Reconnection

many people think that all there is to life is life itself, you live you die and that is all. In the year 2000 i sensed an opportunity to live rather than spend the rest of my days dying inside a little more each day, so i left a possibly promising career and since then have been doing my best, within the confines of what i believed was possible to find out the answer to the question why are we here? The answers aren't easy, the journey from there to here has been and continues to be painful as i accept that there is more to life than merely waking each day to go to work to pay to live and so... it goes on, i go on, finding new life within the moments between waking and sleeping and more within the time we see as a third of life spent sleeping.

Now i live within natures ever lasting embrace, spiders, earwigs all sorts of creatures share my living space, nature now no longer fears me and i don't fear it either, only having to reconnect to human beings who i've often seen as the cause of most of my pain, when in reality it was my own fears that i projected onto the world, onto others, or had projected onto my existence.

We are all given to believe that time is linear, that it goes from the past to the future and us with it, as though we cannot affect it's passing but we can. Several times in my life i seemed to have knowledge of things that haven't actually happened yet, deja vu as it is known, the feeling of having experienced an event before and yet it also feels like the first time too.

Whilst driving close to home I would often fear deer crossing the road in front of me when i approached a particularly bad corner, recently this came to pass and now i don't get that instinct any longer. Before I took self defence classes to prepare for what i saw at the time as a journey abroad i didn't expect to come back from, i had all sorts of strange notions because i had searched the internet and other sources to find out why i had an overiding sense that change was upon us all, that something was coming.

Somehow the skills i learnt at that time were already a part of me years previously when i broke up a fight. It's usually in the moment that a connection to something seemingly comes from the future to now. In fact the feeling i had all those years ago has gone now, i don't feel as though something wicked or lovely this way comes any more, whatever it was is here, a reconnection to the divine, to something greater than me, the source of that feeling is the future speaking to us in the current time.

It's confusing, not to have had any guidance except my own instincts, not to have anyone to turn to except those people out there also having the same experiences, and there are many don't ever believe there are not.

Whatever you believe, reach out, trust someone, skeptically mind you...

Take whatever they say with a pinch of salt but give it a chance too.

Believe in better for yourself and those around you I always did

Now I always do, what scares me most is people, but that's me

I learnt at a very young age that they can't be trusted

to do what they say they will, because they too fear

what they don't understand, what they were never
taught to have faith in, what they were conditioned
to believe in because that is what has gone before.

The truth is far more complicated but i would not
go back cannot go back only forwards, into love
into loving every day whatever it brings and the
freedom to do as i choose but ultimately it's a
feeling of reconnecting to destiny not being
a pawn in someone else's plan for us but
becoming a source of love in the world
a source of answers to the greatest
questions... like why are we here?
The journey is worth it, feels so
worth it every day despite my
ongoing reluctance to heal
the wounds i've caused
or had perpetrated
on me, to feel as
though you are
worth more
more love
more life
love
jon
x