking peoples, as tribal societies :) we have hope left, an old hope can become our new hope for survival, forward with nature :)

these dreams that come when i close my eyes

for me a big part of my dreams now that i journal them again is things that happened that day, so what we consume in our eyes does get in there, but, and this is a big but, when i consciously ask to become aware that i am dreaming, to remember my dreams, to work on healing in my dreams before i sleep, the content becomes better and better, and i get closer to being able to face my fears, and i am calm even when there are aspects i would normally freak out about, although i don't get emotional when there are scary things, i just accept or run away, but lately ive been visited by lions and been ok with it, by my pets from the past that i thought i would never see again, it's been really lovely 　 + 　 i wish you well be confident in your words before sleeping, be hopeful for a solution, and it will work on your waking state too i assure you, peace and love for this time, that we all face together

the ghost of christmas future

so im no scrooge but this time of year tends to , has in the past created an issue for me
I, in my own narrative, the story of my life as I would tell it, have been depressed a lot
This time of year, the darkness, the lack of sunlight, the cold and feeling of staying in.
I guess I also, I know in fact that i've been unemployed a lot at this time of year so I couldnt earn and spend money on christmas gifts, let's celebrate the fact that we're alive, have family, loved ones in the world and stuff but I also wonder how many of those in this country are actually Christian, we have Christian names, we go to church or the crematorium and have a service for the funeral of a loved one, or wedding or christening, few go to church much more than that and pay lip service to having their bands read to be able to be wed.

I guess, no i wonder, if there's such a thing as god, i contend that I was always interested, curious, of the opinion that there might be something, i can't remember the word for that, between nothing and everything, between believer and sceptic, open minded and sceptical in fact, as I went to spiritualist church to see mediums present evidence that there is life after death, which is the explanation for that they do given.  I went to receive comfort because I was hurting, and even then I heard a whisper, a thought in my mind not hearing to be honest, the thought was, something bad will happen if you go there, i won't say what, I've only ever felt good, only ever felt comforted when I've been there, in recent times have become quite emotional, especially when others are emotional too, the healing course I'm on means I get to connect to the spirit world, to allow spirit helpers to use me as a conduit for healing energies, it comes into me and through me to the patient.

So these whispers in my own voice, my own thoughts, were threatening, don't go there, don't do this, that.

I've given up drugs, i've fallen from the wagon a few times, because it was so deeply ingrained, I felt as though I was pulling a splinter slowly, that occasionally having a little go on a joint wouldn't hurt, especially as before I was smoking heavily every day, massive amounts of smoke, from very strong cannabis, the illegal type, i know it's all illegal, but the criminal funding stuff that is grown to be very strong, because that will sell, it gets stronger and stronger, is bred that way, because the thc, the stuff that gets you 'high' is desirable and the cbd, the stuff that counteracts, that balances it out, that is low in those strains, low in volume, in those plants, it's an anti psychotic, a natural one, it makes the cannabis plant, work in both directions one might say, it gets you high but grounds you in reality at the same time, perhaps from a spiritual point of view it takes you on a journey to freedom for your imagination, the ideas you come up with can seem immense, visions of a future you will surely enjoy where you will invent something, draw something, create something wonderful.

It gets your creative juices flowing in a way that alcohol certainly does not, and i imbibed both, one then the other usually, or at least at the start, by the end i was using one in the morning and the evening and weekends and drinking most nights, back in the day anyway, i quit my social group for the most part seven years ago, in an attempt to get away from drunken blackouts, again some call these a psychotic blackout, you are not aware of what you are doing, i would walk home from events, the pub, wherever, sometimes waking up en route, by falling into a ditch after leaving the summer solstice at avebury one year, off a bicycle, on the A4.

That woke me up, because it hurt, I came round, so i know what i was doing wasn't right, I quit the friends, quit the drinking to get drunk, it's a fine line between enough booze to get up and dance or lose your inhibitions and enough to black out and crash a car, not know what you're doing, become at the very least embarrased the next morning because you have no idea what you did the night before and no memory at all.

Not fun years those although I certainly laughed, i smiled a lot more, now, straight, as the term explains, straight not stoned, straight and clean and clear, I have these thoughts, I wish to express, explain, that and it's a scary thing, something I told someone about before, because I didn't like the idea that these thoughts weren't mine, I sought spiritual help because the medical help wasn't psychological counselling, it was self help groups, leaflets, antipsychotic medication, which is a slippery slope to complications and a diagnosis, the stigma of mental health, is strong, is prevalent, second only I would say to a criminal record, I'm glad no-one got hurt, when I was drinking, I certainly never seemed to do anything when blacked out that got me into any trouble, I hope I didn't do anything untoward, i'm in a very forgiving and wishing to be forgive state of mind.

