So today I have been mostly finishing the hedge that the estate started on the lane side of our bottom garden. All I had to do was cut down the remaining growth from the last year or two and tidy up. Apart from that I also took the Willow down, a couple of years growth there, cutting it back into a box shape for Dad as per his request, to make it look tidy again and follow the line and shape that he desired. I have kept the willow shoots, the straight growth of the last year or two because I'm interested in weaving with it, learning how to first, possibly going to give some of it away to a local college called Ruskin Mill that do great work, I've been going to their farm shop recently and buying their produce for my vegetable dishes at home.
They use the willow they grow and materials harvested from nature like dogwood and others to create beautifully coloured hand woven baskets and things, and the pupils of the college get to learn how in the process, they do good work because the students are from all sorts of backgrounds and go there to do art, practical skills with their hands, work in the garden at the actual Mill site just outside Nailsworth and the cafe.
Anyway getting sidetracked as usual, I was thinking while I was doing the gardening about learning to do things off by heart, I feel a great deal of fear and anxiety when doing something new, for the first time, or for the first time in a long time, is it ok, up to the standard they require, am I doing well, am i capable? Anxiety I said at one point is the feeling of fear associated with something that hasn't happened yet, it's guessing about the future and assigning all sorts of possible outcomes and worrying about those rather than being in the moment. Like rehearsing conversations, before they occur, on the way to a job interview, a date, whatever.
So when we learn something off by heart, it comes from the heart? It comes more naturally, like riding a bike? Walking, talking, eating, I used to be shy about eating in public, at secondary school there was a lot of pressure on us from those ages, much more than at primary school which was more about country dancing and less about exams, I'm sure the kids of today in many ways suffer from these extra levels of anxiety, and it shows in the reported figures, of cases of kids, complaining of all sorts of things and attending casualty because of it, from bullying, cyber bullying, stresses about social media, their peers, so many sources of pain.
It must be hard, I don't think I would like to be a child in this climate, where schools and so many other things have targets placed upon them in an attempt to better standards, actually all you do is make sure that people do their best to show their best side, create a picture of what high standards looks like, ensure that the weakest students are sanctioned for bad behaviour and passed on to another school, you move the problem to another location, you create a more divided society where the 'Good Schools' are the only ones that can get the good teachers, it's all about what it looks like from the outside, for appearances sake.
All these tests and things, s.a.t.'s from the united states, all sorts of things coming over from there, from the i.t. industry and technologies that are meant to help society progress, just another way of dividing people, lines of folks in the gyms on treadmills, identical kit worn, monitors on their wrists, tech tells you when you're fit, you don't need to feel your own body, know your own state of health from the inside out, the tech is on the outside looking in, I love the fact that old style things are coming back, from vinyl record sales going back to levels not seen in 25 years, to the reintroduction of film for cameras, real 35mm film stock to take pictures.
In a way all the robots that are coming out to do our chores, the robovacuum cleaners, the stylised retro look gadgets that are from our future but actually seem to fill the gaps in what we believe our lives would be in the fifties, i wasn't around then but we thought we'd be eating our dinner as a pill and living on the moon by now.
Instead we're living in a world as dangerous as the period in the 80's when the cold war heated up a little bit again for the first time since the most dangerous period in the 60's when we thought Russia and the U.S. were going to go toe to toe and launch missiles, kids in school learning how to duck and cover, get under their desks, this mini ice age in relations between the east and west a bit of a weird situation when the people who live in most countries wanting peace only their governments, their leaders looking to war, to conquer, the travel situation allowing so many to go the world over, experience life elsewhere, see how the other half lives, we're mixing with each other, soon the average person will be a shade of brown, and what a good thing.
When we've connected back up together, the tower of babel will have fallen once more, we'll all talk at least one shared language, consider ourselves world citizens as many do today, whatever their so called nationality and things like war will be forgotten because why would we want to hurt another person like us? A waste.
So how was I off by a mile? The title would suggest I had a clue where this was going, not really, just ranting a little bit, seeing what comes out when my fingers do the talking, Got a lot done today, recognising the cognitive deficit though, in learning new things, although it's only taken me twelve years to work out ratchet straps i've finally got there, well nearly, I can remember episodes of star trek as though I saw them yesterday as for any room in my head for new things, perhaps that's an issue I can sight as one I can call hereditary.
Some saw the heart has brain cells, and the gut, so we aren't far wrong when we say about gut instinct or the heart knows what the heart wants, it sends signals to the brain, more so than the brain sends to the heart. The heart has an intelligence, when we center ourself there, when we speak from the heart things work out.
I tend to feel as though there is much more going on than we are told, that schools and media, papers and television keep us talking about the lowest common denominators, keep us in an old paradigm, hold us back with hours of rhetoric, talking about what might happen, endless wasted hours of a reality that never existed, so many what ifs that are forgotten by the next day, the next hour, the next minute like so much fish and chip wrapping, yesterdays newspapers, which were already out of date, telling us yesterdays news, not todays.
Well, I've done my bit today, ignored the temptation to stay in bed and doze, although I value my sleep more than I ever did, my dreams especially, working on becoming more aware, of my senses during the day, so that when my dreams come around, i carry those behaviours into the dream world, where anything is possible, where meditation is of a very deep level and highly spiritual, where healing can occur, where nightmares can be faced and lessons learnt, where we can fly at will, visit deceased relations, live out our dreams and take that fearlessness back with us into the waking world, and realise the difference is only in our beliefs, only in the fact that we feel as though we are awake now, and asleep at night, to become awake at all times, allows one to get a better quality of rest, feel much more refreshed, energised, work things out.
That's the idea, I'm still putting in the ground work, I haven't flown in a while, but I'm meeting old friends, aspects of myself, young, brown skinned, lots of real world locations, real world events, coming into my dreams, they used to say that they were there to allow us to add them to our memories, to work through our daily lives and reorganise, file the folders, balance our checkbooks, but actually I have found that the more my dreams reflect my waking world, the more it means I am becoming concious that I am dreaming both up.
That's the idea of dream yoga, to become aware, to be the dreamer and the dream, to be able to die aware, enter the bardo state between lives, choose to face the scary realisations that abound within that awareness, to learn from the lessons we have experienced in this life, and take them into the next, actually awaken more.
It's all a lot to take in, so much more to learn, to be less attached, but no less connected, no less compassionate, no less empathetic, i'm more emotional, more open, sensing more, accepting more.
Saturday, 28 January 2017
Friday, 27 January 2017
She Wolf
I used to howl at the moon and my howl is reminiscent of a coyote not a wolf as it goes but hey it was fun to howl, whenever i felt like it, not just at the moon, ow ow owwwoooooooooo. The she wolf, coyote, vixen was after me and hunting me down, this time last year, I had walked in all the other cardinal directions east, west, south and this time it was north, into fields to run away, to someone's doorstep but shyness kept me from ringing the bell so I continued on in my search for a safe place, these days were filled with thoughts around the idea that it was my last day on earth, every day was, so I thought 'a hottub' 'I've never been submerged in a hottub, if this is my last day alive I ought to see what it's like'. I ran muddied to the hill climbing down the road sides, thoughts of terrors lurking as i descended into the bowels, she was still
hunting me down, seen like a flash in the dark night, I heard what sounded like a friend calling me but
in reality it was an owl, or a fox crying out, I saw her in front of me and screamed a fierce growling
guttural and deep and even though those days were filled with thoughts of spirits and allies, foes I
held my own and it seemed to do the trick, she was afraid of the animal in me that came forth so
I had a respite for at least a little while, and then oh I felt her come from behind me entering and
finding a haven inside, caught and taken hostage, wandering listlessly all the fantasies entwined
all the things I've learnt, read about spirit, spirituality, coming together in my mind, paralysed
by fear as the morning came around finally the early light as i made my home again pausing
seeing the vision of someone in a historic house, they stood, then clutched at themselves
and then seemed to fall as though collapsing from a sudden illness, and I was terrified
feeling as though the spirit of some kind of evil had taken residence inside my chest
making my way home, fearing the worst, as usual unable to go and see or find out
the truth because I couldn't trust what I was seeing, experiencing, real, imagined?
Finding smiles on my face when things in the media weren't happy news, those
fears made manifest, tracks all over the area in every direction, mirror mazes
made to confuse the hunters, the whoever would likely be on my trail and
more confusion between periods of lucidity, actions taken or not would
lead to the same result, do this, no sir! I will not, the end will be the
same whatever you do. Lights n the sky, stars when squinting are
going nova, all the stars are going to go out, familiar information
becomes rare, the sun sets in the opposite direction and all of
this another sign of what was set into motion when i was god
delusions of grandeur and delusions of crimes i never did do
a blue light flashing on my laptop because i unplugged mains
the battery attempting to recharge, journeys small and large.
Conclusions are that I should be wary of what i considered
in the past to be anything other than lies inside my mind and
water under the bridge, making sure i know who i am again
because this is similar to an end of life drama, a rebirth into
truth, i see all sorts of things from another perspective and
like the report card from a teacher, like the life review said
to occur when death takes the living on, out, off, in, over.
