learning the walk again

i learned that i am completely unprepared for life anywhere other than in the home i was raised in, that i don't know how to cook lots of things, when potatoes are ready to go from being par boiled into the oven to roast, all of these things, like cleaning surfaces, undercoating when painting, do it yourself basically, you name it, I've never done it, I may have helped, bodged something, I'm no good at all these things, have never been involved, sheltered from so many aspects of life, and it's because I was a coward, and I didn't need to do them before now, and now I'm scared or at least i was petrified at how little i know, how much there is to know and learn, realising how little i've experienced, i haven't done anything, I've spent years in pubs or my room, or someone elses doing drugs and watching t.v. screens whether they were programmes or games.

All of the best things in life i avoided because i was too scared, to ask someone out, to engage, to connect.  To learn through social interaction what conversation is all about, to get used to the small talk which i hated.

I found the hello, how are you's fake and uninteresting, i would say fine thanks and wander off, leave you there, I wouldn't even ask you back, ask a question that I didn't need to know the answer to and i'm sorry.

I'm really very sorry at the moment, not feeling so sorry for myself, i recognise what a mess i've made of things and that's clear to me, so it's left me with a much better picture of what my life ought to be for.

It's going to be about first aid skills, volunteering, redemption through giving my time away to others.

That's what that voice in my head said the very first time I asked for an experience of the kind that I was searching for when I left on my solo spiritual quest this time seven years ago and I won't name it again.

It's quite boring for others anyway and I mention it so often, whenever I can actually, it's so vivid to me.

From a little piece on a pilgrimage on a television show, to a bequeath, to a gift, to an idea, to an adventure.

It all worked out well, going back further I was drawn to avebury and called out of office work into nothing.

I learned that I had been thinking I was fine, just like I would say when asked, how are you?  But not really.

I will accept that lots of folks around me seem fine, maybe they're not inside, but they seem it, mentally.

They do their work, they don't talk about anything to me about their worries, they don't suffer as i did.

I wonder, did I bring it on, or was it there in the first place waiting to be brought out, called upon?

All sorts of inaccurate recollections of mine, misapprehensions, where i got the wrong end of the stick.

Things I ought to have brought to the attention of others, or been there for people more but I didn't.

My cowardice in certain circumstances brought into sharp focus, with my inner and well taught honour intact.

This need for the world to feel like it ought to be fair, but isn't obviously, i see it more clearly than ever.

Learning just how dark it is, how often the right thing isn't done, in public life, so many secrets.

Hierarchies of lies within the system, ways in which the world works that don't seem good.

To find out so much of it now, feels like losing innocence on a grand scale and so late.

I'm well into my life compared to many i'm quite old, i've made it this far and there are so many who don't, i have to be grateful for that, the illness that strikes others, children with cancer, disability, i have been pain free, most of my life has been a breeze compared to so many, no silver spoon but i'm not a refugee.

So you see i've reached an apogie and celebrate the apologies that I've made, I've spoken the words more often lately than I care to admit, or written them, sent them out, looked back with something akin to a flash light, shone into every dark recess and area of my being, my life, the loves, the crushes, the unrequiteds, so it makes me a little scared to get close to anyone lest they develop feelings for me or i do so easily as before.

Even someone that i told myself i only liked as a friend, but that's fine, it's good, i smile for her and them.

I really do, and it's so lovely, to know that others, have their friends, and loves, and it makes me smile.

When i think of the lives they're living, that it's possible, here, to enter into those relationships, not me.

My focus feels right at the moment, it always was, since the millennium turned, since that solar eclipse, since every sign i took or sought out said change, since time ended in 2012 or so the druid said and something told me to go, not to hang around there, a resistance within me to spending time, in places, with people, for no good reason, or maybe that's how it feels at the time.  Last time I stuck out a conversation, it lead to a chance meeting with someone, that lead to some work, that lead to a gift, that lead to a purchase.

I could trace all of those and think to myself maybe that's why i was resistant to the initial conversation.

Or i could accept that instead of being able to feel the future impinging on the present, that it was me.

My resistance to listening, and I thought I was a good listener, or maybe that's another lie i told.

So many lies have been shed, so many perspectives i held and saw myself, the world from.

It's been interesting to say the least and I even took a chance this weekend but slight.

As I feel the healing progressing, as I realise how many mistakes i can right.

I know there are ways to avoid so many of them in the future, now.

It makes the world seem smaller in terms of people i know.

But i also realised how little i knew people before.

I started to get to know some of them and well the more I learn about others usually the less I like them, they don't seem to be who I thought, they disappoint but then so does everyone eventually right and certainly me so I know there are reasons why i am the way i am, you can't win with me, i move the goalposts, i feel like this is hell, and heaven, so i came up with something earlier which is apt here, the good, the bad, the ugly.

The beautiful, don't forget that one, there's the good, the bad, the ugly and the beautiful isn't there?

I've been moulded by films and t.v. to think the world is one way when it's quite different.

The complexities and all the rules that people seem to know instinctively or learnt.

It's confusing to me, so I kept out of it, out of the conversations, ignored it.

Ignored anything that I didn't understand or didn't make sense to me.

Finding so often these days that I don't understand your words.

I have to ask you again, is it my hearing or is it the speech.

I was thinking about this, do we hear what people say?

I hear the words but misunderstandings are common.

They can and have lead to things as gross as war.

Great means big not good, something can be great but not good, we use the word to mean good though now.  That is why you have to be so careful when speaking and I have to be more careful to listen right.

