Medicine Man

The first time I was seriously worried and sought help I searched out a medicine man, a shaman, a healer.

I paid this person for two treatments, two visits, and my problems only got worse before they got better.

It opened up three of the deepest wounds I had ever caused / suffered and also gave me evidence too.

Something that he said connected to something that had happened to me, an event I was involved in.

So I could relive it, i went back in time, back to my own life, those events and saw them again.

I relived them, psychologically, in my mind, i relived times gone past and i have done again.

This last time, I experienced my own life as though it was flashing before my eyes.

I was accused of all sorts of things, saw others far more clearly than ever.

It was a strange time to be sure and one I would not choose to repeat.

Most of it was untrue, some made it clear my recollection weren't.

I had assumed things, about others and so I know the distance.

That a part of us will go to protect itself, the shadow perhaps.

It's been a while since then, I know all the folks are safe.

My family, my friends, aquaintances were threatened.

I did nothing, I took it less and less seriously.

I called the bluff of my own paranoia.

I see that it was a balancing act.

So I know that there were times when I was not as pure as I thought I was but I knew it at the time, those things that I alluded to, things that I accused others of, things I am not proud of, they were few and mostly were thoughts not deeds, words not actions, talking not walking, times when I filled in the gaps between.

What I feared and what really happened, so I know the ways that the mind can play tricks on you.

I have experienced periods of having thoughts that were not valid and now they are more clear.

The healing that I did extended to sensing the world as a whole, now I doubt that sincerely.

I could sense the energy of someone merely by thinking of them, without meeting them.

I doubt it all and will need to work my way back up to doing healing again in future.

I've been to a place inside and out where I wondered what the world was about.

There is finally a smile upon my face because I know I have confessed my soul.

I have opened myself up to whatever is out there and to myself and seen it all.

The truth, the lies, the beginning and the end and it scares me quite a bit now.

I wonder how it must feel to be famous, infamous, known to the world.

To go out into it, knowing you effect those around you is a big thing.

The world itself becomes a living entity and I don't know what.

Where, why, when or how but my desires are simple now.

To do the basics, pay the bills, regain some sense of me.

See what emerges from this process of rebirth ongoing.

Because that is what this is right now an emergence.

A test, a census, multiple choice examination.

Who will I be what will I do to progress?

Do my first aid course again relearn.

Move on, let go, find out what.

What I want from life because.

Before I didn't ever consider.

Never took the time to think.

Never asked what I wish.

Hid from the future.

Knowing not...

It's a living

thing.