nothing much - it's the world we live in that makes us this way, AND the way we are that makes the world we live in.

so I'm going to write something with no idea where it's going.  That's a very new thing for me, I've done it sometimes in the past, and let things just go where they will.  In my life, I've always been quite structured, made lists, prepared quite a lot, overthinked and overimagined how things would go.  Who would say what.

I suppose it's these flippin women I like and the effect they have on me, that is most disturbing in a good way

I've had so little to do, and my life was fairly empty, I was just rolling along.

Miserable with work, feeling chained to my car, chained to my life.

Work work work, socialise?  Oh no, not that again.

Hanging conversations where I end up feeling and looking bored, that don't go anywhere.

Talking about the fucking weather, talking about talking.  Let's just rot until we rot.

Then suddenly, a few years ago, everything took off.  I did too.

Started going out on my own, cos if I didn't I wouldn't go anywhere.

I guess it would help if I asked others to join, and I do now.

I try to get them to see that the world is open and free.

It's the people that live in it that aren't, that includes those who try to maintain the status quo.

The thing is that the status quo is a lie,  things change all the time, they don't stay put.

Right now we're in an emergency and treating it like another normal day.

Things in the media designed to make us fear stepping out of our front door, whether by accident or design we've gotten very good at practically living in a daze of information gathered and stuffed in our ears.  All sorts of stories that lead cos we bleed.  We die on a daily basis and are born, again and again the nature of this place means a large turn over.  Medicine is becoming a danger to the planet, or at least the fact that we're living through things that would have killed many in days gone by, and keeping the rest going long after their best before date.  The number of old people requiring medical help is the reason we are in such a crisis where the hospitals and other resources are at breaking point.  Immigration is merely something that has become easier since the world started getting smaller, people have always moved around, on a whim or by design.  Now you can get anywhere in the world in a day or two and if not to your final destination, you can make a lot of headway in that time and if the rest of the trip is by canoe or on foot, you'll defo be there in a week and a bit.

Kids don't worry about such things, or do they?  Well yes they do and it affects them more.

They're so vulnerable and open and not yet as jaded as the rest of us.

Not yet switched off when it comes to realising the obvious.

We need to stop carrying on like nothing is happening.

This will just end in tears, luckily they'll be cathartic.

If you don't do something to make your life better now, it's going to come down on you like a ton of bricks.

Every time a lesson comes to say hello, greet it with some trepidation fine, but be sociable.

Offer it a drink and a sit down, enter into a dialogue, ask this lesson it's purpose.

Start treating yourself better, accepting that what has gone before was right.

When it all comes down to you again, and there are no other excuses.

No-one else to blame, deal with your fears, your expectations.

Your hopes, your dreams, your experiences, your orgasms...

Terence Mckenna you've got a lot to answer for ;)

It's all good though mate, I love you again.

You see i was on a path towards seeing everything in a very different way.

I was starting to distrust everyone and everything, caught in two minds.

As dark as these times are, there's only light ahead of us now.

To believe anything else is to give up, a living death.

I see dead people, they're commuting to work.

Wandering slack jawed around costco.

Picking up something they don't need.

Vying for a parking space angrily.

Not letting go, but grasping.

Holding on, in desperation.

Hoping things will stay the same when they won't even if they ever could.

Times they are a changing, speeding up even when we're killing it.

When we're filling up our time with lovely people it's different.

As quickly as the days go by, a new one appears in a flash.

We see quite clearly if we're wasting them, it's a choice.

Go quietly into the dark night, or shine your light.

Dare to be different to all the normals you see.

Stand out amongst those below the parapet.

Stick out your neck and expect the noose.

Lay down on the bloody chopping block.

Waiting patiently but not caring about it.

I am free because whatever happens,

I'm doing my best to be one of us.

The folks who will speed change.

Whilst everyone else clings on,

like control freaks to a remote.

Let it happen, enter the dragon, let go, breath deep, stay strong, find your friends.

Make others your priority, work hard to make sure you die with a smile on.

Whether that's just the grin within that keeps your laughter lines hidden.

Or the giggle that escapes when someone lights up your life.

I'm your friend first, anything else is a bonus, get close.

Know that I'll always be there when you need me.

Not necessarily when you want me no ;)

I'm learning to love by loving all of us.

As for making love that's soon.

