the body

the last time i was here i went to the doc cos i'd been peeing a lot, i quit the fags, cigarettes, was eating more, and yes i was pissing a lot, and noticed, became concious of all the little normal things that mostly i guess, go unnoticed, or maybe other folks notice them a lot but don't say, like the way that they think about what they would like for tea, their evening meal that evening, whilst it's already only morning, or day, that way seems funny to me, cos I guess I feel like I ought to choose what's already here, what needs using up, what i can pick from nature, if the fancy takes ya, or me, in this case im writing cos it's my way of getting into a flow, i don't juggle anymore, because i wasn't any good and don't have the balls, literally, but hey, a few times lately i had the guts to do some new things, entered into a lighthearted, world book day, poetry reading competition, that didn't happen, it was called off, like my love life, haha, hehe, i don't mind and never, ever give me sympathy, i don't ask for it, i don't want it, i'm never fishing for compliments, the only jokes i say, are the ones i make up which are terrible, puns, usually, i can never remember the punchlines of the things you consider jokes, i get sidetracked too easily, everything you say, inspires me, or reminds me of something.

i had such sharp pains in the feet, stabbing so hard and painfully that i thought i would cry out, but i dare not.

At the time, this time, they were people being hurt, or hurting themselves to hurt me as though a doll.

As though someone had one of those dolls that has my hair, or whatever you care to call them.

Most of the things that have a negative connotation can be used for good, like money.

I don't, I usually get rid of it when i can, as soon as i can, just whatever i need.

The rest is frittered, given away, oh that would be nice for me, possibly, others, a gift for someone i love, care about, but let's face it, i'm useless at considering what their needs are, so it's impulse buys, oh that reminds me, I'm trying to go through the things I really said, knew, wished i would do, clearing out.

The clothes came and went, i got rid of things, based on my character at the time, i have some missing.

I have time missing when i used to get drunk and then black out, i hope nothing too embarrassing.

During my recent archaeological dig within myself it came to my attention about this.

Maybe i was a bit of a mister grabby hands, with  women, for instance they say that some people are happy drunks, some people are not, i wondered whether i was the kind of person to become whoever they really are deep inside when drunk, does it accentuate what we really are, when inhibitions are gone or not though?

Things people say when they've had a few, i tend to take things said to heart, wonder about them, so did they mean this or that, find myself musing on whether they were being good to me or just honest or saying something very deep and meaningful, like you changed.  Does that mean they noticed i changed my clothes?

Are they saying I've changed as a person, since a few years ago, months ago, last week, last minute?

Cos I have, I'm being scared enough not to let myself get talked into certain situations, i was tired.

That helped keep me out of trouble, but good trouble mind you, a free party was on yesterday.

I would have dearly loved to see, hear a friend play his music, and dance to it overnight.

But hey, I've been there before, maybe i will again, I supported my dj friends.

I'm not going to be listing the good things I've done, i'm no jedi knight.

But neither am I going to deny myself the chance to be honest.

Empathy, was i crying for you or me that time recently?

I have to ask the question and i'd broken through.

Or at least it seemed to me I had, very, VERY.

Like broken through to a place within, inside me, that contained, a fantasy, an imagined version of a person, people, conversations with what I took to be people I've really met in real life who are friends, in my mind I was spending hours, chatting them up, conversing, getting to know one another, making wedding vows, singing songs, making them up on the fly, this one is a country and western love song for you my dear.

So whatever the scope of actual truth, the his-story, my perspective, it was fun and ghastly to realise that what i acted upon in the real world, if what is outside of us is really more real than our dreams, we see it, whereas our eyes are closed when we consider ourselves to be dreaming, unless we're day dreaming, no?

You see the boundary was becoming so unclear, i wrote i am lucid on my hands, to make it less so daily.

TO give myself a chance to see my hands within a nightly dream and i've got them back occasionally.

I will go back to the habits, now that I've got more time and conciousness to do so, check reality.

Check into lucidity, sleep is all important, not going out, staying awake for days, on drugs.

Really gives me, that and my vacant social life, just me and home, and dogs, company.

The company of the earth under my feet, barely, bare, touching soil and grass.

Daily ritual, eating break fast, breaking the overeating now i'm working.

Being hard on my self, choosing which to be, not the one who thinks it's allright to eat whatever i like all the time, but then I had started such good habits, i would say it's a neverending story like a river flowing, the way we're going, at this rate, changing, always changing, but somethings remain, we need to be consistent, that's not really my way, until i have to, when i need to, I can do it for others, will i do so for myself, hmm, did I catch this lack of self esteem, this lack of actually liking me, from others, i won't blame anyone but me.

