The Flux Anticipator

"And that's when you came up with the idea for the Flux Capacitor... Which... is what makes time travel possible."

I'm the flux anticipator...
 
Been banging my head a lot, against invisible brick walls, like an extra prick at a wedding, 'going spare'.

That's slang for Gnarls Barkley's greatest hit...  Their names don't fit, alter egos, made up.

So who am I if not Jon Paul Walker?  Is there an alter me?  Someone enshrined?

They, (oh no not them) go on about our higher selves, I did quite a bit last year.

Least said, soonest mended.  Not a good saying that, deal with it now.

Don't let things fester, not working out what I want to say, letting it flow, from an inspiration.

As it goes, is another saying, I'm good as it goes.  I am as things are going these days.


You see I've spent my entire life not challenging other peoples crazy ideas, run with them if that's the way you feel the world works... I thought.  Not how I see it at all, but I don't want to, wont go there, wont start an argument.  Wouldn't, didn't, couldn't.  Now I see it's cos I would have to face my own notions.

Now I'm not so sure, you see it's come to my attention that a lot of what other people say and do has some merit ;)  Tongue totally in cheek there btw...

You can never be sure how much of your sense of humour or indeed cynicism etc comes across in the words used to describe a point of view.

For my part I have spent a lot of time lately having to give the words of others far more credence, and have been assuming that everything I say and do is well, going from plain dumb to all out insanity.

Although for my part I got a lot of what I felt was right from instinctual beliefs within me.

It's gotten to the point that I am constantly scarifying everything I say and do.

Trying to find the moss within my verdant lawn and remove it.

Find the weeds and decide on the basis of are they flowers?

Removing parts I don't see having any legs in the future.

And it's made me so much more self concious than I ever thought possible.

But then I never really asked myself so many questions before.

I made too many assumptions on the basis that everyone else followed the rules for no reason.

Experientially, experimentally I found other ways of doing things, from practise.

I would not clean my teeth that often for instance, however I would clean them regularly when it suited.

I know that my father has something to do with that, he would almost rather lose all his,

than visit a dentist often and have them mess around to try to keep them.

I was an anti smoker of the extreme variety, akin to an ex smoker.

For so many years I avoided it, tried it once, disgusted.

Then got the bug after giving in, alcohol made me,

I could say that but peer pressure too.

Then they got fed up of me skavving off them and I had to start buying my own.

Until I was a twenty or more a day man, smoking straights as we call them,

years later switching to tobacco and hand rolled versions, now quit again.

Although I am smoking at weekends and occasionally in the week.

So I haven't quit, as with everything else, including spirituality,

they're habits, passtimes, in the beginning I assumed,

that I was different, drawn to spirituality for a reason, lead down a path to meaning.

So I avoided lots of things, thought I was a good guy drawn into bad behaviour.

I've done lots of stupid things, been unrequited on more than one occasion.

I don't just wear my heart on my sleeve, it's on my face, and I have to be,

so careful not to shock or disappoint because how I feel is so obvious.

I can't hide it, my rubber face, my nickname rubber Jonny...

So what's the truth?  I don't know but I now feel very different, drawn to different types.

Accepting that I've avoided some of the best experiences I've never had, like sex.

I had this inner me that was convinced I was saving myself for someone I loved.

I was, only I didn't tell them that, so that I could be safe in my loneliness.

So that I could cowardly not face the difficult questions like will you?

Do you?  I like you, do you like me?  So childlike, I haven't grown.

Or at least I hadn't, and then my libido went with my weed habit.

Instead of finding myself constantly horny, I wasn't very, hardly ever...

Like a switch flipped, a lighthouse turned off, no beacon of desire.

I don't desire sex, I desire love, I gave love or so I thought.

It's got me on my toes, and they're hurting all the time.

I'm still convinced there's something wrong but,

too damn scared to find out while the rest is in flux.

Slowly so slowly I feel more of me returning from wherever,

it was that I went.  It's been a wild ol' ride, the hardest of my life.

I've opened up, started trusting people with my feelings, my thoughts.

That's the scariest place I've ever been to, and I'm still trying to find my way.

Candle burning down, not at both ends,I was the last one up and first to rise too.

Last to go to sleep, unable to drop off anywhere but at home until exhaustion took over.

