smile

when i think of you i smile, friend, old, new, stranger, who
when i think of you all i smile, once in a while again today
right now i'm thinking of someone i liked but never knew
im smiling thinking of you all again today, right now yay
im smiling when i think of you, im so very fond it's true
im just so very proud of every one of you everybody
i go through such extremes no wonder i numbed me
from wishing i was dead and it was over to loving
to wishing i wasn't missing a wonderful sunset no
to wondering how this return to myself will go
to accepting the ways i fucked up so and so
to knowing it cant go on like this and yes
and no i sow the seeds of the future
dont need to know where this
was headed where it was
meant to go but oh
woah is me
what a wild ride it's been this life so far is there a god, a goddess, were they all just personal delusions of grandeur and gratitude and acceptance when all i wish for myself is to finally pay off debts settle at something, some kind of job i can do, save monies for some future time when i might recover some sense of humanity, some sense of less futility, see the other side of the coin that has depression as the tail and spirituality, magic, love, all the other essentials, elementals, of reality, as the head of a beautiful beast we call the other side, for me it's always been one or the other, from remembered things i might have made up, spinal, kundalini massage, what's the adage?  One good turn deserves another, sister, brother, i failed you.

I tried to become one, i attempted to lose my inner turmoil, regain a connection to the soil, end what's held me back, gain the information that I lacked and move on beyond the layers of failure from my upbringing, get past the reasons why i can't imagine things going well, barriers and boundaries places upon me because they can't accept that more might be possible, get some kind of personal confidence in who i am and forgive, live, make something worthwhile of myself, taken off the shelf, now i know and feel the reasons why not, ever.

Lover, fighter, healer, treat those you meet right, give them the benefit of the doubt, see why they deserve every single thing they've ever earnt, learnt, those bridges that i've burnt, hard wired errors in my code.

Lessen my load is the only road i can consider, get out of this crazy bureaucracy, stop staying up late.

Get to sleep, with the rhythms, of natures call, actually remember them, hear them all, sing em loud, sing em clear, lose the fear that sits with me daily, is a my own demons, a spirit who shares my space, wears my face.

Night night let's see what tomorrow brings, see how much is left of me, that comes back after this depression.  This session of clarity and sanity that makes me so unhappy, feeling so normal sucks.

smile it might never happen

it never will if you can't imagine it

you'll never create that new situation

never explore a new destination

get out there into the world