The longest day I've had for a while, stayed up from 9ish wednesday morning until 4pm ish thursday afternoon and then slept for 16 hours, in two shifts, 9 then 7 more after waking in the dark at 1 in the morning.
Met someone who told me things I had never heard before from a real person, memories of the time I used to spend watching programs like the x-files... Thought about heading to peru with you Pip, I hope I can track you down or you somehow get in touch.
Had my palms read and to be told that I'm going to have two children made me realise the times I've let things slip through my fingers, something else you said Rosie.
I didn't realise that Ribena was made by Glaxosmithkline, their name is so small on the bottles, but the fact that there is no artificial sweetner in there was my main reason for switching and the taste too.
We have a beautiful blackcurrant bush here at home and white currants growing semi wild in the wood at the end of the orchard where the trees and shrubs have taken back the last vestiges of what must have been someones garden at one time.
I walked around the banks and ditches to the quieter side of the ring of standing stones, came across two women baring their breasts for a friend to take a quick photo.
Later going back round that loop I came across a small group, in a circle, holding hands, making prayers for the future and the present, ending with a joke to lighten the mood, and a period of singing, make whatever sound you like now, and slowly it all became a group of people singing deep and high, coming into coherence with one another, complete strangers, one dressed in a green with yellow back spikes dinosaur onesy, the melody of their voices in harmony, sending vibrations in all directions, as I stood with my head resting on a large stone and my body feeling the sound coming back and all around, a beautiful moment.
So many happy accidents and coincidences, ran into the right people at the right time, such a happy mood, a feeling of infinite possibilities, I suppose it's natural to get caught up, carried away, but at the time I was so happy, less so now, really hope to get in touch with some of those people again.
It's such a shame that people have to be fucked or at least on the way to lose their inhibitions, and later when tiredness sets in, or old habits or just some peoples natural tendency to end up behaving badly, got to me, I needed some peace and quiet, to reflect, to think about was that real? Yes it was, tantra again, in the way that most spiritual activity is immediate, not pre-meditated, We were talking about it, I tried, it worked at the time, and I know cos I wasn't doing anything else except a little of what relaxes your logical exception to accepting these things, and relaxed and in company of good people, talking openly, with no fear, sheltering from the rain, loving the Avebury feeling, the acceptance in these circumstances, we're all the same in some ways, the most important ones, love you all...
Light &
Love
Jon
x
Saturday, 23 June 2012
Thursday, 21 June 2012
Happy Summer Solstice So Mote It Be
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| Cherhill White Horse |
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| The rolling hills of Wiltshire |
Walked into Avebury as usual, past the quaint cottages, many thatched little beauties. Decided to head straight to Silbury Hill before losing the light, or the predicted weather came in.
 |
| Only noticed (or had forgotten) that the church in Avebury is called St James of ;) (patron and destination of a certain pilgrimage that I go on about a lot anyone?) |
 |
| Aha Silbury Hill I see you peeking ;) |
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| Got an U.O. on the horizon and I stopped caring about them yonks ago |
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| Ah The Red Lion, SORTED! (Lemon and Thyme chicken breast with new potatoes and dressed salad garnish yum) |
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| Where the rain shy, and others hang out |
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| Torrential rain brought out frogs, toads, slugs and snails in the lots and lots |
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| Druid guy talks about the end of time (in December) |
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| Oh so what are the white flowers growing on the barrow hill? |
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| Oxeye Daisies by the many |
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| Discovered Hi Vis Spider |
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| There ya go, back to nature? |
The buzz wasn't just from the Honey Mead, meditation in this place, the calming effect of the natural beauty of the surrounding area, all other thoughts just aren't important for the time you spend there, sending out and breathing in a loving atmosphere, or peace (at times) and joy.
Light &
Love
Jon
x
Sunday, 17 June 2012
Medication Dedication Meditation
I was addicted to things, even now as I have been away from the temptations, away from the chemicals, left addictions behind, I have smoked a few cigarettes, I have drunk a few pints of cider, ok five or six watching the england game the other night, and then regretted the cider, had a night sweat, anxiety attack, or as I see it, a time of waking early then lying there in anxious thinking mode, working my way through things, I would normally walk them off, lately I lie there, going over things.
Slowly the lack of medication in my system, the lack of pain relief from my addiction to cannabis, I feel old.
Noticing things I had assumed weren't an issue or more honestly had stopped caring about or hadn't even noticed, grey hairs where I've stopped shaving my head until it gets messy around my ears.
Nasal hairs, sense of smell returned and then not noticeable, at least I can smell the scent of jasmin and honeysuckle in the wilds of the woodland around me, I tend to stop doing the things I love like walking, although that was partly because the thoughts would come to the surface when I was out and about.
Using positive thinking, positive attitude, feeling more like that, far less stressed, so confused over the last few months, don't know why things were happening, I suppose there is an aspect of having stopped daily usage of some things, the occasional use meant it hit hard, like an ex heroine addict going back to their usual dosage and over doing it.
Now I can't seem to enjoy anything, no weed, no nicotine, no other chemicals, am I the first one on the edge of the cliff with several behind me? I see that everyone else in the music scene (psytrance) are still hitting everything hard, still out all the times, still partying.
And now I find the meditation working, can see with the lights out and my eyes closed a ball of conciousness, growing slowly, a light there within, so I can see why I must be in pain still, otherwise I would not keep trying, I would be my lazy self, give up the routines, go back to my old habits.
I would like to believe and so I will, that in front of me is a time, no a reality, when this will all make sense.
And so it will, because it must, or else it will have been for nought.
Things must move quickly from now on and I feel like they will.
Slowly getting my instincts back, finding the joy in being out in nature again, seeing things in the old way.
My eyesight is playing up, gonna have to go get a test and maybe glasses, the last of my family to do so.
Thickening toenail on the big one on my right foot, don't think it's fungal, more likely to be damage from ill fitting footwear and hard work of the last few weeks.
Getting old, feeling aches and pains like never before or were they there and were ignored or not felt so keenly?
This whole place is so perverse, still in contact, saving myself for a few times, Avebury for the solstice.
Walking holiday along the canal path in a few weeks time.
So I suppose I am still hanging in there, waiting to be happy again.
Letting and finding that the things that had come so close to the surface slowly fading into the background again.
They are there to keep me honest, drive me forward.
It's hard to know, hard to feel, finding I can spend a while, and my mind needs my attention.
I must keep quieting it down, in the past I was numbed by my pain, by my habits.
Not the same person anymore.
Doubting the validity of things, I used to have a sense of whether something agreed with my own sense, my own inate internal sense of truth.
There are so many opinions out there, so many different versions of 'the truth'.
So much of todays world is based on supposition.
So I will keep on having an open mind with the idea that with that as my guide I will see what I believe.
So I must not believe in anything too strongly, must keep being versatile.
I wake up, find it hard to get up, don't feel rested, feel lethargic, don't do things I know I should.
This way that way signposts everywhere, do they all lead to the same place eventually?
This is all written on the fly, don't spend time thinking about things.
Feel strangely stoned at times, when I haven't been near the green grass of my old homeland.
Focus, intention, try to enjoy things.
Slowly progressing, less wishing for the way things were, because as fun as it was it wasn't right.
