Agent Walker of the F.B.O. (Full Body Orgasms)

Follow these instructions at your own pace, play and experiment with what feels good and it will work like a charm. The great thing is that once it's worked for you once, it'll work whenever you want it to.

Do whatever feels right don't worry about following to the letter, it's your Full Body Orgasm...

Lay down where you can read on and feel most comfortable and relax, breath slow and deep with your hands down by your sides. Just be and let yourself sink into that feeling...

Watch your stomach rise as you breath in through your nose drawing it down deep and take the energy and power of your own sexual desire inside like starting a fire in the great outdoors and watching it catch.

Breath out through your mouth and allow your breathing to become slower and longer, feel all the stress of your day exhailed and your loving energy build.

Take the very tips of your fingers and run them slowly teasingly up and down your sides as far up as you can reach and as far down too.

Tickling and lightly grazing your skin, as softly as you can so that it raises goosebumps.

Slowly as you can manage allow your fingers to explore closer and closer to all the areas that you would normally concentrate on only let them cover every inch of skin everywhere else first.

Tease yourself into nearly touching there but don't just yet, oh no you want to enjoy this part.

Let that fire inside build and fill you up, feel how strongly you desire to be touched and where.

Make small circles, and let those fingers find their own rythym, move over your thighs and calves, tickle your stomach in softest slow circles, feeling the heat that is rising and spreading .

Feel the skin of your neck and softly lightly stroke around and around and down as you get closer to your chest. Let the fire inside spread up and down your body, from your core to your extremeties.

Try using one hand on your stomach and the other on your neck and work towards each other.

Discover every inch of your legs and feel how good it is to edge closer and closer to your inner thighs and sex.

Still never touching where you really want, just teasingly exploring what feels good and let the pressure you apply grow to those areas already explored but ever so softly everywhere else.

Move closer and closer to your breasts and sex feeling your whole body engulfed by the fire within, breath it in and out allowing yourself time to feel how good it is just to be in that moment and feel those feelings.

Keep on breathing slow and deep, let it build and build until you can barely take it any more.

And when you can't... finally you can start to softly stroke and explore closer and closer.

Tease & tempt yourself, feeling that fire within ready to explode whenever you desire.

Touch yourself wherever it feels good and exert more pressure.

Never stop playing with that awesome energy and fire.

Feel it engulf your body entirely.

You're Almost There...
I'll leave the rest
up to you 
<3

More to Spain than the Plain

More to Spain than the Plain

I went to Spain for a holiday for a week to ten days and arrived back in the U.K. more than six months later.  It surprises me but in that time I feel like I learnt more than in the previous six years and it was the longest I’ve ever been away from home beating hands down the six weeks I was away to walk and celebrate completing the Camino de Santiago in 2009.  I’ve bored everyone I’ve met since then  with those adventures, now I get to start over with new stories.  The first night arriving in Nerja from Malaga Airport, I walked straight from this tourist town to a little village called Maro that has two beaches closeby, an easily accessible one with everything you might expect at the height of summer like a small bar and sun loungers but this was the middle of winter, coming into the spring months of March and April, the other beach is Caleta Playa and officially a nudist beach, is wild and untamed, no facilities at all and sits at the bottom of some irregularly spaced concrete steps after you’ve already walked down a fairly rustic path for about ten to fifteen minutes from the centre of the village.

I had planned to stay with a friend who was living at and looking after the Yoga / Reiki / Massage centre at the top of the hill but by the time I arrived he had already had to suffer the combined attentions of the fleas of the 20 plus cats, two dogs and two Black pot bellied pigs and the thought of staying in the house was too much for me, so I took directions from him and made my way down to the beach.  I got it wrong, as usual and ended up in a farmers field while someone was cleaning their teeth and getting ready to turn in for the night.  Retracing my steps I finally made it down the concrete ones and onto the sand of Caleta well after 10pm because I was later getting to see my friend than I had planned, later catching buses and later doing everything because it was all new to me and I get lost easily everywhere, even at home, so it was pitch black and with a warning having been given that I might not know who or what to expect and as I had no choice it was easy to just walk over to the fire that was lit at the far end of the beach, to get over the fears and doubts and just go.

I was thinking to myself as I approached, who would be sat around such a fire at this hour and what might they think that I’m just walking up to them in the dark a complete stranger.  I immediately got on with and made friends with the four or five young people from different countries that were sitting there, some singing, playing music on guitar, or smoking and enjoying the night, we chatted and i stayed up until the next morning speaking to one of them, an incredibly enthusiastic entrepreneurial spirit called Franz from Germany with so many creative ideas, I learnt an awful lot just in the next few days about what you can make with spring water, and raw ingredients from the super markets, such as oat milk from oats.

So I resolved to stay here on the beach and the first week consisted of regular two hour plus excursions to the tourist town of Nerja with my friend from the Yoga Centre Sean, to walk from greengrocers to biological (ecological / organic) shop via the front doors of a couple of his ‘grandmas’ houses where homegrown veg and fruit was for sale, they even had scales and would weigh everything right then and there for you, I ate only raw fruits and vegetables and felt amazing although very full sometimes and we would occasionally take a trip to a raw vegan picnic called a potluck, where everyone would bring a dish or desert, in my case a badly cut fresh Mango and the food was so healthy, rich, tasty and interesting and most of all beautiful, I have images on Google that have received thousands of views, there was one particularly generous host who shared some homemade ice cream made from a special fruit from one tree in her garden and I swear it tasted like butterscotch Angel Delight, it was unreal how this fruit tasted, she even showed me around her plot and I was treated as if I had known them all for years.  After that what money I had went on rebounding from such a good feeling to being a tourist for a week or two, taking myself into town to the first bakery and trying out all the cakes they sold, into the bars in the village and ordering a cana (small draft beer) and tapas (as meaty or fishy) as I could get hold of in order to satiate my bodies need for what it was used to and a cafe for Churros and Chocolate.  Churros are a donut mixture, squeezed through a machine until they come out shaped like something from a play doh mould, cooked and then sugared usually then served with melted, VERY HOT!  Chocolate to dip them in, so you have been warned, whilst there I saw two people I recognised from the U.K. walk by what a surprise!

Three weeks or so have passed and I don’t want to but I’m addicted to paying for things and without any more money I figure it’s time to go home.  A group hug on the beach with my two close friends, a German couple I really hope to see again one day soon, filled me with such a feeling of energy I could literally feel it flowing between us and made it harder than even a normal goodbye, something I have always disliked.  But I have to go and return to England to earn some money so that I can go  back out to Spain to provide Spiritual Energy Healing to a friend of the friend whose idea it was for me to go out there in the first place, and I resolve to be back in a few days.

