before now - written a few weeks ago reiterating what i believed - a draft until today

before there was a time when i would ask a question and i could almost feel the answer coming into my mind, as though it were being transferred from another source, another place, person, whatever...

Imagination was always important to me, so focussed on fiction and scifi in particular, reading it, watching it, loving it from start to finish, dr who, star trek, you name it, i really engaged with the characters...

so how would it feel to go from the sense that information could come into your mind from somewhere else, the akashic record, look it up it sounds awesome, who knows where, imagination, inspiration...

where does that stuff come from?  Some authors, to them their characters and stories come fully formed, decide for themselves what they will be, the author just writes it down as it comes to them...

lately though it feels more like my own thoughts and these other ideas are merged, they're all mine, not coming from somewhere else, even if i don't recognise them as nice, mine, the sort of thing i would like to think, or think it's good to mull over, and that's sad, scary, maybe in this world, that seems so nasty at times, it's easier to assume there is evil but no good, although i know many good people, who care, thoughtful, loving, the types of people that are good to know, but when it comes to religion and god, and faith, at what point do you say that you have some evidence, an opinion based on experience that speaks to proof whether just personal proof that there is a god, for me it seems as though looking at the acts of a few there is badness in this world aswell as goodness, i don't like to dwell on this subject, i don't watch horror movies, i tend to avoid the idea that bad things happen to good people, or only the good die young, or even truth of religion.

I never gave it much thought, i went to a C of E school, i sang hymns, and had religious education classes, but it was never really about a personal relationship with a deity, more of a habit, something we did.

Recently whether you'd call it wasting my life or a mid life crisis i began to see my behaviour as wrong, i sought out conciousness of and a desire to do what's right for others, around me mostly as i realised the effects my life style was having on those closest to me, and decided to turn things around, paid off debts, decided to treat myself and then others with more respect, get involved more, be more thoughtful, open up again to the world if you like, training as a healer came up at the spiritualist church i had been visiting on and off and it's going well, it's a scary idea for me to put myself into the situation of meeting and greeting people and providing them with a safe and welcoming environment from the perspective of social anxiety and knowing that it's a level of responsibility that i haven't faced up to much before, but it's been good to meet those who are also training, find myself feeling more empathy towards those around me in life, seeing the world as something im in and a part of, as though their problems are mine in a small way, keeping away from temptations like drinking and smoking and the drugs ive used in the past, detoxing from a life misspent in many ways, like a midlife crisis that comes and hits you, makes you look at your choices and aghast see how different things could have been, i know that my blog has become like a confessional, like the list of sins vaguely listed, the reason why i choose to change the way i live my life and am trying to do the right thing.

So is there a soul?  Is there a heaven and a hell?  Most spiritual / religious systems think so, I've even done a piece of art, that came out of me, expressing a hell like place, in the shape of a giant tree, the roots are dark red, to orange, to yellow and up into the trunk and then branches of a tree, souls are flying up and into the maelstrom of the branches of this giant tree, it's probably the most creative artwork i've ever made, finger painting, i usually only ever copied things, traced and drew things rather than creating art from scratch my stuff tended to look like a child had drawn it, i couldnt draw you a push bike that would look like it would be a comfortable ride, on a piece of paper, so like the bhuddists say contrary to the saying when hell freezes over theirs is a cold place, where you shiver, not burn, who knows, if you've done wrong though why not?

Oughten't people to go somewhere to pay for their misdeeds at the end of this life, it makes sense to me.

If you've done wrong there ought to be some checks and balances, make up for mistakes, pay for them.

if there's a heaven maybe you can go there when you've been to hell it's certainly a tough ask not to do something wrong here, at all, but i have seen how good most people are, how honest and that's good.

i watched the gospel of saint john the other day, it's a film with an actor i admire for his role in Lost as a character whose line i stole one day when leaving one agency job, for an interview at a council run graveyard, "see you in another life brother", desmond hume was his name i cant remember the name of the actor who played jesus in this film of the gospel of saint john, anyways off to waste some time online.