Now they say that sleep deprivation can become symptomatic of psychological illness, well.

I wouldn't go that far, not anymore, I haven't asked myself those questions recently,

not as much anyway, I mean I don't want to hurt anyone, haven't wanted to hurt.

Been running from so many weird and shitty filled holes that I could have died.

Dived into them with abandon, when I'm learning so much that I can't explain.

Seeing patterns where there are none?  Feeling energy where there is none?

Having experiences so beyond the pail, no longer vertical or watertight.

More of a bucket to be kicked, filled with lists of things I haven't...

Breaking out, not leaving it till the last minute, sure I need not.

There aren't any more stories coming from my lips, I can't.

Don't want to repeat the same old tired lines, remember.

Feel, emotions, express, desires, light the fires.

Of love
Jon
x

A Message from Eternity

Inspiration, being inspired.  To have a spire rise within us.

Within us when we muse, when we think, when we're day dreaming, ideas come from somewhere...

They start with a seed, whatever has set us thinking, they grow from who knows where?

Where does inspiration come from?  Some might say from within our own minds,

but for me, it comes from without not within.  A repository of information.

Somewhere outside of us, in the ether, another dimension.

The void, the Chasm, the place where everything sprang from in less than an instant.

Billions of years ago there was nothing, or at least there was supposed to be.

Then bang, everything appeared as if by magic and spread around.

Cooled, formed, got further apart having been so close.

Then we appeared out of nature, with a reason.

That has sustained us until now, only rationalising our position in the grand scheme.

Working out our place, using the scientific method, guesswork, instinct.

If only everyone knew where the source of all breakthroughs,

broke through...  The majority were in dreams,

as Agatha Christie claimed, whilst washing dishes, where her best ideas came from.

When our attention is elsewhere, asleep perchance to dream, dropping off.

Not thinking, feeling, not grasping, being, not trying, relaxing.

All our best ideas were accidents, happy ones.

That lead us to war and atom bombs.

And death across the world.

We live and die.

New films, things in the present, tell of a future coming soon to a planet near you.

For me everything out there tells a tale similar to the one behind it all, somehow.
 
When we try to come up with something original, it's coloured by the past.

And a murky time called not yet, hasn't occurred except in our minds.

Creation and destruction merely aspects of the same process.

When I walk I am trampling living things to death.

So I had better make sure I need to go.

Wherever it is inspiration leads me.

I hope it's finally to,

Love
Jon
x

Nothing to Fear

I could look at the world and conclude that none of it is real, and that therefore I have nothing whatsoever to fear.  Except death, but then it will come when it comes, so I need not fear even that, especially that.  For once you accept death as your ever present companion and stop trying to escape it, stop trying to prevent it, stop avoiding discussing it, there really is nothing else going on.  We are born and then we die.  The bit in the middle is called life and that's for living.  (I may have nicked that little mini speech from Dave Lister but hey).

I'm forty soon, and it started preying on my mind quite early this year.  I had also set myself a goal of finding someone to love, or more to the point loving someone, loving everyone, and then expressing to the utmost.

It's not that I'm a virgin but when it's been as long as it has for me, you start to feel like one.

Intimacy is something that I'm out of practise, er with...

Although I have made some great strides towards opening up.

I've met more people, shared more conversations, shared more feelings.

Had so many chances to laugh, express myself, hear another's stories, be close.

Hibition, being inhibited as we are in modern life, don't shout, don't be emotional, don't be.

We're so uptight, or we were, I was anyway.  That's a lie clearly, me the one who shaved head.

Who wore things to be provocative, there's been two of me though, the one inside who seeped out.

The one outside that seeped in.  The outside influences often either making me quake or open up.

Growing in one sense, in confidence up to a point, when challenges seemed insurmountable.

Then I crawled back inside, back in my shell, whilst at the same time desperate not to.

Get out there. But I'm scared, I'm frustrated, I'm shy, are you? Really? You?

Who dances like there's no tomorrow, who strips off, screams soundlessly.

Who can talk to anyone, share anything, answer questions truthfully.

So many inconsistencies, many versions, depending on company.

Who am I?  Could I be the person I was again? NOOOO!

Please god no.  Stopped asking myself stupid questions.

Stopped for the moment, opening back up, prising.