It ends up being three weeks later that I arrive back in Malaga Airport and I get chatting to two British Pensioners, I want to make them feel better because he looks knackered pushing the luggage trolley and fed up and they make you walk so far from the terminal to the first chance to leave it and as we were delayed I know there won’t be a bus and I’m likely to have to stay up all night until morning or find somewhere on the street to sleep, as luck would have it, they are headed to the town of Nerja for their holiday, the j is silent but I dare not tell them that and they don’t have any Spanish language practise so I get the cab sorted and they’re kind enough to let me come along with them all the way to where my heart needs to be and the rest of me with it.  We get dropped off at their apartment way out of town because I insisted on making sure they were inside before I walked back into town, through Nerja from one side to the other and on to Maro, with my Backpack and a lot more stuff with me this time as I walk past the Roman Viaduct all lit up at night with a bluey purple glow for the tourists, it’s still a novelty at this point and eventually I get back to my home on the beach, figuring I’ll stay up to see who is still here and who is staying where so I can make camp.

You see everyone who lives on or near the beach does so for free, wild camping in the tall grass, like bamboo, also called cana, or just sleeping on the sand itself.  Caleta Playa has depending on the day or night you find yourself there on and the time of year a large number of travellers from all over the world, a community of folk coming and going, residents and semi residents, high tides that were exceptional and reached the base of the cliffs above you and virtually washes away the sand and anyone there that night with it if they’re not careful, exposing the rocks, it’s a truth I never knew about the coast and just how fluid it is, how much a beach can change, how grateful I would become to the noise that kept me awake at first that I came to get used to and even miss, having grown up in a very quiet place indeed.

On my first night there a magical event occurred that I only witnessed a couple of times, a bioluminescent algae in the shallows that spark into life with light when you wade or move your hands from side to side through the moist sand and visible as a shimmering silver light on the leading edge of the breaking waves violently cause them to glow, whilst out on a paddleboard I saw wild Dolphins jumping for the first time, I really cannot describe the feeling of seeing these things with your own eyes.  So some people are coming and going, some stay for a few days, weeks, months, some have been there for years and some only for as long as it takes for them to see a naked human being and turn right around and walk all the way back up again.  You see we lived for free there and apart from gifts or loans from friends and family or donations for my healing work online I didn’t have to spend money either on food or lodgings or clothes, just luxuries like chocolate and things I thought others on the beach might like to share because everything else was being thrown away by the tourists in the town, and if they don’t want it anymore or care to take it home with them, whatever it is, from good food to the items they have replaced with new ones it’s discarded.  Recycling from the supermarkets also means that there is a glut of anything you could wish for in terms of staple food stuff and as the days turned to weeks and months, someone was always arriving with something to share as our community developed and grew into an impromptu rainbow gathering.  I took it upon myself to welcome new people, introduce myself, show them the communal kitchen (all recycled pots and food) explain that if they would like a hot drink in the morning, a meal at lunchtime or to come and sit around a fire in the evening and share a meal cooked together they could and life settled into this routine as I was also doing some gardening work and trying to fit in my healing work for my now friend Peter although he was receiving help from a healer in the North of Spain.  The work I do takes the form of Spiritual Healing that replaced my own intuitional massage that I learnt by doing self healing, by learning where and how to massage myself to resolve health issues, and by practising on friends and anyone who would like to receive a massage at festivals and trance parties.

Using your intuition and instincts is a far cry from book learning or prescribed techniques and it involves a subconscious unconditionally loving connection between two people where I know where and how to touch, because they are communicating this on a level we share.  As a spiritual Healer it involves no need for physical manipulation or pressure, merely the laying on / or off depending on the person of my hands on their shoulders at first to make the connection between us, and then to the area I have discerned during my body scan of them.  All this was new to me although I had felt energy in my hands in meditation and had played with energy as a child, something I remembered later in life especially during the training for healing that I undertook for a year including six months of weekly volunteering at a church to provide anyone with healing sessions with amazing results, I allow healing energy to flow through me into the person and they use it to heal themselves.  I learnt all this from a great friend and mentor who runs The Circle of Light Church in Uckington near Cheltenham.

My whole life has been transformed thanks to him and others especially those I have been privileged to provide with healing and a natural talent has been turned into a truly blessed gift.

If you wish to know more feel free to get in touch with me on Facebook or email me.  So Spain and healing and raw food and life as a community leader and a million and one other things I would never have dreamed of or imagined or feel like talking about here, and soon the tourist season began in earnest.

Walks to the mountains eating mostly only wild herbs on a vision quest only to have fevered dreams and a cold night because it’s chilly up there and the heat of Spain finally came on strong, making it hard to think and only easy to sweat and sit and bathe in the ocean.  I had met many inspirational people, one such individual was a young woman from Estonia called Aggie, who I had seen doing a Sun salutation and yoga practise first thing in the morning completely naked, not a surprise on a nudist beach of course but still impressive for her to stand in her power and it made me realise that I ought to face my fear of being naked and it lead me to ask her how she also swam far out to sea too.  “Ask the Ocean to take your fear” she said.  Which sounded easy so I did.  Over the days and weeks I swam further and forgot to worry about what was beneath me until I could swim out to a buoy a long way out at another beach, and whilst my brain might have had thoughts I found disquieting, I still did it anyway.

At first being barefoot, walking on the beach but especially on the rocks has you feeling like a baby learning to walk for the first time, and rougher surfaces like the road or pavement is incredibly painful when you step on small stones and your foot isn’t used to it, but over time the skin hardens and your feet start to learn where they need to go, you look ahead not down.  As I was to realise, we are born this way and naked skin and bare feet are our natural state, without shoes and socks we connect, lose fungal infections naturally too, become grounded literally earthing ourselves to our mother below us and connecting to our father sky above us as we stop wearing hats and artificial fibres in contact with our skin, we feel more, experience more, deepen our rootedness, our feeling of wholeness, lose stress, heal, and eventually there is no going back.

In the end I could float up a mountain by looking as far ahead as I could see, my focus on that point took away my need to be in my body and my body just wished to take me there, I also found that my knees and thighs and hips relaxed to the point of being able to place myself in the lotus position for the first time, this happened spontaneously on the beach.

No going back, not to so called ‘normal society’ or normal living, not to a job with regular hours, or a week and a weekend, five days fixed, two days off, a routine, that’s normal, that’s boring and repetitive, we settled down in one place as humans and settled into routines and since then our brains have shrunk, we are nomadic at heart, we love new things, new places, new experiences, that is who human beings really are, intrepid explorers and a lifestyle based on four walls that need to be paid for, or bills of almost any kind once you are free, why would you ever cage yourself again?  I accept that some people provide the world with things that require them to stay in one place, doctors, many of us work in the area we live in, but so many fewer than in the past, the idea of a community is long gone in most cities, where very few people know each other, a real community where we work together, share our lives, those days are coming back though in places like caleta playa for a while.

