es kiss

kiss update i have decided to change from the nazi swastika style kiss x
will now only be giving positive kisses in the form of the slated + sign
 north south east west these are the text based kiss that i like best +

dandelions

it's a confusing time to be so in touch with the shadow and the true self
feeling emotions i haven't felt for ages or seemingly ever before like well
jealousy where i always thought, there was a real sense of true love so
it's a pickle and a weird surreal time for me to behold this shining light
to realise the deeper aspects that were hidden or were projected out.
I worry about being around others, i find it hard to make decisions as
i always have although now it's more of a case of should I go for it?
My appetite is high and my thirst but when I'm walking around the
supermarkets I work in I don't see much food there, just, products
so I can tell that something is changing as i hold on for a dear life
i've reached out more than i used to and it makes me wanna cry
because i didn't dare to dream before and there was a lot of guilt
and shame which i can only choose to live with, move on from...
For me this is a learning experience, this life i mean, this place
I wish i could start over but i have to accept the life i've lived so
far and i know there are ways and means for me to join in more
once i've paid my debts off and paved the way for less fear x
i don't suit meat anymore or cheese or milk or cigarettes or
at least i suddenly stopped wanting to consume them and
now it's all vegetables and wild food and learning about em
the wild garlic that i love to pick and give away as always
but others like dandelions that i wanted to try but didn't
dare to for some stuck reason and others im going to
learn about like hawthorn leaves and intergrate the
knowledge that i already knew with whatever i can
learn from others over this summer and the years
to come, i want a herb garden and a yurt to live
in here and to keep on giving a healing energy
away focussing on folks and areas and well
everywhere and back again and growing in
strength and resolve and will power and
taming the wild beast, releasing the
inner being, being more of the me
that was lost, the me that was
there all the time, a new me
a combination of all three
trying not to rhyme so
constantly ;) maybe
but generally enjoy
and give joy as
much as i can
possibly :) x
so bye for
now from
us as it
were
x

thankyou new

23:23 on the 23rd and all i seem to do is work
at this moment in time, i choose to take a cup
and fill it up with thoughts of new possibilities
the endless enduring eternity of a love reality
whatever this life is for it's got be about that
if nothing else there is more than enough
scope and hope within my weary soul
for a new day, a new way, a new life
new challenges now the word new
that seems to be the glue looks
like nonsense, like anything
when you say it over and
over again the meaning
leaves and all that is
left is the feeling
which is really
rather good
thank
you
x

conduit - a pipe or channel

It occurred to me, all is flowing energy and I'm just a conduit, a can-do-it, one
with enough imagination to break free of supposed limitation to our destiny, as
scary as that can be, there really is no other way to see, a way out eventually,
from this place, this space of constant intimidation, fear, revelation, expectation
and degradation of our humanity wherein also lies love, courage and cooperation.
One definition of conduit is an ancient word for fountain and i suppose that is true
because it's slowly becoming clear that with the right preparation we can assume
less but know more, allow wisdom in from another water course, another location,
outside of us if we choose to see it that way, within us each and every single day.
Once I got in touch with it by asking for answers to the hardest questions in our world it became a game of two steps forward and one back as I had to change
every choice I made to get in step with whatever it is that the modern woman
and man lack, connection, to their roots in nature, their ancestry in the sky,
I don't know if this makes any sense to any of you but I have to make a try.
This was going to be a line or two and that was all, to always leave them
wanting more but in the usual way I can't use one word where a dozen
or thirteen will do, so I've gone on rambling, to no-one and all of you.
This stuff occurs to me, it literally happens, but, when I was just
one person seeking answers there were others saying things
that were hard to believe but easy to understand why they
did, I could tell they were speaking from the heart see,
I wanted to feel the fervour they were expressing so
I carried on in my search, full of trepidation and
my own desire to make reparation for a past
leading me to find my own redemption yes
but more than that, occasion to give love
out to others, connect to sisters and
brothers, work off all my karmic
debts and wasted years to
be the man i was always
too afraid to learn to be
backed into a corner
of this crazy old
universe i had
to come out
fighting so
i did so
finally
me
x

giving it away (for the rice wine of it) ...sake

i gotta be carfuel what i wish for from now on cos i ask and i recieve
these days have been full of misery and finally a little joy i believe
it's on the cards my gifts have been collected, nearly achieved
i just wanna give them away, face the shame play my game
maybe see a face or two i daren't speak anybodys name
the only true happiness is a thing that we give away x

