It isn't the event itself it's the bit before, it's the night before, if it's not for a while I've got a lot of time to work myself up into a state before, on the way, cycling, waking in the morning oh shit, im nervous.
I always used to avoid such things as anything that made me nervous which then becomes almost anything that makes you nervous then you start avoiding everything especially those things that make you nervous, anxious, scared out of your skin and withdraw when it's those very things, moments, times when you can be yourself that make life worth living in the first damn place.
so then you go out and you face whatever it was, it's my imagination, my fantasy of how things could be, feeling like a walter mitty character, to be honest I thought he was an actual person not a man in a book, who makes his life up in his head and then doesn't actually do anything in real life.
i've always had a vivid imagination, and a shyness around going out into the world, i've dealt with that over time by either avoiding anything i thought i couldn't handle which was mostly involving communication, i would say hi, someone would say hi how are you, i would answer fine, then that would be the end of the conversation, that meant i didn't have to connect, even with friends the way that you can have a conversation with someone you know well but not actually say anything
all i had to do was let other people assume whatever they liked, nod, laugh at the right times, say the right things to make them think I agreed, rather than cause an argument or even a crossed word
it's really easy, I spent years, avoiding connecting with people I didn't know, wondering what they wanted, then i realised it's a social convention to ask people you don't know and even the ones you know vaguely how they are but not care about the answer, not really, it's just what we say
hi how are you? fine how are you? fine great that's that then
i'm being ironic
these days i actually ask other people how they are and mean it
i don't avoid conversation if i can help it, often when meeting someone i don't know very well or someone i've just met i can be a little overwhelmed, a little over excited and at the point of introductions i tend not to hear or make the point of remembering their name like you should if you want to know it next time, because the stress of that first conversation or meeting takes it away, im too busy making sure im not dribbling everywhere, or spitting on someone, not really but it's all about me, not them, it's hard not to when you grew up being so self concious for some reason
it's an anxiety issue i believe, like i wouldn't like to eat in front of others at school, not primary school, although i was so fussy that i didnt eat much there either, just puddings and plate fulls of white rice, because it was all so overcooked or because my constant ear nose and throat and tonsilitis even after theyd been taken out made my tastebuds bland, my habit was there already of not trying new things, bigger school i mean when it came to feeling concious that others are watching when you're trying to eat, concious of yourself too much and not of others, not connecting, a pattern
i find humans weird, although not so much these days, i guess i've grown to like them a bit more
the rest of nature makes sense to me it always did, but we find ways to be so unnatural with each other, twisted power games, mental fuckups we insist on ego trips and toxic relationships
so i just assumed that after my first relations went awry, eerily scarily over too much too soon im not full grown for this i don't know im too naive fuck this was amazingly romantically perfectly tragic
not going to harp on, plucking strings to make the sound of some song been there done that over and out
but afterwards and i knew i would write this somehow i knew it was coming, i felt like saying it
i figured it would be better, given that along with other things i find im not good at
just not to try THAT again ergh why would i it hurt so fucking much
and to be fair, most other people are so straight laced, so inhumane
so unnatural they want things i don't they want a house which involves a life debt
a mortgage, a death cage, work at jobs you hate or dislike and take no joy from
pay off the house and the stuff in it, to live with some woman who wants stuff
so i figured it would be pointless to go with any of the women i met, cos they want stuff, if i get in their trap, entrapped by their dreams and wishes to be rich then i myself would too
i projected all sorts of things onto everyone, at this point im at my most human
and it sucks although im actually at a low ebb, ive come down to earth with a bump
and as low as i am, i know, it's just a stage, like the bottom of a trough of a wave
there's a higher me, a higher level of being ive been being lately, more an more
so i have to fix this part of me thats exposed at the moment, just be better
be more confident, this morning for instance, going back to what i was writing about at the start of this stream of unconciousness, erm it was the fact that i had luckily only a short time to know something was coming, i was off to visit someone i know vaguely, but have a good feeling about
that made it easier, social meetings are hard for me, if it gets to the point that i havent seen someone i know for a while, the longer it's been the harder it was, what will we talk about? GOD it's been too long, we;ve nothing in common, we dont work together anymore, why are we meeting up now?
not such an issue now, and this was a beautiful opportunity for me to try to make things right
so i cant complain and i tried desperately to stay in the moment i was in, not think or fantasise the next one or the moments to come when i arrive at my destination, its hard cos the mind does that
it goes back and forth like a fucking vcr on acid, or with acid poured in the slot of the dvd player
melting im melting going back and forth through time, arghhhfuck FUCKKKKK it was lovely
i rambled a bit i think, but i was much clamer than i would have been years ago, i find it easy to talk about me, im not going to be sexist here, how can i explain that ive always been inbetween the sexes, always felt more comfortable in the company of women, i even sound a little effeminate, i can hang with the gays and the straights and the guys who honour their feminine sides
much more easily than with the ones who think they have to be tough and rough and say those horrible things about im gonna do this or that to her bits, i never did get used to all that talk
when i first got bored and lonely and had to force myself to go up to the village where i live and make friends, and later when my dad said "you're not drinking enough" "im taking you up the pub" and then i ended up playing cards with him and his mates, drinking boddingtons like older men do and young men dont tend to at 18 or 19 or whatever it was i was at the time, gosh this is very normal stuff, not spiritual it's human stuff im coming from a human, person, perspective lately, and yet the spiritual higher side of life is very much developed there too, i seem to be able to draw on both more easily these days, like i can switch it on and off, wow, im glad that my barrel has been scraped out
im glad ive got a chance to practise these so called normal skills of whatever it is you normals do
rambling nervously getting sidetracked, erm yes so before we end up going back again lets go forward to today, i did have an issue like those days past, stop it, forwards, get to the present
erm yes so lately lots of my older worst habits and feelings have come back, to be worked on
for me to update the oldest firmware and software and wiring within, i get a chance to update me
i used to panic, and when it came to the crunch i might freeze, lock up, my brain hurts...
so now all this work ive done allows me to stop those old loops, so many ive noticed
lately old loops, old drum beats, heartbeats too quickly, i notice quicker and relax
i can do that with my breathing as i learnt and now im relearning restarting
the process to produce my energy from within, it comes from without
i draw it in, until it fills me up, two in breaths, two out breaths
in in out out, splitting the breath in two, a pregnant pause
it's how to oxygenate your system for more stamina
thats why they do it to make a woman calm when what she really wants to do is hyperventilate or scream like fuck that a baby is trying to come out of her twat thats grown to the size of a very large
change the subject although staying with the breath, i think thats it, no losing my religion
nope it's gone, dont know where it was going now, relaxing, ooohhhhh that was a rush
i dont want to get into that state any more, or any state anymore, cycling down alarms
cycling down into bristol today staying in the moment, mantra stay in the moment
my own internal knowing helped me, i asked it told me, stay calm, do this, not
that, yes you may want to not wear thermals or you'll sweat until you lose
about a stone in weight by the time you get there a sodden mess again
and i didn't i got there feeling pretty good, but then a little a lot
scared when it came to actually breathing in and out then say
hi how are you?
but actually wanting to know your reply
god help me when it's not just a friend
i think that's what's been going on though
i have to keep doing what scares me
so the more it scares me the greater it's
power over me to control the way i perceive
things that i face in front or behind, the past im not that bothered with but its come up here
the future well ya know lately ive gotten to the point of realising that it's out there
but that all ive got is today, this moment
so deal with that for now
so i will
x
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