I also understand that some people find nudity shocking but their attitude is outdated, and most things of the archaic are on the rise, tattoos, freedom of expression, we are wild in nature and nature would wish us to be wild and free to express ourselves and nudity is a part of that, if nudity makes you feel uncomfortable it says more about you than the person who has no clothes on, your fears are driving your reaction, or you have preconceived ideas as to what nudity, nudists, hippies, free spirits, natural humans, those without fears or who choose to face and embrace them only to conquer them are like.  I have had to work through and past many of those same internal dialogues and ideas, fears and a good deal of religious dogma that says how we ought to live.  Morals and right and wrong are important and taking into account how others feel, to respect them whatever they choose to believe or do, is to give that same permission to all, live and let live, set everyone free from prescribed ways of being.  Manners are a standard I attribute to good behaviour and the ability to get on with other people requires humility and to become humble but also self confident is important.  To be and have a balanced outlook on others and the world, to walk through life the middle way between riches and asceticism, to be and feel comfortable in your own skin and to know yourself is key.

We live as children in the west, we are comfortable, lazy, cowards compared to those tribal cultures of the past and present who have brought us here after a million years of humanity.  They didn’t wreck the environment, create plastic and oil from the slowly accumulated bones and bodies of our ancestors lying on the ocean floor and beneath the bedrock of the planet or use technology and prejudice to subjugate the poor and titillate themselves at least not to the extent that we have done in the tail end of the last century and the beginning of this one.

Look in the mirror and ask yourself how much blame you can personally take for the state the world is in today?  Keep looking in that mirror and try to say I love you how does it feel?

So it’s hot and I’ve found myself slipping into old habits, drinking a little alcohol, smoking cigarettes, amongst other things that are readily available here in the wilds of Spain, I had quit everything for two years previously to my travels and it reset me in many pure ways.

Tired also by now of the pressure being put on friends who chose to leave because the police would rather the beach was clear of us, I was personally manhandled by one officer of the Guardia Civil who has no respect for individual humanity preferring the tourist euro influx.

Leave or stay, someone suggested a trip back to the Amethyst Mountains of the south coast.  I’ve been there and seen it for myself, so I ask to come along.  The rest of the story takes in a walk, hitch, bus when the heat becomes too much, squatting in deserted buildings and living off the land adventure that included a myriad of characters, locations right out of film sets and dreams, romance, action, and the best months, weeks and days of my life.

If you want to live in fear of what might happen or fill your head and heart with stories that tell one side of this planet, focussing on the worst of humanity then continue to watch the news, continue to allow everything to be someone else's problem to solve, continue to allow technology to shorten your attention span to the length of the proverbial goldfish or accept that most creatures feel and think more than we perceive or allow ourselves to recognise that they do, please by all means just watch as the natural world continues to be pillaged to within an inch of destruction, until the environment is no longer capable of supporting anything other than a very healthy population of cockroaches, or becomes one giant desert as the south of Spain is forecast to become within the next 50 years or decide instead to travel alone or with a trusted friend, meet and become another homeless person, learn what life is really all about, experience moments of sheer bliss, heal yourself and others, through true and lasting connections, be at peace with yourself and the world around you and finally accept your place as a loved soul in a much greater universe than you ever imagined.

The journey from here to wherever it is you end up whilst fraught with perceived dangers and real ones will leave you gasping for breath at the incredible beauty of nature both human and all the other forms that life takes in this amazing paradise in the making that we find ourselves in.  Life is a gift best opened with gratitude and cherished thankfully and to those who feel incapable of it I say, I was one of you and to all those who helped me to realise who I could truly be, I say bless you, and thankyou, and I love you.

home is where the fart is

so im sat in a room in the only house that's ever been or felt like home.  Only I have my own place, but no regular income to insure I don't have to keep coming back to 'borrow' food and boil water, no fire in the van i'm living in as yet, no cooker, just a comfy, Very Comfy bed thankyou and a driving seat.  So it's my first home and I can move it around and park it here there and everywhere at a friends too.  This caused me to feel lonely for the first time in a long while, that and not having any company to speak to.

Doing healing has become my main focus, whether in person or at a distance for donations, I don't often ask or mention it up front, until it became obvious for me to get my priorities right, pay people back who've helped me get back into the country recently and generally get things in the right order.  Money in the bank for emergencies and luxuries and treats and loving life and for those rainy days when you need to visit the dentist at tooth hurty.  Also it's great to have the time to feel lonely.

So filling that time, experiencing the feeling of being free is wonderful, to feel is great and feels like home only I never felt comfortable in anyone elses, always staying up late unable to switch off or waking early and high tailing it out of there before I have to say goodbye or connect and speak at all really and the anxiety that I never even realised made me continually find my stomach tight is there from time to time but only so that i can relax into my body and breathe and let go and flow.

So I'm tired because I had a very long day yesterday into today because I got up early and saw the most incredible shooting star, meteorite, meteor? what do they call the ones that are so low in the atmosphere that you see them burn up and fade away, with all the colours of the light that is released and heat on show and it was a beautiful reason to wake up at three wander about a bit and go back to sleep again by fourish and then wake to dream and dream awake, consciously being in a world like this at rest.

It's cold of course in a metal van with insulation but no heater but cosy when you're all tucked up in bed, the under blanket, sleeping bag, duvet all winter warmers and very welcome thanks to gifts from family over the years brought together with all the things I'd collected for wild camping and never used or rarely if ever even looked at so I moved it all into the ex minibus and drove away for the first time a little scared but very happy to have this place of my own to call home and live and breathe and feel.

I went to see a friend and we made a mushroom tea and drank it together and this was very healing for me, it gives you heat from within that burns away your pain whatever the cause however long it's been there, released emotions that were trapped inside so that you can cry and really feel emotional honestly and I have to say it wasn't what I thought it would be like, very body not visual, very deeply loving to honour and thank the mushrooms and made me sleepy as I'd been up all day without any sleep.

I had made a thing online to say I would stand barefoot and send healing energy to those who wished to take part, so I found a place under the shelter of a yew I discovered and grounded my bare tootsies and head connected to the sky hands throbbing with energy as it built, leaving the emptiness behind that comes from tuning into the people who wish to receive that leave my hands bereft of feeling there, mainly because as it build they and myself are being replenished as we flow with source connection.

what loves means

What love means

What does love mean?

 

I am in the woods or in a caravan or summer house or squat

 ive been travelling in foreign lands sleeping on the streets

What I have learnt will last me for a lifetime

What I have seen is people helping me in ways I would never have let them before and it's brought me to my emotional core to release so many things I has held onto and needed to let go of

So I have been given an extra portion of rice in a new place in luxembourg city by a woman whose generosityade me want to hug her and all she said was "you are my guest".

I've been accepted by the homeless of Barcelona and greeted as a friend of those who are marginalised like the immigrants and other people who live between the lines and read between them too.  I've met many who are trapped by theft of their documents and so am I a little too.