Facebook will be full of stuff about the u.s. presidential elections, i've been on a wild rollercoaster ride in the past few years, doing healing, massage, lots of parties, going from being someone who would love to know the truth of life, the why, and what, why are we here and  what are we here to do?  Maybe i've come close to knowing, whatever it is that i've been communicating with suggests there is a soul, and that if you're bad it's up for grabs, to most this will sound crazy, maybe it is, i just dont want anyone else to suffer because i do.

I had hoped we would be on a good course as a planet, that folks would see how we're going wrong and that magically, miraculously all sorts of things would come good over the next few years, i hope so i do.

someone said it would take a thousand years for us to fix everything that is wrong, maybe thats a bit more realistic, if we havent already messed the climate up to badly, there is hope still i watched a brilliant documentary called before the flood with leonardo dicaprio that taught me a lot about our lot in life.

As we wake up to the ways that we've been mislead, the ways that we negatively impact the world we live on, there will be a real drive, as our impact becomes more clear to find solutions to this problem.

is the truth of this life part of that?  do we all need to realise the spiritual heart that we all have access to, the reasons why religions exist, if there is a god, a reason for all this we should be more grateful for our lives.

To be born is a great miracle, billions of chances to one, that the sperm and egg that came together to make us did so, what a privilege to have a life to lead, to breath air, to see the sun set and rise, to experience nature.  Make the most of it, please, be good to each other, do right by everyone you meet, all the good stuff really, treat others how you wish to be treated, i've been under the microscope and been found wanting.

Not a nice feeling or experience and i hope this has a happy ending, this life of mine, whatever the outcome, thankyou to anyone who has ever been kind to me, thankyou to all who have loved me, thankyou world.

urban cookie collective

the awareness behind the dream, that awareness being me, said giving is the key +

dont drink dont smoke what do you do?

i think there is a very real experience that all human beings can feel when they start to respect and treat themselves better and eat food not products containing all sorts of additives and preservatives and maybe that's just a sense i get because i've been on this trip for a little while now, changing my ways more often than not still going to the cinema and eating pick n mix or the odd pint here and there so not a complete don't drink don't smoke, what do you do yet but it's still apparent that the difference is there, in what you can feel and be when you live the way our ancestors lived, free from the rules that the modern world places upon us, free from too much of the technology that's taking the place of our normal social lives and parts of our brains that no longer have to do their job because cellphones do that for us instead, and yes i may need my head read that's a given i know there are reasons why i sound different and given a chance i always have been somewhat strange so i accept the fact that all this is just a jumble of words placed together and it's all a random commentary on living in the world today, perhaps it would be better for me to just get fucked up on drugs and drink and numb myself again like i used to, or shut up when in company rather than speaking my truth to anyone who will listen, or in this case read, it's yet to be seen what will happen now that we are in free fall, we're free falling, just like the song says, the world is moving beneath us, the e and s in the tescos sign is flickering as the thin veneer of society fails, power cuts, rich richer, poor poorer, nothing new there, just like this new little cold war and world war 2.1 going on right now, bend over, eat your chow and take it up the ass you fucks cos the foxes die when there are no rabbits and we're killing all the life below us, the food chain is in collapse, the species dying off, climate change affecting the poorest so we're still covered in our safety net of media not telling us anything that might shock us into doing some thing different yet, i've got my own issues of finding out that our conciousness is more than merely who we think we are, what we feel is going on, there's more to life than just that, waking and sleeping, there's something inbetween, the imagery and fantasy of random hypnagogic conversations and i hope upon hope that my more often meditations are working, that we are all waking up as a people to what we've done because we've royally been lead by kings and queens to ruining the world for everyone, those we thought were savages, actually had better manners than we do, they didn't kill each other unless absolutely necessary and stayed in balance with their environment because they treasured it and knew what some of us have come to know again and feel in our hearts, it made us, we live because it does, it is intelligent, there are fairies and magick and love and it's everywhere from here to the heavens above, yes yes i digress from here to eternity to there and nutters to the sane we are free when we can forgive ourselves and see, like i did today 11:11 a sign that i'm on the right track, seeing all the aspects that i lack, all the things i wish weren't true, all the bits of me i don't recognise and dislike, and choose to shed, unravel like a hasty seamstress and a thread, choosing not to eat the stuff they give us as our daily bread, if the in'greed'ients have numbers in them i'll pass thankyou, acidity regulators mount up, only a few will get that reference but i don't care, i'm sharing everything with a sense that this may be my last, i favour every day i see, i thank the heavens and wonder is there a better version of me, yes please, i'll be that one, all the time not just a few, not for those minutes and hours i was over the last few years but every day, for weeks on end, not just those seconds and minutes in the mountains of spain when i was literally emphatic and ecstatic and in a place of pure epiphany and feeling as though i wished those moments would never end, not experiencing all that much that is new, so i'm limited in my company and occasions to write about anything other than the true truth i've seen so far, memories coming clearly back, dreams, every night, all this time it's fevered and sources of information from my own thoughts, to those of the psychic mediums i see, the wonders will never cease, sheesh when will this post ever end? here i go my one and only friend all and everyone of you :) + <3