No rush or desperation.

Getting used to you.

To know you.

The right way.

Otherwise you might think I only want you for your body.

You might not believe me when I tell you you're beautiful.

The destination is the journey, the journey the way home.

Home is where the heart is, my heart is no longer running.

It's waiting patiently for others to get on the same page.

I'm going to keep on writing the book 'til the deadline.

Sometimes leaving things till the last minute, or not.

Sometimes leaving everyone to be alone.

Sometimes needing my own space.

My own time, then I miss you.

Need your warm embrace.

Need to give you my love.

Not asking for anything.

Just to be with you.

Feel with you.

My friends.

Your pain.

Your love.

For now.

Is all.

I am.


Love
Jon
x

Focus Power Daniel San

Don't know why I've put that as the title, I used to have it as a motivational message as my phone turned on back in the day.  I was going to say something about the difference between the two extremes when it comes to a connection with someone.  In my case, when I know someone well, I can tell if they're going to pop in. It's very handy as I get a day or so's notice that I need to tidy up.  In fact I don't yet know that this means someone is coming or who, although it's easy to guess that, I get a vague hint at the start and if you've only got one best friend the feeling is easy to distinguish.  Does that sound impossible to you?  Unlikely?  Daft?  OUTRAGEOUS?!

The caps were a mistake but i'm leaving them now so there.

Um yeah so it's a natural thing for me to get close to people, merely by spending time with them, sometimes having adventures and near misses and narrow escapes with them brings us near, or the time I had a full on love affair with a woman in the states, that I've never met, and only exchanged emails with.  For all I know, and her facebook now has the picture of a man as the profile pic ;) she's a very decent young woman who went back, on my advice, to her ex.  To give him one more chance at really making a go of their relationship.  It involved nightclubs and all sorts of wonderful surprises and later on some not so amazing things like sex addiction.  She could be a man who made the whole thing up, but the connection was real.  I would wake and turn the pc on and KNOW there was an email waiting for me, random times of the day or night I would need to check, there would be one written minutes before and I would write a reply, get some kip for two hours or 90 minutes or however long, wake find a reply, reply...

That was a lovely time around mid winter 2010 and reminded me how great it was to have someone to be myself with, truly, not some mate who likes to talk about well everyone and everything, not just a friend who I can be really honest with, but someone you can share your deepest fears with and greatest triumphs and then fuck ;) although our conversations were only ever platonic and romantic and loving and rewarding.  All of them,especially the difficult ones.

And it was even stronger than any connection, any link I'd ever had and over the thousands of miles from the u.k.to Miami, or new york or wherever it was this person was based.  Goes to show that the distance between two people means nothing. For all I know it could have been anywhere, however I think there is one thing I have to keep in mind.  The love was real.

The feeling deep inside, and all over me, the energy I receieved, the love i gave, all so very real.

I miss writing long letters.
Longing replies.
Love
Jon
x

boys to men

Males need to change their attitude towards females, the stuff I hear my friends saying about women they dont know or even the ones they do, is pretty disgusting.  It's obviously come from the fact that our behaviour and language has come to us from our role models and from influences in society.

If you won't say something to someone's face that you will happily say behind their back?

After all, if we all actually said what we were thinking, instead of not telling the truth...

We'd live in a world where people with problems would always get help.

Nothing that needed to be raised would ever go unsaid again.

I have to admit to being a stickler for telling my friends what they need to hear when they need to hear it.

Unfortunately I also tell them what they couldn't care less about when they'd rather not listen at all ;)

So I've had to learn to not say whatever comes into my head, and fib or just plain lie like you lot

Took some getting used to, I still just like to blurt out the truth when I can and get in trouble

What a funny old place we live in where the truth hurts and a lie is the lesser of two evils

Anyone would think that none of us want the others to know the truth about them

We are the others though to them, so there's a conspiracy going on not to let on

That we are all the same where it counts just the names have been changed

The locations, the dates, the details are all just parameters on a graph

At the far right hand end is today and off the chart is tomorrow

Let's stop worrying about trends or forecasts and live now

Making sure to do the best job we can of being true

To who we are, to our friends and family

And to this world that we live in

Which breathes as we do

Just more slowly

Hear her sigh

of love

Jon

x

person-ally

i don't write as a man i write as a person
i don't think of myself as a man first
i don't think of others in this way
i judge them on their behaviour
i test to see, can I trust them
i don't have an agenda
i don't want anything
i need something
connections

I got em
love
Jon
x

P.S.  When the world again knows each other, and we are becoming more and more connected, more community based, more local and global at the same time, opening our hearts to those around the world, when the world again knows each other, we will all look out for each other, we'll all know who needs the greatest care, and so many will be healers.  Look around, not at the world you grew up in, not at the one you were told is out there, but actually look, and listen, and hear, and smell and taste it.  FEEL IT!