Then the addictions and availability of drink and drugs creates a spiral of misery from which they cannot escape, one woman said "I have been to  many places in the world but Barcelona is he worst"

To hear that about places so rich and so ready for another way of doing things, knowing that the difference and the gap between rich and poor allows these things to go on, being able to love well on the discarded food and clothes of others who are only consuming more and more makes sense.

But it doesn't sit well and the homelessness despite the location of an historic square that Gaudi visited daily for forty years meant I almost became a part of the daily guided tours there.

Th forest and the shore are my true home and I belong in nature not the human made forests of buildings and the lakes and ponds that substitute the natural collection of water.

The way that animals are bred Nd tamed and caged and farmed and maimed until they suffer every day from captivity as a lCk of freedom they are our slaves for meat and milk and it stinks.

So don't expect to see me ina city unless I have good reason to visit I could never live there

So some highs like meeting a graffiti artist because my travelling companion keeps on doing the things that cre me and giving me the courage to overcome that initial voice in my head that says don't

Seeing sights like a pure pink lightning above my head while wandering into an unknown town with a street dog at our heels is something I will never forget and nor should I lest it leave me like the love I have felt and continue to feel and continue to allow to grow and hare and spread until it's felt for every one I see every brother and sister whether human or plant or animal

I've messed up and I don't know how to make it right

I went away and left my car with my mum and dad so that she could use it while I was gone and I'm so badly organised I didn't realise that the M.O.T. ran out shortly after I left. I don't wish to explain anything about the details except to say that this has just been another massive fuck up on my part because I wasn't responsible enough to deal with this before I flew out because I just didn't know it was due.

Now I have to wonder what to do to make up for all the things that have happened since and it's not me that has been affected by it worst of all and without going into it any further it's been an example of why I need to grow up, be more organised and sensible, think aswell as feel what I ought to do next ànd listen more and generally not leave things to others.

Womanity continuity

So where did we get to oh yeah I was hitching and almost immediately got picked up by a woman who told me so many incredibly useful and insightful things like never eat pork because pigs being so closely related to humans, means they can carry diseases we can catch by consuming them and people suffering from Multiple sclerosis should cut out all dairy and protein from their diet because the error in their genetic makeup that causes the condition and deterioration uses protein to further the damage that has begun.  Also I learned how high a percentage of dairy cattle put forward to be added to the meat industry are riddled with pus and are not fit for human consumption because of the way they are used all their lives meaning the milk and then other products that ome from that also are not a healthy addition to any diet.  Vegans will know this already but it concretises the decision not to consume anything coming from that source.

We chatted and I explained that I do healing work with people to initiate their own body to access and use resources within to heal them.

The magic of that meeting, her willinness to take me to where I could continue on with my journey and our exchange of information was truly beautiful and I had not slept for days for longer than an hour or two so fairly rapidly after a nap and another in Friday night traffic meant I eventually ended up at another services this time on the M42 above Manchester and then planned a route from there to the monastery for the meditation weekend that had brought me home from Spain I the first place.  As I walked and listened I learnt how to comport myself in a strange place.

Hearing within the guidance to walk on the outside of the pavement how to be dressed how to hold myself how to be and act.

All the while not knowing where I was but where I was going checking the maps on buss tops from time to time walking and learning and traversing a new city as I made me way with tiredness following me but a sense of adventure nonetheless and always a need to respect the environment and myself and others.

So I finally got to an area I knew a lttle and because I was choosing to trust the guidance I received i also wanted to prove to myself that I could walk up to a place I had been before also.  I got to Heaven on Earth the Space.  Walking around not knowing where the monastery was I asked a guy having a smoke in his doorstep and his girlfriend told him to tell me where he area of Gorton was.  Ajacent to where I was and so I kept on going.  Past a club with a lot of people milling around outside a little fearful of the area and people.

Drive on keep on going you can do it I heard.

Always facing the fact that I have a positive inner dialogue these days along with a need to accept those parts of myself some deny exist.

I found the monastey nestled in a housing estate with new looking houses and high value modern cars so I took myself to a bus top and fell asleep sat with my rucksack and things.

Waking up I waited until hey opened the gates and sat on a bench to wait until everyone else came to the event.

I slept through the meditations for the most part and lunchime came around.  I had no money and was gifted a banana and tried to see if anyone would take pity on me further.

All I had to give were crystals I had found and brought with me from my travels so I gave them to the people sat on my table and by the end of the weekend I had given almost all of them away and experienced the Joy of meeting new people being offered a little something here and there doin some healing only to receive some surprisingly from an older gentleman called Roger and generally being muh more myself after having asked and been offered a place to stay at a flat with someone I barely knew all the while being dared to do things that have terrified me all of my life.

Askin for what I need.  Facing possible rejection.  Ignoring thoughts of failure.

Being able and willing to be better and succeed where before there was only ever anxiety and dread.  Living life based on a reduced need for things like food and only what I had with me.

By the second day well rested although we had stayed up very late or early depending on your point of view ;) it came to the end of the day and I had nowhere to go but home finally for the first time in over a month and needing a lift a woman I had met also required a ride home, one of the people I had got to speak to because of the gift of amethysts and shared experience of the weekend.  So I asked Roger if he knew of anyone going south for this woman.  It would be great if there was room for two but she was more important to my mind because she had further to go and I was brought up to respect and honour women children before myself.  There was!  Not only that but room for me aswell yes what a day.

So chatting as we headed home lead to a meeting in Glastonbury the following week and a walk up to the tor, collecting some spring water and seein a chap whose face I knew from somewhere and my new friend was only too happy for me to go and discover where and how and why I recognised this homeless man.

We had met it transpired on the high treet in the town on New Years Eve when he had just gotten back from Spain and I was going to a party in the Assembly rooms to meet friends.

So as we caught up it turned out that he was going back to Spain in a few weeks time.  To the same area I had just left.  To the same village and to the very same beach I had just been living on for the past several weeks!

Incredible amazin wonderful synchronicity!

So that was a catalyst for me to choose a flight close to his knowing I will have someone who knows the area well on my return and more than that he's been to the communities I would like to visit over there and our future was set.

Bumped into someone from Birmingham who had been to the meditaton weekend who was house sitting just outside the town after that.

I was havin difficulty keeping the biggest grin from my face and feeling so blessed and happy.

On our return home my new friend exclaimed and we had to stop to take photos of the most beautiful magical rainbow I've ever seen.

7

Quoting then retelling a tale of womanity

A piece written by Jill Kiefer from a book gifted to me by a friend, entitled 'The Spirit That Wants Me A New Mexico Anthology'.