I refuse to accept that anyone else can, could, should, i won't go there although i'm tempted to, judgemental little fucker, who shouldn't ever write when under the influence, of anything other than providence, luck, shucks, the rhyming isn't coming so cleanly, through me like it was but it's gotten to the point that it's a skill, I could test it out, but probably won't, i could have written will, i like it, the ways the connection get made, randomly, word associations, in my brain, i see a cat I think of those i know, knew, i went on the dodgems.

Just for old times sake, i ate cheese to soak up alcohol at the places where they want to sell you things.

You see i've been at a world famous, if you like that sort of thing, event, with horses, and women.

Lots of people, generally and those aspects of me that I don't like, illness, whatever you wish.

To call it, were gone, I recognised them for what they were, a mixture of confusion, interest.

I'm stumped here, my body calling on me to piss, holding it in, never waking for a wee.

Never wishing to disturb anybody, listening to my whole self internally again now.

Quitting smoking things really puts things into perspective and opens them up.

Time seems to suddenly open up too, there's so much more of it with nothing to do unless you can get off your ass, connect with someone, do the things I've always wished to do, go it alone in the wilderness, or learn how to from others, it's on this list i'm making of things to do with this life i've been given back for just such things, sailing i would like to try that at least once before i die, when the world was ending twenty twelve it was make love once before i die, obviously that meant loving someone, i wonder why i thought that having been on a rebuilding exercise for so many years, just going out to be friendly, not make enemies, but not looking for someone special because i was so scared to get close and go overboard again, overreaching, filling in the gaps between what you said and what i heard, imagining it all going wrong or right, thinking you mean that you would like to be one thing, something i would adore but terrifies me at the same time...

Oh dear, neurotics anonymous this is not, i wonder how many men have a mind like this or do they just stuff all these thoughts onto some kind of back burner where all their emotions are well hidden in the depths of their being, apart from hate and love, apart from being horny and happy, or angry and violently so, isn't that all they have as a range of emotions, going on, i know that's not true but others might say that of them which is wrong, but men lie to themselves and each other all the time, or they did, until it was ok to open up, leave the stiff upper lip behind in the past where it belonged, or was seen to be needed, the aristocracy well they're becoming as inbred and useless as the dalmation, the alsation and the rest of the kennel club, crufts this is not.  The human race isn't a pedigree dog, this planet is ruined, the air toxic, the water full of microbeeds and chlorine, that i allow to evaporate before i take a bottle of it to work, those hippies said that drinking spring water makes a world of difference and again it's one of those things that little ol' me finds hard to live with.

All the ways which each person could be feeling very different to how they do now, more connected, less affected by the disparity in this place, between the environment we live in and the one inside us all, people.

I'm going to go to be now and maybe continue this as a later date as others are sleeping and my body clock.

Well at the moment it's all about 6pm to 2:30am finish time in the warehouse where parcels go around, from lorry to lorry and then off to the people and let's hope they get there in one piece the way they were sent.

It's all about those few hours, when I'm not working, and not sleeping, although that's not easy either.

My brain has become a racing car at home in the evening again, but we shall see how it goes.

Working leaves little time to think which is good, just be a slave for the wage and pay.

Pay off debts accrued that this time will not fall by the wayside or be ignored.

Sleeping has become beautiful and intense and shocking but not emotional.

All sorts of interesting things, people from my past, how they were then.

How they are now?  Who knows, what dreams may come, a film...

You looked so beautiful, my friend, i think things worked out well.

The right way for you and i, goodness knows, i would have been,

nowhere, nothing compared to who you were released to be with.

I was never going to stand in the way of love, something clicked.

In my head, as i'm sure it does, some turn to hate when pushed.

For me that's always a judgement of myself, how could I be so?

Stupid as to think you cared for me as much as I did for you?

I realise and finally see how wrong i was at the time anyway.

That's the best thing, because my communication fails, failed.

I didn't verbalise the way i felt, i didn't ask the questions, at all.

I never made time to be with you, i never said the words, i love you.

I'm rambling again and that other one was going to be my last for tonight.

Somehow when I was going out of my mind, compared to some, sane to others.

Suddenly two individuals came back into my life, social networking anyway, and how.

Things I was seeing suggested the world had gone downhill very quickly, was changing all around.

The timing was impeccable, i god rid of one, felt very exposed and vulnerable, got rid of one, oops god.

God comes into this again, when I've calmed right down about that whole thing, there's just us here.

We do our own thing, whatever comes of it is fine, good, golden, the way i had come to answer.