I see the lies and the facts and they are blurred, tested on
what i would do in certain situations and what i would not
knowing for the last time that i would have to change and
take an about face, face myself, not one last pint and a
packet of crisps and a cigarette, smells i smelled were
not really there, things i saw, visions of the past or the
future I can't tell, I may never know the fugue state
again, I wish to put it behind me and further my
more recent attempts to live clean and free
I question the things I saw as a youngster
what some might call psychic visions or
more reliably incredible sights only to
be known when touched and felt so
again i don't know what the truth
is there, fading over time this
smirking evil, my shadow?
Balancing out the real me
areas of myself as yet
denied, deep parts
we all fear and
say don't even
exist because
we're human
now not an
animal but
we are an
animal
too
.
That was then and this is now, since 2012 revelations came thick and fast, the truth should be uncovered world wide, spiritual folk say we're heading into a higher dimension, the fourth, the fifth from the third and if you decide not to be involved you'll be left behind, sounds and always sounded like a rubbish deal for others, that's why, when I was offered, when i was heading to a portal in the sky, a whirlpool, a plughole up there, my navel held me back, my body could not go, only the other part, the energy, spirit, soul, whatever you wish to name it, I said no, I'd rather go with friends when they are ready, perhaps that was a bad choice, would I have died there and then to make it possible, I don't think so, my body likes breathing and sleeping too much, all this new age stuff, reiki, faith healing, spirits, ghosts I've met, coming back to all the time I've seen things, now untrusted as if they were just hallucinations, did I see what I thought i saw in those days?
At the top of the hill near mine, my friend and I at different times saw the same thing, like a deer, coming towards us, but at the last minute, disappearing, because it was really a ghost, the fellow seen in the woods, in period clothing in the orchard, the communication received by a friend, who spoke for this person then, told me what their name was, that they were here to watch over me, in protection, now going onwards.
The point is, are those of us who are sensitive and have always been, coming back to themselves, coming to realise how much they tried to numb themselves rather than opening to their sensitivity, learning to cope with taking in more information, feeling more, sensing more, with the energies of others, carrying things that aren't our own, aches and pains, emotions, told that last night, I carry others' ails, I've wondered as much before.
So are those of us, eating well, feeling like we ought to not take part in the wholesale destruction of the planet, wishing to learn more about what we put inside our bodies, heal from years of mistreatment of them, those on the narrow path, is it straight, told i'm on the right path, keep going, find time to be alone and open, told we need to ask for help for it to be received, worries inside that it's a shell game, someones idea of fun.
What do spiritual people do in the face of years, millennia even of confusion, were our ancestors cannibals, were they animistic, is shamanism a good thing, are the spirits good, are they our ancestors in spirit and what will come of this planet, i seek the basis of all of these questions, i have to go back, within though and hope it is for a good reason, for others first and me, that I can progress along this path and decide and do good.
Even when it comes to food, they ate flesh, hunted it, were a part of nature, helped natural selection onwards so that the weak and old were consumed to keep the population strong and healthy, knowing the herbs to eat, the plants to harvest, how to process them, to gain nourishment at any time of the year, our dreams fed by these living sources of energy, who had lead a good life, a natural lifecycle, so that our dreams ended well.
I need to live this lesson, get the answers for myself, face the fact that most will only eat something from a box, won't touch the lovingly foraged things I spend my time collecting carefully, I've been too extreme for them to trust me, my experiences, have taught me much about fear, the real and the imagined, and it's up to me now that I've removed all sorts of influences from my mind, my body being my mind, my energy too.
Going from being a lazy good for nothing so and so, to sewing the seeds of a future I can be proud of, spending all my time stoned out of my mind and off at some party leaking money like it's going out of fashion to having money in the back, savings, no tobacco, no cannabis, no junk food, no factory farmed products, ok a few exceptions, a few slips, starting out black and white and turning grey, letting a few things slide.
Having to be harder on myself because I saw the impact on others, that woke me up more than anything, I can do whatever i like to me, but once its affecting others, that's not on, now that I see how much and when, looking back to go over the ways I ignored things happening around me, from this viewpoint that wasn't true, last years it was like being bugged at home, by who knows what, from where, spirits, investigators, close by.
Like being interrorgated (and I wont change it), I hold to the idea that if I can heal this in me, and believe it, I've seen it in others, they've been through worse than I, I stayed out of the system, they've been locked up, sectioned, worse, some aren't here any longer, I contend that if I can heal from this, in the way that others have, I'll be in a place capable of being an example, facing challenges harder than any i've met so far yes.
But if what I've been told is true and I can hang in there, with all that is going on around me and in the world, I should be able to help others, I'm doing a little more, filling my time with healthy options, activities, off out in a while for a rare chance to spend some time being entertained, socialising, that's good too I guess, it's been strange to find myself getting better at some things, naturally just chatting, involving myself more with people.
hunting me down, seen like a flash in the dark night, I heard what sounded like a friend calling me but
in reality it was an owl, or a fox crying out, I saw her in front of me and screamed a fierce growling
guttural and deep and even though those days were filled with thoughts of spirits and allies, foes I
held my own and it seemed to do the trick, she was afraid of the animal in me that came forth so
I had a respite for at least a little while, and then oh I felt her come from behind me entering and
finding a haven inside, caught and taken hostage, wandering listlessly all the fantasies entwined
all the things I've learnt, read about spirit, spirituality, coming together in my mind, paralysed
by fear as the morning came around finally the early light as i made my home again pausing
seeing the vision of someone in a historic house, they stood, then clutched at themselves
and then seemed to fall as though collapsing from a sudden illness, and I was terrified
feeling as though the spirit of some kind of evil had taken residence inside my chest
making my way home, fearing the worst, as usual unable to go and see or find out
the truth because I couldn't trust what I was seeing, experiencing, real, imagined?
Finding smiles on my face when things in the media weren't happy news, those
fears made manifest, tracks all over the area in every direction, mirror mazes
made to confuse the hunters, the whoever would likely be on my trail and
more confusion between periods of lucidity, actions taken or not would
lead to the same result, do this, no sir! I will not, the end will be the
same whatever you do. Lights n the sky, stars when squinting are
going nova, all the stars are going to go out, familiar information
becomes rare, the sun sets in the opposite direction and all of
this another sign of what was set into motion when i was god
delusions of grandeur and delusions of crimes i never did do
a blue light flashing on my laptop because i unplugged mains
the battery attempting to recharge, journeys small and large.
Conclusions are that I should be wary of what i considered
in the past to be anything other than lies inside my mind and
water under the bridge, making sure i know who i am again
because this is similar to an end of life drama, a rebirth into
truth, i see all sorts of things from another perspective and
like the report card from a teacher, like the life review said
to occur when death takes the living on, out, off, in, over.
I see the lies and the facts and they are blurred, tested on
what i would do in certain situations and what i would not
knowing for the last time that i would have to change and
take an about face, face myself, not one last pint and a
packet of crisps and a cigarette, smells i smelled were
not really there, things i saw, visions of the past or the
future I can't tell, I may never know the fugue state
again, I wish to put it behind me and further my
more recent attempts to live clean and free
I question the things I saw as a youngster
what some might call psychic visions or
more reliably incredible sights only to
be known when touched and felt so
again i don't know what the truth
is there, fading over time this
smirking evil, my shadow?
Balancing out the real me
areas of myself as yet
denied, deep parts
we all fear and
say don't even
exist because
we're human
now not an
animal but
we are an
animal
too
.
That was then and this is now, since 2012 revelations came thick and fast, the truth should be uncovered world wide, spiritual folk say we're heading into a higher dimension, the fourth, the fifth from the third and if you decide not to be involved you'll be left behind, sounds and always sounded like a rubbish deal for others, that's why, when I was offered, when i was heading to a portal in the sky, a whirlpool, a plughole up there, my navel held me back, my body could not go, only the other part, the energy, spirit, soul, whatever you wish to name it, I said no, I'd rather go with friends when they are ready, perhaps that was a bad choice, would I have died there and then to make it possible, I don't think so, my body likes breathing and sleeping too much, all this new age stuff, reiki, faith healing, spirits, ghosts I've met, coming back to all the time I've seen things, now untrusted as if they were just hallucinations, did I see what I thought i saw in those days?
At the top of the hill near mine, my friend and I at different times saw the same thing, like a deer, coming towards us, but at the last minute, disappearing, because it was really a ghost, the fellow seen in the woods, in period clothing in the orchard, the communication received by a friend, who spoke for this person then, told me what their name was, that they were here to watch over me, in protection, now going onwards.
The point is, are those of us who are sensitive and have always been, coming back to themselves, coming to realise how much they tried to numb themselves rather than opening to their sensitivity, learning to cope with taking in more information, feeling more, sensing more, with the energies of others, carrying things that aren't our own, aches and pains, emotions, told that last night, I carry others' ails, I've wondered as much before.