allowing for miracles

all my money is someone elses, back rent, court judgement, apart from fuel and a few little trips here or there, i won't be going everywhere for some time but i have been able to do some healing which was lush and thanks for the chance x
my weekends are taken up with shifts in a supermarket but my mondays and tuesdays and in a while my wednesdays will be free so i'm hoping to do healing and maybe some massage on a donation basis and i've just put my name down for shares on a camper van as and when i need it to go places and stay over x
it's funny but there's the person you think you are and then there's this other one, like you only better than you think you really are, can be, can see when you try to be better every day, in the little and big way that comes to you when you do the right things by yourself, by others, by your sisters and brothers and it's that person that i wish to be, from now on, the one who knows which way to go, whispers in my ear, it feels like cheating sometimes but really it's just allowing for miracles in your life x

real games

one of the hardest pieces of experiential information i gathered was that this is a giant recycling center where we've all come to be upcycled into something good, something wonderful in a higher dimension, the fourth, the fifth, beyond time and beyond space, able to live in any moment of existence, universe, create them x

another was that all of the things i seemed to love most were merely distractions, television series apart from those that really speak to you and are of the highest quality, films too, fictional books unless they speak to you and open your mind

The third was that the things we surround ourselves with, the reality we see as the world around us are in fact toys in a playground, there are far better games, to be playing elsewhere, to be discovered when the lessons of this place are learnt x

pro found ly

so i dont know about other people but ive been going through a situation
where every day complications like social interactions have been allowing
me to see myself more clearly, and bringing deeply subconcious things
to the surface for me to see, like competitiveness, feelings of inadequacy
awkwardness, lots of things i didn't even know were going on, judgements
of others that were being made too that without making these concious
i couldn't choose to let them go and not make those decisions anymore
some call this shadow work, i call it painful exploration of the self but hey
it's all somehow seeming right, making me choose to go the right way
and i hope it's for the pro-found-ly positive reason that i think it is xxxxx

didn't - do

didn't respect my body or my health
didn't respect my energy or my self
didn't respect my family, or wealth
do respect my body, a lot more
do respect my energy now
do respect my family
my health is good
my self is good
my wealth is
getting
there
x

aint love grand? love seeing hands in hand
one of those pecks on the cheek, the lips
hey miss you've got his ass in your hand
people watching, all day and night long
under florescent lights 'n fake smiles
no real, social interaction except
i see someone i know in every
place ive been told to go to
cheltenham or gloucester
ive been all over and all
over are folks who i
once met once
smile emoticon x heart emoticon thanks
robert of the
circle of
light
x
uckington, its an actual place, the circle of light, spiritualist church

Something Good

turn on my pc it's 11:11, all the ones, we're all one ;) x <3 anyway i wanted to talk about mind over matter, about chronic and acute conditions, whether psychological or physical and how good it feels to have someone take your mind off the matter, literally take your mind off the problem and ask you to do this for yourself, spend five minutes a day forgetting what you've been told, your diagnosis or prognosis, what you've come to accept as your future, the trend towards old age, or things getting worse, i'd like to offer you this chance to spend five minutes a day imagining a better future for yourself, one free of whatever it is that ails you, whatever it is that puts you ill at ease, literally makes you feel dis - eased, spend those minutes in the same way you would when someone makes you laugh and forget that you're ill, spend them thinking of all the things you could do if you didn't have whatever issue, see yourself running if you can't, walking if you can't, talking if you can't, see yourself on a sunny day outside, free from worries, in your favourite place to be.

Then give yourself five minutes a day when you think of nothing, when thoughts arise as they tend to do, say thankyou, let them go, get back into the flow of thinking of nothing, literally being happy doing nothing, here i am, thinking about nothing, busy doing nothing ;) letting all those worries and thoughts go like clouds passing by moving across the sky, and as you get better at this, spend a little more time each day, let the no thoughts time stretch out to ten minutes, twenty, who knows it might not feel like that at all, it might feel like hours that you've spent literally doing nothing but what you find are all sorts of answers to the questions that your heart is often asking, but you never have or find or make the time to ask x

