Normal Blog Entry

So I've settled into a routine where I work in the week and then friday afternoon or saturday morning i go and by a fancy loaf of spelt bread and vegetables to make my own food with for the week.  It isn't easy though or it wasn't at first to be the only one in the house who doesn't eat factory farmed meat, food products and such, sugar, dairy products, anything coming from the use of animals in slavery that is.

That sounds a little extreme because we've been doing these things for a while, farming I mean, but it's become an industry not a career, robot milking parlours, i used to work in the National Milk Records offices at Chippenham, which was before that part of the Milk Marketing Board so I know a little about this stuff, worked at an abbatoir for a little while, enough to hear the pigs cry out in fear as they arrived to be killed.

For me these things are easy when you consider that animals live free and wild naturally, it's only humans that consume milk after having been weaned, i may have mentioned this before, but hey whose to say i'm right in this respect?  Basically the vegan attitude is animal products are bad for the animals and therefore we are contributing to their suffering by purchasing products that mean an animal will have suffered or been used.

I see the sheep in the field and I wonder are they happy or just content with their lot in life, they are protected from the predators that no longer exist in their environment, apart from foxes and birds that will attack a young lamb up until it can fend for itself, but that's natural selection, it takes the weak and the lame out of the picture to save them from suffering further, we now no longer live with natural selection anymore.

Those who need glasses would have stumbled into the path of something that wanted to eat us, those with cancer live on to pass on their cancer genes to their offspring, although cancer is in many respects a disease that thrives on our lifestyles, has increased fifty fold, from 1 in 50 affected to one in three in our lifetimes I seem to think the stress of modern life, but then weren't they stressed in the war or had little to eat before?

So the modern world creates a lot of problems for later generations, am I saying we oughtn't  not treat and cure or at least put off the death of the cancer stricken until a later date?  Not really, progress it's called and it really is, like I say we are all living in a world more toxic, more diseases in the environment, the trees, the frogs, the birds, generally most things are sicker than they used to be, and only more dangers every day.

It's a strange thing to be alive, to feel the fear of death, to notice my thought when others are ill, to realise that I worry about them, about myself, how will I cope in the future, I have no family of my own, I didn't face my fears in the past of being with someone so I created this situation, I was thinking about destiny, how whatever happens is what was meant to be, because around us wraps this reality, our future truncated by our present.

The lines that stretch away from us, I've said this before too, we face an uncertain future with many roads and many paths and many possible outcomes all available to us depending on our choices, our subconcious knows what we will choose for tea before we do, we even act on things already decided, as though we are living in a cognitive deficit,  a time traveller catching up with the moments to come having journeyed back.

We will live the life we choose, will fill out the bubble of time and space that expands when we move in one direction or the other, fitting together with the choices of everyone else, if you believe they are not you in the first place, connected as we are in this so called illusion of separation, able to be an individual for this life and revel in the feeling of being one alone inside this body created out of matter but I've gone off on a tangent.

My journey from eating whatever i was given to providing my own rations and loving it, my trip to find myself in better health although more aware of my own faults and failings because of it, this feeling of needing to heal body which is the mind, mind which is the body, soul and spirit, spirit the thing that moves my body and soul being the feeling of connecting to a higher source of information, as though I were a sky scraper cloudward.

I wrote out an exercise from a book about psychic development where you see who you as residing on the ground floor of that building, you notice the basement is locked with no key, that's out of bounds and needs no exploration, all we need to do is notice that this place has unlimited floors reaching infinitely up into space reaching for the heavens and we are learning to inhabit the lower floors and up and up and so it goes along.

I wonder and worry about a time last year when i did what my mind said i ought, i don't remember it all, that's the pickle, I've had this feeling over the years, of fears as thoughts, seemingly not mine, or at least from a scared part of me I would call the devil if I knew another name I would speak it, don't go there, you'll lose your head, your heart, parties, get togethers, spiritual church, more recently other things, almost everything.

I would think something and there's this don't, don't, don't like a deep unwillingness, a level of uncertainty or certainty of a negative outcome, often I've ignored those thoughts and gone out into the world, rarely to regret the outcome of a social situation, but it's the things I've lost, memories, possessions even, that i treasured, things that I seemed to have that I can't say how I came by them, apports I received from where?