So are those of us, eating well, feeling like we ought to not take part in the wholesale destruction of the planet, wishing to learn more about what we put inside our bodies, heal from years of mistreatment of them, those on the narrow path, is it straight, told i'm on the right path, keep going, find time to be alone and open, told we need to ask for help for it to be received, worries inside that it's a shell game, someones idea of fun.
What do spiritual people do in the face of years, millennia even of confusion, were our ancestors cannibals, were they animistic, is shamanism a good thing, are the spirits good, are they our ancestors in spirit and what will come of this planet, i seek the basis of all of these questions, i have to go back, within though and hope it is for a good reason, for others first and me, that I can progress along this path and decide and do good.
Even when it comes to food, they ate flesh, hunted it, were a part of nature, helped natural selection onwards so that the weak and old were consumed to keep the population strong and healthy, knowing the herbs to eat, the plants to harvest, how to process them, to gain nourishment at any time of the year, our dreams fed by these living sources of energy, who had lead a good life, a natural lifecycle, so that our dreams ended well.
I need to live this lesson, get the answers for myself, face the fact that most will only eat something from a box, won't touch the lovingly foraged things I spend my time collecting carefully, I've been too extreme for them to trust me, my experiences, have taught me much about fear, the real and the imagined, and it's up to me now that I've removed all sorts of influences from my mind, my body being my mind, my energy too.
Going from being a lazy good for nothing so and so, to sewing the seeds of a future I can be proud of, spending all my time stoned out of my mind and off at some party leaking money like it's going out of fashion to having money in the back, savings, no tobacco, no cannabis, no junk food, no factory farmed products, ok a few exceptions, a few slips, starting out black and white and turning grey, letting a few things slide.
Having to be harder on myself because I saw the impact on others, that woke me up more than anything, I can do whatever i like to me, but once its affecting others, that's not on, now that I see how much and when, looking back to go over the ways I ignored things happening around me, from this viewpoint that wasn't true, last years it was like being bugged at home, by who knows what, from where, spirits, investigators, close by.
Like being interrorgated (and I wont change it), I hold to the idea that if I can heal this in me, and believe it, I've seen it in others, they've been through worse than I, I stayed out of the system, they've been locked up, sectioned, worse, some aren't here any longer, I contend that if I can heal from this, in the way that others have, I'll be in a place capable of being an example, facing challenges harder than any i've met so far yes.
But if what I've been told is true and I can hang in there, with all that is going on around me and in the world, I should be able to help others, I'm doing a little more, filling my time with healthy options, activities, off out in a while for a rare chance to spend some time being entertained, socialising, that's good too I guess, it's been strange to find myself getting better at some things, naturally just chatting, involving myself more with people.
Monday, 23 January 2017
Normal Blog Entry
So I've settled into a routine where I work in the week and then friday afternoon or saturday morning i go and by a fancy loaf of spelt bread and vegetables to make my own food with for the week. It isn't easy though or it wasn't at first to be the only one in the house who doesn't eat factory farmed meat, food products and such, sugar, dairy products, anything coming from the use of animals in slavery that is.
That sounds a little extreme because we've been doing these things for a while, farming I mean, but it's become an industry not a career, robot milking parlours, i used to work in the National Milk Records offices at Chippenham, which was before that part of the Milk Marketing Board so I know a little about this stuff, worked at an abbatoir for a little while, enough to hear the pigs cry out in fear as they arrived to be killed.
For me these things are easy when you consider that animals live free and wild naturally, it's only humans that consume milk after having been weaned, i may have mentioned this before, but hey whose to say i'm right in this respect? Basically the vegan attitude is animal products are bad for the animals and therefore we are contributing to their suffering by purchasing products that mean an animal will have suffered or been used.
I see the sheep in the field and I wonder are they happy or just content with their lot in life, they are protected from the predators that no longer exist in their environment, apart from foxes and birds that will attack a young lamb up until it can fend for itself, but that's natural selection, it takes the weak and the lame out of the picture to save them from suffering further, we now no longer live with natural selection anymore.
Those who need glasses would have stumbled into the path of something that wanted to eat us, those with cancer live on to pass on their cancer genes to their offspring, although cancer is in many respects a disease that thrives on our lifestyles, has increased fifty fold, from 1 in 50 affected to one in three in our lifetimes I seem to think the stress of modern life, but then weren't they stressed in the war or had little to eat before?
So the modern world creates a lot of problems for later generations, am I saying we oughtn't not treat and cure or at least put off the death of the cancer stricken until a later date? Not really, progress it's called and it really is, like I say we are all living in a world more toxic, more diseases in the environment, the trees, the frogs, the birds, generally most things are sicker than they used to be, and only more dangers every day.
It's a strange thing to be alive, to feel the fear of death, to notice my thought when others are ill, to realise that I worry about them, about myself, how will I cope in the future, I have no family of my own, I didn't face my fears in the past of being with someone so I created this situation, I was thinking about destiny, how whatever happens is what was meant to be, because around us wraps this reality, our future truncated by our present.
The lines that stretch away from us, I've said this before too, we face an uncertain future with many roads and many paths and many possible outcomes all available to us depending on our choices, our subconcious knows what we will choose for tea before we do, we even act on things already decided, as though we are living in a cognitive deficit, a time traveller catching up with the moments to come having journeyed back.
We will live the life we choose, will fill out the bubble of time and space that expands when we move in one direction or the other, fitting together with the choices of everyone else, if you believe they are not you in the first place, connected as we are in this so called illusion of separation, able to be an individual for this life and revel in the feeling of being one alone inside this body created out of matter but I've gone off on a tangent.
My journey from eating whatever i was given to providing my own rations and loving it, my trip to find myself in better health although more aware of my own faults and failings because of it, this feeling of needing to heal body which is the mind, mind which is the body, soul and spirit, spirit the thing that moves my body and soul being the feeling of connecting to a higher source of information, as though I were a sky scraper cloudward.
I wrote out an exercise from a book about psychic development where you see who you as residing on the ground floor of that building, you notice the basement is locked with no key, that's out of bounds and needs no exploration, all we need to do is notice that this place has unlimited floors reaching infinitely up into space reaching for the heavens and we are learning to inhabit the lower floors and up and up and so it goes along.
I wonder and worry about a time last year when i did what my mind said i ought, i don't remember it all, that's the pickle, I've had this feeling over the years, of fears as thoughts, seemingly not mine, or at least from a scared part of me I would call the devil if I knew another name I would speak it, don't go there, you'll lose your head, your heart, parties, get togethers, spiritual church, more recently other things, almost everything.
I would think something and there's this don't, don't, don't like a deep unwillingness, a level of uncertainty or certainty of a negative outcome, often I've ignored those thoughts and gone out into the world, rarely to regret the outcome of a social situation, but it's the things I've lost, memories, possessions even, that i treasured, things that I seemed to have that I can't say how I came by them, apports I received from where?
This is going back a few years to when I got things under my pillow, I said they were from the truth fairy, I woke up during the time that I spent winters and summers in the caravan, a piece of blue mineral vaguely heart shaped, a perfect round clay sphere, apparently a roman marble, I gave them both away to those i saw as my spiritual brother and sister and I don't regret that, but I'm keeping good habits and facing up to it all.
I don't want to be told that I've been somewhere when I don't remember having been there at all, that I drove there, this is a few years ago, during the time I was doing drugs at clubs and then going back to places to spend the weekend, lacking sleep because I struggle in a strange place, that scared me a lot so it creates a situation where you doubt things, yourself, things seem to have been misplaced, was that me? You distrust.
Others especially, you doubt your own eyes, ears, senses all, I'm trying to get to a point that this is for a good reason, doing the healing course is something I was hoping to, I've been turned around because things could not get any worse, I like to put that whole period in the light of having been a wake up call, I have to make what could have been worse better, I have to make sure it was worth it, that I make it all worth while for all.
I did energy healing for the group i run tonight, I focussed my attention, i attuned by saying my prayer internally, i see different traditions in the world, I wonder which are good, which evil, are any good whole heartedly any evil, are they a mixture of things, good turned bad, bad turned good, mysteries to be discovered, secret societies behind closed doors, is there one truth behind all, who created this place?
Are those of us who wish to find out the mad and inept and dangerously daring or the bravest and most caring? Am I leading other astray by sharing what I find out, what comes to me, all this time on my journey i've experienced all sorts of incredible things, balanced myself out, thought that some of the times when I was on a cocktail of drink and drugs were the most profound spiritual truths i've ever witnessed within myself.
Then come to see all that as something for others, because I know it's not for me, not anymore, anyway. That was a hard one to take, missing those that take still, it was a bitter pill, to know, but then there's the natural solutions, the mushrooms, the frog poisons, the things that tribal folks have taken for eons safely, or at least taken in such a way respectfully that they see each attempt to contact 'the other' as a serious affair.
We take drugs recreationally as something to enjoy at the weekends, in the summer especially, at festivals they're doing a lot of lsd, and other things, that seemed to work for me most recently, i saw space as having more dimensions, as though sliced into regions of time, pieces of a pie, but also had a balancing feeling of having a vicious beast upon my back, the setting being cold and shivering in a sleeping sack in a clammy tent.
