This place just seems more and more like a work of fiction, a creation within a creation, characters on a stage, play on. Only there have been world wars and millions of people have died from illness, cruelty and love has been around here too in the lives and deaths of so many folks it seems.
We go through life as though it is enough just to live it, in some ways I wish I could go back. To a time when all I was interested in was working, going to the pub or whatever, buying games to play.
All of the stuff that most every other person in the world just does and consumes themselves with.
I can't go back, whether part of my condition, whatever that is or part of a calling to ask myself.
A calling that I answered by leaving a career that was making me ill but that I never wanted.
I did what was expected of me and yet leaving and ending up without a plan was an error.
It became a self fulfilling prophesy because I had nothing to do nowhere to go or be.
No-one in my life, to ask for help because I didn't feel I had anyone to turn to.
So I found myself in extremis and acted out within that new nothingness.
I became whatever it was, informed by my desire to know the truth.
To try to ask the questions no-one else was asking, to find them.
To find like minds, kindred spirits, to seek out a new life.
To try to explain the reasons for my scepticism.
Sceptical about life, love many things.
Yet a believer in the possibility.
I have been an extremity.
From one extreme to the other, a great friend so much so it was seen as too much, not believed to be merely a friend because I saw my role as that of the movie equivalent, the hero of stories, of myths.
I guess I've had my character written by my earliest devouring of the legends, of star wars, of The Lord of the Rings, of Good and Bad and Evil and love and death and happy endings and beginnings.
This is where the ramblings are poetic nonsense, where i let my brain or my heart spurt out the words, and i leave the railroad tracks because I can't be constrained by what has come before, what was deigned, designed, breaking out of the ways in which we are all lead to believe one thing.
That this is real, because it feels so, because it tastes, smells, looks, sounds, is real to us.
The differences between us seem more important here, our left brain saying so.
We are individuals, not energy expressing itself in different forms.
I saw a video of a brain researcher who had a stroke.
I've read the accounts of near death experiencers.
I know that over the ages we have been more.
I've seen things we can't explain and the archaeologists and historians don't have evidence, don't have the full picture and it looks as though they insist for reasons we can only guess at on denying what is obvious to all of us with a heart and a feeling about all this stuff, there are mysteries that go beyond.
There are structures still around that are pristine and outdo anything we can build today, so the drills are gone, the ancient technologies, the craftsmen and women, the artisans who worked for centuries.
There is a lost history of this world and as I have said many times before a lost herstory, men and women of old created things we can't even begin to imagine, let alone recreate in this day and age.
The world is more than meets the eyes, more than we are told, either because they don't know, or don't wish to let us in on it, on the truth of the mysteries that keep us interested, aliens, gods, the lot.
This place will keep me occupied because I have made a promise to myself not to disappoint those around me, even though I feel like a catcher in the rye, an outcast, a stranger, certainly at the moment.
I feel different, like an actor, playing my role, having created such a backstory that I believed I was it.
I created such a character around what I believed made myself a better person for it, that I could blame my shortcomings on others, I could judge them and leave myself as the innocent party.
I could live my life without facing the ways in which I was and am not looking forward to any of it.
I let my friends around me grow up as I did not, I ignored the lessons I should have learnt, I knew that they were all progressing and I was not and yet I could numb myself to the aches and growing pains, I could let it all go, I could say the right things when questioned, play along, let it slide.
It's as if I woke up recently and suddenly took back the characterisations of others, had thoughts that I thought disgusting when others expressed them, as if the darker side of humanity that I had only seen in the folks around me, were shown to be inside me too, not actions but thoughtforms thankfully.
So nothing to feel guilty about, but experiences mostly of the positive nature at the time to me, now looking back I can see how terribly fearful and scared I was and am now, facing mortality, of those around, of the things I haven't even realised I would see in the future, the struggles, the challenges.
So this seems to be my release, to let my fingers do the talking that I can't because my conversational skills are non existent when it comes to actually getting in a room with some and saying things.
Raising my voice to face my deepest held concerns, trying to do the things that I fear again.
Went on a march, my second, that I remember, the first in Trafalgar November the 5th 2012.
Today it was the Peoples Climate March, around the world but I was here in Bristol, England.
Normal everyday folks, from different organisations and just regular families an what have you.
Getting together in a town centre to march and take over the streets, safely and organised, marching.
My fear is that there is some dark and evil force overiding this space, this place and that all we are doing is making it clear who should be punished, and there is also the hope that as more of us face our fears and stand up, and raise our voices, and especially as there's families and the common folk, that we are breaking barriers, for those in the future to join us so it isn't always my desperate fears.
I face them as they are all part of my imagined world going on within and without, I don't know.
I thought I did, I saw things like timelines, the crazier parts of my story, my life of the last years.
Well they make so much sense when added to all of the little bits and pieces I've managed to cobble together, instincts, little snippets here and there, from the popular culture, from the historic record.
This place is a mystery that is worth solving but I keep coming back to the realisation that even if this place is fake, that the other people in it believe in it, we can swim in the ocean, they can visit other countries, I can walk 500 miles to the ocean of a continent on a Pilgrimage, I've been out there into the world, that seems so obviously a real place, I have family, I have debts all tying me down in a good way, I know my responsibilities, moreso with the coming of ageing and death.
As I had gone through what I thought was my education, gone through the falling of veils from my eyes, gone through experiences that I treasure far more than the majority of the rest of my life, even though some would say they were hallucinations, drug experiences not real ones, brought on not lived, made-up not experienced at all, I've made such a mess and it doesn't make a coherent sense.