hey now hey now dont dream its over

so my dreams are interesting, now that i dream every night and remember them so that i can write them down, my dream diary, or dream journal as some like to call it is getting full in a short space of time, and when they are over, often i can sense or feel an emotional aspect to them, like a layer above and beyond or perhaps more correctly behind the dreams, you see realising you are dreaming, becoming the awareness behind the dream becoming the dreamer and the dream, acknowledging that they are aspects of our conciousness that both in many ways reflect what we've been experiencing they can also speak to us.

so over the last few years, since 2012 at least, i can pinpoint things that happened before that, but i know that i've had things going on in my head, within my conciousness, that i don't like very much, thoughts, i would say that i recognise them as mine in terms of they're in the same voice as my thoughts, sometimes that has not been the case, for instance when i walked the camino in 2009 and chanted the maha mantra for the waking hours of the first seven days a female voice in my head, during the early hours of the morning spoke.

so that's weird for most to accept possibly, since then i would say that on occasion those things that i have heard have been unkind, or unnecessary, unpleasant at times, to be ignored or to change the subject, to wonder where they came from, why, i would now say that over this period, and who knows how long before i have had an unwelcome visitor, a spirit, take up residence, call it what you will, it's not for me to say how.

It's come to a head, one time i cycled to bristol because i thought i was going to be meeting someone at an address that came into my conciousness, turns out it was a road i knew, had walked down whilst finding my way back from a friends house after staying over there for the first time a few years ago now, and i found it.

I found the road, i made directions up and followed them, to the road and realised as the address, the house number that came out of that conversation did not exist, i say all this not to worry or scare, but to journal it.

I went to the address that didn't exist, feeling gratitude all the way, despite the rain, the two hour cycle also.

I got there, I realised that it must be my own mind, my subconcious perhaps that brought that information out, in actuality i was having a conversation with what i thought was a friend whilst i cycled, it was heavy.

Heavy because I was expecting quite the welcome on arrival at their front door, heavy because i was nervous as heck because i don't do that sort of thing very often, especially not someone i like and well love, as a friend that i thought was going to be meeting me, i realised my mistake, but took it well, ate my lunch.

I had packed  myself a bit of bread, some cheese, and some crisps, and a drink, i took them to a bench, ate the food, sipped the drink, turned around and cycled back from the downs, down into town, through to the bristol / bath cycle path, (cycle path erm that's a sound alike for something, oh yes psychopath whoops) anyway so i know how that sounds, and the weirdness only gets weirder, like my acceptance of this.

As though i were magically, hypnotised or because i couldn't find an explanation for it and wanted to discover it for myself, i put it under the carpet, brushed my concerns aside, not wanting to ask questions that lead to mental illness, it's a real happening, is it my higher self i wondered, leading me to experiences i need?  To grow and develop, i mean the synchronicities were profound and abounding in those days, i spent a few evenings in a pub on the church road in bristol, the Stillage, and then ended up dating a local and it fit so well.