So on the whole there are these questions, i know i'm better off not doing those things, the chemicals i had quit already, that give you a temporary high and pain relief only to leave you weak and desperately miserable especially on the aptly named suicide tuesday when the come down from on high is at its worst, so i stopped and I know the founder of the Hare Krishna movement said all drug experiences are hallucinations i agree.
The thing is that I've had hallucinations, of thought, whole fantasies made real inside my head, of being abducted because i'm some kind of magical wizard whose organs are desired by unknown dangerous foes, of sight when I saw the lights on at a local landmark and then they are off, a light flashing in the dark in the hedge, it can't be there, but it was, hearing things that aren't there too, or my hearing suddenly amplified.
So if we can't trust our senses then what can we trust, that brings you to your knees, but also to a certain acceptance that this place is maleable, by us, i chose to see something once and i saw it, replacing the world around with a blank canvas onto which was projected something from a movie, i saw it clear as day, in the day, I chose to see a black background with green writing on it, i chose what to play, what to see, consume.
Eating good food, drinking only water, getting good sleep, these are the things that my gypsy healer woman told me in the forty degree heat of the saturday night of a dance music festival in Hungary two summer ago and I didn't listen at first, because I don't, I always seem to think I know best, now I know that I know nothing, that I must start over, from scratch, draw inwards, breath, meditate, get to know myself once more.
For the first time, remember what i used to know, about breathing techniques that seemed to come to me, remember what I used to know about working with energy that seemed to come naturally as a child, go back to go forward, forget all the things that have happened, work on the things I always meant to, go out, learn wild nature, be wild nature, live there, sleep there, eat there, drink there, become the wild man tamed again.
That sounds a little extreme because we've been doing these things for a while, farming I mean, but it's become an industry not a career, robot milking parlours, i used to work in the National Milk Records offices at Chippenham, which was before that part of the Milk Marketing Board so I know a little about this stuff, worked at an abbatoir for a little while, enough to hear the pigs cry out in fear as they arrived to be killed.
For me these things are easy when you consider that animals live free and wild naturally, it's only humans that consume milk after having been weaned, i may have mentioned this before, but hey whose to say i'm right in this respect? Basically the vegan attitude is animal products are bad for the animals and therefore we are contributing to their suffering by purchasing products that mean an animal will have suffered or been used.
I see the sheep in the field and I wonder are they happy or just content with their lot in life, they are protected from the predators that no longer exist in their environment, apart from foxes and birds that will attack a young lamb up until it can fend for itself, but that's natural selection, it takes the weak and the lame out of the picture to save them from suffering further, we now no longer live with natural selection anymore.
Those who need glasses would have stumbled into the path of something that wanted to eat us, those with cancer live on to pass on their cancer genes to their offspring, although cancer is in many respects a disease that thrives on our lifestyles, has increased fifty fold, from 1 in 50 affected to one in three in our lifetimes I seem to think the stress of modern life, but then weren't they stressed in the war or had little to eat before?
So the modern world creates a lot of problems for later generations, am I saying we oughtn't not treat and cure or at least put off the death of the cancer stricken until a later date? Not really, progress it's called and it really is, like I say we are all living in a world more toxic, more diseases in the environment, the trees, the frogs, the birds, generally most things are sicker than they used to be, and only more dangers every day.
It's a strange thing to be alive, to feel the fear of death, to notice my thought when others are ill, to realise that I worry about them, about myself, how will I cope in the future, I have no family of my own, I didn't face my fears in the past of being with someone so I created this situation, I was thinking about destiny, how whatever happens is what was meant to be, because around us wraps this reality, our future truncated by our present.
The lines that stretch away from us, I've said this before too, we face an uncertain future with many roads and many paths and many possible outcomes all available to us depending on our choices, our subconcious knows what we will choose for tea before we do, we even act on things already decided, as though we are living in a cognitive deficit, a time traveller catching up with the moments to come having journeyed back.
We will live the life we choose, will fill out the bubble of time and space that expands when we move in one direction or the other, fitting together with the choices of everyone else, if you believe they are not you in the first place, connected as we are in this so called illusion of separation, able to be an individual for this life and revel in the feeling of being one alone inside this body created out of matter but I've gone off on a tangent.
My journey from eating whatever i was given to providing my own rations and loving it, my trip to find myself in better health although more aware of my own faults and failings because of it, this feeling of needing to heal body which is the mind, mind which is the body, soul and spirit, spirit the thing that moves my body and soul being the feeling of connecting to a higher source of information, as though I were a sky scraper cloudward.
I wrote out an exercise from a book about psychic development where you see who you as residing on the ground floor of that building, you notice the basement is locked with no key, that's out of bounds and needs no exploration, all we need to do is notice that this place has unlimited floors reaching infinitely up into space reaching for the heavens and we are learning to inhabit the lower floors and up and up and so it goes along.
I wonder and worry about a time last year when i did what my mind said i ought, i don't remember it all, that's the pickle, I've had this feeling over the years, of fears as thoughts, seemingly not mine, or at least from a scared part of me I would call the devil if I knew another name I would speak it, don't go there, you'll lose your head, your heart, parties, get togethers, spiritual church, more recently other things, almost everything.
I would think something and there's this don't, don't, don't like a deep unwillingness, a level of uncertainty or certainty of a negative outcome, often I've ignored those thoughts and gone out into the world, rarely to regret the outcome of a social situation, but it's the things I've lost, memories, possessions even, that i treasured, things that I seemed to have that I can't say how I came by them, apports I received from where?
This is going back a few years to when I got things under my pillow, I said they were from the truth fairy, I woke up during the time that I spent winters and summers in the caravan, a piece of blue mineral vaguely heart shaped, a perfect round clay sphere, apparently a roman marble, I gave them both away to those i saw as my spiritual brother and sister and I don't regret that, but I'm keeping good habits and facing up to it all.
I don't want to be told that I've been somewhere when I don't remember having been there at all, that I drove there, this is a few years ago, during the time I was doing drugs at clubs and then going back to places to spend the weekend, lacking sleep because I struggle in a strange place, that scared me a lot so it creates a situation where you doubt things, yourself, things seem to have been misplaced, was that me? You distrust.
Others especially, you doubt your own eyes, ears, senses all, I'm trying to get to a point that this is for a good reason, doing the healing course is something I was hoping to, I've been turned around because things could not get any worse, I like to put that whole period in the light of having been a wake up call, I have to make what could have been worse better, I have to make sure it was worth it, that I make it all worth while for all.
I did energy healing for the group i run tonight, I focussed my attention, i attuned by saying my prayer internally, i see different traditions in the world, I wonder which are good, which evil, are any good whole heartedly any evil, are they a mixture of things, good turned bad, bad turned good, mysteries to be discovered, secret societies behind closed doors, is there one truth behind all, who created this place?
Are those of us who wish to find out the mad and inept and dangerously daring or the bravest and most caring? Am I leading other astray by sharing what I find out, what comes to me, all this time on my journey i've experienced all sorts of incredible things, balanced myself out, thought that some of the times when I was on a cocktail of drink and drugs were the most profound spiritual truths i've ever witnessed within myself.
Then come to see all that as something for others, because I know it's not for me, not anymore, anyway. That was a hard one to take, missing those that take still, it was a bitter pill, to know, but then there's the natural solutions, the mushrooms, the frog poisons, the things that tribal folks have taken for eons safely, or at least taken in such a way respectfully that they see each attempt to contact 'the other' as a serious affair.
We take drugs recreationally as something to enjoy at the weekends, in the summer especially, at festivals they're doing a lot of lsd, and other things, that seemed to work for me most recently, i saw space as having more dimensions, as though sliced into regions of time, pieces of a pie, but also had a balancing feeling of having a vicious beast upon my back, the setting being cold and shivering in a sleeping sack in a clammy tent.
So on the whole there are these questions, i know i'm better off not doing those things, the chemicals i had quit already, that give you a temporary high and pain relief only to leave you weak and desperately miserable especially on the aptly named suicide tuesday when the come down from on high is at its worst, so i stopped and I know the founder of the Hare Krishna movement said all drug experiences are hallucinations i agree.
The thing is that I've had hallucinations, of thought, whole fantasies made real inside my head, of being abducted because i'm some kind of magical wizard whose organs are desired by unknown dangerous foes, of sight when I saw the lights on at a local landmark and then they are off, a light flashing in the dark in the hedge, it can't be there, but it was, hearing things that aren't there too, or my hearing suddenly amplified.
So if we can't trust our senses then what can we trust, that brings you to your knees, but also to a certain acceptance that this place is maleable, by us, i chose to see something once and i saw it, replacing the world around with a blank canvas onto which was projected something from a movie, i saw it clear as day, in the day, I chose to see a black background with green writing on it, i chose what to play, what to see, consume.
Eating good food, drinking only water, getting good sleep, these are the things that my gypsy healer woman told me in the forty degree heat of the saturday night of a dance music festival in Hungary two summer ago and I didn't listen at first, because I don't, I always seem to think I know best, now I know that I know nothing, that I must start over, from scratch, draw inwards, breath, meditate, get to know myself once more.