You ask me how i am, i'm back to fine again, it used to be good, then golden, we will see.

This working lark, insurance companies, fearful conversations, confidence building.

It leaves me again, a little taken aback, back into my childhood, wake up.

Wake up, wake up, there's a battleship in the garden!  Non sequitor.

The sort of thing you say to someone threatening you drunkenly.

When was the last time you had instant custard?  Wakes 'em.

Reminds them to use their brain not their fists apparently.

A technique i've never needed never been in one.

A fight I mean, unless this is it, for my soul.

So who am I the good, the bad, the ugly truth is that I have been a bit of both and all three and even a little of the one I mentioned elsewhere, the beautiful person that I have been to some, even mentioning me in the same sentence as what some call ascended masters, you see I gave someone energy, and they felt it.

It was the most profound thing they'd ever experienced in their life before, up to that point, and so.

Whatever you think of me, insane, sane, a little of both, either, a lost cause, a hero, neither.

All I am is a collection of tiny things that choose to form something akin to a man.

If I could choose the middle way, to be the average of all i have been.

I would, maybe even have been a dad, it came to me recently.

Amongst the things I cannot say again, not meant as truth.

I thought there were two children on the way for us.

I thought I knew the order, the sex, even names.

Now I just wish all the mothers well, healthy.

The fathers too, the children even more so.

The world, at large, is a pickle, great.

Greater than the sum of its parts.

Don't get me started on them.

But if only we learnt again.

That it's nice to share.

Nudge nudge.

Wink wink,

Love love.

Jon

+

learning the walk again

i learned that i am completely unprepared for life anywhere other than in the home i was raised in, that i don't know how to cook lots of things, when potatoes are ready to go from being par boiled into the oven to roast, all of these things, like cleaning surfaces, undercoating when painting, do it yourself basically, you name it, I've never done it, I may have helped, bodged something, I'm no good at all these things, have never been involved, sheltered from so many aspects of life, and it's because I was a coward, and I didn't need to do them before now, and now I'm scared or at least i was petrified at how little i know, how much there is to know and learn, realising how little i've experienced, i haven't done anything, I've spent years in pubs or my room, or someone elses doing drugs and watching t.v. screens whether they were programmes or games.

All of the best things in life i avoided because i was too scared, to ask someone out, to engage, to connect.  To learn through social interaction what conversation is all about, to get used to the small talk which i hated.

I found the hello, how are you's fake and uninteresting, i would say fine thanks and wander off, leave you there, I wouldn't even ask you back, ask a question that I didn't need to know the answer to and i'm sorry.

I'm really very sorry at the moment, not feeling so sorry for myself, i recognise what a mess i've made of things and that's clear to me, so it's left me with a much better picture of what my life ought to be for.

It's going to be about first aid skills, volunteering, redemption through giving my time away to others.

That's what that voice in my head said the very first time I asked for an experience of the kind that I was searching for when I left on my solo spiritual quest this time seven years ago and I won't name it again.

It's quite boring for others anyway and I mention it so often, whenever I can actually, it's so vivid to me.

From a little piece on a pilgrimage on a television show, to a bequeath, to a gift, to an idea, to an adventure.

It all worked out well, going back further I was drawn to avebury and called out of office work into nothing.

I learned that I had been thinking I was fine, just like I would say when asked, how are you?  But not really.

I will accept that lots of folks around me seem fine, maybe they're not inside, but they seem it, mentally.

They do their work, they don't talk about anything to me about their worries, they don't suffer as i did.

I wonder, did I bring it on, or was it there in the first place waiting to be brought out, called upon?

All sorts of inaccurate recollections of mine, misapprehensions, where i got the wrong end of the stick.

Things I ought to have brought to the attention of others, or been there for people more but I didn't.

My cowardice in certain circumstances brought into sharp focus, with my inner and well taught honour intact.

This need for the world to feel like it ought to be fair, but isn't obviously, i see it more clearly than ever.

Learning just how dark it is, how often the right thing isn't done, in public life, so many secrets.

Hierarchies of lies within the system, ways in which the world works that don't seem good.

To find out so much of it now, feels like losing innocence on a grand scale and so late.

I'm well into my life compared to many i'm quite old, i've made it this far and there are so many who don't, i have to be grateful for that, the illness that strikes others, children with cancer, disability, i have been pain free, most of my life has been a breeze compared to so many, no silver spoon but i'm not a refugee.

So you see i've reached an apogie and celebrate the apologies that I've made, I've spoken the words more often lately than I care to admit, or written them, sent them out, looked back with something akin to a flash light, shone into every dark recess and area of my being, my life, the loves, the crushes, the unrequiteds, so it makes me a little scared to get close to anyone lest they develop feelings for me or i do so easily as before.