We spent the first date i've ever been on, enjoying the fact that we could eat our takeaway from the chinese restaurant virtually next door, because they don't do food, which i knew, so it all fit perfectly, having only just been introduced to the area, because a friend lived close by, events seemed to have made this destiny in my mind, i would say these years have been filled with such coincidences, perhaps i put too much meaning, too much store in them, even now i find rhythms in the use of language, patterns emerging, how many lines i write, habits that have been placed within my way of living, without or with my knowing, rhyming at all.

The poetry i've written over the last few years, i would say since 2013, the spiritual stuff i've posted on facebook, in fact the poetry tended to be about that too, it's become quite the obsession, what with the numerology, my concerns about certain numbers, like 666, 616, my favourite number 16, a habit i have of counting down at traffic lights, how long do i think it's going to be before they turn green and i can pull away?  Will it be because i have been fed some kind of information from the world around me that i know?

You see for me there is more to life than merely living and dying, i've written about that too, i go to spiritualist church, for my healing course, and also for a service where a psychic medium will provide evidence that our loved ones continue to exist, that they are around us, see our lived continuing, some can feel them, sense them, i mean some of the audience, often a larger number of women, in the congregation, more spiritual.

More aware, awareness, openess, more ability, then it comes to witches, to religion, the christian religion, the country we live in accepts mediumship, spiritualist churches as long as they read out the lords prayer before their service, so it's seen as being within that tradition, but often father / mother god is referenced, or the universe, a more open minded face of spiritual beliefs, less about the bible and more about experience.

So there are reasons why perhaps someone going through such things should be careful, which is why i have repeatedly tried and this time succeeded in giving up my other habits, drugs for instance, that can alter our perceptions, i know and i warn anyone who regularly uses the high strength cannabis that is out there, because it contains less of the anti psychotic, the cbd, because it is grown to get you high, artificially so.

You see i experienced things when i was a kid, i saw a shadow on the ceiling come down to engulf me, i felt energy between my hands, i now feel that again, i am eating incredibly healthily, mostly fruit and veg, homemade chocolate, i am open, i am learning about chakras, psychic protection, auras, all sorts of things that come out of the esoteric, the eastern philosophies, and at some point was considered witchraft, pagan, shamanism, animism, certainly heretical, so is there a god?  Is there an altar ego to that?  A spirit world?

A holy spirit?  A great spirit as the native americans would say, one thing that is made up of all of us, somewhere we come from that we return to, is connecting to this dangerous?  In my case, perhaps, i've been lead on a few wild goose chases, more recently i would say on death defying and certainly for others most fear inducing journeys, back at the start of this year, to which i was certainly out of my comfort zone and put others there too, which is what set me on this healing journey, personally and to work to heal others also.

I'm off to church now, i asked politely, respectfully for a message if others aren't more requiring of one, tonight, i ask in my mind, i have been on a rollercoaster, some positive aspects are for sure, but i question it all, i question the whole mess of spiritual and religious beliefs, is it all a shell game, what is the truth, everyone seems to have their own version of what's going on, their own take on it all, for me though, being good is it.

I started this whole thing, this blog because i was a writer in waiting, i wanted to express what it meant to be human, to be this person, to be on a journey, to walk a pilgrimage, to be repentant for my life choices, and i'm feeling more and more, more emotion, more depth of feeling, sensing more, learning more, i hope and pray, and i pray also at night, finding my thoughts are with others, more and more, coming back to myself.

To who i was before i tried to avoid being different.  To the person i was and would have been before all that.  To doing good deeds and trying to improve myself in all areas of my life, to find solutions for others.

