home is where the fart is

so im sat in a room in the only house that's ever been or felt like home.  Only I have my own place, but no regular income to insure I don't have to keep coming back to 'borrow' food and boil water, no fire in the van i'm living in as yet, no cooker, just a comfy, Very Comfy bed thankyou and a driving seat.  So it's my first home and I can move it around and park it here there and everywhere at a friends too.  This caused me to feel lonely for the first time in a long while, that and not having any company to speak to.

Doing healing has become my main focus, whether in person or at a distance for donations, I don't often ask or mention it up front, until it became obvious for me to get my priorities right, pay people back who've helped me get back into the country recently and generally get things in the right order.  Money in the bank for emergencies and luxuries and treats and loving life and for those rainy days when you need to visit the dentist at tooth hurty.  Also it's great to have the time to feel lonely.

So filling that time, experiencing the feeling of being free is wonderful, to feel is great and feels like home only I never felt comfortable in anyone elses, always staying up late unable to switch off or waking early and high tailing it out of there before I have to say goodbye or connect and speak at all really and the anxiety that I never even realised made me continually find my stomach tight is there from time to time but only so that i can relax into my body and breathe and let go and flow.

So I'm tired because I had a very long day yesterday into today because I got up early and saw the most incredible shooting star, meteorite, meteor? what do they call the ones that are so low in the atmosphere that you see them burn up and fade away, with all the colours of the light that is released and heat on show and it was a beautiful reason to wake up at three wander about a bit and go back to sleep again by fourish and then wake to dream and dream awake, consciously being in a world like this at rest.

It's cold of course in a metal van with insulation but no heater but cosy when you're all tucked up in bed, the under blanket, sleeping bag, duvet all winter warmers and very welcome thanks to gifts from family over the years brought together with all the things I'd collected for wild camping and never used or rarely if ever even looked at so I moved it all into the ex minibus and drove away for the first time a little scared but very happy to have this place of my own to call home and live and breathe and feel.

I went to see a friend and we made a mushroom tea and drank it together and this was very healing for me, it gives you heat from within that burns away your pain whatever the cause however long it's been there, released emotions that were trapped inside so that you can cry and really feel emotional honestly and I have to say it wasn't what I thought it would be like, very body not visual, very deeply loving to honour and thank the mushrooms and made me sleepy as I'd been up all day without any sleep.

I had made a thing online to say I would stand barefoot and send healing energy to those who wished to take part, so I found a place under the shelter of a yew I discovered and grounded my bare tootsies and head connected to the sky hands throbbing with energy as it built, leaving the emptiness behind that comes from tuning into the people who wish to receive that leave my hands bereft of feeling there, mainly because as it build they and myself are being replenished as we flow with source connection.