When I finish work I just want to lay down and sleep for eternity, after a shower of course.
Humour returning, darkly ironic, some thoughts seem strangely off, did I used to have them?
Breathing, watching my breath, chanting internally, light & love, energising my system.
Do I learn Reiki? There is no scientific evidence for it though as being anything beyond placebo.
One article says this the other that another another this another that, tit for tat.
I know that I can heal, others feel what I do as clearing their aura.
I don't know about that, I instinctively touch where I should.
I massage away pain, move it from here to there and away.
Need to be around good people, maybe meditate together.
I believe that the heart is so powerful, the ancient and the new age and a newer one?
The next one? You see I don't feel I was born and so I won't die.
No disrespect to my parents, don't all children doubt they are the offspring of the ones they live with?
Wasn't I adopted? That's the feeling not necessarily the actual thinking behind a sense.
This whole place is not real, it's the outbreath not an expanding universe.
So I'll just have to play along, keep developing internally.
What I feel seems more real that what I see...
So when will I just write normally again?
Who knows...
Light &
Love
Jon
x
Slowly the lack of medication in my system, the lack of pain relief from my addiction to cannabis, I feel old.
Noticing things I had assumed weren't an issue or more honestly had stopped caring about or hadn't even noticed, grey hairs where I've stopped shaving my head until it gets messy around my ears.
Nasal hairs, sense of smell returned and then not noticeable, at least I can smell the scent of jasmin and honeysuckle in the wilds of the woodland around me, I tend to stop doing the things I love like walking, although that was partly because the thoughts would come to the surface when I was out and about.
Using positive thinking, positive attitude, feeling more like that, far less stressed, so confused over the last few months, don't know why things were happening, I suppose there is an aspect of having stopped daily usage of some things, the occasional use meant it hit hard, like an ex heroine addict going back to their usual dosage and over doing it.
Now I can't seem to enjoy anything, no weed, no nicotine, no other chemicals, am I the first one on the edge of the cliff with several behind me? I see that everyone else in the music scene (psytrance) are still hitting everything hard, still out all the times, still partying.
And now I find the meditation working, can see with the lights out and my eyes closed a ball of conciousness, growing slowly, a light there within, so I can see why I must be in pain still, otherwise I would not keep trying, I would be my lazy self, give up the routines, go back to my old habits.
I would like to believe and so I will, that in front of me is a time, no a reality, when this will all make sense.
And so it will, because it must, or else it will have been for nought.
Things must move quickly from now on and I feel like they will.
Slowly getting my instincts back, finding the joy in being out in nature again, seeing things in the old way.
My eyesight is playing up, gonna have to go get a test and maybe glasses, the last of my family to do so.
Thickening toenail on the big one on my right foot, don't think it's fungal, more likely to be damage from ill fitting footwear and hard work of the last few weeks.
Getting old, feeling aches and pains like never before or were they there and were ignored or not felt so keenly?
This whole place is so perverse, still in contact, saving myself for a few times, Avebury for the solstice.
Walking holiday along the canal path in a few weeks time.
So I suppose I am still hanging in there, waiting to be happy again.
Letting and finding that the things that had come so close to the surface slowly fading into the background again.
They are there to keep me honest, drive me forward.
It's hard to know, hard to feel, finding I can spend a while, and my mind needs my attention.
I must keep quieting it down, in the past I was numbed by my pain, by my habits.
Not the same person anymore.
Doubting the validity of things, I used to have a sense of whether something agreed with my own sense, my own inate internal sense of truth.
There are so many opinions out there, so many different versions of 'the truth'.
So much of todays world is based on supposition.
So I will keep on having an open mind with the idea that with that as my guide I will see what I believe.
So I must not believe in anything too strongly, must keep being versatile.
I wake up, find it hard to get up, don't feel rested, feel lethargic, don't do things I know I should.
This way that way signposts everywhere, do they all lead to the same place eventually?
This is all written on the fly, don't spend time thinking about things.
Feel strangely stoned at times, when I haven't been near the green grass of my old homeland.
Focus, intention, try to enjoy things.
Slowly progressing, less wishing for the way things were, because as fun as it was it wasn't right.
When I finish work I just want to lay down and sleep for eternity, after a shower of course.
Humour returning, darkly ironic, some thoughts seem strangely off, did I used to have them?
Breathing, watching my breath, chanting internally, light & love, energising my system.
Do I learn Reiki? There is no scientific evidence for it though as being anything beyond placebo.
One article says this the other that another another this another that, tit for tat.
I know that I can heal, others feel what I do as clearing their aura.
I don't know about that, I instinctively touch where I should.
I massage away pain, move it from here to there and away.
Need to be around good people, maybe meditate together.
I believe that the heart is so powerful, the ancient and the new age and a newer one?
The next one? You see I don't feel I was born and so I won't die.
No disrespect to my parents, don't all children doubt they are the offspring of the ones they live with?
Wasn't I adopted? That's the feeling not necessarily the actual thinking behind a sense.
This whole place is not real, it's the outbreath not an expanding universe.
So I'll just have to play along, keep developing internally.
What I feel seems more real that what I see...
So when will I just write normally again?
Who knows...
Light &
Love
Jon
x
Monday, 11 June 2012
One Moment in Time
Time is an arse, it doesn't exist...
A future time is not here yet, a past time is not here either...
The past is dead, the future not yet alive, now is the only moment, not in time, time is without meaning anymore.
I have known things I didn't learn until years later, I have known things that I learn't years before I was born.
Growing up ripples came through 'time' from the ancient past via intuition
Growing old ripples come back to me from a future period not reached
To know this is to feel, I shut down, I dumbed down, I closed down.
I feared more hurt and revealed old ones so deep I had forgotten, fogiven them, forgiven myself
Those wounds are still fresh now, drive me on now, forging my resolve now.
I know I will await judgement at a later date, I have waited long enough
Suffered enough, wallowed enough, given in to the pain.
Took control the only way I knew how by stopping everything,
quit everything, found myself quitting everyone too, so self centred.
So self concious, I was tempted to curl up into a ball and let the world die
Wanted at points to relive those old times, make the same promises
This life, love is not for me, I am not worthy of anything or anyone
And yet, given the same stresses, the same situations
I have pushed forward, pushed on, moved on
Cut to the chase, felt the hot breath of death on the back of my neck
I could have, have had the thought that I should have, ended it all
I have suffered psychologically, wanted to scream out, scratch out my eyes
Now recognise, seeing finally, that the end was the beginning and the end
At the lowest ebb, at the lower end of the spectrum, when everything died
When I was finally recognising and reliving those hapless days, quitting this
quitting that, losing this and that, making old mistakes, losing my sanity yes
Losing what I thought I had gained, what I was experiencing was not good
It wasn't what I thought, it was the numbing, the death throws,the violent extra time
Second half of the finest game I've ever played, everything was psychedelic, everything
I was not doing my life long habits, had grown out of many of them, I have the strength back
Am regaining my control, still there are moments, I have to work on my focus, meditating, using the time
Spending long periods on positive thinking, positive steps, cleaning up my space, my act, regrounding
Getting back my love of life, of nature, working a bit, so tired at night but then can't drop off to sleep
So I am setting some assignments, saying some affirmations, deciding on some journey statements
From now on I will sleep easily and deeply, spirit within and without, no beliefs, just faith in me
From now on, I will not suffer like I have, I will continue to work hard on everything
From now, in the now, right now, hoping, praying, saying, feeling, getting in touch
Setting my intentions like the timer on the video recorder, record the good
The bad can go fuck itself, I'm not joining in no more, had made that quite clear a long time ago
No such thing as time anyway, it's an oxymoron, there is only now
Right now, here and now, in the middle of the river, in the flow
Coincidences happening again, as much as I doubt my choices
Slowly they are coming to fruition, trusting again
Slowly believing again
Knowing it was all for good, all for the best
into context
Light &
Love
Jon
x
A future time is not here yet, a past time is not here either...