fate update / destiny testimony

i ate a lot of junk, i smoked a lot, i daily misused recreational drugs, my mindset was wrong in many ways and my health was failing me so it was like losing a loved one, a real time of grieving for me to realise all this and decide to change wholesale, aim for wholeness, to choose to be more healthy in my food choices, eat well, sleep well for the first time in years because something would keep me awake until i was exhausted, right up until the next morning and then i would crash out the next evening and sleep right through, i could never switch off my monkey mind, so i learned how, instead of zonking out, instead of living on a sugar high and then crashing, i started to eat things because I knew they were good for me, initially it was just all the green veg on a sunday, choosing to take a free course in meditation, telling each part of my body, go to sleep now, thanking each part, experiences and real inspiration coming through me, to me, i've written a lot of it here for all of you to benefit from and i know that at times, a lot of it was nonsense, my habits meant i saw and felt a lot of things that were merely my perspective on life, however i now value my life but more importantly my family, friends, opportunities to make a difference, unfortunately for me that means staying away from the activities i was spending most of my time on, at, the people i was living my life with at weekends, parties, festies, this way im away from smoking, sniffing, etc etc, it keeps me safe, the flip side is that my spiritual side is growing greatly, i feel better but more of everything, im way more sensitive, to things, foods, feelings, it's been a wild ride, thankyou all for your companionship, eat more green and other coloured veg, dont eat products, it works, it really does even though i felt like eating biscuits today so i did do, most of the time its stuff nature or someone grew and i feel great :) + <3 on a side note im working with spirit, chakras, a healing course so that i can give spiritual healing to others, going to sit in circle to increase my spiritual skills, exercise my psychic muscles, first aid training, feeling like a better person, wow i did not know what a fuck up i was until i saw myself more clearly over the last year or so and on it goes, it flows, and shows more and more of what we know is not true, just a picture and a story that we told ourself that comes unglued, as we release the threads or what we were lead to believe was meant to be the reality of this place and i wish you all well :) + <3

planes trains and automobiles

so i didnt write much about planes before as in the astral plane (dream time?) the place where our spirit is free to be what it was meant to be?  who knows? i certainly dont know for sure, i have beliefs and doubts.

i havent worked it out, i suppose that happens when we die, or when we become concious enough, free of lingering information that isnt true to rise above all the things that hold us down and back and unwilling to see.

i asked the big questions, why are we here, what are we here to do, who are we, im still asking and getting answers, in my conciousness, with words like you ought to, we think this, jon i must say, so i could assess.

I could assume, i could let this other, other me?  other being?  other life?  other dead?  spirit? devil? angel?
Friend, it sounds miserable on occasion perhaps it just likes my company, apparently, i am too open, so im.

learning how to close off, close down, protect myself, and all this raises so many more questions, are we meant to bring eden back, go back somewhere else, whilst here, steward the planet until it's all fixed again?

are we meant to go somewhere else, when we die, back to somewhere that we came from?  Spirit?  Heaven?  Leave behind the failures we made this time, this life, do we live again, here, on another planet?

In another realm, so close and yet so far away?  Touching this paradigm, this plane, what is the truth?  Is there even one?  In Bhuddism there are many different gods, different heavens to go to depending which.

Different hells, of differing lengths of stay, i heard that time doesnt exist over there, wherever that is, but it's all a messy mess of different truths, each person has their own beliefs, even amongst the spiritually aware.

Their teachers told them different things and then there are their own experiences that teach them something else, their view, perspective, paradigmatic informations, truths, untruths, things that fall away when you let it.

When you decide that you have no idea whats going on but stick to certain themes, for me, im having to accept that i need to protect myself and in that way strengthen the things that are already there, spiritually.

Spiritual bodies, my aura, an egg, a bubble, visualise it, see it as protecting me, my conciousness requires of me that i set boundaries because i've been clumsy, stupid, careless, naive, trusting beyond belief yes that.

Confessed my sins to who knows what feeling as though im stuck in this muddy trough, a pit, a feeling that im damned if i do and if i don't?  Well assertions placed inside my mind just won't do, so you can do one, GO!

The truths of all the nations and all the tribes, coming together as the wave function of this reality collapses into one timeline, that we're all a part of, even though we see a different world each one of us we do.

We are learning that in fact we see our own world, maybe that's why it's getting so crazy, if there are humans in charge who know the score, maybe there aren't maybe it's outside interferences, whoever you wish to say.

But in the end, the beginning and the middle, we're there, playing piggy, being trolled and blessed, and yes it's all true, the stories of old, of yore, these times are interesting like none before 'cause we're headed foreward.