This is going back a few years to when I got things under my pillow, I said they were from the truth fairy, I woke up during the time that I spent winters and summers in the caravan, a piece of blue mineral vaguely heart shaped, a perfect round clay sphere, apparently a roman marble, I gave them both away to those i saw as my spiritual brother and sister and I don't regret that, but I'm keeping good habits and facing up to it all.

I don't want to be told that I've been somewhere when I don't remember having been there at all, that I drove there, this is a few years ago, during the time I was doing drugs at clubs and then going back to places to spend the weekend, lacking sleep because I struggle in a strange place, that scared me a lot so it creates a situation where you doubt things, yourself, things seem to have been misplaced, was that me?  You distrust.

Others especially, you doubt your own eyes, ears, senses all, I'm trying to get to a point that this is for a good reason, doing the healing course is something I was hoping to, I've been turned around because things could not get any worse, I like to put that whole period in the light of having been a wake up call, I have to make what could have been worse better, I have to make sure it was worth it, that I make it all worth while for all.

I did energy healing for the group i run tonight, I focussed my attention, i attuned by saying my prayer internally, i see different traditions in the world, I wonder which are good, which evil, are any good whole heartedly any evil, are they a mixture of things, good turned bad, bad turned good, mysteries to be discovered, secret societies behind closed doors, is there one truth behind all, who created this place?

Are those of us who wish to find out the mad and inept and dangerously daring or the bravest and most caring?  Am I leading other astray by sharing what I find out, what comes to me, all this time on my journey i've experienced all sorts of incredible things, balanced myself out, thought that some of the times when I was on a cocktail of drink and drugs were the most profound spiritual truths i've ever witnessed within myself.

Then come to see all that as something for others, because I know it's not for me, not anymore, anyway.  That was a hard one to take, missing those that take still, it was a bitter pill, to know, but then there's the natural solutions, the mushrooms, the frog poisons, the things that tribal folks have taken for eons safely, or at least taken in such a way respectfully that they see each attempt to contact 'the other' as a serious affair.

We take drugs recreationally as something to enjoy at the weekends, in the summer especially, at festivals they're doing a lot of lsd, and other things, that seemed to work for me most recently, i saw space as having more dimensions, as though sliced into regions of time, pieces of a pie, but also had a balancing feeling of having a vicious beast upon my back, the setting being cold and shivering in a sleeping sack in a clammy tent.

So on the whole there are these questions, i know i'm better off not doing those things, the chemicals i had quit already, that give you a temporary high and pain relief only to leave you weak and desperately miserable especially on the aptly named suicide tuesday when the come down from on high is at its worst, so i stopped and I know the founder of the Hare Krishna movement said all drug experiences are hallucinations i agree.

The thing is that I've had hallucinations, of thought, whole fantasies made real inside my head, of being abducted because i'm some kind of magical wizard whose organs are desired by unknown dangerous foes, of sight when I saw the lights on at a local landmark and then they are off, a light flashing in the dark in the hedge, it can't be there, but it was, hearing things that aren't there too, or my hearing suddenly amplified.

So if we can't trust our senses then what can we trust, that brings you to your knees, but also to a certain acceptance that this place is maleable, by us, i chose to see something once and i saw it, replacing the world around with a blank canvas onto which was projected something from a movie, i saw it clear as day, in the day, I chose to see a black background with green writing on it, i chose what to play, what to see, consume.

Eating good food, drinking only water, getting good sleep, these are the things that my gypsy healer woman told me in the forty degree heat of the saturday night of a dance music festival in Hungary two summer ago and I didn't listen at first, because I don't, I always seem to think I know best, now I know that I know nothing, that I must start over, from scratch, draw inwards, breath, meditate, get to know myself once more.

For the first time, remember what i used to know, about breathing techniques that seemed to come to me, remember what I used to know about working with energy that seemed to come naturally as a child, go back to go forward, forget all the things that have happened, work on the things I always meant to, go out, learn wild nature, be wild nature, live there, sleep there, eat there, drink there, become the wild man tamed again.