This ghost of christmas future, visited me last year, i was on a high, stoned, writing a book, it's not true all of it, it's my take on my life, mixed with answers to questions I asked within my own mind, it ends up being of a nature I don't like or approve of, things were written that I would say the real me wasn't pleased with, but I felt I ought to write in there, because that was the answer I was getting, the questions I chose to ask at the time, I wonder about God and the opposite, are those folks who do awful things and suggest that someone told them to do them, are they on the same category, the same spectrum as i am?  For me, perhaps that is a truth a would rather avoid accepting because I wish to not hurt anyone, not even accidentally, it makes you want to curl up in a ball, find a cell somewhere and lock yourself in it, it's brought me to so much truth lately.

After christmas, I experienced a psychotic episode, i was acting out things that were completely a product of my own mind, or of these thoughts in my mind, not things I was hearing I wish to point that out, to me, all sorts of people I have met were contacting me in my thoughts, giving me advice, the result was that acting on this I felt under threat, that my family were under threat from an outside force, demons, devil worshippers, satanists is the word I used when i phoned the police, if this makes anyone who reads all this feel possibly quite rightly that they would rather not have me around, I understand, i would rather be honest, express the experiences, get it out there, understanding that the way i've taken what was happening so lightly makes no sense either, at the time I was acting in ways i was being encouraged to do so, and that makes it all the more likely and at the time understandable that those close to me wanted me to get help,  sought help, i got it.

I was ok when questioned by professionals, i snapped out of it I was told, but then i've been there for others, I've spoken to, held, comforted, calmed down and generally tried to be there for at least two folks experiencing something similar, one was talking about being violent, using the words that we know for the dark side of reality, is the talk within spiritual circles of a lack of a dividing line existing, does that make sense, that from an outside perspective of this place, there is no such thing as good and evil, just stuff, people, some good some bad, some very bad, some very good, and every mixture inbetween?  It's called dualism...

It's supposed to be the idea that like movies there is good versus evil, a black and white way of looking at things, that doesn't actually exist from outside this closed system, as though from a spiritual perspective, after this life, looking back on it, we might consider from that perspective neither to be good or bad, they just are.

I might be understanding it wrong, as the weeks have gone one, it's been coming up for a year since i quit, at least a year that is since i quit smoking every day, every week, i got rid of my paraphernalia, five years since i tried to quit the first time, felt it necessary anyway, since i was god from the beginning to the end of time...

Or at least i had an experience of being me, only i was god, everything, always having existed, forever, here, within this universe, then slowly i came from there, to here, becoming a lesser being, until becoming human.

Doing a talk for those around me at the time, who were caring for me, on impermanence, of experience.

Whatever they saw, i was asian, i was talking about how now you're smiling, now you're miserable, nothing lasts, everything changes and that's been my mantra, my life since then, to leave behind old habits, i got rid of my smoking devices, only smoked some joints, the more traditional method, with tobacco, changed to resin from the plant material, never bought any since last january, i've been told that a spirit sought shelter within me, that it may have liked what i was doing, may have liked the experiences i was living, because it could live through me, see through my eyes, that makes sense because that was my experience last jan / feb, i can't explain it all, don't wish to go on and on, just wanted to get it down on paper so to speak, i have thoughts, not daily, and less and less, facing my past, the actions, the choices, i have thoughts of ending it all to escape, to not have to face this presence in my life, my guilt and shame are one thing, i can cope with those, i knew i would face some kind of retribution, judgement at some point, i honour that, know that, feel like that would be the only thing to make sense of this life for everyone and everything, some kind of regress, i dont mean that word, redress?  the function of making right what was made wrong, i've done my best, am doing so.

I face the fact that I've done wrong, to those around me, they were caught up in my lunacy, idiocy, the feeling that i could handle what i was doing, that there was some kind of rightness to it, I know the difference, if is hurting someone, it isn't right, i know all the rules, the right and wrong, the dividing line, i find it hard to understand how i could get things so wrong, over time, i wonder how long it's been going on now?