Into what we just don't know yet, the future doesn't look bright if you've got eyes to see and don't get lost in all the stuff the papers and the media in general would like you to be mired in all day and all night long.

So what's the reason for my good mood, my lack of suicidal ideation, my happy little creation?  I don't know, im eating very healthily, getting out and about into the world, seeing films, not stealing owt.

Not online where t.v. and movies are there for free, for anyone to pirate easily, im keeping my own council whilst also opening up to the spirit workers i have met, for whatever end i dont yet know, to heal to connect.

Some say that those that claim to be our loved and lost are actually what we really would rather not say.  Some kind of thing that is lying, reading our minds, invisibly here, the presence that we feel close by.

Using means that we have yet to understand to stand by us and tell us details directly or through a medium, a conduit of information, to persuade us that there is life after death, give us evidence to make us feel at rest.

That's what the spiritualists say, that's why they come out of the goodness of their hearts each week to visit and pass on messages that we need to here, from the people that we miss, that we loved, so dear.

It's a mystery thats been going on for so long, our ancestors is what they are called to tribal elders and
 healers, to what we called witch doctors because the christian churches would wish to cancel them out.

We killed such folk, everywhere, our spiritual heritage was destroyed as much as possible but it comes back now that there are no more inquisitive people from spain, from catholic regions to kill all of us again.

The people who are sensitive, to information streams, coming through us, to sense beyond our sight, smell, taste, touch and hearing, to senses that we are only just on the fringed of science, revealing, like ufos.

On the live feed of the Nasa and International space station there was a bright white disc, flying past as the pictures got cut off for technical difficulty reasons, are they demons, aliens from a dimension that isnt good?

Are there Angels that are working in our best interests, are they all the same, or coming from two opposing angles, the good the bad, and the ugly truth is us inbetween them both, learning lessons in a world ending.

Lending a hand is all i can say, if i have to put up with temporarily and im speaking positively because im cleaning up my act, clearing out the rubbish and the baggage and relearning so many things from my youth.

Rebecoming who i used to be, finding i can talk to people more easily, although there are aspects that were stranded, or not grown properly, or were they someone elses issues overlaid on mine, possession is a word.

One i hesitate to use, some say energy attachments, negative entities, whatever you wish to call it, i am getting stronger and i need to be just me for a while, alone inside this shell like, a nut possibly, but ripened.

Many would liken this whole thing to the passage into madness from which one may not ever come back and who knows, these things are not easily talked about or revealed, ive done things, horrible things, was it me?

Was i being poisoned, tempted from a young age to do things, being whispered to by an evil, lets say misguided, or mischievous other that wished to live through me, or at least twist and pervert my direction?

I don't know but i am on the right path to do the right thing, do healing, how could that ever be the wrong thing to do, not say you can cure because you're not allowed to, but help, assist, them in their own healing.

Maybe help the world to see a little at a time that there are more things under the sea, in the air than we can even know without some faith and a willingness to grow and change and learn and be a little strange...