Prizing the good aspects, calming the bad.

I was so outspoken, so much trouble.

Now all I want is to be healthy.

I do so much, feel so much.

There's someone I like.

But I don't want to ruin it.

It's funny, surreal, for me to be,

the one who isn't obsessed or overly,

enthusiastic, like I've reached some kind of balance.

Some kind of equilibrium, still not bothered about t.v. the music charts.

The consumerist obsession with buying things I don't need, although I will get presents.

For other people, I've been saving up so I don't spend Christmas the same way I have recently.

I'll fit in, deal with the Birthday thing, avoid celebrating, as it's just another day, I'm glad I didn't quit.

I was just hanging in there until the summer was over, for other peoples benefit, for others I can do anything.


I can be anyone for others...

Do anything.

But,

for me?

Maybe.

We'll see.

One day, someday.

Love
Jon
x

Imitating DIRT - Intimate Sex

There's the public me, the one whose comfortable.  Then there's the private me, the one whose shy and uncomfortable.  Then there's bits of me inbetween, situation dependent, company dependent...

I kept myself to the people, places I was used to, I didn't go anywhere new unless I was really keen.  I would do a lot of things on my own, because I couldn't find anyone who wanted to do them with me.

I was interested in places and things that others weren't, I spent a lot of time on my own in nature.

Sometimes it felt wrong to share that with others, they spoilt it for me.

I'm looking back over my life wondering who I am, was, will be.

Was I always this screwed up, this different and just fitting in?

You see I feel different, I've opened up and explained.  I've asked others, I've started to see others in a different light, I've started to communicate more, to ask questions, to say what I'm thinking more.

Finding that they return with their own versions of themselves, from their perspective.

Still fucking annoyed at the amount of lying that goes on.

The number of conversations that are about nothing.

The weather, the fucking weather, I feel it in my gut, I can sense the lack of interest, I can see the nuance, the minutia of the interactions, I know you're not interested in the reply so why ask the question?

It's all so fucking bland, I could easily spend the rest of my life in a comfortable silence rather than filling the beautiful space with mouth noises for no reason.

Only thing at the moment is that my internal world has been turned upside down, inside out, it's gone dark.

It was wonderful and now it's been filled up with darkness, dirty thoughts, nasty thoughts, the danger of the world has come in to stay, the filth, stuff I never conceived, stuff I would never have believed, things I don't want to have to accept are possible let alone actually happen constantly in a world so fucked up and putrid.

Death, mortality, myself.

I don't recognise myself and yet I know this is the real me that I'm seeing, so what was I looking at before?

How much of my past has been merely my own perspective, my own opinion, my own colouration of a life.

Filling in the painting by numbers, until I realise I've run out of patience, paint, time, everything.

My life was going nowhere, I didn't feel like I deserved any of the normal things, love, marriage, houses that whole crapola scam, mortgages that invent money and we pay the interest back to bankers for something they just made up out of thin air.  It's all a joke a bad one on us...

---

Intimacy for sex?

Am I alone in thinking that I want to become close to someone for intimacy, not sex or not just for sex?

I want intimacy because it feels nice to get close, and if it leads to sex, that's making love in my eyes.

Making friendships that turn into something more, meeting new people, building a future.

Getting to know someone, takes time, there's no point in rushing it, rush in rush out.

Everyone is in such a hurry these days, short attention spans, short cuts, drive fast.

I don't want to be that intimate with someone I just met, unless we're getting on very well and it seems like we may well do for a while yet.  That way I might not get to read the last page, but I don't deserve to jump right to the end of the book, if I can't be bothered to start at the beginning and enjoy the whole thing.

Kissing, cuddling, small mouth noises, called little nothings, whispers of contentment.

In my ear, and out your other one.

Words, sounds, life.

---

Been here before, feeling like an outsider, feeling dead, feeling numb, feeling like the worlds too much for me, life is too much, scary, distrusting, lost everything and everyone I cared about before, lost them deliberately, for the sake of progress, towards some kind of spiritual renaissance, to find meaning, the meaning of life.

It's a bust, it's a game, it's a fucking travesty is what it is.

I can surely keep on going, riding the crest of waves,

scouring the earth for some more facts and figures.

Keep on working back, finding things to occupy.