The past is dead, the future not yet alive, now is the only moment, not in time, time is without meaning anymore.
I have known things I didn't learn until years later, I have known things that I learn't years before I was born.
Growing up ripples came through 'time' from the ancient past via intuition
Growing old ripples come back to me from a future period not reached
To know this is to feel, I shut down, I dumbed down, I closed down.
I feared more hurt and revealed old ones so deep I had forgotten, fogiven them, forgiven myself
Those wounds are still fresh now, drive me on now, forging my resolve now.
I know I will await judgement at a later date, I have waited long enough
Suffered enough, wallowed enough, given in to the pain.
Took control the only way I knew how by stopping everything,
quit everything, found myself quitting everyone too, so self centred.
So self concious, I was tempted to curl up into a ball and let the world die
Wanted at points to relive those old times, make the same promises
This life, love is not for me, I am not worthy of anything or anyone
And yet, given the same stresses, the same situations
I have pushed forward, pushed on, moved on
Cut to the chase, felt the hot breath of death on the back of my neck
I could have, have had the thought that I should have, ended it all
I have suffered psychologically, wanted to scream out, scratch out my eyes
Now recognise, seeing finally, that the end was the beginning and the end
At the lowest ebb, at the lower end of the spectrum, when everything died
When I was finally recognising and reliving those hapless days, quitting this
quitting that, losing this and that, making old mistakes, losing my sanity yes
Losing what I thought I had gained, what I was experiencing was not good
It wasn't what I thought, it was the numbing, the death throws,the violent extra time
Second half of the finest game I've ever played, everything was psychedelic, everything
I was not doing my life long habits, had grown out of many of them, I have the strength back
Am regaining my control, still there are moments, I have to work on my focus, meditating, using the time
Spending long periods on positive thinking, positive steps, cleaning up my space, my act, regrounding
Getting back my love of life, of nature, working a bit, so tired at night but then can't drop off to sleep
So I am setting some assignments, saying some affirmations, deciding on some journey statements
From now on I will sleep easily and deeply, spirit within and without, no beliefs, just faith in me
From now on, I will not suffer like I have, I will continue to work hard on everything
From now, in the now, right now, hoping, praying, saying, feeling, getting in touch
Setting my intentions like the timer on the video recorder, record the good
The bad can go fuck itself, I'm not joining in no more, had made that quite clear a long time ago
No such thing as time anyway, it's an oxymoron, there is only now
Right now, here and now, in the middle of the river, in the flow
Coincidences happening again, as much as I doubt my choices
Slowly they are coming to fruition, trusting again
Slowly believing again
Knowing it was all for good, all for the best
into context
Light &
Love
Jon
x
Friday, 8 June 2012
So Fucking Miserab-Les
So concious of waste, so concious of rampant consumerism around me, the unconcious decisions that allow someone to just go out and buy shit they dont need, to talk themselves into their next purchase, 'oh whatever excuse will allow me to go buy some new shit to replace old shit that there's nothing wrong with or maybe I just don't like any more'...
So fucking miserable right now generally, lows lower highs higher, lows lows lows....
My stomach pains me constantly, stress and depression feed it's pain and it's pain feeds depression.
Let's get pizza for tea, ok my stomach says no, my attempts to be good and eat boring healthy food, ignored, scattered over with talk of if we order enough they'll deliver... All this empty talk, if you got more exercise and ate healthily instead of starving yourself in public and private and then eating lots of crap when no-one is looking and getting a gym membership. I'm ranting and raving and I don't want to hurt the people closest to me that are just living the life they think is right, or the one they would like to lead.
I don't, I wasn't on this course, I was eating healthily before I got all depressed, I had a positive attitude, a something good will always come along attitude and it did, I always walked into a job, I always found the right thing to do next. As it is I'm being slowly dragged back to that whilst my temptations are to eat junk, ice creams in the freezer, chocolate bars in the cupboard, it's like I've got the muchies and no will power, and I'm not even smoking weed to make that make sense.
Can't get my ass out into the countryside to recharge my batteries, am just able to keep doing the things I have to as I always have.
This fucking mental retardation, this psychological back-step-wards, making me so fucking able to see my misery, so fucking clearly I am the person I used to be, only I am forcing myself to use the phone, forcing myself to do things, forcing the force within, without...
So fucking miserable, I feel I've lost so much, gained well...
Reality is what I've gained by the look of it.
The reality of mortality, when I know this whole place is an illusion.
So at the same time there is the knowing coming on, the enlightenment, the being inside, not sensing externally, reaching out from inside, two things, two extremes at once.
So overwhelmed by the gaudy shops and the lack of human contact required, so many idiots on the road out for themselves driving like cunts, so many selfish bastards and in the middle there's me trying to be good, getting sucked in, YES I'LL HAVE A FUCKING PIZZA, my guts are killing me again anyway, I won't have any cider as I don't even like drinking alcohol now, the anxiety doesn't like it.
I had a good weekend, did some illicit drugs, noticed how moreish they were and just how easily I wanted to grab more and do more and just get to where I'd like to be and feel by cheating.
I felt so amazingly connected to my body, to the feeling within of energy, of dancing, trancing, and being able to join in, until you drop, and give me twenty winks, two hours rest, a little more dancing.
So I feel lost, and so concious all the time that it's killing me, and my little cunt of a shadow inside keeps saying you're a sponge, you're not contributing anything, why don't you just kill yourself?
Not that I take that seriously, it feels so lonely to be so concious all the time, I feel so low, get home, go to sleep for three hours in the middle of the day to catch up because I can't get to sleep at night, wake up early with the birds and noisy animal things, don't have the energy to wear out in the day, so low, so tired of this place, this illusion, filled with such wastes of space and time, such temptations, such lows, and so few natural highs, everything costs something, emotionally, monetarily is the worst one.
So what do I do?
Well there's no way I#m gonna top meself, the way I see it my shadow is here and is fading back inside slowly, it just keeps rearing it's head when I haven't had any sleep, I know it well, it was the feeling of hunger inside for something that I've lost, my connection to spirit, to my spirit, to my strength,to my inner reality.
And it's so tempting to just self implode, self destruct.
And yet I went out last night and did something I've never done before, I went to a spiritualist church, got a healing too, which was really nice, I'm so numb, I don't see anything in my minds eye, so disconnected, this old me in the new me's place.
This is my chance to actually make a change, become individuated, set myself apart.