planes and simples

if it was all just life and death
it would be easier to take a last breath
i dont mean now by any means fair or foul so
don't worry about the current situation it will resolve
everything changes nothing stays the same forever and a day
its been quite a while now and im so scared ive begun so many good
habits living right in thought and word and deed and yes its been a while now
since i did anything i oughtent to although so many things are wrong that are right
in this world medicines like ayauasca and cannabis are illegal in some countries
used right, in the diet or ceremonially rather than recreationally they are good
they heal things before they go out of whack they keep us living healthily
so my situation may have been preexisting before all the drugs and
the booze that for so many years masked whatever is going on
have i had a reason in my life to cover up and hide from?
a ghostly apparitious spirit who now knows it's on the
run because i wont do anything but respect my
body treat it like a temple exercise diet and
everything i am doing is right im even now
making myself do all the chores that i
had ignored and put off went to the
tip and got rid of stuff reanalysed
my life the events seen them
with a fresh set of eyes
and realised where
i had gone wrong
gone on and on
and wondering
if ive been a
secret one
hidden
discreet
uniquely set
on a course by
someone or something
else inside a sneaky visitor
who knows how long it's been
going on whispering and cajoling
i even wonder about my tattoos my
history with religion our history folks
afterall they went after all the tribal life
into the countries where they lived close
to nature in harmony with her yes they might
have slashed and burnt or warred between their
groups occasionally even head hunted or practised
certain things like killing animals for meat that some find
distasteful now because theyve never killed for themselves
never worked at an abbatoir like i did and smelled death heard
the pigs arriving and sensing their fellow brothers and sisters there
in spirit possibly too because they'd been coming there to die for a long
while and the scent of it the knowledge that there's was coming soon too
would be and was obviously clear the screams were heard when smoking a
cigarette so many things in this society seen as normal that are twisted from
the ways they were meant to and used to be, everything unceremonially
factory farmed crops and animals no longer living any sense of a life
no longer roaming wild and free until they are culled naturally at
the end of their days when they had lived the traditional ways
so we can see that we have turned ourselves into death
and brought it to the people who revered their place
revered their space and time and suffered more
ive written about all this before because it's
true and hurts you all to hear it so i don't
stuff it down your throats and im not
going anywhere soon unless by
accident or disease orother
means i do'nt yet know
about it's not my time
thoughts immediately
answer me back in
my head yes it is
well we shall
see won't
we i say
back
now
in my
space
my place
turning over
so many new leaves
this time of year the autumn
makes me question because of what
im going through everything that we do
have done, me personally of course living
conciously with my conscience intact and fair
bringing conscience, conciousness unto each bit
moment instant trying to undo unhelpful traits like not
looking after myself like someone who loves themselves
do i go to bed earlier and earlier seeking meditation energy
work and then drifting off to sleep lighter and woken early by
those who are up and about with the lark because they have to be
i see the parallels and now i have to go myself but just to say it
clear im not going anywhere yet not right now for the others
sake there is no rush no sudden decision to move on yet
i have to be here and work out the truth or as near as
i can get to it, is stonehenge solstices a good thing
the energy healing i did last year at a festival for
hundreds was it all just in my mind because
the ankle of a new friend says no and
how could doing someone here a
good deed be wrong and what
are the dividing lines between
good and evil here is it all
within the hearts and
minds of everyone
of all of us this
final war in
time and
space?
the
human
race
are
doomed
unless we
rediscover
who we really
are each and every
one of us must just go
from dust to dust and back
to ashes or underground worm
food but here i go again to
finish and then going
on to start i have
to go now off
out into the
world
love
+