Thinking has done us proud in terms of going as far as it can take us,down the wrong road.

Feeling is where it's at, where we create.

Thinking destroys creativity.

Creates a bad plot.

Write it better this time.

Feel your way to loving life again...

mistuned radio transmitter

i can't get a signal, it's not working,nothings working.  My mouth's dry, I can't think of anything to say.  I know I should be asking, personal, questions...  I want to, need to know, all about this person and all I can think about is kissing her.  Riddled with insecurities and past nightmares involving nervous awkward attempts to string a sentence together whilst in the company of someone whose sheer presence in such close proximity only sends me into apoplexy with a strong connection and an energy that transforms me into a person I really like.  The one I should be all the time, expressing my disdain at the world, cheekily and also with a dark sense of humour and so I'm told witty, as I can't tell a joke to save my life trying to use it to make this world a better place.  Earnestly over-excitedly running my  mouth off about this or that aspect of the spiritual transformation of the planet that is occurring, energetically and using any aspect of what someone says to read the subtext and translate it back.  A mirror shows a reflection, when a person mirrors us we see our true face, from their perspective of course...  It's usually so biased as there are so many things coming into consideration all at the same time.  For others...  I really live in the moment and I am not concerned with the future when right now there's a chance for me to get over my nerves, use them as my own energy, converting it into courage.  Anyway that's all nonsense cos  well it seems silly to admit this but I went on my first date the other year.  In 2011 I was in a very fast story arch indeed, what seemed to me like 9 months was crammed into 9 days.  I don't get as fucked as other people, someone told me the other day that they'd never seen me out of it, and that's true, although there was an occasion after this ;)

Yeah at the time I had no worries, no misgivings, no thoughts of any kind other than getting on with living.

I was going to be a couple of minutes late so I sent a txt to make sure I didn't leave her hanging which I think I got away with, we talked and chatted and got on just aswell as we had the night we met too, the conversation fitted comfortably around a takeaway that we were able to eat in the pub because they didn't do food and I had some history in the Old Stillage already...

Loads of things had been going so well, comfortably fitting together nicely, new job, new local my home away from home at the Old Stillage, where I would go for a cider before heading out in Bristol. At the same time though I was also overconfident, arrogant and bullheaded, overbearing all sorts of other overs and unders going on, on a downwards slope from the greatest high of my life.

I can quite happily sit in a crowded place on my own, I'll people watch or just mess around in my head for a bit, always have had the ability to please myself and my own company is very important to me.  I do my best thinking when I'm alone, although brain storming with other people is awesome as the parts and whole become a combined powerhouse of inspiration, critical inspection and somewhere you can be free to voice your opinion without fear of sensure, just a piss taking!

My tent for instance was shit, by now a pole had snapped that meant the whole thing had a bedraggled look,somewhat I assume like I did by sunday let alone monday.  Although I slept a load this time, I'd had a tough week, I heard from others it had been for many people.  We can feel the time, the wibbly wobbly timey wimeyness of it all, the ebb and flow of the passage of it as we are swept along...

Anyways so I can't flirt with and definitely not make innuendos towards the women that I'm most attracted to, the ones I'm most drawn to,the ones I want to be best friends with let alone anything else.  My first concern is making a good impression on someone that I already know is going to be important to me.  Not in the long term as I don't think too far ahead although it's hard not to.  After all if you can't dream, you can't believe, you can't create, you can't succeed.  It's  cliche but it's true.

