the body

the last time i was here i went to the doc cos i'd been peeing a lot, i quit the fags, cigarettes, was eating more, and yes i was pissing a lot, and noticed, became concious of all the little normal things that mostly i guess, go unnoticed, or maybe other folks notice them a lot but don't say, like the way that they think about what they would like for tea, their evening meal that evening, whilst it's already only morning, or day, that way seems funny to me, cos I guess I feel like I ought to choose what's already here, what needs using up, what i can pick from nature, if the fancy takes ya, or me, in this case im writing cos it's my way of getting into a flow, i don't juggle anymore, because i wasn't any good and don't have the balls, literally, but hey, a few times lately i had the guts to do some new things, entered into a lighthearted, world book day, poetry reading competition, that didn't happen, it was called off, like my love life, haha, hehe, i don't mind and never, ever give me sympathy, i don't ask for it, i don't want it, i'm never fishing for compliments, the only jokes i say, are the ones i make up which are terrible, puns, usually, i can never remember the punchlines of the things you consider jokes, i get sidetracked too easily, everything you say, inspires me, or reminds me of something.

i had such sharp pains in the feet, stabbing so hard and painfully that i thought i would cry out, but i dare not.

At the time, this time, they were people being hurt, or hurting themselves to hurt me as though a doll.

As though someone had one of those dolls that has my hair, or whatever you care to call them.

Most of the things that have a negative connotation can be used for good, like money.

I don't, I usually get rid of it when i can, as soon as i can, just whatever i need.

The rest is frittered, given away, oh that would be nice for me, possibly, others, a gift for someone i love, care about, but let's face it, i'm useless at considering what their needs are, so it's impulse buys, oh that reminds me, I'm trying to go through the things I really said, knew, wished i would do, clearing out.

The clothes came and went, i got rid of things, based on my character at the time, i have some missing.

I have time missing when i used to get drunk and then black out, i hope nothing too embarrassing.

During my recent archaeological dig within myself it came to my attention about this.

Maybe i was a bit of a mister grabby hands, with  women, for instance they say that some people are happy drunks, some people are not, i wondered whether i was the kind of person to become whoever they really are deep inside when drunk, does it accentuate what we really are, when inhibitions are gone or not though?

Things people say when they've had a few, i tend to take things said to heart, wonder about them, so did they mean this or that, find myself musing on whether they were being good to me or just honest or saying something very deep and meaningful, like you changed.  Does that mean they noticed i changed my clothes?

Are they saying I've changed as a person, since a few years ago, months ago, last week, last minute?

Cos I have, I'm being scared enough not to let myself get talked into certain situations, i was tired.

That helped keep me out of trouble, but good trouble mind you, a free party was on yesterday.

I would have dearly loved to see, hear a friend play his music, and dance to it overnight.

But hey, I've been there before, maybe i will again, I supported my dj friends.

I'm not going to be listing the good things I've done, i'm no jedi knight.

But neither am I going to deny myself the chance to be honest.

Empathy, was i crying for you or me that time recently?

I have to ask the question and i'd broken through.

Or at least it seemed to me I had, very, VERY.

Like broken through to a place within, inside me, that contained, a fantasy, an imagined version of a person, people, conversations with what I took to be people I've really met in real life who are friends, in my mind I was spending hours, chatting them up, conversing, getting to know one another, making wedding vows, singing songs, making them up on the fly, this one is a country and western love song for you my dear.

So whatever the scope of actual truth, the his-story, my perspective, it was fun and ghastly to realise that what i acted upon in the real world, if what is outside of us is really more real than our dreams, we see it, whereas our eyes are closed when we consider ourselves to be dreaming, unless we're day dreaming, no?

You see the boundary was becoming so unclear, i wrote i am lucid on my hands, to make it less so daily.

TO give myself a chance to see my hands within a nightly dream and i've got them back occasionally.

I will go back to the habits, now that I've got more time and conciousness to do so, check reality.

Check into lucidity, sleep is all important, not going out, staying awake for days, on drugs.

Really gives me, that and my vacant social life, just me and home, and dogs, company.

The company of the earth under my feet, barely, bare, touching soil and grass.

Daily ritual, eating break fast, breaking the overeating now i'm working.

Being hard on my self, choosing which to be, not the one who thinks it's allright to eat whatever i like all the time, but then I had started such good habits, i would say it's a neverending story like a river flowing, the way we're going, at this rate, changing, always changing, but somethings remain, we need to be consistent, that's not really my way, until i have to, when i need to, I can do it for others, will i do so for myself, hmm, did I catch this lack of self esteem, this lack of actually liking me, from others, i won't blame anyone but me.

I refuse to accept that anyone else can, could, should, i won't go there although i'm tempted to, judgemental little fucker, who shouldn't ever write when under the influence, of anything other than providence, luck, shucks, the rhyming isn't coming so cleanly, through me like it was but it's gotten to the point that it's a skill, I could test it out, but probably won't, i could have written will, i like it, the ways the connection get made, randomly, word associations, in my brain, i see a cat I think of those i know, knew, i went on the dodgems.

Just for old times sake, i ate cheese to soak up alcohol at the places where they want to sell you things.

You see i've been at a world famous, if you like that sort of thing, event, with horses, and women.

Lots of people, generally and those aspects of me that I don't like, illness, whatever you wish.