Give yourself the gift of five minutes of imagining a better future for you and yours
Give yourself the gift of five minutes off from whatever it is that you think about <3
Give yourself the gift of finding time during the day to see yourself in a better light
That is my gift to you today and every day because you really deserve everything
that your heart desires, a chance for things to change, a chance for some good x

starts as one thing - cobbled together - ends up as another - love seems the be the message always love, only love, that'll do then x

for a while it seemed a darkness was taking over me
then i realised it was a shadow that was a part of me
to be accepted and forgiven and loved, just as readily
i listen to the part that always wanted the best for me
growing each day finally doin' what it's been telling me
all the years i resisted, it's harsh but fair attitude to me
do the right things, go work hard, treat yourself lovingly
a difficult message to convey or understand, ignorantly
as i stumbled, blindly through life, numbly and dumbly
unable to engage with or connect to anyone truthfully
working against my own best interests, so, painfully
incapable of making a positive difference eventually
coming back to myself and at last realising finally
for it all to be worthwhile my service to humanity
that requires an end to the me, me, me, reality
makes itself known, clear and present, totally
as i work to heal from the inside out, to truly
make something of this selfish personality
and bring that healing out into pure unity
by this point, im running out of veracity
if i become more honest i'll be saintly
and that's a long shot but honestly
i do not see, how i could do any
thing else but transform to be
a much better person really
than i was in the past see
the change in mentality
came about, so freely
cos i asked recently
please show to me
what love can be
when given and
received easily
that's simply
what loving
thankfully
did to
me
x

believing is seeing

was reading about beliefs, not facts, beliefs, things that we hold to be true, for no other reason than that we believe them to be, we feel them to be, we learnt them...
so when they come up, like 'giving up smoking is fucking difficult' i change it within and say a more reasonable 'giving up smoking is easy' and keep on saying it, until it's true, for me anyway, until i challenge the beliefs as they arise they won't change so i have to keep on noticing them when they do, whatever they are and change x

parvati

when im cooking, using my intuition, it's a bit like having my ancient asian grandmother parvati, whispering to me, add some curry powder to that fish, add some chilli to that salad dish, i mean no disrespect to you amma, but you haven't been around for a long time, in fact all my ancestors are english or welsh up to a point but the feeling is of being gifted information from someone from north east india

when im healing, i tend to start, by repeating some words, that feed my heart, i've learned them over time from within and from places and people without, i whisper these words too and they go like this, let energy flow from the source of all creations, unlimited, infinite, unconditional loving energy, flowing into me, going wherever it is needed to heal, so that i can feel, filled up to the brim, to overflowing, and then choose where it's going, by being grateful it makes space inside for even more to keep on coming, and then i ask if it's in the highest good, if i should, send it out to whoever comes to mind, whoever has asked for it, but let's not confine it, when i come to see the barriers and limits are only within me i can set it free, i can visualeyes the entire world, the entirety of all creations, all time, all life, from before, from now and from the then yet to come, send the energy back out to itself with love, the intention is to heal, to ground it from the sky, to raise it up from the earth, to make a connection, to be a comsic fuse, well what have you got to lose, nothing and everything to gain, so whether it's everyone and everything or just you, it's true, it's out there waiting, no more hesitating, burning through my doubts and fears, setting my intention for the coming years, to be a source of love in this world and the next x <3 :)

the silence

i use this place as a forum for communication, explanation, expression, to go some way towards a true confession up to a point, so I don't expect or desire anything in return, as always this tends to be a tribute to whatever went through my mind not the actual thought process which is usually much better than what comes out but that's the way it goes, with all artists maybe that's the point, the fire, the driving force, that makes them use whatever they call their voice, mine is words, that's my art because in person they rarely start, unless i'm nervously filling a silence with some rambling story, getting sidetracked, or revealing the journey i've been on and so here goes with some of the things I've noticed...  I used to drink a lot, used to smoke a lot, toke a lot, joke a lot, choke a lot because i'm always scared of my own tail, my own epic fails, constant embarrassment a feature of the way i've learned because i tend to do whatever i feel like doing not what some think is ok and on this day i spotted that i'm not used to lights, the sights and sounds of towns, the frowns, the clowns, the drunken, the old, the fucked, the down on their luck, the sirens, the violence, i'm used to the country, nature and the silence

when we dont think we're connected to more information

ours not to reason why, ours but to do and die...
so i was wondering about that, about destiny
about the decision to ask why our instinct
says go left instead of right, go the long way
take a different path to the rational choice today
and why it's good to get lost only to find little
wonders when we do and when we take a
risk or two it's often then that we find out why
rather than asking or trying to think of a reason.