one day

if something should happen to me
i want to explain something literally
because the thoughts in my head are
not all mine i know mediums explain it
as our loved ones who have passed on
ive never been that sure but was willing to
listen to what they had to say and if i've been
stupid enough to let what i thought was positive
become negative and unhelpful and unkind and well
let's just say most would explain it away say it's mental
aberration and perhaps they would be right from their view
their perspective might prevent them from experiencing or seeing
what i used to say was believing was seeing for let's say ghosts and ufo's
sceptics can come up with all sorts of reasons why there's no such things and
they never seem to see, hear, feel anything smell someone perfume, tobacco smoke
take it seriously if you're going to get involved, treat the subject with respect even
because for me, what seemed liked advice about cooking at first and answers
to any question i might like to ask, i thought of my subconcious, imagination
became more like a friend i could confide in, conspiratorially, confess to
and now even less to be trusted and befriended seemingly to be got
rid of as soon as possible, the reasons manifold, thoughts that it
would be better to be dead, than live like this, my mind not
a space i can think of as merely my own, naive, innocent
stupid, not to ask for help sooner, to be more careful
to assume because of delusions of grandure that
i could handle it, i was in control, i was good
and capable and worthy of responsibility
so i now reflect on the last few years
goodness knows how long because
all i can say is some would create
a stink or a fuss but kept mostly
to myself instead of seeking
someone i could trust to
help me understand
and extricate me
from this mess
i confess it's
not fun so
i won't
go on
just say
for me there
is evidence of
life after death or
at least of spirit surviving
still, here, an intelligence capable
of communication, im not on drugs and
eating and living clean so i can't blame that or
feel like i've been in a state lately where i might say
i felt as though my mental landscape was anything but clear
except the feeling that it's being invaded in a sense by answers to
questions im not asking anymore, i think of something to do, to think
and right there is an answer like don't do that, don't do this, keeping me
confused and unsure which way to go, songs going round and round but at
least that's a break from constant, worse in the mornings conversations going on
if you ever wonder about this place, all the good stuff, the bad stuff, it's a mess
isn't it?  the stuff that people talk about on the fringes, the yoga, meditation
i don't blame any of that, i recognise my thoughts at times were daft and
delusional back in the day so you could say it's all the same thing and
mental illness instead of wellness could well be the same thing as
this, in that over the years, a harmful spirit would be able to
take up residence in the body of someone out of theirs
out of their mind or who was often doing things that
left room, perhaps that was it, i wish you all well
i am so happy for those i have met and others
who are happy, im smiling every time i think
of you all, living lives, having fun, loving
being loved, hugging it out, letting it
in, time runs thin, it's forced me
into a corner and i gotta be
good and keep good
routines, take up
exercises and
regimes that
keep the
body
and
mind
in tip top
shape at least
thats one area less
to worry about and
as i go out tonight and
do my best to connect to
who i am inside, do the work
of reconnecting to who i lost and what
when i wasted all those years getting drunk
and doing drugs, by all means blame it on that
or mushroom trips or other things, ive done and
claimed were harmless if done correctly, in a loving
respectful ceremony, set and setting, never forgetting
to treat these things as the safe practises that they were
i know being god from the beginning to the end of time that
time five years ago set the bar high and that is part of why this
is still going on it's like finding out there really is a god and whose
to say what else out there and it feels surreal to accept that it is so
and know that you've done wrong living in a self repeating looping song
claiming all the forgotten sins and seeing them and yourself for who you really are
no more the shining star that i once was but maybe will be once again befriending me
resending a request to myself to clean myself out from the inside and all over and
im rambling because i have no proof for you but maybe thats also the point
this world is here for us to experience and make our own mind up and
choices i made mine and wish i'd made so many in a different way
perhaps i'd be living a different day today and loving life a bit
more than i currently do, this is fun, putting myself under
a microscope, seeing how i could live far simpler
seeing the ways that i don't or didn't care or
take part, seeing how little interest i took
in other people not asking questions
of them to get to know them and
i blamed that on the fear of
losing someone else and
grief now i question
everything all over
and over again
seeking truth
from me to
you i wish
you all
well
+

all the things i wish for you

all the things you've yet to see
all the things you've yet to be
all the things you've yet to do
all the things i wish for you +

apocalypse is the revealing of the truth and the truth is... flipping awful look around

It's like a terrible cartoon, i cant even lose myself in fiction anymore, movies and the like, i went to see dr strange, for me a spiritual standpoint, ensuring im fit and healthy, doing meditation to cope with the world as it is and is becoming, to make sure i can be there for my folks at least until theyre gone, who knows if the world will still be here in the next thirty years the tech is going to go ape shit, if the warring doesnt kill the majority, i have to hope upon hope that the new agers are right, that there is some kind of bad things happen for a good reason type of thing going on, that this is the end of the beginning of something good, that the bad ones will stick themselves in shelters and bunkers and pockets of nature will survive, with the ones who live meakly living in harmony with each other, and not some post apocalyptic scenario instead, which looks more and more likely, fuck! we're screwed basically but even so all i can do is do my healing course, and see what the future brings whilst trying not to lose myself in this constant fear mongering and anxious anxiety riddled populace that are ignoring as much as possible and la la laaaaaing their way through the tv shows and other distractions, caught in the we need to spend money to keep the economy (nowhere near the definition of the word by any strecth of the imagination btw) growing, daft idea that growth in a finite world will always er grow anyhoo back to your stuff sorry for venting but theyre not listening and i needed to get this off my chest