Love Is...

I think there's more love in the world these days, it's freer, it's easier to be with the one you love.

It's close to the surface, emotions, feelings, tears, catharsis, closer to the depths of who I am.

I've been on a spiritual journey and found deeper darker recesses of the human spirit.

Maybe I was kidding myself for many years, hiding from the real person inside.

All I know is that whatever I told myself, some of it was lies, some of it.

Some of the things I thought about others were just plain wrong, they were just excuses not to see myself as I really am, this year I've come closer to whoever or whatever that is, closer to wanting not to be here on this earth and the mistakes I've made are so clear, fading slowly, with the pain I feel, the reasons I have found to live on, to want to heal to be strong.  The closer I get to the end of everything the easier it is to let go and so all I'm doing is treading water when before I wanted to drown in it...

I met someone at the weekend and it was amazing to let go and relax and just be and be helped, held.

To take, to recieve not to give all the time or feel as though that is all you do, when I know I've been selfish, always made excuses for why I haven't had a job at times, or not bought presents because of that excuse or not bought cards for anniversaries or made a bigger deal of other peoples lives.

One day I will die and come to know the truth, either there's nothing after this or there is.

I worry that if I get too attached to anyone or anything it would become clear after.

It would become clear to everything who I was, even if I couldn't see it till now.

My arm hurts, the other one not the one that hurt first, I wanted to die.

Be careful what you wish for because I think you get it sooner,

or later, if I look over the things I have thought they're mad.

I was at times if not the whole time quite a weird fuck.

To be able to see that is so surreal, to see yourself.

So clearly to see how wrong you have been.

It would suck if it wasn't so enabling.

Kept me so honest these days.

Love everyone I met.

Found it hard.

To listen.

To crap.

Mine.

x