How long has the person i was been depressed, under the thumb, under water, i used to stand up for what i believed was right, sought to get others to respect the people around me, don't let fireworks off here if you're going to, my neighbour has a dog, i had to compromise with friends to try to temper their excesses, i joined in too mind you, last year, at that time when my conscience was being ripped apart, my conciousness too, i was accused of all sorts of things within my own mind, that just weren't true but my memory couldn't back me up, i was sure I had never done any of the things I was being accused of, but it sought, the process, the ghost of the past, present and future, sought to make me face the idea of going to hospital, prison, wherever they stick people like me, so it brought me to my knees, sent me on wild ghost chases out into the wilds.

Getting me to look back on my life as though it was flashing before my eyes, as though i was about to die.

Not at my own hand, but I figured, if this is my last day, I would like to play scrabble with my mum.

That felt good, reconnecting with those around me, on a level not since childhood, being me.

So it's been hard to live since then, since it said you'll be a happy family before it's ruined.

Like a threat of times ahead, when our unit would be destroyed, by others?

At the time I was petrified, my conciousness sought a villain.

Sought to know who this was, what this was, all sorts of friends and aquaintance were on the line, in my mind i was being helped and hurt at the same time, re-educated in some respects, wash like this, clean like that, i suddenly started to do chores around the house, i don't do many, didn't, fought the idea that i ought to, as though i was doing something much more important, basically getting stoned and spending all my time with my mates, on computer games, something i sought to end a while ago, when i quit my old social circles.

I sought not to spend my money on frivolous things, i even experienced a vision, in a mushroom trip of a voice, or at least the idea that television, games, all of the things we are entertained with here basically are merely distractions from the real stuff, the truth of it all, going on in behind the bacground noise of the box.

I quit t.v. a long time ago, choosing to not start watching any new shows and finish those i was hooked on.

I quit all sorts of things to really give myself a chance of understanding more, learning more, stretching myself, so in some ways i was travelling in two directions at once, getting worse in some respects and better in others.  Wasting my money and time on things that seemed terribly profound at the time becoming less and less who i had been in the past, whilst also trying to extricate myself from those habits and people who i had on occasion the instinct to know, they are not your friends, they don't care about you, this is not right.

A learning ground, a lesson in everything, that's one of the spiritual assertions i've written about before.

As though this whole place, the answer to a question posed to everything, in my mind, was:-

This is a giant recycling centre for energy, it comes here to be turned into something good.

I may have paraphrased but I'm on a roll, facing the awful truth that I've written here.

The fact that when you feel different and not good, you feel unworthy of love...

Unworthy and guilty and ashamed and that makes you pull away from folk.

It makes you feel, quite rightly don't get me wrong, blowing hot and cold.

You pull away because you know what they don't, can't tell them.

So now I know, more and more of who Ive been and who not.

I know better and better what has been going on, it looks strange to me, feels stranger, to be unsure, to have experienced what i have experienced, to be shown what you're doing that you oughtn't to, to know it and decide to change, to question everything, to become less sure of everything too, to wonder, to get answers.

To feel as though when others say things like Christ!  I even did it myself the other day, i don't exclaim like that I just don't, I don't say oh my god, I don't say those things, I would say Oh my Goodness, I wonder, I hear folks use words like heaven and hell, quite without thinking, to have some experience of it is shocking.

I've written about this before, or perhaps I thought about doing so, I've got a post, a draft of a post, I never posted it, I look back on numerology, numbers are quite a thing, a slight obsession, worrying about them.

I was assuming I was doing good, experiencing things and writing about them, I would keep my posts one month to a certain number having assumed the information I was reading meant that was a good thing.

Spiritual people, those I have met of different faiths, traditions, they knw so much, they agree on so little, even between different branches of the same faith they find the slightest thing to be a cause for argument.

I was seeking to understand the basis for faith, the experiential basis, the eleusinian mysteries, the original faith, the original reason why people believed in god, gods, spirits, demons, daemons, angels, all of it.

Obviously I have become quite scared, the thoughts, now less so, less often, less conversations, no knowledge of the source, no knowledge of what, who this things is, that converses with me, that I have confessed myself to, unaware that it was anything not to trust in a naive way because of what i was given to believe, what i saw as the experiences i was having at the time, becoming a shaman, a healer, a believer.

Naive, stupid, careless, thoughtless, one of those who disappears with the fairies never seen again, don't want to upset anyone, im sure the good can take it, the bad don't care, it's not the worst thing ive done.

So if there is a god, my most recent mushroom experience, i just got the words, there is no god.

From whatever this presence in my life is, i ignore it for the most part, insulting though it is.