The paths I now follow in my life and work invite me to explore that spree of felings, frolic and ideas which serves to continually remind me of what else is out there.  It's a DETOUR from the present ROUTE of so many which, though often impressive, does get backed up with traffic and is heavily controlled.  While there is, undoubtedly, potential to cover many miles in the traditions of FULL SPEED AHEAD and EXPRESS LANES ONLY, interstates also impose the rules of NO CHANGING LANES, NO STOPPING and NO PASSING.  Their language is established and impersonal their construction, inflexible.  The EXITS from those choices are few and far between.  For all of the expediency which those ROUTES attempt to provide, I can only move forward in certain areas by taking back roads.  Perhaps it is the difference between travel and journey.  The journey may take a bit longer but the occasional CURVEIN the road leads to the adventures which, when added up, result in life.  My life is articulated here in New Mexico--the Land of Back Roads.

I was following my own back roads which lead me to a group meditation in Manchester and a building called Francis Gorton Monastery.  How I got there is the journey from Spain to Birmingham airport and a walk of a dozen miles or so with backpack and all my belongings into the city entre.   Roaming around to see at 4am the revellers passing back home from a night out because like so many towns and cities there is a large population of students living and possibly studying there ;) So I find myself alone as so often in life amongst many strangers in a strange place adventurng finding new sights and sounds to be exciting despite the tiredness the aches and pains the feeling of being alone is an Energy of creation and exploration for me.  New experiences drive me to leave behind the familiar the habits and routines if a life lived within television schedules or the Monday to Friday nine to five that so many need to earn themselves a place to live and shelter and feel safe.  The security of that way of being is obvious but anathma to my spirit.

I saw a lot of the town from the architecture to the mass of building work being undertaken to the fact that as usual everything I would like to have visited or taken advantage of like the mseum or library were closed at least until 11am long after I wished to be much further north and far too long to stay in one place for.

I worked out a plan to go to the services at Frankley and headed in the general direction by following the path of the sun what I hoped was south and west havin come from the south and east of the city.  So a long way to walk as there was another seven miles of trudging to do yet along the canal path past industrial and university campuses and old and new places along the way.  Asking for directions from people who are unused to walking anywhere.

They find it hard to believe that I might choose to walk a few miles.  "Oh you're a long way from there that's your general direction'.  Ask the lad in the white helmet he's from that area.

He isn't or doesn't and only says a few words encouraging at least and the canal beckons me.

Dropping down away from roads to follow waterways and relax and try not to rush on.

Relax as much as you can.  Your speed is good speed comes to mind which I saw as a yellow graffiti on a concrete pillar somewhere in spain whilst on the road to Santiago de Compostela.  Tiredness is a choice physically mentally you can usually achieve much more than you think you can and just keep on going.

Eventually I reach a village and directions for the services.  It seems a lot more than seven miles and snow on the side of getting road soothes my by now hot and blistered feet.

Swollen and sore wet bottoms allowing the rot to set in as the skin seems more like its been in a bath for days underwater socks stinking.

So I stand barefoot in the last snow and collect some in the box of the chips I bought back there.  Finally managing to painfully walk the last few hundred yards to Frankley service station by going south when I mean to arrive north and Manchester as my final destination.

Charging my phone resting my feet all whilst trying not to offend with my look of tramp and homeless person torn trousers where badly patched holes have been rerevealed and coat that once was almost brand new saved from  bonfire with only a tiny hole in the lining of one pocket repaired made it a welcome addition to my wardrobe faithful trusty fluffy Duffy duffle coat with furry hood intact with slightly ragged edges to the cuffs from wear.

So I fill my water bottle even though I'm more used to having a car and the freedom that brings to go and collect sprig water regularly and grateful for at least a little while to sit in a coffee shop plugged into their power outlet with WiFi to reconnect with the world at large.

They refill my bottle again before I leave even though I've made no purchase and I leave to go and hitchhike for the first time ever in my life.

It goes well considering I'm stood there with a sign that says FREE HUGS for only a few minutes and what must be the twentieth vehicle only too.  Bemused car drivers and passengers listning to advce about which side of the road to stand and how near or far from the junction my ride is a woman from Poland who lives here and has only been driving on the left for six months who works for the food industry by cutting open meat animals to see if they are fit for human consumption officially.

Vision quest tres

Now I'm in a hostal sitting back in bed totally loving the luxury after three days or more of heavy rain put paid to the freedom of living from day to day and moment to moments.

I like to visit spiritual sites and see the sights so I've explored and learnt the city for myself to connect hose places I knew and needed to know for fruits and vegetables and healthy beginnings to come back with investments of money and time in myself and Healing work for those here and back home from a distance.

So next is reconnection to the energies I am feeling right now spreading like a rush like a tingling from my toes up to my waist and I know that if I lay out it will reach my crown.

Because I have spent the day sayin goodbye to foods eatin them one last time I connect to a future already preexisting that I can live and feel now where I have lessened my need to eat through meditation and the learning that comes from a process of choosing to be more conscious of food and drink and behaviour.

So for the full moon a few days ago I created in a symbolic sense a feeling and a place of sacred energy to be given over to those who wish to honestly share their truth and stories and we did that and I faced my temptations and addictions of old rearing their heads and I find them to be necessary as with so many things to show me what I don't want in my life.

After a night out on the town and a tiny nightclub experience which we a great chance to dance but ultimately a waste of money but a lesson nonetheless in time management I then went and did the English pub experience and found it a tourist trap and very basic which was good as again it reminded me why I don' do that sort of thing anymore these days.

Churros and chocolate the last two days has go to be an exception I enjoyed it so much but as with so many things from the past as you grow and change they no longer feel right or have the same effect somehow losing their appeal.

In the case of the above Spanish traditional breakfast I loved it so much again and again.

The social aspect I see of friends meetin to connect before their day begins and this is love in action and a very beautiful  atmosphere.

Ultimately though I know there are things I can do and choose not to anymore and some experiences teach me to leave others behind.

So onwards and upwards and lettin go to make space for the new and refreshing and exciting.

Feeling the transformational energy of creation in action the pleasing heart led decision to face facts and take a different path knowing it's the right thing for me and all as this is my focus. What is good for everyone?

Spain in the rain part deux

So my friend went away and in the meantime we went to two incredible raw food potluck something I had never heard of before at all.  I brought a whole papaya to the first and after trying someones raw vegan cake I got the recipe and created my own version for the second one as a thankyou present to Seany.

I learnt so much in such a short time I am really a changed person with so many lessons providing me with the fuel for the fire of transformation and creation to face old habits patterns and programming to question my ways of being to ask myself am I repeating myself from an earlier age because of trauma or a felt need to avoid harsh words or even the fear of failure or even communication itself.

So I have eaten a lot of crap since then and sugary stuff and beers and tapas with meat and basically conciously taken a few back steps like saying goodbye to an old friend or relationship that ought to end by leaving some things to be consigned to the past forever.