For the first time, remember what i used to know, about breathing techniques that seemed to come to me, remember what I used to know about working with energy that seemed to come naturally as a child, go back to go forward, forget all the things that have happened, work on the things I always meant to, go out, learn wild nature, be wild nature, live there, sleep there, eat there, drink there, become the wild man tamed again.
Life in the breath
to train the mind all you need to do is remember earlier and earlier
what it is you were doing before it so rudely interrupted, so other
thoughts during a meditation, or an ear worm, interferes when you are
trying to concentrate on doing something or nothing and to find a calm
state, just bring your attention and awareness back to your breath,
breath slow and deep, finding that you can breath deeper than you
normally do or thought possible, in slowly, out slowly, find a little
pause between the in and out breaths, so now you're breathing in pause,
out pause, and focussing on that, you are calm, your mind being your
body, your body being your mind, so calmly accept your calm nature and
the nature of your calmer self now that all of you is in agreement that
you are calm 
:) + 
<3 and you can relax in any situation
:) + <3 and you can relax in any situation
Sunday, 22 January 2017
rolling with the punches
well i've heard of rolling with the punches
and i've heard of going with the flow
but i'm travelling from one to
another piss and was
wondering why
is this? Is it
Vitamin C
As I know
it can be a dire
sorry it's a diuretic
that was so pathetic
but it's come to this you
see lot's of physical issues
between me and me and thee
i have to say I was better in some
ways when I was just cruising idly down
the river unaware of most everything except
myself and there's the rub i'm taking it all in again
still communicating getting a bloody nose from a scratch
a thorn in the woods being dragged backwards by the dog
through a copse until i manage to get the little devil to come back
i can't blame the little pup i love to go exploring in woods deep and far
it's just that on the end of a lead he's taking me in every direction at once
tied to a tree, wrapped around the trunk, so much more free and less in a funk
rhyming is fun but it isn't for everyone so let's just say i'm feeling good, eating well
like i used to say if you're going through hell, keep going, come out the other side.
and i've heard of going with the flow
but i'm travelling from one to
another piss and was
wondering why
is this? Is it
Vitamin C
As I know
it can be a dire
sorry it's a diuretic
that was so pathetic
but it's come to this you
see lot's of physical issues
between me and me and thee
i have to say I was better in some
ways when I was just cruising idly down
the river unaware of most everything except
myself and there's the rub i'm taking it all in again
still communicating getting a bloody nose from a scratch
a thorn in the woods being dragged backwards by the dog
through a copse until i manage to get the little devil to come back
i can't blame the little pup i love to go exploring in woods deep and far
it's just that on the end of a lead he's taking me in every direction at once
tied to a tree, wrapped around the trunk, so much more free and less in a funk
rhyming is fun but it isn't for everyone so let's just say i'm feeling good, eating well
like i used to say if you're going through hell, keep going, come out the other side.
Friday, 20 January 2017
things that have changed
i notice more
i experience more
i feel more
i see, smell, touch, taste and hear more
many of my dreams seem to reflect my day so in that way i will notice those that don't
working on becoming more aware in general, during the day, during the night
i don't sleep through anymore, often needing to relieve myself
i am awoken by others when they get up which is annoying
i must be a light sleeper, in the past i was deeply unconcious
i've been making better choices and am more accident prone
making up for lost time and more thoughtful
more aware of others and the differences between us
that's a bit annoying but it creates a contrast that i can work with
i can see the habits of the past that held me back
i can make changes and face the feeling that i ought not to
i can attempt to be a better person incrementally
the rivers of our minds iin the ocean of conciousness can take a turn away from oxbow lakes
those patterns of behaviour can be altered little by little or a lot like smashing our comfort zone
getting outside of our supposed limits by adventuring, or as a someone said holidaying in a room
basically looking at everything in a new light and wondering what they mean, how they feel, are
noticing how reluctant i am to do things for others, chores, breaking barriers in my own mind
wandering around in there, bringing my attention back to my breath making my life a meditation
always whenever it's a song someone else has sung, creating an ear worm, a parasite
bringing attention earlier and earlier back to the breath, the heart, lower than the head
away from thoughts, these things were hidden but no more, awaking a little disgruntled
because in my dreams i am someone else, i'm me obviously, usually i feel so anyway
but on waking i am the person with the history i have, thinking of others but no inclination to contact them
a lifelong or at least more recent habit, in the past life was happening without thinking, lots of drinking
lots of ways to just go with the flow of others, never any goals of my own, just lists of things i never did
until slowly i did them, first aid, self defence, always with the feeling that i had saved myself for those
for the times i learned them, the instances, the trainers, the ways i didn't learn anything from anyone else
i didn't learn things that i would later need to forget, unlearn, i only learned them when i needed them
this way i can see life as a line that isn't unbroken, or at least isn't a straight one, i knew things early
i knew things from the self defence course before i went there, and i did them, instinctively so
i knew lots of information about first aid, i went there unprepared to see what i knew
i went there and it came out in the training room, whatever i knew so i could find out what i needed to know
as if we travel with a connection to our future aswell as our past, let's not forget those jet fighter pilots
many experiments prove precognition, galvanic skin responses of participants watching a screen
they know physically before the next picture flashes up if it's going to be a scary or nice one
is the next picture of a spider or flowers? Their body knows and responds in kind
so there are proofs that we can know something is coming before occurence
anyway im off topic and trying to prove something by using examples
better to write and see what comes out, from the heart, automatically
automatic writing, nothing apparently, back to life with something in my eye today
a trip to the minor injury unit, orange dye in the eye, eye drops to put in there
an afternoon off to rest up and hope not to go to eye hospital and bought
tickets for a festival to see my favourite band for the first time ever!
a surprise for someone on their birthday my what a lovely idea
the sort of thing normal people do, i never did it before
or did i, wasn't i normal before, how twisted my fate?
how late to the party has this version of me been?
going from the other to one extreme again...
at least this way i'll live longer healthy
so many good habits, living for others
living well, sleeping so much more than
before really, some troubles getting off to
sleep sometimes, some old problems coming
back when i have something i'm worrying about
but that's good that i care, good to have those old
problems, just focussing on my tuesday, wednesday
thursday nights and working hard and eating so good
making myself a dish that gets thicker and tastier each
day and lasts all week full of vegetables and spices and
those fruits every morning and lunch and trying to care less
about all the fads and things on the internet that sound crazy
let my subconcious meet me in my dreams and answer things
get in touch with aspects and heal, remember my dreams write
them down and become aware that i'm dreaming, recover much
things i remember, song lyrics, songs coming to mind connections
thinking about old affections, course corrections, a new direction?
the surreal nature of nature, of living, of being able to ask these questions, of being on a rock in space
of having a face, seeing oneself clearly, seeing the root of my own problems, dealing with them again
the feeling low down inside that i've done all this before like a time traveller who just repeats what
happened in the past, having come here from the future, needing to make sure to do them in the
right order, because whatever you do is right, will create the future that always existed then
just make sure to treat others right, get on with it, don't fear the different fates, be willing
to make mistakes, told to lighten up not to be so hard on myself that this year will be
good, going to write to an inmate in a prison in the states, be positive, give hope
i experience more
i feel more
i see, smell, touch, taste and hear more
many of my dreams seem to reflect my day so in that way i will notice those that don't
working on becoming more aware in general, during the day, during the night
i don't sleep through anymore, often needing to relieve myself
i am awoken by others when they get up which is annoying
i must be a light sleeper, in the past i was deeply unconcious
i've been making better choices and am more accident prone
making up for lost time and more thoughtful
more aware of others and the differences between us
that's a bit annoying but it creates a contrast that i can work with
i can see the habits of the past that held me back
i can make changes and face the feeling that i ought not to
i can attempt to be a better person incrementally
the rivers of our minds iin the ocean of conciousness can take a turn away from oxbow lakes
those patterns of behaviour can be altered little by little or a lot like smashing our comfort zone
getting outside of our supposed limits by adventuring, or as a someone said holidaying in a room
basically looking at everything in a new light and wondering what they mean, how they feel, are
noticing how reluctant i am to do things for others, chores, breaking barriers in my own mind
wandering around in there, bringing my attention back to my breath making my life a meditation
always whenever it's a song someone else has sung, creating an ear worm, a parasite
bringing attention earlier and earlier back to the breath, the heart, lower than the head
away from thoughts, these things were hidden but no more, awaking a little disgruntled
because in my dreams i am someone else, i'm me obviously, usually i feel so anyway
but on waking i am the person with the history i have, thinking of others but no inclination to contact them
a lifelong or at least more recent habit, in the past life was happening without thinking, lots of drinking
lots of ways to just go with the flow of others, never any goals of my own, just lists of things i never did
until slowly i did them, first aid, self defence, always with the feeling that i had saved myself for those
for the times i learned them, the instances, the trainers, the ways i didn't learn anything from anyone else
i didn't learn things that i would later need to forget, unlearn, i only learned them when i needed them
this way i can see life as a line that isn't unbroken, or at least isn't a straight one, i knew things early
i knew things from the self defence course before i went there, and i did them, instinctively so
i knew lots of information about first aid, i went there unprepared to see what i knew
i went there and it came out in the training room, whatever i knew so i could find out what i needed to know
as if we travel with a connection to our future aswell as our past, let's not forget those jet fighter pilots
many experiments prove precognition, galvanic skin responses of participants watching a screen
they know physically before the next picture flashes up if it's going to be a scary or nice one
is the next picture of a spider or flowers? Their body knows and responds in kind
so there are proofs that we can know something is coming before occurence
anyway im off topic and trying to prove something by using examples
better to write and see what comes out, from the heart, automatically
automatic writing, nothing apparently, back to life with something in my eye today
a trip to the minor injury unit, orange dye in the eye, eye drops to put in there
an afternoon off to rest up and hope not to go to eye hospital and bought
tickets for a festival to see my favourite band for the first time ever!
