sit well

i heard this saying "when the pain of staying the same becomes too great - you change..." and so i guess that's why i did, why i felt as though staying the same, always chasing a repeat of past glories rather than searching for new experiences was the pain of staying the same for years on end. Feeling as though although i've done what was expected of me, got a career and all the trappings, none of this is making me happy. At the same time there was a sense within me that there was more to life, that i was meant for something better, capable of so much more than I was miserably going through the motions of work eat sleep work... The solar eclipse of 2000 was imminent and i had an instinct along with so many others I had ignored over the years, that I should be there, for some reason I was drawn away from the doldrums...

I didn't go, didn't put in the effort, make plans, set things up so that I could

I didn't go, to a meditation class when I was 16 though i dearly wanted to

so many times i went with what my head or someones mouth told me to

don't rock the boat, don't look weird, don't be yourself, don't try give up

so many voices from the past, so much anger within releasing now...

back to square one again, i have explored the furthest reaches

of who i was and who i will be and who i am now and it hurt

it's still hurting, as parts of me ignored come back and grow
this journey was to find the truth outside but it's gone in
inside me all the resentment i had put on others not
realising all the while it was me who held back
who didnt say what i meant or did too much
every time i became and felt like me it
didnt sit well with teachers bosses
parents i think i prefer it when
he's miserable said jokingly?
those things stay with me
until i let them go at last
my conciousness was stretched out spread thin like too little butter on bread, i was nearly brown bread, the helpers and healers said so and
weren't sure i would come back from wherever it was i went so when
i did get back and slowly acclimatised to a much larger world and it's
still ongoing, social relationships for instance i just followed the crowd
rather than going with the flow, going with what i felt in my heart and
actually living free from all the rules and expectations i felt put under,
that i placed on myself, always the greatest of dreams no guts no ball
games allowed... I was precocious, in many ways, intelligence, wise
beyond my years and so i shrank back into myself because you didn't
like the fact that i could be so much more than you believed you could
be too. For me to stand out, grow up, learn and lose the old ways, to
finally feel like a man and in so doing show all others up for their total
lack of maturity. It's not easy to keep working and feeling blessed so,
but at least i no longer feel alone in the world, opening up again found
that this time, the first time i've ever really finally said it all, been it all,
i've finally found my friends, that they can be themselves with me now,
reveal their own secret identities and talents and powers and it's lush.

love
jon
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