I need to be clear of it, you'll never be clear comes into my mind, that gets old fast.

It obviously doesn't like being ignore or basically the fact that I refuse to go back.

Refuse to treat myself or others with less than respect, am trying to do my best.

This is just one person in a huge world, with a massive population.

Don't ever read anything along these lines anywhere else.

Never hear anything other than the headline.

So and so did something, claims this.

We don't honour the truth.

Even my thoughts, when I think I must be mad, the answer, the thought next is, you are not mad.

Cursed then, I've thought that in the past, I wish everyone well, I smile for the living and loved.

We are really in a mess here, can't deny that our failings and failures have created this situation.

A shame but things could have gone so differently but the lowest common denominators won.

At one point, I was offered ultimate power, and I said back, no thanks, I would abuse it.

I would misuse it, I don't deserver it, I don't want it.  The reply to that was then earn it.

If that's what I'm doing having been through the initiation, the listing of all my wrongs.

At least this way I can't hide from the fact that I've got a lot to learn as i regrow.

I've noticed I'm more like i used to be, less good, less bad, in the middle.

More of my self seems to be back, while I hang in there, no pun.

I won't do anything to hurt others, or myself, thoughts are just that, thoughts, I can live with those, and learn to accept that years of numbing myself with drugs hid a lot of my subconcious from me, I battle with the assumption that I deserve what I am going through, and as jung would say if he hasn't been misquoted,

“There is no coming to consciousness without pain. People will do anything, no matter how absurd, in order to avoid facing their own Soul. One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.” 

and

'No tree, it is said, can grow to heaven unless its roots reach down to hell'

cowspiracy - title borrowed from the documentary of the same name

i was looking at some cows earlier in a stall under a barn thinking that if it weren't for being killed at the young age of three or milked they wouldn't be alive in the first place, and they live a life that some might call easy and comfortable, cared for, treated for any medical conditions but actually they would much rather be living free or not at all, would you like to be shut up in a barn or field all year round? So if that makes you think about the way we treat animals, perhaps it might make you wonder whether we ought to support that industry.

well fed up

nutrition comes from eating the fruits and vegetables that grow around in your country and seasonal is even better for you, thats why it grows then and nature knows all this which is why she produces the things we need to eat to keep our bodies healthy, food is now more and more tasty but made that way in a food lab to make us feel good at the time but it does not have much goodness in it so that we have to eat more, the once you pop theory of food intake from the people who gave us pringles, but if you can start to eat good food, you need less, you find your portion sized go down and you will be preventing most problems from even arising in the first place its just that when you have so little time, and go shopping, mostly we've fallen into the habit of buying what looks good that we can eat right away, and basically it isnt full of the goodness because thats less profitable for food companies to sell us, so its your choice and eating well really does make you feel good, brings so much of yourself back, from aches and pains that disappear to making a whole new body made of good stuff over a period of time, literally you are what you eat folks

happy new day

so here we are facing a new year and i have to admit im feeling everything so so clear, so much better than before and im scared but hopeful all the same that things will turn out better than they seem and that we can all learn to help each other to wake up from this dream to become more aware of our responsibilities, to become free to work on those rather than these shit jobs we find ourselves having to go to which only depress us further, slipping deeper into dis-ease and yes please i would like to start a place, join a place where i can grow food and only drink fresh and pure spring water, frolick in a pool outside and generally feel even more of what's inside us all, the purity of living and experiencing what it really means to be a human being, spiritually, physically, mentally and emotionally, we are all missing out these days on so many wonderful things our ancestors NEVER took for granted, they were always thankful for each new day as i am again, when i remember and let's face it together, we've all become a little shallow, a little slow to be thankful, a little late to the party that we were born to enjoy, living in freedom as a part of nature to see and experience her wonders, they're all around and yet we're tied down to debts and those systems that prevent us all from feeling really good and vibrant and well so let's all imagine how that would feel until we do and spread it around to everyone else, to our loved ones, feel good inside, wish them well, send a little of that loving feeling to everyone everywhere, send the love to all four corners of the world, the up and down, the left and right, the in and out, the far and wide, and see how it can be transformed by those who choose to live in the light and shine it brightly forth :) + <3

before now - written a few weeks ago reiterating what i believed - a draft until today

before there was a time when i would ask a question and i could almost feel the answer coming into my mind, as though it were being transferred from another source, another place, person, whatever...