I find it hard to understand, I get the wrong end of the stick, i have to clarify, ask questions, and i do.

Of course this whole thing is coming from things that I am thinking about but not saying.  One side.

One side of this conversation going on here, is within my mind, and I'm spitting the other out.

Should I laugh even if i don't think what you say is funny?  Shouldn't i have a rapport?

Because I suddenly thought to myself, this conversation isn't going well with you.

This person I was talking to, but then I was drunk, well at least a little.

I wonder, without drink would any of us lose our inhibitions?

Shouldn't we do that without drugs, after all drink is one.

Learn to face our fears without drugs, be strong.

We're weak, most of us wouldn't last a day.

Let alone a week in the first or second.

Will there be a third world war?

It was mooted, as a plan.

I loved the conspiracies for a while, I've been an avid reader of almost anything online, i keep clear of the real things, you see, the accuracy, the footage, the pictures, of real life, not interesting, i liked books, to read them, about things that we can't be certain about, certainties bore me, a life less ordinary, please, thankyou.

Mysteries, give me something that builds a relationship slowly until i love the characters more than life itself.

I don't mean that to sound the way it came out, maybe i did, but hey, I loved the shows where it's ok.

Where at the end of each episode it's back to normal and everyone is well and happy again.

If this was hell, I guess everyone get's what they wish for, or strive for, or get close.

You can try to be so many things here, experience them, or you can just be.

It's a tried and tested saying by someone I have a speckled friendship with amongst those people i've met some have been very generous and in the past I would have questioned their motives, as i always did, i'm sceptical about anyone who is, was, well not so much now, but that's because some people are gooduns.

Friends I've made who have shown me how they behave, their families, their traditions, shame us here.

The western world, the english speaking countries, masogeny, empire, shames us all, historically.

I'm rambling but I said what I wanted to, I love you, whoever you are, i'll help somehow.

That voice, said I would give my life in service to my fellow man, men, beings.

That sounds like a plan but it never felt like a threat so much as a task.

Lately I've been taken very much to the limit of credulity and back.

The things I've said are taken with a pinch of salt nowadays.

Because I've acted on impulse, instinctually too lovingly.

Ignorantly too, i'm sorry if i pull away from you.

Character trait, in the past I saw it as a natural thing, a bhuddist thing, people come and go from your life, I saw it as a stressful thing to get back into a room with someone I haven't seen in a while, what will we talk about, my life has been ruined because my imagination runs wild and i work out how it will all go wrong, someone isn't back when they said, they've been killed in a car crash, don't tempt fate, fatalism inbuilt, scared, worried more than anyone ought to, or not worried, concerned at all, i don't think about you.

From one extreme to the other, when abroad, holidays, pilgrimages, you didn't get a look in much.

Apart from that stone I carried all the way from home to place at the base of a cross of iron.

You see I guess I've been the most caring and loving and uncaring and unloving fool.

Shot little birds dead for no reason other than that i could and also watched.

Spent hours and hours alone with my eyes glued to their flight or habits.

Sat beneath a tree, in the undergrowth hidden, letting the life around get used to me, and come back close.

Do that for me, what is this life if full of care, we have no time to stop and stare, i'm a starer too, sorry.

I don't know how much eye contact is enough or too much, at times i knew, or it came to me.

Sometimes things come so naturally to me like that, i wonder if that's your skills in me.

You see, I feel as though I take on whatever it is you are, or can be, or feel.

Maybe that's a new age type thing about empaths, different kinds.

That quote by the way, what is this life, if full of care...

I won't bother to look it up for once not for you, if you wish to, by all means do, some rhyming here, and i've learnt something from the other day, how to spell rhyme, well an old dog and new tricks when i can't even seem to use the tap in the kitchen, because i can't remember which way use turn them on and off really?

You see there are so many things that become second nature, we being nature, they being secondary, something learned, something we learned that becomes a programme within our mind, muscle memory, lines of force, i was going to say power, communication within our brain, the neurons firing in a certain way, we can make them change, neuroplasticity, i used to love reading the breakthroughs in science and nature, new creatures discovered, old ones back again from extinction because we've gone somewhere new, hidden, the yeti, cryptozoological beasts, aliens, ghosts you name it i've read about it all, pseudo science, pseudo religious nonsense, things that are becoming accepted, offered on the nhs, needles in meridians, reiki, yoga.

Where is the truth, again my search and can i handle the truth, is there one?  I thought today about god.

Goddess, divine, divinity, a divide between the female and the masculine, a line, feminine, assinine.

Is there just all of us who believe we are individuals and one other thing called whatever it is?

There's this great, not good, not bad, just large, thing, that is lonely and we're it too see.

That was my thought, so we get to experience separation, fear, suffering, pain.

Then we go back to being all together, back to godhead, wow that's nuts.

One thing with all of us inside it, as part of a huge mind, insanity.

The dividing line between the mascu and the femi, nine.

The noble path, the eightfold way, counting down.

Lucky number seven, six, six, six, five, four.

Three, a trinity, god, man, spirit, two.

You and me, me and you, i.

One, numeral, number.

It's up to us and.

Yes you said.

Choose.

Which.

Who.

What self would you like to be?

My answer is the best i can be

For the sake of everybody

And that, insuferably, yes

Includes me, I'm sorry

I get the feeling that

In some ways it's

Never been,

about me.

Love
Jon
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