I can't argue one way or the other really, I certainly don't think of myself as a good person to try to explain anything to anyone else who is on the path, or thinking about it, I go from one day to the next not knowing if I believe in magic, real magic and miracles and synchronicities anymore, not sure if this is all just someone's idea of a big joke, will we all wake up one day and see it as a dream here?
It's a cruel joke if it is one, because it seems so real, but if you asked for the time of your life, or the life of your time, an experience so real that you could feel every sensation, the most convincing ride.
Well then this would be it, we live literally and die and who knows maybe we go again, Again! AGAIN! Can I have another go mother, father? I don't know if it's a ride like that comedian said.
Bill Hicks you got a lot to answer for my friend, especially making smoking look so much fun, oh how I miss it, and nearly take it up again every day. Knowing I've neglected my oral health, had this stubborn insistence on believing whatever it was that was in my heart over and above outsiders to my experience, the dentists who said "clean your teeth twice a day blah blah whatever...." only I would go from appointment to appointment leaving them until that morning and always hear the same talk.
I've had the realisation that I've followed in my father's footsteps there, he's not looked after his teeth much and I know that plaque is NOT good for you, in fact it's a bacteria that grows in the mouth, feeding on the food that sits around in there, and it travels quiet easily from there into the bloodstream and from there it works it's way into the nooks and crannies and stays put, it build up in the heart, in the narrow pathways where the blood goes around, anywhere where the blood goes.
So I know all this stuff or learnt it fairly recently but in the past three years from being god, seeing the timelines as though they were a cats cradle for me to play with and untangle like so much fishing wire, and it's all coming together, the things I thought that were wrong, the things I experienced that opened me up to people and places, and to questioning more, and to believing in more and more.
I know I wanted more than anything to see and feel the reality behind the mysteries and I did.
I literally created experiences or experienced creations, in my own mind or the mind of god.
Or in this world for me to live through, like the time I was on mushrooms, saw The Matrix.
I literally closed my eyes and said "I want to see the Matrix" the code from the Movie.
I wanted to see the black background and green numbers and letters going past.
When I opened my eyes there it was, exactly how I expected, remembered it.
So was I experiencing the power within me to create whatever external world I desire?
Was I asking the external world to show me what I wished it to, only for it to do so?
Are we able to create externally whatever world we wish, or does it take the shape we expect?
Are we taught that the world is one way, so we see what we have been taught to see only?
Are we trapped within a prison of sorts, only able to see what our limited senses let us?
Can we free our minds, free our perceptions, expectations, can we see the truth?
Have the veil lifted as it once threatened to do so another time on Solstice?
When I saw a crack in reality and the dark void from which all springs.
It could have opened up entirely but I was comfortable here, loving it.
Loving the familiarity, not wanting to ruin the surprise for others.
Let us all work it out at the same time, or not at all, together.
I've been obliterated into particles that rose towards a vortex in the sky, my navel the only thing holding me back from going to wherever it is I wished to go to, when we die? When we wake up?
I don't know, are there different destinations? That we can choose or learn about?
Maybe we can alter the direction of travel or is there a right and wrong turn?
Some say go to the light, some say avoid it that's a trap, returning us here.
Is returning here without any memory of wherever it is we come from a good thing?
Maybe this is the nirvana not the other way around, maybe we can be in heaven here.
All of these questions are breaking down, fiction and reality coming together as it goes.
You see the lines between fiction and non fiction blurring, reality t.v. is more false truly.
Films are made to make money but end up with a life of their own, they're loved creations.
Music is amazing, in bringing people together as we all learn to forget what we've been taught.
That we are tribal, that we need to be careful of others, fearful of change or differences between us.
We've been ruled by wankers, drawn together under national banners by kings and queens overruled.
Made to see each other as someone to compete with, at sports, song contests, for resources, for land.
When underneath it all we are the same, have the same drives, and we're starting to see it, culturally.
Our differences can be celebrated, the freedom to make mistakes you see in Spain not here.
The litigious nature of the American way, coming here, that makes people scared to be.
Say the wrong thing, the thought police, political correctness, a nonsense, the lot of it.
We're breaking free, we need to decentralise, break down the barriers they set up.
It's happening, the middle class have been broken up the richest are struggling for air.
They live in a world that no-one else can breath in, behind fences, alarms, security.
No amount of money is enough, greedy for more, desperate to feel something.
I hope they are happy because I've been there in little ways and I wasn't.
I want a simple life, get my hands dirty, eat the good things, not sugar.
Quit the habits that are like the proverbial pandoras box of tricks.
Things we thought were good ideas at the time, lead by ltds.
Limited in their imagination of the world we could be.
Creating a world that very few will want to live in.
Look around you. This place is all or nothing.
On a knife edge, so many disgruntled, poor.
So many looking at others, what do they do. Can I make a change like them? Can I follow?
Should I could I would I really be happier as they seem with less stuff, and more time?
Without the big house and the big debts, the stress, living more having less...
To go forward we need technology to slip into the background.
We need to have a healthy environment and you will see the ways in which people were nicer, better before, when the world was larger, and our desires were smaller, a holiday at home was just lovely.
We didn't need to fly somewhere, we didn't insist on sun, I blame businesses for most if not all.
Of our wilted and damaged humanity, striving for things we believe we want not need.
Repeating myself old themes, old dreams, will the world be righted by us all?
Can we create it from the inside out, can we heal ourselves and it too?
I saw today a start, another chance, the spark of it in the eyes...
March on you crazy diamonds, march on without me.
Into the future that we all deserve, whatever
that is I feel as though it'll be here
sooner rather than later
one way or the
other
x
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