To heal I have met someone who has fasted only consuming a little water and one piece of fruit in eleven days and I believed her when she said that it was like becomin the air so that you feel a part of everthing again as we once were you see I feel like we left the garden by eating the wrong things only to find ourselves no longer the part of nature we meant to play to be to feel to experience to evolve into us.

I have enjoyed a weekend off where I had to book a room in a hostal to get out of the rain and avoid everything getting very wet along with all my things. Challenging myself to see the stuff I have as less and less important and accept that if I am well and I have my health my time and my freedom that is all I need.

Vision Quest in Spain and Rain Comes in

Arriving at night into Nerja bus station which is a slightly grand way of saying to a bus stop I choose to walk to Cuevas de Nerja near Maro where my friend is stayin looking after a finca.

It's an end to an incredible day that began with tears as I took off and saw the clouds from above and a conversation with an ex pat couple one from the UK the other from Iran.

Being described as a free spirit makes me see things about my trip that I hadn't yet and wide eyed about every aspect of the journey I make my way to the home of my friend but it's late.

Flea infested accommdation doesn' sound like the Dream I was lookin for so I go down to the beach to spend my first night there instead to find a fire drawing me in despite my fears.

Young people around it from England Belgium Estonia Germany and me from wherever I am from and right now I'm from here so I settle in and by morning I have friends on the beach.

So the next day dawns after a lengthy conversation with an incredibly young and enthusiastic and creative entrepreneurial individual who I will know as Frantz.

I felt an energy about the place when I walked past all the fincas which I take to mean the bits of land and buildings set aside and divided up into gardens greenhouses and irrigation.

Life soon settles into a routine of eating fresh fruits and vegetables on shopping trips to town with my friend Sean who has been here two months and on a previous trip a few years ago.

That and sunbathin on the beach eating the recycled food which is anything the young folks have gathered that is being thrown out by the supermarkets or market traders that day.

Sleepin in the back of a car as it's cold at night becomes the normal I work in the garden of the massage yoga reining centre for something to do and to pass the time and feel more useful.

Trips to town are mesmerising and take hours walking from one place to another seeking ripe fruits and vegetables of quality from the only ecological shop and certain grocers.

It takes us all over the place to the home of what my friend calls the grandmothers a series of women selling produce from their doorstep and by week two I've discovered another one.

So the sights and smells and locals and tourists and travellers and passers by and van dwellers and local bar and source of spring water become part of my life too fitting them all in.

I had known I was to take myself off on a vision quest before I left the plane it became apparent sonic said as much and packed a bag with little food and water for three days also.

I hiked from our home with no phone or tech just a backpack sleeping bag and a little energy of nervousness and excitement and the thrill of adventure rushing as I chose to leave then.

I drank and walked up and into the smaller foothills to pockets of tiny by lower altitude conifers on rocky slopes of herbs growin wild and free together Lavender Thyme Rosemary.

Reaching a point high and far away from the noise of the roads I felt I'd gone far enough to make myself a little nest under one of the conifers near the top of one of the foothills.

Sleeping bag laid out I got as comfortable as I could on a bed of needles and dried mud amongst the rocks and branches as I layed back my head cleared and visual images came.

Drifting off into sleep tired from all the steep climbing I woke often to empty out the spring water and each time it was from dreams that scare and inspire but certainly teach us much.

Bringing dream worlds to life and learning from the experiences that come only to need them in the future whether distant or near and although not well rested arrivin within so well.

I was tired when the next day began early with meditation and alarms to remind me to send healing to someone at home via the distant healing technique of connecting and sending.

Sayin my prayer to connect then set an intention for it to go where it needs to whatever they need it for allowing myself to be empty of thoughts only for solutions to arrive.

To stay cold with no food would be foolish I knew it was best to travel down and although three days and nights became one night I had aimed for the stars reaching the moon happily.

As I came down a different path sometimes seein the same sights and also discovering new things like the carcass of a goat I felt reborn and healed and new and capable.

It was the adventure I was seeking and so muh more and I am so glad that I took myself off to experience it before the weather turned in the second week but more about that later.

So beach life consisted of washing self and clothes in the surf the views of crystal clear waters and sand to lay on to soak up the sun connected body and soul to the elements.

The naked young women doin yoga and their morning routines standing in their power was a beautiful feeling and inspired me to get into the water and lay there free of all outer layers.

Sunbathing by getting in touch with your skin as the suns rays nourish and cleanse your energy  and body completely as the salt water and sand feed your need for minerals aswell.

Meetin so many folk of different walks of life being as polite to the locals and looking as wild and free as I felt in my hippy trousers and shirts and the rhythm of fetchin spring water.

today

Evolving away from writing blog posts? yah boo! not good enough Jon, don't talk to yourself in the third person that's not good, not all the time or even now.  So I have been going from the sort of person in love with my own image, even though i was never all that sure that i was anything but a pretty picture, but even so i craved to see any pictures that had been taken of me, and pick which ones i thought presented me in a good way and then share them, on social media that would mean a constantly changing profile picture, and lots of tagged photos of me usually half naked at a dance party or festival because I don't really like to wear clothes and dance with a sweat full tshirt on.

Now i've got to the point where i'm not going to those parties, they don't interest me in the same way, drinking makes me feel sorry for those who don't even know what's going on let alone remember any of it, like i used to, blacking out and finding myself having been sick, gotten home unconsciously or whatever, gloss over all that, it's childish behaviour and i find it just not nice to be around that atmosphere any more, drugs the same, now i see people off their faces and glad i'm on my face, or my face is on my head, so I'm happy not to care about sharing pictures of my face and don't take many.

I'm creating a lot of poems, floems, poetry, floetry, whatever you want to call them and those are going on my Patreon account, basically an online museum  for patrons to visit to see my works and if they choose support me regularly with a monthly donation of any amount and at regular levels they can receive some kind of reward for that support, whilst I provide spiritual healing for free as always.

So that is good and my life has become more like other peoples, so busy with chores and daily stuff, that even without a full time job, i find myself with little time for anything other than creating, sharing, caring, supporting others, visiting friends, having them visit here, it's all very exciting and i'm not scared as much as i used to be, not as stuck in patterns as though i can work through lessons to get passed the layers of the onion that were holding me back, no fear, calm dawning over the land of me and me working as hard only smarter and with my time feeling more like a life lived well.

Going back to basics, being there for others, maintaining relationships, creating new ones, getting people coming to me for help, healing, reassurance, being myself openly, without that fear there, whatever comes will be, feeling better every day, healing chronic wounds, painful injuries, physical, emotional maybe, deep hurts i caused that i can't take back that i live with and have to carry around.

Whatever, at least this isn't rhyming, seeing people occasionally, bumping into others, really experiencing moments, of pure joy, mostly in nature, freedom to be, to choose, the live, to feel, to connect with  nature, meet trees, barefoot on the ground, it's harder but more fun and better for me.