a surprise for someone on their birthday my what a lovely idea
the sort of thing normal people do, i never did it before
or did i, wasn't i normal before, how twisted my fate?
how late to the party has this version of me been?
going from the other to one extreme again...
at least this way i'll live longer healthy
so many good habits, living for others
living well, sleeping so much more than
before really, some troubles getting off to
sleep sometimes, some old problems coming
back when i have something i'm worrying about
but that's good that i care, good to have those old
problems, just focussing on my tuesday, wednesday
thursday nights and working hard and eating so good
making myself a dish that gets thicker and tastier each
day and lasts all week full of vegetables and spices and
those fruits every morning and lunch and trying to care less
about all the fads and things on the internet that sound crazy
let my subconcious meet me in my dreams and answer things
get in touch with aspects and heal, remember my dreams write
them down and become aware that i'm dreaming, recover much
things i remember, song lyrics, songs coming to mind connections
thinking about old affections, course corrections, a new direction?
the surreal nature of nature, of living, of being able to ask these questions, of being on a rock in space
of having a face, seeing oneself clearly, seeing the root of my own problems, dealing with them again
the feeling low down inside that i've done all this before like a time traveller who just repeats what
happened in the past, having come here from the future, needing to make sure to do them in the
right order, because whatever you do is right, will create the future that always existed then
just make sure to treat others right, get on with it, don't fear the different fates, be willing
to make mistakes, told to lighten up not to be so hard on myself that this year will be
good, going to write to an inmate in a prison in the states, be positive, give hope
Saturday, 14 January 2017
underlying dying
we all die a little each day
one way or another they say
so living is a constant battle to
last a little longer or a little less.
I must confess I heard so many
things from inside my head and,
I chose to understand each one
to listen to the words i recieved
they were you will die if you go
on smoking within ten years so
i chose to stop that habit and
the others were easy to get
a handle on i noticed that
my blog gets many extra
views in one block on a
given day random so it
seems from wherever
i do not know why
it's a pretty bleak
source of info
more of a long
stream of leaks
from my mind to
be honest it's not
as depressing as it
seemed for so long
im smiling more and
carrying on with living
wondering just who it is
that keeps me going and
i admit it's others more and
more so i'm less sore and yes
for their sake as much as mine
im feeling better and better and
treating myself with more respect
eating more healthily facing addicts
conversations within my body listening
to what is going on feeling those pains in
the chest but moreover feeling wonderous
less ponderous and these little bursts of the
creative juices are quite natural so it seems to
me to be normal and functional and giving body
to my frame letting the practise of fitting words to
this shapely way of writing is exciting and makes me
work harder to use no words more than once and again
it's making less sense that these clicks from abroad are for
any sensible reason, more a case of some junk, some phishing
some daft internet scammers attempt to make someone revenue
rather than a fan of mine and a form of retinue but i digress merely
to explain my wonder at these so called readers of this blog that's so
murky all these thoughts it's been a long period of darkness being set on
fire, my internal self set alight, so i can see the most fraught corners and yes
i have to conclude they are not my most appreciative sections i wonder for the
thoughts that come if i don't accept that they are mine, let them go, reflect upon
them and just move on, assume they are the subconcious, the deepest waters of
the ocean of the mind, come from who knows where to sink and suffer dumping
by ships that sail across the surface, no more codes or tries to sound clever here
there's just me and all this that has been going on inside mostly dislike for myself
that isn't going on forever, hanging in there has become a decision to make plans
to do more for others than i can for me, i have a certain desire to fulfill for them.
Saving as I am every penny apart from dharma, apart from charity, apart from
predilection to good food and creating a balance inside and out, acting better
making the recreation of body mind and those others things like souls, spirits
well who knows about all that, saving myself for future trips to distant shore
and sea while inner journeying comes through dreams and contemplations
finding my world clearing up i must have saved all this on the back burner
never having been this straight for twenty years and flip flopping the last
several always going back to cannabis and ignorance which is not bliss
doubting the incredible feelings and experiences as products of minds
eyes that were blind and finding much more considerable things like
feeling good about others, being there, communicating more and
facing the roots and branches and trunk and forest floor, sky
the stars i don't see except for at the end of regular week
day tuesday to learn healing wednesday to learn taichi
thursday to go to church and see what i can see and
learn from mystics who call themselves clairvoyant
as my own sense come back to me, smell first
asking for hearing, sight, touch, taste and a
little of each returning as the ingredients
im consuming allow the body to heal
to be restored and what is more
bit by bit i feel much like i was
once before a long time ago
so don't worry because
that is suffering twice
once now at the
thought of it
once when
it occurs
whereas it
is better to
just breath
long, deep
meditate a
regular time
it's falling by
the wayside
writing them
down in my
journal and
working on
making the
next years
better than
those that
passed by
recently
without
much
care
living
now
is
a
bit
more
expressive
so much more
impressive in terms
of the feelings and the
fear yes but more than that
the realisations the connections
the time to waste or do things with
like this although an early night beckons
savour the time i spend asleep as my true self
waking is such a bitter pill to swallow every morn
as i become someone i would rather not recognise but
it's ok the lies i told myself for all those years hold no sway
the truth is so much better to live with because it carries us here
to the point of no return, the now, the feelings, the emotions coming
up and out to be honoured and not shouted about but i can feel it the
surreal moment that it must have been for everyone who has ever lived
to be the last generation as far as we know to ever set foot on this earth
the apex of civilisation as yet the owner of a past that lead us to destruction
on a planetary scale of the environment, the air, the waters and the animals yet
the possibilities are endless, savouring every breath, coming back to the body and
leaving it there, making my own chocolate, my own food, from the basics knowing
what is in it, not factory produced, will eat more wild and natures bounty comes so
soon, the spring will bring it back to us, my connection and these good habits keep
me honest and away from things i have loved but are better where they are smiling,
every time i think of the people i have met, knowing they are living lives and feeling
breathing, boundless energy, knowing they are doing well makes me extra happy.
My intuition, the explanations i find for different experiences, learning more and
making sure not to be a burden, not to go outside the prescribed limits of the
world that others tread just yet, let's see what settles after perturbing my
murky waters, creating new connections over the last few years and
tears, tearing shredding recycling fighting to find answers now less
of that just letting it come to me as i check in regularly with the
contents of my mind, changing the habits of a lifetime like the
insistence i once had around certain ways of doing things
needing to be right, letting others show me how i was
wrong, trying to be more patient, letting the films
that used to replay in my mind start over and
this time watching from outside so i see the
directors cut not the version i thought i
was meant to see, veils lifting, falling
from the eyes, the sense, as i pray
i ask for healing, truths revealing
dreams to give me insights to the
processes of the days and nights,
as time goes by and i spend less
of this precious time in desperate
searching in the wrong directions
leaving it here for tonight i wish to
meditate, search my energy, relate
as i contend that everything is core
apple, pip, flesh, stalk, heart shaped
no longer caring where it should fall
but letting go and respecting others
that they ought to be first and most
fore in my thoughts and visions of
a palace where i met parvati and
shiva who told me of the first of
all the love stories, of the house
with so many rooms within it.
The time I met hera and zeus
that was who i guessed they
were and offered me a job
maybe this is what it was
to explain things thus so
insuccintly making up
words like majestical
one i heard today in
a charming little film
from new zealand
so off to bed to
get my spirit
read and
feel a
bit
more
of the
feeling
coursing
through me
when i let the
energy be free
dense to lighter
lover not fighter
let me transform
from imaginal cell
just like a butterfly
from worm to wind
born insect just by
pupating and as
if by magic i
can try to
resume
whatever
it was i was
doing before
all this doom
and gloom
overtook
all of us
it's a
silly
way
to do
this but
i saw a pic
of me and some
friends in amsterdam
today from eighteen months
ago and i didn't really recognise
myself in one where i was manically
happy and i saw why i was too much
we are so many people different each
circumstance each audience so hence
forth i decide to be the best one that
i can choose each time to go in one
direction rather than any other to
find myself in the middle of the
path with others falling here
and there shedding skins
eating my own tail to
savour the findings
pregnant pauses
rendering sins
floundering
learning.