Even someone that i told myself i only liked as a friend, but that's fine, it's good, i smile for her and them.

I really do, and it's so lovely, to know that others, have their friends, and loves, and it makes me smile.

When i think of the lives they're living, that it's possible, here, to enter into those relationships, not me.

My focus feels right at the moment, it always was, since the millennium turned, since that solar eclipse, since every sign i took or sought out said change, since time ended in 2012 or so the druid said and something told me to go, not to hang around there, a resistance within me to spending time, in places, with people, for no good reason, or maybe that's how it feels at the time.  Last time I stuck out a conversation, it lead to a chance meeting with someone, that lead to some work, that lead to a gift, that lead to a purchase.

I could trace all of those and think to myself maybe that's why i was resistant to the initial conversation.

Or i could accept that instead of being able to feel the future impinging on the present, that it was me.

My resistance to listening, and I thought I was a good listener, or maybe that's another lie i told.

So many lies have been shed, so many perspectives i held and saw myself, the world from.

It's been interesting to say the least and I even took a chance this weekend but slight.

As I feel the healing progressing, as I realise how many mistakes i can right.

I know there are ways to avoid so many of them in the future, now.

It makes the world seem smaller in terms of people i know.

But i also realised how little i knew people before.

I started to get to know some of them and well the more I learn about others usually the less I like them, they don't seem to be who I thought, they disappoint but then so does everyone eventually right and certainly me so I know there are reasons why i am the way i am, you can't win with me, i move the goalposts, i feel like this is hell, and heaven, so i came up with something earlier which is apt here, the good, the bad, the ugly.

The beautiful, don't forget that one, there's the good, the bad, the ugly and the beautiful isn't there?

I've been moulded by films and t.v. to think the world is one way when it's quite different.

The complexities and all the rules that people seem to know instinctively or learnt.

It's confusing to me, so I kept out of it, out of the conversations, ignored it.

Ignored anything that I didn't understand or didn't make sense to me.

Finding so often these days that I don't understand your words.

I have to ask you again, is it my hearing or is it the speech.

I was thinking about this, do we hear what people say?

I hear the words but misunderstandings are common.

They can and have lead to things as gross as war.

Great means big not good, something can be great but not good, we use the word to mean good though now.  That is why you have to be so careful when speaking and I have to be more careful to listen right.

I find it hard to understand, I get the wrong end of the stick, i have to clarify, ask questions, and i do.

Of course this whole thing is coming from things that I am thinking about but not saying.  One side.

One side of this conversation going on here, is within my mind, and I'm spitting the other out.

Should I laugh even if i don't think what you say is funny?  Shouldn't i have a rapport?

Because I suddenly thought to myself, this conversation isn't going well with you.

This person I was talking to, but then I was drunk, well at least a little.

I wonder, without drink would any of us lose our inhibitions?

Shouldn't we do that without drugs, after all drink is one.

Learn to face our fears without drugs, be strong.

We're weak, most of us wouldn't last a day.

Let alone a week in the first or second.

Will there be a third world war?

It was mooted, as a plan.

I loved the conspiracies for a while, I've been an avid reader of almost anything online, i keep clear of the real things, you see, the accuracy, the footage, the pictures, of real life, not interesting, i liked books, to read them, about things that we can't be certain about, certainties bore me, a life less ordinary, please, thankyou.

Mysteries, give me something that builds a relationship slowly until i love the characters more than life itself.

I don't mean that to sound the way it came out, maybe i did, but hey, I loved the shows where it's ok.

Where at the end of each episode it's back to normal and everyone is well and happy again.

If this was hell, I guess everyone get's what they wish for, or strive for, or get close.

You can try to be so many things here, experience them, or you can just be.

It's a tried and tested saying by someone I have a speckled friendship with amongst those people i've met some have been very generous and in the past I would have questioned their motives, as i always did, i'm sceptical about anyone who is, was, well not so much now, but that's because some people are gooduns.

Friends I've made who have shown me how they behave, their families, their traditions, shame us here.

The western world, the english speaking countries, masogeny, empire, shames us all, historically.

I'm rambling but I said what I wanted to, I love you, whoever you are, i'll help somehow.

That voice, said I would give my life in service to my fellow man, men, beings.

That sounds like a plan but it never felt like a threat so much as a task.

Lately I've been taken very much to the limit of credulity and back.

The things I've said are taken with a pinch of salt nowadays.

Because I've acted on impulse, instinctually too lovingly.