So my creative side is blossoming and i get to share that, i can't remember what i said to who so that's a good sign and something i wasn't experiencing before, i now speak to so many people it gets me passed all sorts of problems so much so living in the moment takes you right through whatever thoughts you might have had, no time to think, just get on with it, being dared to do things that i might have talked myself out of before, call this person, speak to that person, stop and talk to that person, beep your horn and wave, connect, smile, don't be afraid, get involved in life, live more.

That's it for now as i regularly do a live broadcast on facebook at 9pm for a group healing meditation for anyone to join in with wherever they are, shared into groups online, sit or lay down with the intention of receiving healing energy, whatever you need it for, take it in, it's coming to you, my intention is to become a conduit for it to flow through me to you, whoever you are wherever you are.

www.patreon.com/MedicineManWildWalks my patreon for e patrons of my online museum of writen and video artworks, often with pictures and words added that come through me for anyone to enjoy

facebook.com/FreeEnergyRevolution for the Free Energy Healing Page, regular group healing meditations on a monday at 6pm, every evening live on facebook at 9pm for anyone to join in

So that's the bottom line and i'm off to Spain for some Holy Days for the first time since I last went on a pilgrimage in 2009 and before that my last package holiday in 2008/9 christmas and new year.

This time its free form, no plans, just meet a friend in the area, explore a lot, hiking into the national park, live in a cave maybe, see what happens and what i can happen to, live cheaply, and free. Swim.

So without all the need to take pictures and the freedom to just live in the moment it becomes a less stressful idea, in fact there are no ideas, no thoughts, only experiences to be had and enjoyed more.

Less thinking more doing, I shall see you when I get back and now that this is a blog again i hope to have a very small number of photos to share possibly, but a lot of stories to tell and i wish you well.

In the meantime, today I went hunting for an invasive species to help a friend heal from a pest species, I gave away a load of herbs dried and growing that I've been aching to share and give to a good home, we sat and had tea and just chatted and i can tell you it's been ages since I just did that.

The party seen is so shallow, lots of hugs which are great but so little real interaction, just going from one to the next was amazing don't get me wrong, i don't wish to insult any drinkers or druggers, get on with your life the way you choose, i just don't feel that anymore, it's not for me, i dip in occasionally, I miss the faces and the smiles but there just wasn't anything long term in it for me.

This feels better, special and real time, quality time with a few people, those who wish to better themselves, not that there's anything wrong with the way others choose to live their lives, but i feel as though i'm on the right side, the pendulum has relaxed into the middle from two extremes, so it's a happy medium where i generally just live a gentle happy life, full of healthy experiences and magical times, where time is not an issue, just allowing things to flow, feelings to grow and everything to expand naturally until i feel complete, growing, expanding into space, and full of life, healing too.

My personal space, the body, the energy i am, the way i feel, all says that it's on a positive note and i love the song that it's singing, facing the habits that still aren't good, but they are less damaging than those that were there before, deeper layers of the onion, smaller loops, uncovering truths, being.

As for anything else to say we'll see what happens in Spain and I hope I've made enough lavender pillow case enhancers because i've spent an awfully long time sewing them to give away as gifts.

Journeying to the centre of me

Let alone to the centre of the earth, the sky, the feelings i have and wonder why it's taken so long?

But before this becomes a poem again, or some kind of rhyming thing, I will finally have the strength and time to change my mind and find the rhythm of writing normally again as in a blog post for you.

So tonight i was guided to take folks on a journey and magically, beautifully it was shared to a group and i waited, chatting with a friend before really getting into the drumming, quietly because I didn't want to disturb the relatives here, and loudly enough to hear the beat of the drum with my finger tips and send myself into a state of calm relaxation, people there, somewhere in the world listening and joining in as i quietened the mind, the rational bit, and emptying it out i found a story coming in.

A story of a journey away from towns and cities to the forest, on a dark moon unlit night, with the darkness causing the eyes to become accustomed to the lack of light, the sights are lost except for the stars, a very wintry scene and scary for some in foreign lands i would think where wolf and bear and their kin wander freely, on this occasion we travelled to the deep woods, away from prying eyes and human beings, into the woodland tracks and clearings, up a hill to visit with the mountain air and trees and finally arriving at the summit of a hill to see the starlight raining down, a clear night sky, a shooting star, connections near and far, to the stars as they wandered into view, the night sky alive and the ground becoming a way to cleanse and find peace in this life, as the mushroom mycelium and crystals and earth beneath the feet gather energies to be renewed and earthly life to be regenerated.

It was a chance for me to lead a journey, to honour the directions, the elements, the seasons and the self, to begin a journey without and within, to share this with others, to let my imagination become one with the all that is, to bring healing to those who took part, and to myself, to continue my healing journey as a medicine man, a spirit worker, guided as i am, being myself really for the first time ever.

Feeling the responsibility, the joy, the passionate embrace of the energy, the beauty of giving, living free, being me, working for others, sending love, making connections, giving affections, energy.

You see this is the culmination and feels like the end of a story, the end of a trip, the coming together of two vehicles in space, the sky falling on me, and yet it's also the best thing that's ever happened.

I'm lucky, grateful, blessed, and feeling like i deserve it for the first time in a long time, if ever.

I am very teary as i write this, a lump almost forming in my throat, things have happened, been happening, I've been so close to this before, narrow escapes, false dawns, ways that I've expressed this kind of creativity, these visions of a healing journey. the idea of creating sacred healing space.

A lodge, a place for folks to be held and healed and for their true self to be revealed, no more rhymes here, let's concentrate on truth and love.  So here I am with the courage to continue on, create, build.

No fear, having faced the dark for real out there, now to face it inside more, I wrote about the shadow several years ago, now promised journeys into the wilds, walking pilgrimages to the river where i was born, to follow its course, all the way there and back.  To greet and make an offering to it, and to visit and walk the length of the spine of the ridge of the nearest hill to where i was born, the edge of the Cotswolds hills, a path trod by many before me and many after i am sure, another part of the same mission I am committed to take and I will, backpack packed with hammock, tarp, cooking utensils.

So I will finish my training for now knowing that the real work begins with those who wish to visit, who wish to receive healing in person, after a year of training in spiritual healing and years of doing it before that intuitions leading me to guidance and experience, knowing, and being, a natural healer.

Creating sacred space, opening and closing, ceremony, energy work, healing, wild food foraging, meeting the ancient forest trees, sitting in connection with nature herself, meeting each other, people.

The worst of animals for much of my life, to me, anyway, I have struggled, out there I was happiest.

But that nature is only a step away from who we really are, wild and free, healing me has been to return me to my place in society, to bring me back into the bosom of my family, ancestors, history, herstory, the revelations and the mystery, the stories, the creations, the preparations, the training.

All bringing me to this day, to the drum, to the beat, listening in, sharing out, trading, energy for love.