To call it, were gone, I recognised them for what they were, a mixture of confusion, interest.

I'm stumped here, my body calling on me to piss, holding it in, never waking for a wee.

Never wishing to disturb anybody, listening to my whole self internally again now.

Quitting smoking things really puts things into perspective and opens them up.

Time seems to suddenly open up too, there's so much more of it with nothing to do unless you can get off your ass, connect with someone, do the things I've always wished to do, go it alone in the wilderness, or learn how to from others, it's on this list i'm making of things to do with this life i've been given back for just such things, sailing i would like to try that at least once before i die, when the world was ending twenty twelve it was make love once before i die, obviously that meant loving someone, i wonder why i thought that having been on a rebuilding exercise for so many years, just going out to be friendly, not make enemies, but not looking for someone special because i was so scared to get close and go overboard again, overreaching, filling in the gaps between what you said and what i heard, imagining it all going wrong or right, thinking you mean that you would like to be one thing, something i would adore but terrifies me at the same time...

Oh dear, neurotics anonymous this is not, i wonder how many men have a mind like this or do they just stuff all these thoughts onto some kind of back burner where all their emotions are well hidden in the depths of their being, apart from hate and love, apart from being horny and happy, or angry and violently so, isn't that all they have as a range of emotions, going on, i know that's not true but others might say that of them which is wrong, but men lie to themselves and each other all the time, or they did, until it was ok to open up, leave the stiff upper lip behind in the past where it belonged, or was seen to be needed, the aristocracy well they're becoming as inbred and useless as the dalmation, the alsation and the rest of the kennel club, crufts this is not.  The human race isn't a pedigree dog, this planet is ruined, the air toxic, the water full of microbeeds and chlorine, that i allow to evaporate before i take a bottle of it to work, those hippies said that drinking spring water makes a world of difference and again it's one of those things that little ol' me finds hard to live with.

All the ways which each person could be feeling very different to how they do now, more connected, less affected by the disparity in this place, between the environment we live in and the one inside us all, people.

I'm going to go to be now and maybe continue this as a later date as others are sleeping and my body clock.

Well at the moment it's all about 6pm to 2:30am finish time in the warehouse where parcels go around, from lorry to lorry and then off to the people and let's hope they get there in one piece the way they were sent.

It's all about those few hours, when I'm not working, and not sleeping, although that's not easy either.

My brain has become a racing car at home in the evening again, but we shall see how it goes.

Working leaves little time to think which is good, just be a slave for the wage and pay.

Pay off debts accrued that this time will not fall by the wayside or be ignored.

Sleeping has become beautiful and intense and shocking but not emotional.

All sorts of interesting things, people from my past, how they were then.

How they are now?  Who knows, what dreams may come, a film...

You looked so beautiful, my friend, i think things worked out well.

The right way for you and i, goodness knows, i would have been,

nowhere, nothing compared to who you were released to be with.

I was never going to stand in the way of love, something clicked.

In my head, as i'm sure it does, some turn to hate when pushed.

For me that's always a judgement of myself, how could I be so?

Stupid as to think you cared for me as much as I did for you?

I realise and finally see how wrong i was at the time anyway.

That's the best thing, because my communication fails, failed.

I didn't verbalise the way i felt, i didn't ask the questions, at all.

I never made time to be with you, i never said the words, i love you.

I'm rambling again and that other one was going to be my last for tonight.

Somehow when I was going out of my mind, compared to some, sane to others.

Suddenly two individuals came back into my life, social networking anyway, and how.

Things I was seeing suggested the world had gone downhill very quickly, was changing all around.

The timing was impeccable, i god rid of one, felt very exposed and vulnerable, got rid of one, oops god.

God comes into this again, when I've calmed right down about that whole thing, there's just us here.

We do our own thing, whatever comes of it is fine, good, golden, the way i had come to answer.

You ask me how i am, i'm back to fine again, it used to be good, then golden, we will see.

This working lark, insurance companies, fearful conversations, confidence building.

It leaves me again, a little taken aback, back into my childhood, wake up.

Wake up, wake up, there's a battleship in the garden!  Non sequitor.

The sort of thing you say to someone threatening you drunkenly.

When was the last time you had instant custard?  Wakes 'em.

Reminds them to use their brain not their fists apparently.

A technique i've never needed never been in one.

A fight I mean, unless this is it, for my soul.

So who am I the good, the bad, the ugly truth is that I have been a bit of both and all three and even a little of the one I mentioned elsewhere, the beautiful person that I have been to some, even mentioning me in the same sentence as what some call ascended masters, you see I gave someone energy, and they felt it.

It was the most profound thing they'd ever experienced in their life before, up to that point, and so.

Whatever you think of me, insane, sane, a little of both, either, a lost cause, a hero, neither.

All I am is a collection of tiny things that choose to form something akin to a man.

If I could choose the middle way, to be the average of all i have been.

I would, maybe even have been a dad, it came to me recently.

Amongst the things I cannot say again, not meant as truth.

I thought there were two children on the way for us.

I thought I knew the order, the sex, even names.

Now I just wish all the mothers well, healthy.

The fathers too, the children even more so.

The world, at large, is a pickle, great.

Greater than the sum of its parts.

Don't get me started on them.

But if only we learnt again.

That it's nice to share.

Nudge nudge.

Wink wink,

Love love.

Jon

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