Ignorantly too, i'm sorry if i pull away from you.

Character trait, in the past I saw it as a natural thing, a bhuddist thing, people come and go from your life, I saw it as a stressful thing to get back into a room with someone I haven't seen in a while, what will we talk about, my life has been ruined because my imagination runs wild and i work out how it will all go wrong, someone isn't back when they said, they've been killed in a car crash, don't tempt fate, fatalism inbuilt, scared, worried more than anyone ought to, or not worried, concerned at all, i don't think about you.

From one extreme to the other, when abroad, holidays, pilgrimages, you didn't get a look in much.

Apart from that stone I carried all the way from home to place at the base of a cross of iron.

You see I guess I've been the most caring and loving and uncaring and unloving fool.

Shot little birds dead for no reason other than that i could and also watched.

Spent hours and hours alone with my eyes glued to their flight or habits.

Sat beneath a tree, in the undergrowth hidden, letting the life around get used to me, and come back close.

Do that for me, what is this life if full of care, we have no time to stop and stare, i'm a starer too, sorry.

I don't know how much eye contact is enough or too much, at times i knew, or it came to me.

Sometimes things come so naturally to me like that, i wonder if that's your skills in me.

You see, I feel as though I take on whatever it is you are, or can be, or feel.

Maybe that's a new age type thing about empaths, different kinds.

That quote by the way, what is this life, if full of care...

I won't bother to look it up for once not for you, if you wish to, by all means do, some rhyming here, and i've learnt something from the other day, how to spell rhyme, well an old dog and new tricks when i can't even seem to use the tap in the kitchen, because i can't remember which way use turn them on and off really?

You see there are so many things that become second nature, we being nature, they being secondary, something learned, something we learned that becomes a programme within our mind, muscle memory, lines of force, i was going to say power, communication within our brain, the neurons firing in a certain way, we can make them change, neuroplasticity, i used to love reading the breakthroughs in science and nature, new creatures discovered, old ones back again from extinction because we've gone somewhere new, hidden, the yeti, cryptozoological beasts, aliens, ghosts you name it i've read about it all, pseudo science, pseudo religious nonsense, things that are becoming accepted, offered on the nhs, needles in meridians, reiki, yoga.

Where is the truth, again my search and can i handle the truth, is there one?  I thought today about god.

Goddess, divine, divinity, a divide between the female and the masculine, a line, feminine, assinine.

Is there just all of us who believe we are individuals and one other thing called whatever it is?

There's this great, not good, not bad, just large, thing, that is lonely and we're it too see.

That was my thought, so we get to experience separation, fear, suffering, pain.

Then we go back to being all together, back to godhead, wow that's nuts.

One thing with all of us inside it, as part of a huge mind, insanity.

The dividing line between the mascu and the femi, nine.

The noble path, the eightfold way, counting down.

Lucky number seven, six, six, six, five, four.

Three, a trinity, god, man, spirit, two.

You and me, me and you, i.

One, numeral, number.

It's up to us and.

Yes you said.

Choose.

Which.

Who.

What self would you like to be?

My answer is the best i can be

For the sake of everybody

And that, insuferably, yes

Includes me, I'm sorry

I get the feeling that

In some ways it's

Never been,

about me.

Love
Jon
+

Medicine Man

The first time I was seriously worried and sought help I searched out a medicine man, a shaman, a healer.

I paid this person for two treatments, two visits, and my problems only got worse before they got better.

It opened up three of the deepest wounds I had ever caused / suffered and also gave me evidence too.

Something that he said connected to something that had happened to me, an event I was involved in.

So I could relive it, i went back in time, back to my own life, those events and saw them again.

I relived them, psychologically, in my mind, i relived times gone past and i have done again.

This last time, I experienced my own life as though it was flashing before my eyes.

I was accused of all sorts of things, saw others far more clearly than ever.

It was a strange time to be sure and one I would not choose to repeat.

Most of it was untrue, some made it clear my recollection weren't.

I had assumed things, about others and so I know the distance.

That a part of us will go to protect itself, the shadow perhaps.

It's been a while since then, I know all the folks are safe.

My family, my friends, aquaintances were threatened.

I did nothing, I took it less and less seriously.

I called the bluff of my own paranoia.

I see that it was a balancing act.

So I know that there were times when I was not as pure as I thought I was but I knew it at the time, those things that I alluded to, things that I accused others of, things I am not proud of, they were few and mostly were thoughts not deeds, words not actions, talking not walking, times when I filled in the gaps between.

What I feared and what really happened, so I know the ways that the mind can play tricks on you.

