Round and round

I remember harvest festivals, I remember religious education lessons, before that there was the visit to school of the vicar, singing hymns in assembly, Christmas carols and none of it really meant anything to me, we learnt the stories, we went through the motions but it never felt of anything, it never meant anything real to me.  I had no faith, I felt nothing, no spirit, no inner energy.

No connection, no thing.  Nothing wonderful or terrible, no feelings connected to the tales we were told, just that it was presented as the history of the planet, despite the fact that as you grow, like Father Christmas or the tooth fairy, or the easter bunny, you realise there's nothing to these things.

You feel cheated, lied to, as though you were tricked into believing in a magical world around you that doesn't actually exist, you recognise the hand writing on the presents in the stocking or you guess that it was your parents who exchanged a tooth for a coin over night and a little part of you dies.

For me that magic came back through luck, good or bad more than judgement.  I wigged out, had a bad trip, or a good one depending on your point of view, I felt that I was god from the beginning to the end of time, I felt I was enlightened and was able to express the impermanence of experience.

I saw the timelines contract into one where the best outcome possible for all came about.

As though this really is a place where all around are the other worlds, dimensions, times.

As though we make a choice in every second that changes things but maybe some aren't.

Maybe some moment, some mighty, great ones whether for good or for bad unchanged...

At this point it becomes very confusing because there are so many schools of thought.

Are there good gods and bad ones, one god / goddess, force around and inside us.

Do we have a soul, are we a soul, what are the right things to do, believe in.

Does it make a difference what we believe in the end, when we die?

I've been trying to take it all in and make some kind of value judgement, trying to collate everything i've read about, learnt about, heard about, felt especially, and especially when I'm asleep or just awake.  You see I feel there is a place we go to when we're asleep and when we die that's the same.

I feel as though I can be myself without fear of retribution there, that we are less bothered, less afflicted, less damaged, less altered from what we were before this and what we will be again.

I feel as though if I can remember precisely, that things others say when they confirm what i feel deepest in my heart, it makes me want to believe, it makes me wish so much for us all to believe, for us all on this planet to come together under one leap of faith, a living faith alongside our religions, one belief that can draw them all together, one truth without dogma or division, one world, one us.

As though there could be an evolution, revolution, as though what has come before that started all this, all the superstition, that is natural, it's conditioning, pigeons are superstitious, when something happens for no reason, random timing of events, we can, they can, we all can put meaning into it.

A freak storm is blamed on someone's bad behaviour, the gods are displeased with something.

A pigeon pressing a button with its beak results in corn dropping from a chute, although it makes no difference when the button is pressed, occasionally corn will drop whatever the bird does, we are that.

We ascribe meaning to events, but at the same time, I have to believe that there is a connection.

That there is some truth to the things I've seen, that there is some magic in the world, something more than mere coincidence, the synchronicities, the meaningful coincidences, the magical happenings that have given me so much joy, meant more to me than I can say, the times when someone came along at just the right time to give me hope, or me them, when something happened precisely when needed, a wizard always arrives precisely when he means to Frodo Baggins...

So what is good? What bad?  Is paganism bad, is withcraft, is it all a polarity, a duality, two sides of the same coin, good and bad not evil, is there a devil and a god, a bad one and a good one, or is it like Kali something that creates and destroys as it needs to or as the situation requires of us all to be.

To be whatever it is we were meant to be, to try to overcome our limitations, to strive to be something greater, to evolve within our own lifetimes, to pass on something wonderful to the next generation.

Can we choose, can we be transformed?  As individuals as a species, as a planet a world, a solar system, galaxy, universe, Cosmos...  Is this place just one of many simulations even?

Given that computer power is growing exponentially, and eventually games as we call them, computer models will become so complex they will be indistinguishable from the real thing, to the point that there would likely be more simulated ancestors, (like us?) than the actual ancestors...

I always wanted to see what it would have been like to have lived in the second world war, been a fighter pilot or a soldier, or lived in an Roundhouse in the very oldest of times, before written history.

There is a throbbing sound, heard only by me?  No others have spoken and written of it, it's so quiet here, in the sticks, I usually hear it at night when the technology is turned off, but now I notice it in the morning, or in the evening, I wonder could I hear it if I found a quiet spot during the day?

It's like a far off diesel engine, some have called it the taos hum, heard in the states, europe, the u.k.

Throb, wob, wob, like the planet humming deeply, like the far off noises of the Elephant, deep so as to be heard from a long way away by their fellow herd members and other individuals, deep, like the pulse of the planet for a while I wondered if it was in my head, could I hear my own pulsing rythym?