I kinda want to enter a monastery, good diet, lots of exercise, disciplined routine, I'm not smoking nicotine or weed no more, I've been good, am reading up on lots of things again, trying to understand this fucked up place, hold on, let go, hold out until december, if something doesnt happen between then and now I'm gonna be so pissed off it's untrue... ;)
I'm finding this whole process so similar but much more real than ever before to the things I've gone through.
It's like becoming a teenager again only this time without the crutches, no close friends as then, the resistance to keep putting this shit on the one I have, they've got their own shit, I'm so fucking selfish, but the pain is helping, it's making me make the right choices, learn the lessons... The wind outside, I meditated, calmed my mind, calmed my thoughts, went deep inside.
I cried again last night, it was after the healling, I was sat there while my friend was receiving hers, and I grimaced, which turned to tears falling easily, and let out the pent up emotion, I haven't gone out into the woods and just screamed my head off, cos I feel so numb, not sure if there's any screams there to let out.
Using this pain, going deeper inside, got some good things going on, in a way I saw this coming, I said there were bigger challenges to face and the knowing of that scared me off, I dived out of the way of the oncoming storm, feeling so rank, so wank, no libido, just no interest in anything except learning more about ways to realise the true reality, change it, draw forth the things I would like to do, to be, change, stop moaning.
Come to terms, went back to childhood, saw myself for who I really was, am, will be.
This is shit, it really is, and the more I go on about it the more I feel like I'm creating it.
So here goes...
From today, I will keep having the attitude that everything happens for a reason.
That everything I want or need will come into my life, just ask is it right for me?
Then let the process unfold, take the steps I should take, keep trying, offering.
Keep looking, reading, learning, stop looking back, stop yearning for the old.
Those days are gone, not jealous of others' living their lives, go for it people.
I know this is for a good reason, I have to put it into context for it to work.
I have to write my own story, work out a happy ending, live both plots.
The one where I get to massage and garden, work hard in the days.
Take away pain in the evenings, not care about being a lazy cunt.
I have to keep going inside, I must know the truth, feel it be it.
There is a level of understanding called the felt prescence of direct experience...
I saw and am starting to see the truth externally, in this crazy world.
Where everything is going downhill and mental and yet sane too.
It's all going to the dogs, the cats and the mice, in whose best laid plans we surely figure slightly...
This is all written on the fly cos I just don't have the time, won't give the time to thinking anymore.
I can't do anything but be severely in the moment these days, if I find myself projecting into the future I kick my ass and stop the mind movies from playing, I try not to go over and over the past or things he said or I said, although it's almost impossible not to spend a little time echoing the recently enjoyable when the current moment can be so fucking miserable.
So gotta keep on accepting the present I've given myself...
I know it's for the best, I am slowly doing the hardest work of my life.
My instincts are coming back, I said fuck you and pushed my luck last night.
Which lead to me greedily going after a dirty burger, my shadow was hungry for grease and bun, I knew it was a mistake, I used the excuse of using main roads rather than country lanes because of the weather, which lead to me going into stroud to see if mcdonalds was open, which it wasn't but to find that out I sped through town and got flashed by a speed camera, so that's a few quid down the drain, as usual stupid thinking, stupid knowing, not going with what I knew, what I felt, so I end up being a twat and getting more reasons to have no money left, this is so difficult, life was so easy before, never felt this tricky, every second.
The last few months don't even have a proper record, my memoies are shot, no order, no time frame, the experience seems muddled, seems rough shod, seems out of context, seems queezy, my poor stomach...
There have been times in the past, when I would find an event coming up, in the social calendar, the point to point, badminton horse trials, anything that holds or held a strong historical link to my past, I would feel that age again, I would seem to look that age, get the spots, the nerves before, the loose bowels, go back in time, get all nervous despite my progress, I regress, I regret... This is the last time I can do any of that I think, I am therefore I think, that I should not do that anymore...
This time I have to push on, be, do, don't pretend, don't scew? Scue? Sque? Squew? Skew... ah thanks sis. I haven't written, haven't used my mind like this for a while, although I have been writing a lot lately, just venting this shit... I've stopped telling others what I'm feeling, cos I don't want to depress them or myself any further.
I want to experience it at the time, work with it not against it, don't want a victim mentality to emerge, don't want to label what I feel or experience, just want to use it as ammo, immunition, to gain immunity from my past, vaccinate myself, get back the faith in me, the faith in my connection to nature, to spirit, to whatever you want to call the great other... I was on a roll, my hearing was healed, it was my perspective that made me assume things go wrong as you get older, the body ages yes and I was on the way to knowing, being an ageless human, not an aging human being... I was on the way whether it was just in my mind or not. The energy of the universe, the cosmos, I need to find my way back to that, and I was getting there safely up until a point. A singularity, hilarity, the sense of humour of the cosmic giggle, stop laughing at me, laughing with me, I didn't take myself too seriously, this is hard, it's supposed to be, nothing worthwhile is easy...
Fucking typical, I will survive this period.
Energy, whatever you want to call it.
I had it, I was it, I felt it, could give it, share it, live it, love it.
Slowly ever so, I was cautious as I felt in a way that to connect was to energise the negativity, the ways in which the attitudes of those around me have always fed me, always lead me, always I was that which I was with, now I'm striving to be alone, and yet connected... Alone at last, able to go my own way, I did say I would go to hell and back if it meant bringing some people, some other lost souls with me. What a mistake to make, I'm not going anywhere but upwards from now on though, as much as the dark days are apparent, I know I'm facing the right direction, it's just slow going, just so fucking tempting to turn around and dive back down, I felt the love, got someone, some people willing to show me, give me a chance, they aren't that bad. Still have thoughts of they want to kill me, they want to hurt me, totally improper, totally imagination, sick fascination, no reality to it just my own vivid and sick imagination, my own way of making me doubt, because my trust has been misplaced in the past, I've been let down, I learnt not to trust...
Gotta keep on discerning, learning, earning, yearning, I am so tired, need some sleep, exercise, sleep.
When's that pizza here? And what about pudding? I've put on some weight.
I'm going to do some magical things when I get back from this shithole.
Light &
Love
Jon
x
So fucking miserable right now generally, lows lower highs higher, lows lows lows....
My stomach pains me constantly, stress and depression feed it's pain and it's pain feeds depression.
Let's get pizza for tea, ok my stomach says no, my attempts to be good and eat boring healthy food, ignored, scattered over with talk of if we order enough they'll deliver... All this empty talk, if you got more exercise and ate healthily instead of starving yourself in public and private and then eating lots of crap when no-one is looking and getting a gym membership. I'm ranting and raving and I don't want to hurt the people closest to me that are just living the life they think is right, or the one they would like to lead.
I don't, I wasn't on this course, I was eating healthily before I got all depressed, I had a positive attitude, a something good will always come along attitude and it did, I always walked into a job, I always found the right thing to do next. As it is I'm being slowly dragged back to that whilst my temptations are to eat junk, ice creams in the freezer, chocolate bars in the cupboard, it's like I've got the muchies and no will power, and I'm not even smoking weed to make that make sense.
Can't get my ass out into the countryside to recharge my batteries, am just able to keep doing the things I have to as I always have.
This fucking mental retardation, this psychological back-step-wards, making me so fucking able to see my misery, so fucking clearly I am the person I used to be, only I am forcing myself to use the phone, forcing myself to do things, forcing the force within, without...