I have experienced periods of having thoughts that were not valid and now they are more clear.

The healing that I did extended to sensing the world as a whole, now I doubt that sincerely.

I could sense the energy of someone merely by thinking of them, without meeting them.

I doubt it all and will need to work my way back up to doing healing again in future.

I've been to a place inside and out where I wondered what the world was about.

There is finally a smile upon my face because I know I have confessed my soul.

I have opened myself up to whatever is out there and to myself and seen it all.

The truth, the lies, the beginning and the end and it scares me quite a bit now.

I wonder how it must feel to be famous, infamous, known to the world.

To go out into it, knowing you effect those around you is a big thing.

The world itself becomes a living entity and I don't know what.

Where, why, when or how but my desires are simple now.

To do the basics, pay the bills, regain some sense of me.

See what emerges from this process of rebirth ongoing.

Because that is what this is right now an emergence.

A test, a census, multiple choice examination.

Who will I be what will I do to progress?

Do my first aid course again relearn.

Move on, let go, find out what.

What I want from life because.

Before I didn't ever consider.

Never took the time to think.

Never asked what I wish.

Hid from the future.

Knowing not...

It's a living

thing.

truth - the dream - the fourth wall - not until we die

Just watched a film based on a true story and i have to accept that even the true story, if it was told by the people who were there, will be from their perspective, motives now for the retelling, or the marketing mean that the person involved will say things they mean but aren't true, the world is so full of fakery, lies, deceit and i am struggling with that because I find it hard to trust entirely what I hear, without the desire and need to check it, after all what we thought we knew a while ago, let alone the years since we were at school, or since we learned something, it's constantly changing, and out there are a million opinions, can we believe the average one, can we believe the one we hear most often?  Let's say health and wellbeing, for me the past is a measure of what represent health and wellbeing, people lived long lives in fairly good health, or did they?

Do I have a picture of the past that is inaccurate based on my desire to think on the past as being better than the world we live in today?  You see for me, there is an intelligence in nature, communication going on, instincts and learning gained from some careful experimentation, and instincts, I know that for instance, chimpanzees have knowledge of the one out of four species of a similar plant that aids digestion, or is a medicine that they benefit from eating in their diet, i may have the details slightly wrong there for accuracy.

So to be honest, a statement often followed by a lie, or so i have heard it said, we don't know jack shit, really, we know what we have learned through experiences, what we have surmised because of them.  We know what we learned from others, from teachers, role models, and we can ask around, we can look to sources of information, the internet, books, from trusted friends, relations, we talk about these things and we try them out, we are the pinnacle of thousands, millions of years of evolution and luck, changes constantly happening to what we think of as our species, related as we are to everything that has gone before, we breathe, they breathed, they expired as we all do, will do eventually, knowing one thing for certain, we lived.

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My dreams have become very interesting and I have to say engaging in such a way that I would prefer to be asleep if only I could interpret them, i read that when you change your diet to wild food, naturally produced things like the plants i've been eating that others might and do consider weeds, like nettles, and other sources of greens, vitamins and minerals can alter your dreams, make them more complete, in the words of a book i read, that's because the animals and plants that live in nature went through a natural life cycle, paraphrasing as usual, but hey, it's my perspective right?  I agree that a plant self set, seeded on the wind, growing amongst a colony of others, when harvested  seems to me to be a very clean way of producing a meal on my plate, it means less food has to come from further away, I can go for a walk and come back with a lunch, i can learn about more of these plants, take on the chlorophyll that i lack, after all don't we have the genetic inheritance of the plant kingdom within us, oh and why is it  kingdom?  Isn't it mother nature that we call her?

I'm on a rollercoaster again, only this time i'm earning my keep and not letting my desires to go away stop me from staying right where i live to work on myself, it's hard because convenience makes a McDonalds easy and something I had stopped eating a long time ago, the internet will tell you what poison it is, how it doesn't rot, you can leave that stuff lying around and it won't go off for years, who knows, I know potatoes are treated to ensure they overwinter in freezers, i heard it was with chlorine gas as a liquid, i don't know the truth of all the food misery we are told about, vegetables showered with pesticides, monsanto is seen as a devil in the disguise of a company trying to save the world from hunger, but then, one part of the populace overeats as i am doing, the other part can barely scrape together enough to keep them going let alone healthy,  farmers in india have been sold into slavery by those who produce seeds that are not viable.