Regular, or speeding up and slowing down, throb throb throb, I want it over, I want to know the truth.

I must know so I go on finding videos, books, articles, sources of information that teach me ought.

Something that is probable, five minutes ought to be enough time, whose five minutes though?

Have you ever noticed that some peoples minutes are longer than others?  Mine can be...

I can stretch time, get more done in a short period or make a long time come soon.

Is that just our own internal clock, our own perception of the passing of time?

Or a good example of the ways in which I have always been different?

I'm being kind to myself because I have met good and the devil.

I have spoken to a female divine and a male divine, gods.

And in my conciousness, weaned from sleeping pills.

I had a most frightening experience of speaking.

In my head and being told I was going to hell.

That spurred me on to straighten up,

to fly right, to quit bad habits.

I'm wondering though if I made it all up, the good the bad and the ugly truth.

I have to ask myself the questions that others don't because I'll never know.

I'll never accept that this life is about buying things but forgive me please.

I used to think that was a good thing, gadgets, foreign holidays, abusing,

this planet, the people who strive to make our dreams come true, who work their asses off and die early to mine the minerals to make our games consoles, who work their fingers to the bones...

I've learnt so much that I can't let it go now, I can't go back to wanting things anymore.

You know I very much would like to disappear into the wilderness and connect...

To the earth and those few people who really know the truth if there are any.

To die without the support and treatment of modern medicine, to live...

To go hungry, to become feral in some ways, seek warmth, shelter,

the love of the planet and those who live in harmony with it.

To learn the truths, not have to wait for death to know.

To somehow find out what route to go after all.

'Cos it's got so fucking confusing right now.

The words that kept going through my head before, during the last six months were:-

The perfect storm
Damned if you do,
Damned if you don't

Songs would run through my mind, like amazing grace how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me

And of course the fact that they would have a religious undertone or actually be specifically christian wouldn't go unnoticed, after all that was how I was raised, although I always had eastern, bhuddist leanings, yes I know I spell it differently, I have been contacted, been connected, somehow had access to things, that later I found out to be true.  For instance Shiva's wife, Parvati, I knew that.

Then I checked it, now I could come to think of my subconcious as the sponge that it is.

A lot of the stuff that comes out when we're centred, when we're on it, is true.

It's in there and comes out again, like the Loch Ness monster being a plesiosaur, the ghost of one.

Who knows how much of this nonsense has any veracity to it, this pain has been so real though.

The pain that made me consider suicide so often that I couldn't see a helicopter without selfishingly wishing (I'm keeping the selfishingly thanks Nessie ;) it would crash into me so I could die, before realising that someone else would have to die too so that's no good, or seeing a huge fire on the estate and having the instant thought that I could jump into that and yes it would hurt but my pain would be over.

I'm clear and free of those thoughts for the most part, I have a purpose, im clearer about the sort of person I am now, I'm clearer about my responsibilities, clearer about what a loner I am.


Clear about how often I enjoy the social moments where it's all banter but no substance.

Clear how little quality time I actually spend with human beings, how much alone.

Clear how strange it is not to want to be around other people, to be with them.

Clear that there's something wrong, in terms of whatever others consider,

normality, clear how weird it is to finally see that, know that, be it.

Hmm not so much fun, I mean I can get by and everything.

Not sure that's really living, I miss the hugs I got out.

When I was healing from my experience of being god, when I wasn't living in fear of the unknown, when I was experiencing real life, and healing and feeling things for people and loving myself.

When I was experiencing synchronicities, and energies, and feeling connection and love.

Those were good days and maybe this is a needed process and growing learning time,

something I needed to be honest about, go through, a time to be something less.

See the reality of where things have gone wrong here, for others and me.

I don't know, the throbbing is there, in the background, except one day.

I heard a trumpet, what I describe as a clarion call, as if from on high.

A call from heaven, things are going to change, forever and a day.

I have this deep sense of a happy ending, the stress between.

The friction we are all causing by being addicted, stuck.

In our ways of being and seeing the worlds around us.

As though the illusion, the veil will slip finally.

Forgiveness abounding, resounding and yes,

astounding us all as we finally hear it.

The sound of a loving gods call,

come home my love, my dears.

Come back to godhead, to heaven, come in number 1 your time is up, you've been away too long, playing these games long past your bedtime, let me tuck you in, fill you in, tell you a story...

Of ages past and times to come when all of this will be resolved, when all things are one.

One truth, one tale, one love.

I hope so, hope dies last.

Thankyou Joey Potter.

For Light and Love

Jon
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