Love for energy, giving healing away for donations is my way, to allow others to receive the love.

We are all one family, one world, we must realise that, be one again, to survive, to heal, reveal us.

To live in truth is to see the reality behind the things we see, and smell, taste, touch, feel, sense.

The experience, the senses only take us so far, the bare bones and breath, breathe deeply, let go.

Where will that take us, where can we end up, what will we do, can we all move on, evolve, grow?

I believe so, I am willing to give my life in service to nature and to my fellow beings like I promised.

So many years ago when I walked five hundred miles in a foreign country alone and learnt my path.

Love New Things

Went out today to ground my feet, and burn a fire to keep my hands warm, practise gathering the materials as I would if I were showing someone how, to start a fire from scratch, so that they know too, and enjoy the experience of doing it themselves, getting to light it once and tend it to help it on its way, much harder in the winter, the wood is often wet through or damp in the centre, the cold stops it from taking quite as easily as it does in summer, and the cold keeps the oxygen levels down, low to the ground, the moisture being forced out of the firewood as it sizzles and spits and smokes and chokes you if you're not careful, so you are but get covered in the smell and the addition of pine branches, helps to drive out parasites, and cleanse the skin, and breathing in the resins clears the chest because the cold gets in there too, creates an issue when you can't heat your place and the breath is cold air coming in, the body dry and needing to drink more water to replenish that which keeps the breath hot and the skin moist which is why we get chapped lips, sore skin, wind blown and burnt.

Bare feet on the ground to give back, to earth myself to let go the extra static electric from being in a house all the time, and not wandering for hours barefoot on grass like in the summer months, creating a great healthy feeling and an energy often lacking when the sun is less strong and our skin doesn't take it in, but mostly that's a lack of going outside, wrapped up warm to get our outside time in nature because we don't feel like it in a vicious circle cycle of not wanting to face the winter winds, and then that becomes not spending enough time out in it, unless it snows because we find that fun, but anyway it was good to go and watch the sunset or at least gaze from up in a tree on a hill, favourite place for me now, the hill closest to where i was born, the ridge of the cotswolds edge, gaining in popularity with me since I did a workshop on connecting to the sources of energy within nature of my birth, creating relationship to the land and the waters of my birthplace, my birthright, to be connected.

I do healing then often, because i feel as though i have done some for me, on myself, just by giving myself time to be there, feel there, energise and become ecstatically happy again, smiling, laughing, childlike not childish, i like to make that distinction, wondering, feeling wonder in, inside, outside, seeing more, feeling more, connecting, and running, climbing a tree, running down a hill, something i have been guilty of judging others for in the past, jealous probably, seeing someone carefree and loving their life, seeing the shadow, the inner self, the liar, the lied to, the lie, lies, laying deep at the bottom of the shadow of the self, wherein is the light that we really are, the gentle self, the true self, and going there, is where i am at, to finally keep going until there is only darkness, only the smirk, only the child who tries acting but smiles because they know they are pretending, to reveal the real.

To reveal the self who can say their truth, without feeling as though they are making it up, act real, be real, trace every thought to it's programming, trace every image to it's fantasy, go deeper, inside, by journeying, by being mindful a word i have come to despise like veganism, isms are a lie too, just be you, just do what you feel is right at the time, and don't judge others because when they see you eating a sandwich made of white bread and butter, and cheese they will doubt your truth, they will wonder if you ever meant what you said, so will you, and cave sometimes to old habits, because you think they will give you the pleasure that they used to but they don't because you do not enjoy that anymore and never did, crisps though, walkers salt and vinegar they were still good, things that taste good may not be good for you, but they sure taste like they are, the distinction there is the truth and the lie too.  But you learn as though it were a test, whatever i was getting at when i started this i don't yet know, eventually i usually magically manage to circle back and tie up loose ends.

Becoming the true self you leave behind what no longer serves you, because you are in service to the truth which is love, i hasten never to use someone elses phrases or words, or lies, or cliches, if i can i would prefer to turn everything on its head, sentences backwards, no fire without smoke sort of thing, and keep that going, to reveal some hidden truth about this topsy turvy world of mine that i live in.

We all live in something strange, rearranged gradually or in a rush, slow down, breathe, find the stomach is tight again, panic setting in?  It's a deep wound, coming to the surface just like all the consciousness that is becoming like the waters of a lake, serene as times these days, chronic never, acute sometimes, the ripples are gentler, the waves lapping gently, on the shores, journeys undertaken and meditation coming in not out, i clear my mind, spirit talks to me, enters into my open body, to my mind, through my heart to be processed with love, to see the truth which is love, to feel it too, in the form of bodily sensations, vibrations, healing, freeing, seeing, being, doing, entering into a new stage of life, where i fail to see the patterns of others as a problem for me, you be you, i'll be me and i no longer have to explain that to others, be their mirror as much, because i'm not around those who do not wish to discuss death as readily as life, or spiritual matters as much as the physical energy we are.

So life is better, more relaxed, coping with a feeling of lack, knowing im showing signs of the past, but those were dry runs im getting so wet, don't talk about it because spoilers!  Get there in your own time, this life or next, whatever, fool no, joker no, not labelling, never liked names, you are you, hi.

Wondering why comes less often, now it's experiences more, time no, it flies away from me, being is the way to be, i do more but seem to be getting less real work done, it takes so much of life to look after oneself better, and do all the chores, and communicate with others other than me which i never much liked, not on the phone, not in person, but it's what i must do, because i love it really, sharing, caring, being there for them because i see through their issues right away not mine so much oh well.

Create solutions based on holding them in a warm embrace, letting them play, be free outside, that will do, wait and see, hold on, for them to feel it and come to me, no pressure, no friction, just wait, do some temporary whatever if i have to, because i dearly wish to travel for a holiday and be me.

Not take the spiritual transformation with me on my journey, be me, the person, not the god self, not take everything so seriously or immediately go to the deepest level of reality, or meaning in a word.

Not take people as though they were seeing and feeling as i do, that they wish me to join them there, but actually allow them to be them, not having to join me, or make me feel less or more than i am, because they can just do their thing happily, the banter, the chat, the small talk, enjoy it all please.

I'm just me again more than ever, finding my own enjoyment in experience, not shopping but walking around seeing people, things, once in a lifetime experiences like a bird coming closer than ever before.  Goldcrests, fluttering like bumblebees, i can't persuade anyone the desperate nature of nature so they will just have to realise it for themselves, as they obviously are choosing not to now so that's that.  Not my business to explain anything anymore, try to offload the revelations and information, just be me, relax into that, try to see if there's any enjoyment to be had in just catching up with them.

Feeling less like a business like experience, you know i'm here for a reason, let's see what it is, something i need to say to you, you need to say to me, forget that quite so much, let the innocence of being be, let the talk talk, but at the same time it's hard for someone like me who is a conduit for love.