Go to the movies, Movies, fuck you spell checker,get a life!

It's saying movies isn't a word, well I say it is so.

Arguing with a computer, having old thoughts.

Going back over things, things I've done,

No-one else understands me.

They can't because they aren't me...

I can see why some people go out of their way to get their message across.

It's because people weren't listening, they just didn't get it.

Happens to me every day, internally I go through this process...

You're not listening, you're talknig over me, I wasn't finished.

So I will shut the fuck up, I don't see the point...

Don't get me started,if it's something I'm passionate about you won't want to hear it all.

You don't, I can feel you, hear you, see you switching off so fuck you too.

If you tell me to do something I think you're insulting my inteligence,

if you don't tell me what to do I think you're leaving me hanging,

I'm a fucking nightmare I don't know how I ever managed to live up to this point.

I don't know how I've managed to get here without imploding... blammo!

I can see myself for who I am and I don't like this person,he's a freak.

With insights that don't seem to be getting me anywhere good.

When someone asks me a question, it takes me away.

I can do that for others, work out their problems.

I used to be a problem solver, I worked out and implemented solutions, now I just pick holes in everything.

I don't even think of ways that I could improve the situation, I just put up with it, or complain like fuck,

I can see all sorts of bizarre and strange things, I even had the thought to destroy for no reason.

Not that I'm seeing things, seeing things within my thought processes, that are strange.

It's all so confusing, I have to assume that at some point I became this way, or that I've always been this way but never noticed, or had somehow come to an agreement with myself, a way of getting through the day.

It's like the veneer, the scales have dropped from my eyes, so when I look at myself from outside, when i listen to myself I think what a cunt!  I think what an idiot, I am dropping a lot of theories, a lot of misconceptions, a lot of desires, a lot of everything, I'm so fucking skeptical again, when it was so comforting to have become a believer.

I just want this place done with, this reality is so much junk and bunkem, hanging in there.

I want this year to be the last, Christmas can suck my ass, I'm respectful of people that might have been real, I try to be the well mannered person I was brought up to be, finding all the things I notices about others infecting me, I keep making mistakes, so clumsy, hitting my head, scratching my scalp, breaking things.

Feeling aches, pains, like I'm going to become really ill, I have had the occasional relapse into thinking I should just die, not asking for it, or going through the motions, a minor relapse to what it was like a few months ago, nothing major, I can take it, wake up and shake it off, or just let this punishment continue, as my mind continually replays the things I've done wrong, the mind so powerful I must have blanked them out so well that they only came to me in true dark moments, dark nights of the soul, so rarely and I had rationalised them so well, as my thoughts, as my memories became clear, I could see possible routes through...

I have to live with that prospect, that possibility, it makes me so unhappy it's killing me.

And then I wake up and face another day, a prisoner in my mind, punished by my life.

I did a good deed the other day, a really good one, the kind where someone says:-

"I couldn't believe no-one stopped to help, but you did"...

I can only judge myself harshly, and keep trying.

I look back to certain events, was that a sign?

Should I have been in therapy?

Am I safe to be around?

Doubting myself more.

I know I am, only...

Al I know now is that if the world ends (as we know it, anyway) in December, I won't care much...

If we all die and go somewhere else, it'll be a blessed relief, there is no hell or heaven only...

What we create for ourselves, we carry our mind, our thoughts over, and recreate,
the place where we believe we deserve to reside for eternity.

Or until we feel like we've suffered enough.

I don't know anymore,the things I've seen, done, experienced, the people I've met, the things I'm experiencing now, the places I'm going to, the times that I am living through, the world today.

It's a giant mess and it's getting messier.

I don't know, care, feel anything.

I can't be certain that's for sure.

Uncertainty is a fearful place.

I believe in love,

Jon
x

It's just that you seem so familiar and yet I know we've never met

Recognising my own deficiencies...

I've rolled through life, rarely putting my head on the chopping block, or above the parapet.

I've expected to fail so I didn't even try to succeed.

Unless or until things get desperate.

And then I try.

And sometimes I surprise myself.

When I relax and just let go and be.

I fuck up, or something comes along and kicks me in the nuts.

In the past whenever I felt like things were going great, that's when it would turn.

Recently, I accidentally, through my own enthusiasm, broke something.