So fucking miserable, I feel I've lost so much, gained well...
Reality is what I've gained by the look of it.
The reality of mortality, when I know this whole place is an illusion.
So at the same time there is the knowing coming on, the enlightenment, the being inside, not sensing externally, reaching out from inside, two things, two extremes at once.
So overwhelmed by the gaudy shops and the lack of human contact required, so many idiots on the road out for themselves driving like cunts, so many selfish bastards and in the middle there's me trying to be good, getting sucked in, YES I'LL HAVE A FUCKING PIZZA, my guts are killing me again anyway, I won't have any cider as I don't even like drinking alcohol now, the anxiety doesn't like it.
I had a good weekend, did some illicit drugs, noticed how moreish they were and just how easily I wanted to grab more and do more and just get to where I'd like to be and feel by cheating.
I felt so amazingly connected to my body, to the feeling within of energy, of dancing, trancing, and being able to join in, until you drop, and give me twenty winks, two hours rest, a little more dancing.
So I feel lost, and so concious all the time that it's killing me, and my little cunt of a shadow inside keeps saying you're a sponge, you're not contributing anything, why don't you just kill yourself?
Not that I take that seriously, it feels so lonely to be so concious all the time, I feel so low, get home, go to sleep for three hours in the middle of the day to catch up because I can't get to sleep at night, wake up early with the birds and noisy animal things, don't have the energy to wear out in the day, so low, so tired of this place, this illusion, filled with such wastes of space and time, such temptations, such lows, and so few natural highs, everything costs something, emotionally, monetarily is the worst one.
So what do I do?
Well there's no way I#m gonna top meself, the way I see it my shadow is here and is fading back inside slowly, it just keeps rearing it's head when I haven't had any sleep, I know it well, it was the feeling of hunger inside for something that I've lost, my connection to spirit, to my spirit, to my strength,to my inner reality.
And it's so tempting to just self implode, self destruct.
And yet I went out last night and did something I've never done before, I went to a spiritualist church, got a healing too, which was really nice, I'm so numb, I don't see anything in my minds eye, so disconnected, this old me in the new me's place.
This is my chance to actually make a change, become individuated, set myself apart.
I kinda want to enter a monastery, good diet, lots of exercise, disciplined routine, I'm not smoking nicotine or weed no more, I've been good, am reading up on lots of things again, trying to understand this fucked up place, hold on, let go, hold out until december, if something doesnt happen between then and now I'm gonna be so pissed off it's untrue... ;)
I'm finding this whole process so similar but much more real than ever before to the things I've gone through.
It's like becoming a teenager again only this time without the crutches, no close friends as then, the resistance to keep putting this shit on the one I have, they've got their own shit, I'm so fucking selfish, but the pain is helping, it's making me make the right choices, learn the lessons... The wind outside, I meditated, calmed my mind, calmed my thoughts, went deep inside.
I cried again last night, it was after the healling, I was sat there while my friend was receiving hers, and I grimaced, which turned to tears falling easily, and let out the pent up emotion, I haven't gone out into the woods and just screamed my head off, cos I feel so numb, not sure if there's any screams there to let out.
Using this pain, going deeper inside, got some good things going on, in a way I saw this coming, I said there were bigger challenges to face and the knowing of that scared me off, I dived out of the way of the oncoming storm, feeling so rank, so wank, no libido, just no interest in anything except learning more about ways to realise the true reality, change it, draw forth the things I would like to do, to be, change, stop moaning.
Come to terms, went back to childhood, saw myself for who I really was, am, will be.
This is shit, it really is, and the more I go on about it the more I feel like I'm creating it.
So here goes...
From today, I will keep having the attitude that everything happens for a reason.
That everything I want or need will come into my life, just ask is it right for me?
Then let the process unfold, take the steps I should take, keep trying, offering.
Keep looking, reading, learning, stop looking back, stop yearning for the old.
Those days are gone, not jealous of others' living their lives, go for it people.
I know this is for a good reason, I have to put it into context for it to work.
I have to write my own story, work out a happy ending, live both plots.
The one where I get to massage and garden, work hard in the days.
Take away pain in the evenings, not care about being a lazy cunt.
I have to keep going inside, I must know the truth, feel it be it.
There is a level of understanding called the felt prescence of direct experience...
I saw and am starting to see the truth externally, in this crazy world.
Where everything is going downhill and mental and yet sane too.
It's all going to the dogs, the cats and the mice, in whose best laid plans we surely figure slightly...
This is all written on the fly cos I just don't have the time, won't give the time to thinking anymore.
I can't do anything but be severely in the moment these days, if I find myself projecting into the future I kick my ass and stop the mind movies from playing, I try not to go over and over the past or things he said or I said, although it's almost impossible not to spend a little time echoing the recently enjoyable when the current moment can be so fucking miserable.
So gotta keep on accepting the present I've given myself...
I know it's for the best, I am slowly doing the hardest work of my life.
My instincts are coming back, I said fuck you and pushed my luck last night.
Which lead to me greedily going after a dirty burger, my shadow was hungry for grease and bun, I knew it was a mistake, I used the excuse of using main roads rather than country lanes because of the weather, which lead to me going into stroud to see if mcdonalds was open, which it wasn't but to find that out I sped through town and got flashed by a speed camera, so that's a few quid down the drain, as usual stupid thinking, stupid knowing, not going with what I knew, what I felt, so I end up being a twat and getting more reasons to have no money left, this is so difficult, life was so easy before, never felt this tricky, every second.
The last few months don't even have a proper record, my memoies are shot, no order, no time frame, the experience seems muddled, seems rough shod, seems out of context, seems queezy, my poor stomach...
There have been times in the past, when I would find an event coming up, in the social calendar, the point to point, badminton horse trials, anything that holds or held a strong historical link to my past, I would feel that age again, I would seem to look that age, get the spots, the nerves before, the loose bowels, go back in time, get all nervous despite my progress, I regress, I regret... This is the last time I can do any of that I think, I am therefore I think, that I should not do that anymore...
This time I have to push on, be, do, don't pretend, don't scew? Scue? Sque? Squew? Skew... ah thanks sis. I haven't written, haven't used my mind like this for a while, although I have been writing a lot lately, just venting this shit... I've stopped telling others what I'm feeling, cos I don't want to depress them or myself any further.
I want to experience it at the time, work with it not against it, don't want a victim mentality to emerge, don't want to label what I feel or experience, just want to use it as ammo, immunition, to gain immunity from my past, vaccinate myself, get back the faith in me, the faith in my connection to nature, to spirit, to whatever you want to call the great other... I was on a roll, my hearing was healed, it was my perspective that made me assume things go wrong as you get older, the body ages yes and I was on the way to knowing, being an ageless human, not an aging human being... I was on the way whether it was just in my mind or not. The energy of the universe, the cosmos, I need to find my way back to that, and I was getting there safely up until a point. A singularity, hilarity, the sense of humour of the cosmic giggle, stop laughing at me, laughing with me, I didn't take myself too seriously, this is hard, it's supposed to be, nothing worthwhile is easy...
Fucking typical, I will survive this period.
Energy, whatever you want to call it.
I had it, I was it, I felt it, could give it, share it, live it, love it.