Indebted to those who sell the seed, they kill themselves rather than have to buy more, poisoning the land, ok let's stop there and turn back to nature and what i think i know, i am struggling to keep my self control going, to start and restart good habits, meditation, that which i never did reliably, regularly, i know that will help, but it's cold where i sleep or hot bu midday, the jobs i do aren't conducive to good habits, waking early, staying up late, to add in meditation, i have only excuses, other people do it, after vispassana i ought to have carried on the practise that at the time showed me in a great way what could be achieved, now i have to wonder, were the experiences i had at those times when i was seeing what i considered, feeling what i considered, hearing in my mind, what i considered to be spiritual truths, were they just the result of giving up drugs?

Even those who give up smoking can experience night sweats, crazy dreams, mine have only begun to seem more and more real, what i went through earlier this year, the same, my memory is not good about those days, i cannot give you a timeline, i cannot be clear, others though are more sensible in the ways they go about this sort of thing, a yoga discipline, a regular meditator, dietary achievements that even when vegetarian i was baulking at not grabbing a choccie bar at the end of my shift in the supermarkets, i'm no angel, no saint.

I didn't work hard all the time, i didn't fake anything, i didn't lie, i told the truth, my perspective, i wrote it in a book, which reading back recently has far too many spelling mistakes in for my liking, being such a pedantic person, something i learnt early on, something i was good at was language, i hesitate to blow my own trumpet because i don't want to go down those roads, these days i'm much more unenthusiastic for ego driven rubbish, that book felt like that when i read it, although i will have to reserve judgement because i plan to edit it, so that it makes more sense from the perspective of someone reading it rather than the writers.

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The fourth wall is something in drama, it's the audience and you don't reference them, you don't when on the stage talk directly to them, it's the veneer that means they are there, they feel the energy of the performance, they can even directly affect it, but the players play on, that line from that bard, i wrote about him in the book i mentioned, that to my mind at the time of writing and releasing online, i thought was going to be a hit, or at least get some traction, maybe become a tiny source of income, i'm playing it down because i'm being more realistic than perhaps i've ever been before right now, these days, i've come down to earth from a long way up.  The heavenly and the hellish have been here in roughly equal measures i have to say, over the past five years, the fourth wall, was breaking right in front of me, my dreams seemingly becoming as real as my waking life, i wondered which of my recent visions, were in fact dreams, or which were acted out in the waking place, here, on earth, instead of in my head, i don't know, i would have to wonder, if it weren't for my resolve not to go around asking folks for their opinion all the time I might find a little more about that out.

I trust that one day i will either know everything, maybe one of those life reviews that some have spoken of, after it's over, a bit like a report card, you're supposed to watch your life form the third person perspective, so that you could see what affect it had on others, see it from a more truthful place, a relevant reality, because it isn't yours anymore, or about what you saw, it's the real version, it's the one that happened not someones point of view, not anyone elses, not yours, but the true truth and that would be awesome.

I worry that if I tell others anymore about what i've been through i'll be making a pickle for them to unpick.

I wonder whether those who have experienced something of what i have too, at the same time are failing.

It's an interesting thing to try to grapple with whether energy, feeling it and healing with it and sending it and befriending it and those aspects of what i've done and done to others, what is it all about, is it good?

Is it some forgotten truth, a secret behind all the old world religions that they don't really want us to know?

Reiki, healing, hands on healing, the power of a loving touch, that's what it was to start with, massage, empathy, i grimaced because i could tell you were going to feel pain, we had a connection, affection.

Pure love, I don't doubt that, it was never in question that I was doing it for the right reason, although.

I have seen and faced honestly, accusations whether and at this point is where it gets kind of sticky, whether the things i've gone through, the ways in which i have faced my past and possible future, i have either faced and communicated with something outside of me, or parts of me, within me, which don't like me very much.

I have seen things that i have done that don't fit into the model of true honesty and empathy, was i feeling emotional for people or with them?  Was I acting on well let's be honest a desire to titillate rather than enervate?  In circumstances when i was in a very relaxed social environment there is a certain amount of lustful or at least attraction i would not say was merely loving, lust and love are strong words for a natural desire to experience sexuality, i gave energy to two women once, when we were all drugged up and so i wondered or at least have faced whether that was the right thing to do, coming off the years of drug abuse that i have seen as a perfectly healthy thing, i see it in a different light now, i see smoking as a dirty disgusting habit, something that i wonder how i started in the first place, i didn't touch anyone inappropriately, I'm not accusing myself of any form of sexual assault on anyone, merely doing what came naturally, at the time.