It's costing money to fix, and it feels like I've done it again.

Clumsily broken something, without thinking.

And then people keep telling me not to.

Think at all, or only think, get out of your head.

But that's where I've been my whole life.

Trapped up there, my heart frozen.

Then I worked on my heart.

I breathed in love.

It melted my heart.

My confidence grew.

It took away my fear at last.

I tried new things, and old things.

I saw some amazing things too and felt some.

Left behind were memories, patterns, habits, still.

I've gone back there, spotted them deep within, working on them.

Don't keep mulling over things I said, or they said, or that I could say.

I jump to conclusions, I have instincts again, it's all a mess, a maze, a labyrinth.

My heart says that we are all one, that there are other dimensions, that this is a test.

So following advice I will be working to unite my centers, head, heart, my gut just makes farts.

When good things happen I don't feel like I deserve them, I want all the badness gotten rid.

If there is a core, a divine spark, it's turned off, I've gone downhill, backtracking.

I always felt connected to everyone, when things were going good for me they were for the world.

When they were going good for the world, they were for me, trends, patterns, little hints.

It's a mess, we're a mess, what is true?  What is lies?  Is it all true, is it all lies?

I can only keep writing what comes along, my muse was dead, reborn.

My teacher said, you have so many ideas if only you could concentrate on one...

If you self edited, if you could try to get one fleshed out instead of all of them.

I'm not even sure if that's what they said, it was over twenty years ago.

I'm not sure of anything that happened before today to be honest.

This life became a dream, then a nightmare, was always so.

If I believe in bad people, if I believe in good ones.

Then all I have to do is focus on the good.

Ignore and reject the bad for the good.

I had to see the bad again to see what I don't want.

I had to see the truth within me, be honest.

I have to strive even harder then.

I miss my dream world.

Waking life is hard.

Love is real.

Life is?

Love
Jon
x

Something wicked this way comes

Wicked has come to mean ace, bad means good, doesn't matter what things meant in the past, the heart of the matter is all that er matters ;)

Something clicked into place last night, things are finally becoming clear, the last 13 / 14 months have been shockingly bad, no really bad, not good.  However at last it all seems to be making sense, I can see why I had to go through it all.

I've been broken down and built back up again from scratch...

Honestly facing aspects of myself that I didn't even accept were there before.

Old shit, new shit, current shit, all melded into the shit I am now...

Old paradigms, old beliefs, old ways, old thoughts, old me's.

So what's this new one gonna be like?

Am I now thoroughly capable of being completely true to myself?

It's a wild ride, a long gallop, a scary assed journey.

Step by step I make progress.

Came to doubt the things I held so dear, to doubt myself completely,

only thing is to truly move on, to truly get past the past...

I found myself inspired again, in the position of needing to get up out of bed and write loads of things that came to mind down or lose them by the morning, couldn't get off to sleep, lost my focus, but regained the unfocussed, relaxed state that brings with it lots of new ideas...

So it's a bargaining process, I will likely lose some sleep over this, becoming a mixture of all the versions, to become one with all the bits, to accept the stuff I would rather not in the long run, in the short term I have to, to reveal the hidden depths, whatever was wrapped up in, repressed along with, to gain new insights.

Love
Jon
x

Fear Itself - Daring to Dream

Facing my fears, facing my past, facing myself finally...

I've got so much anger, pent up, repressed, I'm unable to express how I feel in certain circumstances, it just gets the defences up, I can't be honest with those closest to me, they can't deal with it.  I've had too much to say, had too many concerns going through my mind, had so much concern, full of care, way too careful.

Fear itself is the biggest obstacle, I had gotten to the point of not caring, so I suppose it's a balancing act as always.

Daring to dream again...

I guess I've been disappointed so often in the past, with others letting me down but more myself just not getting involved.  So it's clear to me how concious I've been of nature, I don't want to leave behind a mess, I want to make sure that my impact on the planet is the least I can manage.

Losing my fears, regaining my dream, learning to express my anger, my pent up emotions, getting closer to revealing who I really am, whilst managing that in case I go too far, there's so much I haven't said, and now I'm not too sure of myself, I don't like the aspects that have been revealed when the tide went out, like the build up to a tsunami, the waters sucked out fast leaving so many rocky pools, right before the entirety of the ocean came crashing back in...