So I end up having a fucking drastic struggle to ensure I just keep in mind that they'd never be interested in me in a million years ;) tongue in cheek, I'm not suffering from a complete lack of self confidence but a lot of it is front, orfaking it until it's real and I'm past my inhibitions.  There's a threshold inside, the doggy shaking when you try to reprogram them from doing a thing they like but you don't...  Inside me there's a thought process and an emotional connection and reaction that causes me to panic, fight or flight, and I haven't fought in a while, I'm fucking amazing but I've reserved my bouts to those with people I really love.  Flight has been my fucking nickname, Jonny Run-Home, Forrest Walker, Jonny Gump, the list goes on.

When You change your attitude to the world, the World changes its attitude to You

Now I could have started that sentence with If, but if I had I would have linguistically committed suicide, because If's involve negative connotations, When's however are about results, about what happened, when...

So all I can do is hope that the fact I've been in one relationship nearly twenty years ago, dated someone for nine days a couple of years ago and met a few people I really like lately doesn't count for a whole lot of practise, I have a knack for saying the wrong thing, then digging myself into a giant hole, before sometimes, usually somehow, managing to climb out of it with some self respect left and not having insulted the other person too much if not turning the whole thing into the compliment it was meant to be in the first place with a load of luck and not thinking, but carrying on saying what I feel like saying.

I tell it like it is, I go on what I know.

Loved being able to be in the presence of such beauty in the past few weeks, I really enjoy the bit where I relax and manage to have fun talking to you and not getting sensory overload when my pupils dilate and my eyes dart from yours to your mouth, I need you but I'm too dammed stupid to say so.  The energy takes my breath away, I get tingles from the tip of my crown to the base of my spine, none of this is arousal as you would have it, this is a connection that goes beyond just sex.  And it is quite the same for anyone male or female although not as pronounced when I'm talking to a man as it's a familiar wavelength, women drive me haywire.  In a good way though, I wouldn't have it any other.  I can tell how much I like someone by how unable to talk to them I am, or how witless at doing the one thing I would like to, ensuring I get to spend some time alone with them or suggesting something we could do together and then seeing whether that should entail just us two or not, going through the coded bargaining process and haggling, combining thoughts and feelings to communicate where we're both feeling is the way forward.  I can't stand all the dancing around but can't get the words to that effect out, I'm a shy abrupt loud diplomatic dick  Although this isn't a hard and fast rule as I can stumble when I'm talking to anyone, all the time, I'm so far away with the pixies or off in another universe of possibilities in my mind that I often find normal day to day conversations a drag, to have to draw myself back from wherever it was I was.

That said when my focus is on you it's all yours, I'm not going to go around flirting with people in front of you, or even that interested in anyone beyond you, other than friends and people I do have fun with, there's loads of women I really enjoy having contact with and we have a close bond and the openess of knowing we can share our doubt or thought or feelings and sound someone else out or just rant and get it off our chests or have someone tell us to snap out of it and realise when we're just doing the same old thing again and messing it all up and then losing confidence and thinking and overthinking and STOP!

Make a change, stop looking at texts over and over, keep them though if they cheer you up.

Stop going through photgraphs, take a good look when they're new and when you feel like it.

Don't worry so much when you don't hear from someone, my friend said Attachment Syndrome?

It's hard  as I am able to drop people like that,not in a nasty way, but when our times up, it's not always meant to last forever, we're in each others' lives for a reason, when that's up and no others have emerged it's obvious that things have changed.  When this is about friends or whoever that's fine, when it's someone that you instantly know, more or less, that you're interested in beyond all the normal chit chat, and beyond what they look like, that's so shallow, I could be quoted but I've said before and I'll say it again, it doesn't matter what they look like if they're not a good person you're wasting your time.  The more you get to know someone the better you can tell how deep the veneer goes.  I don't have a thick skin, I stupidly act my mental age of twelfety thirty didgeridoo and for good or for bad if you still like me that's cool if not, my loss.

You see I would like to know everyone I meet or see, the ones that I click with, and more importantly the ones I don't...  The more you get to know the ones you don't, the more you can see that they are often your mirror or your fear and it becomes abundantly clear that they aren't who or what you thought they were, because nothing rarely is.

And as clear as mud is my windscreen as I just don't know what to do or say.

I'll wing it and go with my gut and my heart and my head a little for grammar and spell checking.

I don't want anything, I need what you would like to share with me and I can share with you.

It's as simple or as difficult as you want to make it, nip things in the bud or tend them.

The orchard is awash with blossom at last...  Spring has sprung into a summer

of love
Jon
x