mistuned radio transmitter

i can't get a signal, it's not working,nothings working.  My mouth's dry, I can't think of anything to say.  I know I should be asking, personal, questions...  I want to, need to know, all about this person and all I can think about is kissing her.  Riddled with insecurities and past nightmares involving nervous awkward attempts to string a sentence together whilst in the company of someone whose sheer presence in such close proximity only sends me into apoplexy with a strong connection and an energy that transforms me into a person I really like.  The one I should be all the time, expressing my disdain at the world, cheekily and also with a dark sense of humour and so I'm told witty, as I can't tell a joke to save my life trying to use it to make this world a better place.  Earnestly over-excitedly running my  mouth off about this or that aspect of the spiritual transformation of the planet that is occurring, energetically and using any aspect of what someone says to read the subtext and translate it back.  A mirror shows a reflection, when a person mirrors us we see our true face, from their perspective of course...  It's usually so biased as there are so many things coming into consideration all at the same time.  For others...  I really live in the moment and I am not concerned with the future when right now there's a chance for me to get over my nerves, use them as my own energy, converting it into courage.  Anyway that's all nonsense cos  well it seems silly to admit this but I went on my first date the other year.  In 2011 I was in a very fast story arch indeed, what seemed to me like 9 months was crammed into 9 days.  I don't get as fucked as other people, someone told me the other day that they'd never seen me out of it, and that's true, although there was an occasion after this ;)

Yeah at the time I had no worries, no misgivings, no thoughts of any kind other than getting on with living.

I was going to be a couple of minutes late so I sent a txt to make sure I didn't leave her hanging which I think I got away with, we talked and chatted and got on just aswell as we had the night we met too, the conversation fitted comfortably around a takeaway that we were able to eat in the pub because they didn't do food and I had some history in the Old Stillage already...

Loads of things had been going so well, comfortably fitting together nicely, new job, new local my home away from home at the Old Stillage, where I would go for a cider before heading out in Bristol. At the same time though I was also overconfident, arrogant and bullheaded, overbearing all sorts of other overs and unders going on, on a downwards slope from the greatest high of my life.

I can quite happily sit in a crowded place on my own, I'll people watch or just mess around in my head for a bit, always have had the ability to please myself and my own company is very important to me.  I do my best thinking when I'm alone, although brain storming with other people is awesome as the parts and whole become a combined powerhouse of inspiration, critical inspection and somewhere you can be free to voice your opinion without fear of sensure, just a piss taking!

My tent for instance was shit, by now a pole had snapped that meant the whole thing had a bedraggled look,somewhat I assume like I did by sunday let alone monday.  Although I slept a load this time, I'd had a tough week, I heard from others it had been for many people.  We can feel the time, the wibbly wobbly timey wimeyness of it all, the ebb and flow of the passage of it as we are swept along...

Anyways so I can't flirt with and definitely not make innuendos towards the women that I'm most attracted to, the ones I'm most drawn to,the ones I want to be best friends with let alone anything else.  My first concern is making a good impression on someone that I already know is going to be important to me.  Not in the long term as I don't think too far ahead although it's hard not to.  After all if you can't dream, you can't believe, you can't create, you can't succeed.  It's  cliche but it's true.

So I end up having a fucking drastic struggle to ensure I just keep in mind that they'd never be interested in me in a million years ;) tongue in cheek, I'm not suffering from a complete lack of self confidence but a lot of it is front, orfaking it until it's real and I'm past my inhibitions.  There's a threshold inside, the doggy shaking when you try to reprogram them from doing a thing they like but you don't...  Inside me there's a thought process and an emotional connection and reaction that causes me to panic, fight or flight, and I haven't fought in a while, I'm fucking amazing but I've reserved my bouts to those with people I really love.  Flight has been my fucking nickname, Jonny Run-Home, Forrest Walker, Jonny Gump, the list goes on.