Love
Jon
x

I can't get no inspiration but I try and I try and I try I can't get no...

So what shall I write about today?

Haven't been doing anything to give me any inspiration, get home, feel tired, don't shower, get food, do internet stuff, veg in front of Facebook, feeling so uninspired, so old me, so useless, so scared all the time.

And then there's this basic, level, of not caring, not scaredness, where I'm no where near as anxious about things that are coming up, don't spend anywhere near as much time thinking, overthinking, worrying about stuff, and just get on with it when it does arrive.  Like my brain state is becoming retrained, the two versions becoming one, the old me, the new me, the old new me and the new old me, all variations slowly settling into one person...   So as much as I feel listless, as much as I'm just going through the motions, there are a lot of positives, and it seems hard to accept that but it's true.

I've been out quite a bit, seen people whose company I enjoy, danced my ass off and really revelled in the feeling of transcendence that ensues, loving trancing out, stomping my way through good tunes...

Not listening to music at home, tending to be reading most of the time, that's very old me, you see I don't have, I do have, but don't use my mp3 players, my phone I just use for the basics, texting and for emergencies and not keeping in touch, that's very old me too, although I just don't have any reason, when I think of someone I send them a message, but often, too often, I'm just self absorbed, self concious, still checking and rechecking and oftentimes just obsessed with 'what am I thinking now?'...

It's become a pattern, a habit and it was waning as the different aspects grew less obvious, however for some reason last week, and the weekend in particular, caused a relapse, I could blame a bad habit or two, and I will do so and stop them for a while in the hope that it was they, (smoking things)...

There's the tunes getting stuck in my head problem, although I'm starting to see that it's just what used to happen only I recently get a little hettup by it, everyone can get a song stuck in their minds, it's that sometimes only the one line repeating and it's so annoying but finding it less of an issue gradually.

Then there's nasty thoughts or should I say the way in which my mind can go to the gutter, I don't remember it doing that so much before, whether I had locked the dirty filthy part of me away forever until recently I don't know, but now that it's loose it's really having a field day.

Then there's me remembering the different aspects and remembering the different things that have happened.

That's far less of a problem, as that's just memories of things not the things themselves, so I can feel it slowly diminishing, slowly getting better, good days rolling on, I feel guilty for feeling good, I feel guilty for not feeling guilty, I feel bad for not feeling bad, I know that no-one is all good or all bad now, I can see it more clearly than ever before, honestly seeing others for who they really are instead of always only seeing the good and then being disappointed when they are able to show their true selves in my presence, in the way that it happens so frequently when you're with someone else who is just honestly being themselves too.

I suppose I had locked so much away, and it's been like growing up from an infant again, self confidence is still at a low low level, growing gradually, there is the obvious side of me that is so uninhibited now, released from so many years of captivity, cos in the past I often just either went out to shock or went out to hide and watch the world go by, I suppose there was an aspect of playing a part, if I was going out with some dutch courage (more often than not, I would need to get drunk to come out of myself)...  Then I could relax, walking the tightrope between enough to let go and letting go so completely that I would often not know what had gone on, forever, the previous nights activities passing my concious self by quite completely.

I never got much if anything back after my drunken blackouts, no flashbacks for me, cos I live in the moment, project into the future too much though too, I rarely if ever cared much about the past, it's all coming back to me now though, nostalgia finally creeping up, although in a way it's the mental blocks that are going that is releasing a lot of the old days to be rethought of...

So what's the story now?  Life is still rubbish, I'm heading into my winter of discontent.  I can feel however that it's less of a problem, I'm nowhere near as stressed out, just rolling with the punches, taking the mental anguish as a sign that I am healing through dealing...  There was a lot of problems with who I was, now there are fewer, only thing is I still am not convinced that I could be happy in a normal life setup.

I'm stuck in my mind, not seeing any way out, just seeing obstacles that seem too hard to get past or over or round or through, no solutions, just mental mindscapes, mazes, dead ends, no dreams here, no life lines along the road, nothing to look forward to, no way out, just constant ideas that seem great at the time but fade into obscurity, don't seem possible when I think about them later, when it comes to the crunch, I'm too scared to follow my heart.

Slowly coming back to myself though, feeling parts come back, working out which ones I want  and don't...