Yawning
Dawning
Surrender
So tender.
Desiring to be free of all the monotony of this fucking form filling so called meritocracy.
However i know that i owe those close so much more than any bureaucracy so there.
That's the crux, the crossroads I keep coming back to, it's home, my heart and you.
There's nothing for me to work on but fulfilling these tiny few promises to family so.
one way or another they say
so living is a constant battle to
last a little longer or a little less.
I must confess I heard so many
things from inside my head and,
I chose to understand each one
to listen to the words i recieved
they were you will die if you go
on smoking within ten years so
i chose to stop that habit and
the others were easy to get
a handle on i noticed that
my blog gets many extra
views in one block on a
given day random so it
seems from wherever
i do not know why
it's a pretty bleak
source of info
more of a long
stream of leaks
from my mind to
be honest it's not
as depressing as it
seemed for so long
im smiling more and
carrying on with living
wondering just who it is
that keeps me going and
i admit it's others more and
more so i'm less sore and yes
for their sake as much as mine
im feeling better and better and
treating myself with more respect
eating more healthily facing addicts
conversations within my body listening
to what is going on feeling those pains in
the chest but moreover feeling wonderous
less ponderous and these little bursts of the
creative juices are quite natural so it seems to
me to be normal and functional and giving body
to my frame letting the practise of fitting words to
this shapely way of writing is exciting and makes me
work harder to use no words more than once and again
it's making less sense that these clicks from abroad are for
any sensible reason, more a case of some junk, some phishing
some daft internet scammers attempt to make someone revenue
rather than a fan of mine and a form of retinue but i digress merely
to explain my wonder at these so called readers of this blog that's so
murky all these thoughts it's been a long period of darkness being set on
fire, my internal self set alight, so i can see the most fraught corners and yes
i have to conclude they are not my most appreciative sections i wonder for the
thoughts that come if i don't accept that they are mine, let them go, reflect upon
them and just move on, assume they are the subconcious, the deepest waters of
the ocean of the mind, come from who knows where to sink and suffer dumping
by ships that sail across the surface, no more codes or tries to sound clever here
there's just me and all this that has been going on inside mostly dislike for myself
that isn't going on forever, hanging in there has become a decision to make plans
to do more for others than i can for me, i have a certain desire to fulfill for them.
Saving as I am every penny apart from dharma, apart from charity, apart from
predilection to good food and creating a balance inside and out, acting better
making the recreation of body mind and those others things like souls, spirits
well who knows about all that, saving myself for future trips to distant shore
and sea while inner journeying comes through dreams and contemplations
finding my world clearing up i must have saved all this on the back burner
never having been this straight for twenty years and flip flopping the last
several always going back to cannabis and ignorance which is not bliss
doubting the incredible feelings and experiences as products of minds
eyes that were blind and finding much more considerable things like
feeling good about others, being there, communicating more and
facing the roots and branches and trunk and forest floor, sky
the stars i don't see except for at the end of regular week
day tuesday to learn healing wednesday to learn taichi
thursday to go to church and see what i can see and
learn from mystics who call themselves clairvoyant
as my own sense come back to me, smell first
asking for hearing, sight, touch, taste and a
little of each returning as the ingredients
im consuming allow the body to heal
to be restored and what is more
bit by bit i feel much like i was
once before a long time ago
so don't worry because
that is suffering twice
once now at the
thought of it
once when
it occurs
whereas it
is better to
just breath
long, deep
meditate a
regular time
it's falling by
the wayside
writing them
down in my
journal and
working on
making the
next years
better than
those that
passed by
recently
without
much
care
living
now
is
a
bit
more
expressive
so much more
impressive in terms
of the feelings and the
fear yes but more than that
the realisations the connections
the time to waste or do things with
like this although an early night beckons
savour the time i spend asleep as my true self
waking is such a bitter pill to swallow every morn
as i become someone i would rather not recognise but
it's ok the lies i told myself for all those years hold no sway
the truth is so much better to live with because it carries us here
to the point of no return, the now, the feelings, the emotions coming
up and out to be honoured and not shouted about but i can feel it the
surreal moment that it must have been for everyone who has ever lived
to be the last generation as far as we know to ever set foot on this earth
the apex of civilisation as yet the owner of a past that lead us to destruction
on a planetary scale of the environment, the air, the waters and the animals yet
the possibilities are endless, savouring every breath, coming back to the body and
leaving it there, making my own chocolate, my own food, from the basics knowing
what is in it, not factory produced, will eat more wild and natures bounty comes so
soon, the spring will bring it back to us, my connection and these good habits keep
me honest and away from things i have loved but are better where they are smiling,
every time i think of the people i have met, knowing they are living lives and feeling
breathing, boundless energy, knowing they are doing well makes me extra happy.
My intuition, the explanations i find for different experiences, learning more and
making sure not to be a burden, not to go outside the prescribed limits of the
world that others tread just yet, let's see what settles after perturbing my
murky waters, creating new connections over the last few years and
tears, tearing shredding recycling fighting to find answers now less
of that just letting it come to me as i check in regularly with the
contents of my mind, changing the habits of a lifetime like the
insistence i once had around certain ways of doing things
needing to be right, letting others show me how i was
wrong, trying to be more patient, letting the films
that used to replay in my mind start over and
this time watching from outside so i see the
directors cut not the version i thought i
was meant to see, veils lifting, falling
from the eyes, the sense, as i pray
i ask for healing, truths revealing
dreams to give me insights to the
processes of the days and nights,
as time goes by and i spend less
of this precious time in desperate
searching in the wrong directions
leaving it here for tonight i wish to
meditate, search my energy, relate
as i contend that everything is core
apple, pip, flesh, stalk, heart shaped
no longer caring where it should fall
but letting go and respecting others
that they ought to be first and most
fore in my thoughts and visions of
a palace where i met parvati and
shiva who told me of the first of
all the love stories, of the house
with so many rooms within it.
The time I met hera and zeus
that was who i guessed they
were and offered me a job
maybe this is what it was
to explain things thus so
insuccintly making up
words like majestical
one i heard today in
a charming little film
from new zealand
so off to bed to
get my spirit
read and
feel a
bit
more
of the
feeling
coursing
through me
when i let the
energy be free
dense to lighter
lover not fighter
let me transform
from imaginal cell
just like a butterfly
from worm to wind
born insect just by
pupating and as
if by magic i
can try to
resume
whatever
it was i was
doing before
all this doom
and gloom
overtook
all of us
it's a
silly
way
to do
this but
i saw a pic
of me and some
friends in amsterdam
today from eighteen months
ago and i didn't really recognise
myself in one where i was manically
happy and i saw why i was too much
we are so many people different each
circumstance each audience so hence
forth i decide to be the best one that
i can choose each time to go in one
direction rather than any other to
find myself in the middle of the
path with others falling here
and there shedding skins
eating my own tail to
savour the findings
pregnant pauses
rendering sins
floundering
learning.
Yawning
Dawning
Surrender
So tender.
Desiring to be free of all the monotony of this fucking form filling so called meritocracy.
However i know that i owe those close so much more than any bureaucracy so there.
That's the crux, the crossroads I keep coming back to, it's home, my heart and you.
There's nothing for me to work on but fulfilling these tiny few promises to family so.
Friday, 13 January 2017
rhyming slinger
so the words come along in my head and it's become a habit to end each following line with a rhyme
slinging them out, working them out, before they are read, in my mind, what do i want to say today?
who knows because most of the time it's just something that's come to me there and then so when?
When does it become clearer, nearer, to the time of less confusion and answering all the questions?
When will the quest be over, have all the myths and legends been turned from stories into my facts?
Why is it that the fantasies and phantasms of the last year, from a period ending around valentines
seem to be my own fears, some say they hear voices, some tell me it's a spirit cohabiting inside.
Some say that we can talk to the dead, some say that's a bad idea, some say this is an illusion.
Some say that we can talk to nature, become a part of it, get closer, feel connection and yes,
get some truths around the reasons why we're at this point in time and space right now today.
These habits around the ways i write, letting sentences end at a similar position, narrowing.
Wider at the start narrowing as though I'm working towards the centre, a singularity thing?
A point to get to, in our evolution, to strive to be better, become something new and good.
That's the thing with us you see we've been on this trajectory for so long now and yonks.
Long long road, narrow, with failures and mistakes on either side, and those poor folks,
who couldn't get a ride, got left behind, the ones who die, those who never got to live.
It seems to come down to it's all a lie, all superstition, personal revelation, faking it.
Just things others have told us that can't be true, we make them that way, me, you.
The world as a place, so full of people who don't believe in magic anymore really.
They just live in ignorance and are blissfully unaware of any of the ways to seek,
hiding from it all no wonder, so indebted to others, because that creates riches.
Feeling like someone elses bitches, slaves, subjects to an order out of chaos.
Something not to bother to write home about, just another serf to royalty.
They do quite a lot for us, it was never meant to be about my neighbour.