Slowly ever so, I was cautious as I felt in a way that to connect was to energise the negativity, the ways in which the attitudes of those around me have always fed me, always lead me, always I was that which I was with, now I'm striving to be alone, and yet connected... Alone at last, able to go my own way, I did say I would go to hell and back if it meant bringing some people, some other lost souls with me. What a mistake to make, I'm not going anywhere but upwards from now on though, as much as the dark days are apparent, I know I'm facing the right direction, it's just slow going, just so fucking tempting to turn around and dive back down, I felt the love, got someone, some people willing to show me, give me a chance, they aren't that bad. Still have thoughts of they want to kill me, they want to hurt me, totally improper, totally imagination, sick fascination, no reality to it just my own vivid and sick imagination, my own way of making me doubt, because my trust has been misplaced in the past, I've been let down, I learnt not to trust...
Gotta keep on discerning, learning, earning, yearning, I am so tired, need some sleep, exercise, sleep.
When's that pizza here? And what about pudding? I've put on some weight.
I'm going to do some magical things when I get back from this shithole.
Light &
Love
Jon
x
Tuesday, 5 June 2012
Lest we forget
Memories are hard to come by... Can't seem to piece it all together, although I do now have some peace, and feel more together ;)
Looking back through photo albums and captains log (blog) entries I'm finding my ship was indeed wayward sailing, at times at the behest of the wild wind that blew through my skull, at times just in the doldrums most recently... Bereft of a breeze, no energy or faith that the gust would drive me on,just fear that the wind was gone from my sails forever. Everything so real and yet unreal at the same time.
Periods of darkness and despair unlike any I've felt before and so flipping harsh, if it was all just anxiety then that was so utterly terrifying at times that I can see how difficult it is to cope with and have gained a new found respect for everyone and anyone who has anything to deal with, for me it felt like I was going totally crazy.
I don't doubt that there are aspects of things I said or did that appeared exactly that...
Psychotic, bewildering, lovely, awesome, awful, de-light-ful...
So the photos of trips I took, the comments wrote, the blog entries that made or make no sense to this day to me, just seem like the utterances of someone in dire need of a shoulder to cry on, someone lost in their own steep learning curve, someone capable of almost anything internally who externally did no-one no harm, imagined or real... I didn't hurt anyone but myself, if reading or being on the receiving end of hurtful gossip doesn't count. Maybe I scared some people, so rather than do anything they ignored, turned a blind eye, left me to my own devices, except a boss who I regret turning on and would like to apologise to, a couple of parents (mine) who intervened but were still ignored as I was still as far as I knew fine to all intents and purposes, until afterwards when others comments seaped within and touched me deep, until I started to doubt myself, until I started to question, look at what and where and who and why and when and huh? Wondering am I?
Are they right? Should I? What should I?
Finding I turned on myself, my psyche finally giving up on me, and turning nasty in the process.
Bad thoughts and feelings about me and others, doubting their sincerity, doubting my sanity...
Now I feel mostly ok with some hints and achey breaky heartfelt pangs of injustice,
the vagueness inside is still there like a scar, the feelings of mental images not the picture
I keep remembering, and bringing it back to mind, but it's not as real no more
I'm ploughing through even more books, doing the daily routines again.
Finding I don't have the strength or resilience I once did, maybe that was a fine line that I had crossed.
Pushed too hard and too fast as usual maybe,
all the years of smoking toking, head throbbing, numbing, finally succombing, my heads much better now.
The occasional seems ok at last, nothing too heavy.
Reading stuff to garner some hints n tips.
Going to feel my way through from now.
Working on me, not the world as much.
Can't keep spreading myself so thinly.
Don't want to disappoint but there's a new strength within.
The ability to say no, that outspoken guy is still here but won't pick a fight with idiots no more.
Don't want to keep butting heads with egos that don't listen and can't act from a place of learning.
Some people aren't themselves when you try to raise issues with them, it's their conditioned responses.
So I've got to pick my fights, finding that I can cope as I've been tested so well, my own innerds kicked
my ass so hard into next week and last week and yesterday and today and tomorrow that I've been all
over the place, searching for meaning, searching for memories, searching for a sticking post to anchor.
It's me, anchorred now within and without.
There are certain magical things happening again
Coincidences, some traps being set for my footsies.
Gotta keep my wits about me, and not use them just to keep others at arms length.
Lots of chances, I want to go to nepal and learn massage and teach english so maybe I will
I want to walk 500 miles again in Spain from the French Pyrenees to the west coast of europe.
So maybe I will, when I don't know, no need to be hard and fast when everything is up for grabs.
For the moment, content to be alive, happi-er than I was, capable of living with myself for periods.
Capable of being myself without worrying, doing those things I would have let make me so nervous.
Got some strength back, some of the confidence that was a front, the storm front of my journey last year.
The front, not cold, a warm front, that came from within the stormiest 8-10 hours of my life at Waveform.
That day was my end and my beginning, all the stuff I'd learnt, felt, experienced up until then put into shade.
Now I can feel again, I can work again, but within limits, I know I'm not a superhuman anymore, not yet.
Maybe there is some wiggle room in the future, but for now I am happy to just cope, just be, sleep in.
Eat well, sleep well, work hard when I can, do the right things, learn from my mistakes, not make them again.
Rewrite my own story, put it all into context, as bad things happening for good reasons
Light &
Love
Jon
x
Looking back through photo albums and captains log (blog) entries I'm finding my ship was indeed wayward sailing, at times at the behest of the wild wind that blew through my skull, at times just in the doldrums most recently... Bereft of a breeze, no energy or faith that the gust would drive me on,just fear that the wind was gone from my sails forever. Everything so real and yet unreal at the same time.
Periods of darkness and despair unlike any I've felt before and so flipping harsh, if it was all just anxiety then that was so utterly terrifying at times that I can see how difficult it is to cope with and have gained a new found respect for everyone and anyone who has anything to deal with, for me it felt like I was going totally crazy.
I don't doubt that there are aspects of things I said or did that appeared exactly that...
Psychotic, bewildering, lovely, awesome, awful, de-light-ful...
So the photos of trips I took, the comments wrote, the blog entries that made or make no sense to this day to me, just seem like the utterances of someone in dire need of a shoulder to cry on, someone lost in their own steep learning curve, someone capable of almost anything internally who externally did no-one no harm, imagined or real... I didn't hurt anyone but myself, if reading or being on the receiving end of hurtful gossip doesn't count. Maybe I scared some people, so rather than do anything they ignored, turned a blind eye, left me to my own devices, except a boss who I regret turning on and would like to apologise to, a couple of parents (mine) who intervened but were still ignored as I was still as far as I knew fine to all intents and purposes, until afterwards when others comments seaped within and touched me deep, until I started to doubt myself, until I started to question, look at what and where and who and why and when and huh? Wondering am I?
Are they right? Should I? What should I?
Finding I turned on myself, my psyche finally giving up on me, and turning nasty in the process.
Bad thoughts and feelings about me and others, doubting their sincerity, doubting my sanity...
Now I feel mostly ok with some hints and achey breaky heartfelt pangs of injustice,
the vagueness inside is still there like a scar, the feelings of mental images not the picture
I keep remembering, and bringing it back to mind, but it's not as real no more
I'm ploughing through even more books, doing the daily routines again.