Imagination was always important to me, so focussed on fiction and scifi in particular, reading it, watching it, loving it from start to finish, dr who, star trek, you name it, i really engaged with the characters...

so how would it feel to go from the sense that information could come into your mind from somewhere else, the akashic record, look it up it sounds awesome, who knows where, imagination, inspiration...

where does that stuff come from?  Some authors, to them their characters and stories come fully formed, decide for themselves what they will be, the author just writes it down as it comes to them...

lately though it feels more like my own thoughts and these other ideas are merged, they're all mine, not coming from somewhere else, even if i don't recognise them as nice, mine, the sort of thing i would like to think, or think it's good to mull over, and that's sad, scary, maybe in this world, that seems so nasty at times, it's easier to assume there is evil but no good, although i know many good people, who care, thoughtful, loving, the types of people that are good to know, but when it comes to religion and god, and faith, at what point do you say that you have some evidence, an opinion based on experience that speaks to proof whether just personal proof that there is a god, for me it seems as though looking at the acts of a few there is badness in this world aswell as goodness, i don't like to dwell on this subject, i don't watch horror movies, i tend to avoid the idea that bad things happen to good people, or only the good die young, or even truth of religion.

I never gave it much thought, i went to a C of E school, i sang hymns, and had religious education classes, but it was never really about a personal relationship with a deity, more of a habit, something we did.

Recently whether you'd call it wasting my life or a mid life crisis i began to see my behaviour as wrong, i sought out conciousness of and a desire to do what's right for others, around me mostly as i realised the effects my life style was having on those closest to me, and decided to turn things around, paid off debts, decided to treat myself and then others with more respect, get involved more, be more thoughtful, open up again to the world if you like, training as a healer came up at the spiritualist church i had been visiting on and off and it's going well, it's a scary idea for me to put myself into the situation of meeting and greeting people and providing them with a safe and welcoming environment from the perspective of social anxiety and knowing that it's a level of responsibility that i haven't faced up to much before, but it's been good to meet those who are also training, find myself feeling more empathy towards those around me in life, seeing the world as something im in and a part of, as though their problems are mine in a small way, keeping away from temptations like drinking and smoking and the drugs ive used in the past, detoxing from a life misspent in many ways, like a midlife crisis that comes and hits you, makes you look at your choices and aghast see how different things could have been, i know that my blog has become like a confessional, like the list of sins vaguely listed, the reason why i choose to change the way i live my life and am trying to do the right thing.

So is there a soul?  Is there a heaven and a hell?  Most spiritual / religious systems think so, I've even done a piece of art, that came out of me, expressing a hell like place, in the shape of a giant tree, the roots are dark red, to orange, to yellow and up into the trunk and then branches of a tree, souls are flying up and into the maelstrom of the branches of this giant tree, it's probably the most creative artwork i've ever made, finger painting, i usually only ever copied things, traced and drew things rather than creating art from scratch my stuff tended to look like a child had drawn it, i couldnt draw you a push bike that would look like it would be a comfortable ride, on a piece of paper, so like the bhuddists say contrary to the saying when hell freezes over theirs is a cold place, where you shiver, not burn, who knows, if you've done wrong though why not?

Oughten't people to go somewhere to pay for their misdeeds at the end of this life, it makes sense to me.

If you've done wrong there ought to be some checks and balances, make up for mistakes, pay for them.

if there's a heaven maybe you can go there when you've been to hell it's certainly a tough ask not to do something wrong here, at all, but i have seen how good most people are, how honest and that's good.

i watched the gospel of saint john the other day, it's a film with an actor i admire for his role in Lost as a character whose line i stole one day when leaving one agency job, for an interview at a council run graveyard, "see you in another life brother", desmond hume was his name i cant remember the name of the actor who played jesus in this film of the gospel of saint john, anyways off to waste some time online.

Facebook will be full of stuff about the u.s. presidential elections, i've been on a wild rollercoaster ride in the past few years, doing healing, massage, lots of parties, going from being someone who would love to know the truth of life, the why, and what, why are we here and  what are we here to do?  Maybe i've come close to knowing, whatever it is that i've been communicating with suggests there is a soul, and that if you're bad it's up for grabs, to most this will sound crazy, maybe it is, i just dont want anyone else to suffer because i do.

I had hoped we would be on a good course as a planet, that folks would see how we're going wrong and that magically, miraculously all sorts of things would come good over the next few years, i hope so i do.

someone said it would take a thousand years for us to fix everything that is wrong, maybe thats a bit more realistic, if we havent already messed the climate up to badly, there is hope still i watched a brilliant documentary called before the flood with leonardo dicaprio that taught me a lot about our lot in life.