The future king of england, so or his sons, or their mother, or rumours,
fables, tales, and back again, so that is why i live free, freer, cleaner.
I figure if I can prevent myself from projecting out into the world.
The things that were programmed into me at an early age and,
instead delve deep into my dreams by going to bed regularly,
ok i'm missing out on dancing, trance-ing to the beat oh well
this way i sleep more, carry a little more weight and fat and
don't waste money on drink, tobacco, drugs and all o' that
wanna be a reliable witness and find out the reasons why
i suffered, maybe years of creating a body made of junk
over the next seven years it will be made of earth and
water the cleaner the deeper the better from inside
more plants and foods from the wild and sunlight
do all the good things i've got planned for others
this year and go walking again on a pilgrimage
next year while i study to give spiritual healing
practise keeping good habits for the sake of
others, maybe even find i'm doing it for me
see what life brings up and what comes
out of the woodwork from the worms
that burrow into our minds over time
keep delving deep with vispassana
root out the darkness and shadow
the basis for the suffering taken
hold at an early age the rage
find the emotions that are
hid express them turn my
attention to the rest of
you and yes realise
the failings of my
mispent illspent
youth clean up
my act and try
to find out the
best way to
be free and
say sod it
to the rat
race go
and live
peace
fully
me
.
slinging them out, working them out, before they are read, in my mind, what do i want to say today?
who knows because most of the time it's just something that's come to me there and then so when?
When does it become clearer, nearer, to the time of less confusion and answering all the questions?
When will the quest be over, have all the myths and legends been turned from stories into my facts?
Why is it that the fantasies and phantasms of the last year, from a period ending around valentines
seem to be my own fears, some say they hear voices, some tell me it's a spirit cohabiting inside.
Some say that we can talk to the dead, some say that's a bad idea, some say this is an illusion.
Some say that we can talk to nature, become a part of it, get closer, feel connection and yes,
get some truths around the reasons why we're at this point in time and space right now today.
These habits around the ways i write, letting sentences end at a similar position, narrowing.
Wider at the start narrowing as though I'm working towards the centre, a singularity thing?
A point to get to, in our evolution, to strive to be better, become something new and good.
That's the thing with us you see we've been on this trajectory for so long now and yonks.
Long long road, narrow, with failures and mistakes on either side, and those poor folks,
who couldn't get a ride, got left behind, the ones who die, those who never got to live.
It seems to come down to it's all a lie, all superstition, personal revelation, faking it.
Just things others have told us that can't be true, we make them that way, me, you.
The world as a place, so full of people who don't believe in magic anymore really.
They just live in ignorance and are blissfully unaware of any of the ways to seek,
hiding from it all no wonder, so indebted to others, because that creates riches.
Feeling like someone elses bitches, slaves, subjects to an order out of chaos.
Something not to bother to write home about, just another serf to royalty.
They do quite a lot for us, it was never meant to be about my neighbour.
The future king of england, so or his sons, or their mother, or rumours,
fables, tales, and back again, so that is why i live free, freer, cleaner.
I figure if I can prevent myself from projecting out into the world.
The things that were programmed into me at an early age and,
instead delve deep into my dreams by going to bed regularly,
ok i'm missing out on dancing, trance-ing to the beat oh well
this way i sleep more, carry a little more weight and fat and
don't waste money on drink, tobacco, drugs and all o' that
wanna be a reliable witness and find out the reasons why
i suffered, maybe years of creating a body made of junk
over the next seven years it will be made of earth and
water the cleaner the deeper the better from inside
more plants and foods from the wild and sunlight
do all the good things i've got planned for others
this year and go walking again on a pilgrimage
next year while i study to give spiritual healing
practise keeping good habits for the sake of
others, maybe even find i'm doing it for me
see what life brings up and what comes
out of the woodwork from the worms
that burrow into our minds over time
keep delving deep with vispassana
root out the darkness and shadow
the basis for the suffering taken
hold at an early age the rage
find the emotions that are
hid express them turn my
attention to the rest of
you and yes realise
the failings of my
mispent illspent
youth clean up
my act and try
to find out the
best way to
be free and
say sod it
to the rat
race go
and live
peace
fully
me
.
Saturday, 7 January 2017
The Philosophy of Time Travel
you can't change the past
but you create it every day
so in a way you can just try
to make a better future now
If all the worlds a stage press play / The elver and the ovum
You are a concious thought made up by your mum and dad half from each, resting on a lonely blood soaked beach, information as one egg shaped particle invaded by a little light dragon with a tail, that split into two then four and became a swimming fishy embryo in the ocean of your mummy's tummy to one day become a film projected onto the 3d screen of existence we call the world you see and in the end your life as a being will take the form of a dying of the light to leave behind a frame built over time that decays but the light rays, have left a shadow called a body that will rot...
However the bit that leaves will never die it goes onto light other places as time passes us by and that is what we call life because we only know it from the inside of this shell as the nut explores what it means to be born and grow and explore and eventually get cracked and put inside the apple of someone's eye and onto this screen we are projected so that we will never really end because ours is just to do or die and as long as someone remembers us, what we did, who we met, how we lived, when we were seen and in the final chapter our reason why it just goes on forever...
Friday, 6 January 2017
Poem:- what gets lost at sea...
i was thinking this up in the
bath you see and while i was floating and musing and making things up as
i go along as usual wondering how to convey to you all that you ought
to feel full of power not powerless and yes it's easy to say but you
spend so much time addicted to drama, well then don't watch t.v.
especially the news that doesn't inform, it's the worst kind of ear
worm, the programs even the ones that call themselves reality speak
about a world that's made up by someone
just like this is, formed out of words as lies, edited, smearing your
view, like a badly washed window onto the earth outside of you,
plainly spoken it was going to be about truth mostly forgotten, a few
lines that rhymed but even those are lost, like me, working from the
past to the future with the present as a weight around my neck tied to
both with the mean average folks justifying the ends, useless trends,
fashions for consuming stuff that tastes good on the tongue, in the
mouth but hurts when it finally comes out instead of a little of the
good things, that cost a bit more, go a long way, swell in your belly,
making you feel good all over, transforming your life, from the inside
out, make some, please, don't tease me with your attempts to say what
you will do differently, prove it to me, make some, changes, rearranges,
leave what doesn't work behind, find some fucking fun, please, anyone?
You can do it, and keep on, keep at it, keep plugging away until yes, you did it, it's done, you're free again can you feel it? Wine turned into water, it's a bloody miracle. I can feel again, it hurts at first, things coming to the surface to be healed, revealed, re-revealed, then re-concealed but this time not papering over the cracks they're deeply filled, like a new foundation has been built to work up from there, a little more weight because compulsive eating to comfort the wounded soul, in real life i'm much more normal, and shy, a less blustery wind but gassy and i won't apologise, human, aching less, body less weary, more teary and it feels fucking immense, deep emotion hence the rarer smile and even less frequent laugh
because i've worked my way here and discovered all the back burner fuel and loaded it up, stomach churning, early nights, it's all or nothing with me, good habits, no losing myself to some crush, a useless fantasy, i don't think my life makes sense unless every instance of connection leads to a chance to do something positive for you, make sure every chance i get i take, less no's more yes's despite my fears manifest as threats to everyone i can't feel love for but know intellectually mean the very most to me, i've found the numbness and acting upon it, the stage, the players, they're all me, a wandering troupe, uncovering scripts that need rewriting, loving, no more fighting the inevitable, and what's on the table read is being better every day...
You can do it, and keep on, keep at it, keep plugging away until yes, you did it, it's done, you're free again can you feel it? Wine turned into water, it's a bloody miracle. I can feel again, it hurts at first, things coming to the surface to be healed, revealed, re-revealed, then re-concealed but this time not papering over the cracks they're deeply filled, like a new foundation has been built to work up from there, a little more weight because compulsive eating to comfort the wounded soul, in real life i'm much more normal, and shy, a less blustery wind but gassy and i won't apologise, human, aching less, body less weary, more teary and it feels fucking immense, deep emotion hence the rarer smile and even less frequent laugh
because i've worked my way here and discovered all the back burner fuel and loaded it up, stomach churning, early nights, it's all or nothing with me, good habits, no losing myself to some crush, a useless fantasy, i don't think my life makes sense unless every instance of connection leads to a chance to do something positive for you, make sure every chance i get i take, less no's more yes's despite my fears manifest as threats to everyone i can't feel love for but know intellectually mean the very most to me, i've found the numbness and acting upon it, the stage, the players, they're all me, a wandering troupe, uncovering scripts that need rewriting, loving, no more fighting the inevitable, and what's on the table read is being better every day...
Tuesday, 3 January 2017
taking the piss
the last agency work i did they wanted to know how often, long we had a
piss and how long we all took now to me that's cheeky unnecessary in my
book but that's a modern life hurry don't take all day to have a shit
get on with it and finish up time is money you mucky pup so the moral i
guess is don't do those jobs but what else is there these days but low
paid physical stuff and careers oh no, im not having a go but i know
folks who hide in the toilets or used to because it made the day go
quicker if you took it slow
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