Finding I don't have the strength or resilience I once did, maybe that was a fine line that I had crossed.
Pushed too hard and too fast as usual maybe,
all the years of smoking toking, head throbbing, numbing, finally succombing, my heads much better now.
The occasional seems ok at last, nothing too heavy.
Reading stuff to garner some hints n tips.
Going to feel my way through from now.
Working on me, not the world as much.
Can't keep spreading myself so thinly.
Don't want to disappoint but there's a new strength within.
The ability to say no, that outspoken guy is still here but won't pick a fight with idiots no more.
Don't want to keep butting heads with egos that don't listen and can't act from a place of learning.
Some people aren't themselves when you try to raise issues with them, it's their conditioned responses.
So I've got to pick my fights, finding that I can cope as I've been tested so well, my own innerds kicked
my ass so hard into next week and last week and yesterday and today and tomorrow that I've been all
over the place, searching for meaning, searching for memories, searching for a sticking post to anchor.
It's me, anchorred now within and without.
There are certain magical things happening again
Coincidences, some traps being set for my footsies.
Gotta keep my wits about me, and not use them just to keep others at arms length.
Lots of chances, I want to go to nepal and learn massage and teach english so maybe I will
I want to walk 500 miles again in Spain from the French Pyrenees to the west coast of europe.
So maybe I will, when I don't know, no need to be hard and fast when everything is up for grabs.
For the moment, content to be alive, happi-er than I was, capable of living with myself for periods.
Capable of being myself without worrying, doing those things I would have let make me so nervous.
Got some strength back, some of the confidence that was a front, the storm front of my journey last year.
The front, not cold, a warm front, that came from within the stormiest 8-10 hours of my life at Waveform.
That day was my end and my beginning, all the stuff I'd learnt, felt, experienced up until then put into shade.
Now I can feel again, I can work again, but within limits, I know I'm not a superhuman anymore, not yet.
Maybe there is some wiggle room in the future, but for now I am happy to just cope, just be, sleep in.
Eat well, sleep well, work hard when I can, do the right things, learn from my mistakes, not make them again.
Rewrite my own story, put it all into context, as bad things happening for good reasons
Light &
Love
Jon
x
Monday, 4 June 2012
At a moments noticed
I often lived in the moment, if something happened yesterday, I wouldn't be too keen to discuss it, go over it again. Often would create a script, the same story gets retold to save me having to think or relive it. That's a fraud, the story you tell of something that has already been, is just a view, just a perspective, from where you saw it from...
Having had some pretty fucking awful moments lately, living in those at the time was fucking unbareable, I suppose it's the great thing, worst thing about that kind of life. Living and dying to the great and wonderful to the same extent. Seemingly getting better, finding it hard to relax into the things I just did without too much thought. I still can't work out the whys and the wherefores, I can't work it out, can't find the solution, the cause of all causes. I still don't, won't probably ever really know, was it a combination of things?
A wakeup call? A failing in my own perspective? Was it inevitable that I would fall so far?
I have a lifetime of negative thinking, a long period of never expecting good things, not being disappointed in that way, just rolling with the punches, getting by, doing whatever came along, not searching out the things I'd like.
I fell from a long way up, lost a lot of good feelings, lost a lot of confidence in me, them, us, everything.
The strange combination of times are all alive now, the bad, the good, the ugly, the dank.
Temptation is there to carry on as before, good temptations are less appealing, mean hard work now...
Good times later.
Temptation, elation, expectation... Working, not experiencing such terrible anxiousness in the morning.
More faith in me, less stress, finding that silence, the peace within, finding the way to it, silencing the doubts.
Got such a good feeling the other night, conversing with a friend, someone I don't know well, but we just talked and talked online, in that way that face to face makes difficult sometimes, inhibitions gone, I do that a lot and so so miss having close friends to talk to like that, especially with females, but males too if their not stuck within gender roles or open to that, I don't discriminate... I'm non gender specific...
I can be whatever, wherever, whoever, finding my feet, not wondering, not caring, just being.
The weekend was so much fun, Saturday picking up three complete strangers at Gloucester station.
Getting to the party site and meeting friends as they arrived.
There is still a lot of inhibition without a little or a lot of help.
Making smile, laughing, smiling, dancing, stomping, stripping haha I can't help myself I love having my top off and just pounding the floor with my feet, so much better than a sopping wet tshirt clinging to my sweaty skin, bouncing, changing, running off to find something lost, running back and forth, is there better music over there? Where is he, where is she, are you ok? Spend some money, be generous, do something nice, spread the wealth, feel addicted to somethings, be careful, don't get sucked in, don't do that, can I do that?
Testing if I'm better, yes I am, no I'm not, little tests here little tests there, how do I feel about this, that, them?
Feeling ok, knowing I will have to give up again, knowing I can have a ltitle of what I like but could so easily get sucked back in again, had so much fun though, felt like with drink it's tiring, had drunk all afternoon, stay awake, keep dancing, a little but don't be too upset when there's no more, hey you!
So many happy faces, so much going on, massage here, bum feel there, thanks for that, you have a fine ass, and thanks for putting it in my hands, healing there, another, giving energy in my mind that's what I'm doing, sending vibes, sending intentions good ones, good vibrations...
You felt it as something positive, that was the intention, I don't feel it, maybe a little heat in my hand.
Someone said I should learn to do reiki, that wud heal me, I like the feeling of relaxation, not sure I feel anything beyond that as such. So much resistance within me at times, so much is buried so deep, where it can only be accessed by great hurt or help... I've put so much aside, kept it so well hidden, your smile works its magic, poking out my tongue at you cheeky, loving the chance to just be, dance, shake, wake up inside, feel something good all over, naturally mind you, a few balloons, now some rest for a few weeks, summer solstice at avebury coming up, nothing else planned, not going out as much, no great rush to push for a permanent job, be careful, in the past I've taken risks too soon, been all or nothing so often.
Take my time is so fucking hard, I like to rush in, like fools do, been such a joker, a fool, a tool, of my own demise, cos that's how you act in the moment, you just act without thinking, and when I'm in the good place, not thinking isn't a problem, when i'm in a bad place, thinking at all is the problem, thinking thinking, takes over.
The memory of some thoughts, some imagery, still present,still fading, recent adaptation, recent addition to the cannon of things I'd rather forget. Working that way, finding that the weekend made me forget everything, in the now it's not there, when I think about returning home, the negative association, connection is there again, back here, it's back here in my mind, vague but present, darn it, stupid thoughts and associations again, lack of sleep? lack of strength within? something weak within me? something strong without? Is it me? Did I break through into somewhere? All I can do is keep going, keep plugging on, keep being good, sleep well, eat well, healthy mind body soul spirit...
Mentally, physically, symbolically, spiritually...
Lovely people, lovely place, love was in the air
I felt it deep within me, sent it around, breathed it in, and out again
Sent it out, hugged it back, hugged everyone in my mind, visualising, sending out love bombs.
Someone called me the magic man, that was what Aletche called me, I found it ok, it suited me at the time
And someone I don't think new her, or new that called me it again, I felt like that again, I was almost there.