As we wake up to the ways that we've been mislead, the ways that we negatively impact the world we live on, there will be a real drive, as our impact becomes more clear to find solutions to this problem.

is the truth of this life part of that?  do we all need to realise the spiritual heart that we all have access to, the reasons why religions exist, if there is a god, a reason for all this we should be more grateful for our lives.

To be born is a great miracle, billions of chances to one, that the sperm and egg that came together to make us did so, what a privilege to have a life to lead, to breath air, to see the sun set and rise, to experience nature.  Make the most of it, please, be good to each other, do right by everyone you meet, all the good stuff really, treat others how you wish to be treated, i've been under the microscope and been found wanting.

Not a nice feeling or experience and i hope this has a happy ending, this life of mine, whatever the outcome, thankyou to anyone who has ever been kind to me, thankyou to all who have loved me, thankyou world.

urban cookie collective

the awareness behind the dream, that awareness being me, said giving is the key +

dont drink dont smoke what do you do?

i think there is a very real experience that all human beings can feel when they start to respect and treat themselves better and eat food not products containing all sorts of additives and preservatives and maybe that's just a sense i get because i've been on this trip for a little while now, changing my ways more often than not still going to the cinema and eating pick n mix or the odd pint here and there so not a complete don't drink don't smoke, what do you do yet but it's still apparent that the difference is there, in what you can feel and be when you live the way our ancestors lived, free from the rules that the modern world places upon us, free from too much of the technology that's taking the place of our normal social lives and parts of our brains that no longer have to do their job because cellphones do that for us instead, and yes i may need my head read that's a given i know there are reasons why i sound different and given a chance i always have been somewhat strange so i accept the fact that all this is just a jumble of words placed together and it's all a random commentary on living in the world today, perhaps it would be better for me to just get fucked up on drugs and drink and numb myself again like i used to, or shut up when in company rather than speaking my truth to anyone who will listen, or in this case read, it's yet to be seen what will happen now that we are in free fall, we're free falling, just like the song says, the world is moving beneath us, the e and s in the tescos sign is flickering as the thin veneer of society fails, power cuts, rich richer, poor poorer, nothing new there, just like this new little cold war and world war 2.1 going on right now, bend over, eat your chow and take it up the ass you fucks cos the foxes die when there are no rabbits and we're killing all the life below us, the food chain is in collapse, the species dying off, climate change affecting the poorest so we're still covered in our safety net of media not telling us anything that might shock us into doing some thing different yet, i've got my own issues of finding out that our conciousness is more than merely who we think we are, what we feel is going on, there's more to life than just that, waking and sleeping, there's something inbetween, the imagery and fantasy of random hypnagogic conversations and i hope upon hope that my more often meditations are working, that we are all waking up as a people to what we've done because we've royally been lead by kings and queens to ruining the world for everyone, those we thought were savages, actually had better manners than we do, they didn't kill each other unless absolutely necessary and stayed in balance with their environment because they treasured it and knew what some of us have come to know again and feel in our hearts, it made us, we live because it does, it is intelligent, there are fairies and magick and love and it's everywhere from here to the heavens above, yes yes i digress from here to eternity to there and nutters to the sane we are free when we can forgive ourselves and see, like i did today 11:11 a sign that i'm on the right track, seeing all the aspects that i lack, all the things i wish weren't true, all the bits of me i don't recognise and dislike, and choose to shed, unravel like a hasty seamstress and a thread, choosing not to eat the stuff they give us as our daily bread, if the in'greed'ients have numbers in them i'll pass thankyou, acidity regulators mount up, only a few will get that reference but i don't care, i'm sharing everything with a sense that this may be my last, i favour every day i see, i thank the heavens and wonder is there a better version of me, yes please, i'll be that one, all the time not just a few, not for those minutes and hours i was over the last few years but every day, for weeks on end, not just those seconds and minutes in the mountains of spain when i was literally emphatic and ecstatic and in a place of pure epiphany and feeling as though i wished those moments would never end, not experiencing all that much that is new, so i'm limited in my company and occasions to write about anything other than the true truth i've seen so far, memories coming clearly back, dreams, every night, all this time it's fevered and sources of information from my own thoughts, to those of the psychic mediums i see, the wonders will never cease, sheesh when will this post ever end? here i go my one and only friend all and everyone of you :) + <3