But I have to admit to thoughts and feelings that i now see were just in my own mind, at least conversations, all sorts of declarations, over fairly long periods, of time, years even, back to last summer i was saying things, that simply are not true that lends my whole thing, this writing even an air of a lack of credulity, because i know what and where the lines are drawn, but then that's just me and i know the ways in which that makes it hard for others to be around me, i've acted on things that were only going on in my head, fantasies that seem absurd and are right now, but the thing that keeps me going is the ways in which there is a grain of truth within, you see even if there is no heaven or hell, even if they are just hierarchies of belief that was once mere superstition, made real by the very powerful nature of our minds, our need to understand, to grapple with life and death and the fact that one day it will all be over, and what happens to our loved ones?  We ask all the time, we have done so for so long, and even now there are more and more answers out there, films today.

To me, being clean and sober is important for the years ahead, i've drunk a little cider from time to time, but anything else just cannot be, for the sake of those around me, for my own sake, i feel as though i'm still coming off, coming down, feeling my feet so much more firmly on the ground, these days are not easy or necessarily nice, or enjoyable, there is a loss of identity, the healer has died because i must be a mortal, go to work, move things from one place to another, forget and deny, or just get on with ways of being that leave no room for higher realms and ideas, and that in and of itself works wonders, it leaves not time for me to be up in my head, it leaves no room for me to care as long as i remember everything from one minute to the next.

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Not until we die will we know, the dissolution, the disillusion, as i have termed it, i've used this word before, i have found so much more of my past opened up because i've been over it all with a fine toothed comb.  Seen where i went wrong, and where i overegged things, even to the point of realising that i owe even more folks apologies, but then there is still the part of me that knows that events that we shared, you and i tell a story that will be hard for me to let go of, one that speaks to a real energy, a real healing, a real example of things that those in the past may have only heard or read about, or had tales told to them, i'm not god, just a man thank goodness, just a man who has done wrong and good, and was on the path and searching for redemption, searching out ways to heal and reveal more of the truth and that makes the lies harder to swallow, face up to it people, the world is dying and more of us with it, sitting in mcdonalds, facing death and wondering why i shouldn't just eat what i like, and within reason do what i like, around me are teenagers,  all fascinated with their phones and their social lives revolving around things that only exist on a computer, within an electronic system, if the power went off for a while they would be lost, for a week they might not know what to do with themselves, and we go back to nature for the answer, we make up our own games, i ran wild, i went out into the woods and explored in every direction, she was my affection when there was none, when i felt none for the people who bullied me and i fail to see why i shouldn't say the truth as i felt it, rejected, but more so by myself if i'm honest lately, so let's hope for a brighter day for everyone, for peace, for love, for healing to come to this world, for each and every one of us, i've learned a lot about my motives, my faults, seeing them so clearly, acting the way i would love to be feels false, take my mother out for tea, save up and make a contribution to the world that doesn't revolve around me, try to see in the future without debt, try to give myself some time off once in a while without breaking my body on the full time, hard labour that is all my withered intellectual system has to offer, since early drug use turned me away from growing, from learning how to handle responsibility, a balancing act as i saw office life as a death sentence, stress, i saw my future as a drone, i even now know how wrong i've been about so much so i need to slow down, let others have their say even though i feel i know what it will be, try not to be so judgemental knowing i wish they would judge me favourably but how do i know on the balance of the life i've lived so far, my misdemeanour's, are small compared to stalin, but large compared to some kind of saint, i wish for myself the journey to meet with the bhudda that i was, some time ago when i did a talk on impermanence or such is my recollection, even though i did not know what impermanence was then i do now, pain is one such thing.

I feel it, and i panic, i suffer anxiety and i make bad decisions quickly, rashly, i drive to mcdonalds and i need to get a handle on whether i would like to be the one who feels like i should enjoy my life in case it should end soon and is fatalistic, that word i cannot remember that has the meaning of there is no point in anything, nihilism, nihilistic, im sure the spell checker will help, and the part of me that feels i ought to be as healthy as possible because i could live for quite a while yet, the world might not end quite as soon as i fear, the things i felt so close, and kept so dear, my predictions of world changing, lovely things coming so soon, as next year, and the one after it, my passport lasts until at least then, maybe i can be debt free by then so we'll see.

When I wrote about the death and rebirth of a healer, i saw my spirit going up and coming back, with parts perhaps that were denied before and i like myself less than ever before and i see parts and characteristics that i have to admit make me like myself even less but at least i can see them and choose not to be them.

I choose to die and rot and maybe i will go down, and maybe for a long time and maybe then i will go up.

I saw the vortices and felt my navel holding me back from travelling, my truth may be harder to accept.
But it's mine never the less, and now my experiences will come from a place destined to be known.
For one day I will die and then i will get to see for myself does it all go black or well lit, does it?