When You change your attitude to the world, the World changes its attitude to You

Now I could have started that sentence with If, but if I had I would have linguistically committed suicide, because If's involve negative connotations, When's however are about results, about what happened, when...

So all I can do is hope that the fact I've been in one relationship nearly twenty years ago, dated someone for nine days a couple of years ago and met a few people I really like lately doesn't count for a whole lot of practise, I have a knack for saying the wrong thing, then digging myself into a giant hole, before sometimes, usually somehow, managing to climb out of it with some self respect left and not having insulted the other person too much if not turning the whole thing into the compliment it was meant to be in the first place with a load of luck and not thinking, but carrying on saying what I feel like saying.

I tell it like it is, I go on what I know.

Loved being able to be in the presence of such beauty in the past few weeks, I really enjoy the bit where I relax and manage to have fun talking to you and not getting sensory overload when my pupils dilate and my eyes dart from yours to your mouth, I need you but I'm too dammed stupid to say so.  The energy takes my breath away, I get tingles from the tip of my crown to the base of my spine, none of this is arousal as you would have it, this is a connection that goes beyond just sex.  And it is quite the same for anyone male or female although not as pronounced when I'm talking to a man as it's a familiar wavelength, women drive me haywire.  In a good way though, I wouldn't have it any other.  I can tell how much I like someone by how unable to talk to them I am, or how witless at doing the one thing I would like to, ensuring I get to spend some time alone with them or suggesting something we could do together and then seeing whether that should entail just us two or not, going through the coded bargaining process and haggling, combining thoughts and feelings to communicate where we're both feeling is the way forward.  I can't stand all the dancing around but can't get the words to that effect out, I'm a shy abrupt loud diplomatic dick  Although this isn't a hard and fast rule as I can stumble when I'm talking to anyone, all the time, I'm so far away with the pixies or off in another universe of possibilities in my mind that I often find normal day to day conversations a drag, to have to draw myself back from wherever it was I was.

That said when my focus is on you it's all yours, I'm not going to go around flirting with people in front of you, or even that interested in anyone beyond you, other than friends and people I do have fun with, there's loads of women I really enjoy having contact with and we have a close bond and the openess of knowing we can share our doubt or thought or feelings and sound someone else out or just rant and get it off our chests or have someone tell us to snap out of it and realise when we're just doing the same old thing again and messing it all up and then losing confidence and thinking and overthinking and STOP!

Make a change, stop looking at texts over and over, keep them though if they cheer you up.

Stop going through photgraphs, take a good look when they're new and when you feel like it.

Don't worry so much when you don't hear from someone, my friend said Attachment Syndrome?

It's hard  as I am able to drop people like that,not in a nasty way, but when our times up, it's not always meant to last forever, we're in each others' lives for a reason, when that's up and no others have emerged it's obvious that things have changed.  When this is about friends or whoever that's fine, when it's someone that you instantly know, more or less, that you're interested in beyond all the normal chit chat, and beyond what they look like, that's so shallow, I could be quoted but I've said before and I'll say it again, it doesn't matter what they look like if they're not a good person you're wasting your time.  The more you get to know someone the better you can tell how deep the veneer goes.  I don't have a thick skin, I stupidly act my mental age of twelfety thirty didgeridoo and for good or for bad if you still like me that's cool if not, my loss.

You see I would like to know everyone I meet or see, the ones that I click with, and more importantly the ones I don't...  The more you get to know the ones you don't, the more you can see that they are often your mirror or your fear and it becomes abundantly clear that they aren't who or what you thought they were, because nothing rarely is.

And as clear as mud is my windscreen as I just don't know what to do or say.

I'll wing it and go with my gut and my heart and my head a little for grammar and spell checking.

I don't want anything, I need what you would like to share with me and I can share with you.

It's as simple or as difficult as you want to make it, nip things in the bud or tend them.

The orchard is awash with blossom at last...  Spring has sprung into a summer

of love
Jon
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