I am a mix of all of the things and people I've ever been, feeling like a can banish the bad and if not ignore it until it goes away and just keep on restoring my faith in others and myself, keep on testing, I believed in the magic of saying yes, picked up those strangers who are fast friends now, started doing some of the things I was last year, still working hard on myself, trying not to let others create problems, not let their take on things affect my way of giving things a certain je ne cest quoi... I do not know what it is but it's growing again
Still going deeper, looking harder, or is that relaxing into the quest, just do the things that feel right, do the things that work, keep on doing the things that should lead somewhere good and don't judge the journey or destination, adding in things I'm still learning, still yearning for unconditional love, still finding others are or can be a little twisted, a little confused by it, by the fact I don't want anything they don't want to give, I'm not a taker, I expect to be offered, so I don't often get what I need but whatever it is I do find, I'm happy with.
I'm not greedy, any more much, not stressed, not grabbing...
But I can feel it inside, the way I would, the temptation.
Go back to the old ways, the old me, no I don't, I won't, I don't think so, I think not, not thinking, feeling now.
No more numbness, searching out feeling...
The core, not the talk, not walking the walk, the core, the depths, the deep, the hidden self
Who I am, what I am, when I am, finished I'll be ok...
I'm not done, we're not ready yet
Still work in progress
Work work work
Harder hard
Relax but not too much
I don't like to lose my way
Love
Jon
X
Having had some pretty fucking awful moments lately, living in those at the time was fucking unbareable, I suppose it's the great thing, worst thing about that kind of life. Living and dying to the great and wonderful to the same extent. Seemingly getting better, finding it hard to relax into the things I just did without too much thought. I still can't work out the whys and the wherefores, I can't work it out, can't find the solution, the cause of all causes. I still don't, won't probably ever really know, was it a combination of things?
A wakeup call? A failing in my own perspective? Was it inevitable that I would fall so far?
I have a lifetime of negative thinking, a long period of never expecting good things, not being disappointed in that way, just rolling with the punches, getting by, doing whatever came along, not searching out the things I'd like.
I fell from a long way up, lost a lot of good feelings, lost a lot of confidence in me, them, us, everything.
The strange combination of times are all alive now, the bad, the good, the ugly, the dank.
Temptation is there to carry on as before, good temptations are less appealing, mean hard work now...
Good times later.
Temptation, elation, expectation... Working, not experiencing such terrible anxiousness in the morning.
More faith in me, less stress, finding that silence, the peace within, finding the way to it, silencing the doubts.
Got such a good feeling the other night, conversing with a friend, someone I don't know well, but we just talked and talked online, in that way that face to face makes difficult sometimes, inhibitions gone, I do that a lot and so so miss having close friends to talk to like that, especially with females, but males too if their not stuck within gender roles or open to that, I don't discriminate... I'm non gender specific...
I can be whatever, wherever, whoever, finding my feet, not wondering, not caring, just being.
The weekend was so much fun, Saturday picking up three complete strangers at Gloucester station.
Getting to the party site and meeting friends as they arrived.
There is still a lot of inhibition without a little or a lot of help.
Making smile, laughing, smiling, dancing, stomping, stripping haha I can't help myself I love having my top off and just pounding the floor with my feet, so much better than a sopping wet tshirt clinging to my sweaty skin, bouncing, changing, running off to find something lost, running back and forth, is there better music over there? Where is he, where is she, are you ok? Spend some money, be generous, do something nice, spread the wealth, feel addicted to somethings, be careful, don't get sucked in, don't do that, can I do that?
Testing if I'm better, yes I am, no I'm not, little tests here little tests there, how do I feel about this, that, them?
Feeling ok, knowing I will have to give up again, knowing I can have a ltitle of what I like but could so easily get sucked back in again, had so much fun though, felt like with drink it's tiring, had drunk all afternoon, stay awake, keep dancing, a little but don't be too upset when there's no more, hey you!
So many happy faces, so much going on, massage here, bum feel there, thanks for that, you have a fine ass, and thanks for putting it in my hands, healing there, another, giving energy in my mind that's what I'm doing, sending vibes, sending intentions good ones, good vibrations...
You felt it as something positive, that was the intention, I don't feel it, maybe a little heat in my hand.
Someone said I should learn to do reiki, that wud heal me, I like the feeling of relaxation, not sure I feel anything beyond that as such. So much resistance within me at times, so much is buried so deep, where it can only be accessed by great hurt or help... I've put so much aside, kept it so well hidden, your smile works its magic, poking out my tongue at you cheeky, loving the chance to just be, dance, shake, wake up inside, feel something good all over, naturally mind you, a few balloons, now some rest for a few weeks, summer solstice at avebury coming up, nothing else planned, not going out as much, no great rush to push for a permanent job, be careful, in the past I've taken risks too soon, been all or nothing so often.
Take my time is so fucking hard, I like to rush in, like fools do, been such a joker, a fool, a tool, of my own demise, cos that's how you act in the moment, you just act without thinking, and when I'm in the good place, not thinking isn't a problem, when i'm in a bad place, thinking at all is the problem, thinking thinking, takes over.
The memory of some thoughts, some imagery, still present,still fading, recent adaptation, recent addition to the cannon of things I'd rather forget. Working that way, finding that the weekend made me forget everything, in the now it's not there, when I think about returning home, the negative association, connection is there again, back here, it's back here in my mind, vague but present, darn it, stupid thoughts and associations again, lack of sleep? lack of strength within? something weak within me? something strong without? Is it me? Did I break through into somewhere? All I can do is keep going, keep plugging on, keep being good, sleep well, eat well, healthy mind body soul spirit...
Mentally, physically, symbolically, spiritually...
Lovely people, lovely place, love was in the air
I felt it deep within me, sent it around, breathed it in, and out again
Sent it out, hugged it back, hugged everyone in my mind, visualising, sending out love bombs.
Someone called me the magic man, that was what Aletche called me, I found it ok, it suited me at the time
And someone I don't think new her, or new that called me it again, I felt like that again, I was almost there.
I am a mix of all of the things and people I've ever been, feeling like a can banish the bad and if not ignore it until it goes away and just keep on restoring my faith in others and myself, keep on testing, I believed in the magic of saying yes, picked up those strangers who are fast friends now, started doing some of the things I was last year, still working hard on myself, trying not to let others create problems, not let their take on things affect my way of giving things a certain je ne cest quoi... I do not know what it is but it's growing again
Still going deeper, looking harder, or is that relaxing into the quest, just do the things that feel right, do the things that work, keep on doing the things that should lead somewhere good and don't judge the journey or destination, adding in things I'm still learning, still yearning for unconditional love, still finding others are or can be a little twisted, a little confused by it, by the fact I don't want anything they don't want to give, I'm not a taker, I expect to be offered, so I don't often get what I need but whatever it is I do find, I'm happy with.
I'm not greedy, any more much, not stressed, not grabbing...
But I can feel it inside, the way I would, the temptation.
Go back to the old ways, the old me, no I don't, I won't, I don't think so, I think not, not thinking, feeling now.
No more numbness, searching out feeling...
The core, not the talk, not walking the walk, the core, the depths, the deep, the hidden self
Who I am, what I am, when I am, finished I'll be ok...
I'm not done, we're not ready yet
Still work in progress
Work work work
Harder hard
Relax but not too much
I don't like to lose my way
Love
Jon
X
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