Slowly feeling better in some ways, worse in others, denying those I don't agree with and between ignorance to allow things to fade and changing the subject to reprogram my thoughts, and positive thinking, positive self talk, making so much time for sleep, I used to be quite the insomniac, now I'm to bed early, every night, in the week anyway, in bed sometimes an hour and a half before I need to be, meditating, letting my mind switch off, concentrating like counting sheep only counting down to things I want to see in the world.

Trying to meditate, trying to clear my mind, when I close my eyes there are so often unwanted things there, things I must have had a powerful control over before, that now are let loose, things that between the alcohol and the weed, I had banished from my mind, from my body, now I feel normal, old, as if the magical world I lived in before has left me, as if the world view I subscribed to actually meant that was the world I lived in.

I can't remember much before today, not really, but everything used to just happen, I used to just do things, now I seem to have to think about them, concentrate more, I used to just achieve stuff, I used to just do things without thinking, I used to go through life in a fog, or clouded, or somehow without much effort.

Now it all seems like so much hard work, because I can see how much I've neglected, I wasn't pulling my weight, now I'm trying to, it's hard to do so from a standing start, old habits die hard, I thought they were gone if not forgotten but they're back, the fear inside drove me to change my ways, clean up my act, and I'm grateful for the terror of a few months ago when I would have been unsurprised to have been put somewhere, so I went through all my piles of junk, I tidied up my room and my caravan, I was hard on myself, I still am being, I've got this dream, but they're all tied up with a cynical dislike, a cynical fear, a damned if you do, damned if you don't feeling.

You see all the spirituality, not religion that I subscribed to, was put into doubt.  I saw the bad guys as good and the good as bad, I saw the confusion reign as I realised that maybe I didn't know anything at all, when I was convinced I had a good line on the world, and the confusion just confused an already mixed up me.

Is shamanism an ancient alternative to modern religions or was it just a practise of devil worship?

Is there a spirit world?  Do we live on there after we die?  Do our loved ones go there?

Mediumship making me convinced for a week, my thoughts were transparent either to the medium, or to my relatives, who I had asked in my mind, not aloud, to come and give me a message if they felt like it, and they did, the three weeks when I fervently asked within my thoughts for specific members of my ancestry to come along in the evenings when I go to a spiritualist church, they turned up.

All very confusing, but the way I see it is this.

There's only one game in town.

This universe is it.

We're in it.

So all I can do is get back to who I was before I fell from such a height.

Keep on working to improve myself, my health, my fitness, my mind.

Get back to feeling things, sensing things, reading others minds.

Slowly there are signs, I need to be strong for the final fight.

There will come a time when I have to choose, who to be.

And as of right now, I don't think the rules are set in stone.

I can just keep on doing what I'm doing, hanging in there.

Letting the chips fall as they may, dancing, massaging, counselling, being the good me,
not because I want to get some reward, but because that was how I got from the scared,
confused person I was up until a few years ago to the confident person I've become slowly.

I sent myself off to europe, I had my back to the wall at home, couldn't see a way out,

so I dived into the deep end, assuming I would never come back up home again,

but I did with a renewed love for life, and for people, that I'd never had.

So these days, as strange as they seem, as familiar too, I mean little has changed from the middle ages.

So many squirelly religions, sects, fads and factions in the world,  so much slavery still, so many poor in foreign countries abused, whether knowingly or otherwise by all of us here in this country and others, where even here and America and Europe, there are poor people in our nations, and many rich people too, the gap getting bigger, the gap between what you would like your life to be like and what is possible, the gap between what you would like to own and what you have in your pocket immeasurably larger than ever, the fake money system, that creates debt, and send all the proceeds up to the small percentage of the richest, from the poor areas of our country to the rich ones, our economy designed by bankers to create money out of thin air on a computer, then charge the person borrowing that electronic fakery interest, they mortgage and slave themselves away up to the hilt, causing stress that is not necessary, illness that is tragic, changes to the systems of health service, public services of all kinds gradually in the hands of people unconcerned except for public perception, and private profit, the world becoming the worst vision possible of a future imaginable.

It's so hard to stay positive in this world, easier by far just to get drunk, drugged, become another statistic, lay low, don't raise your head above the parapet lest it gets shot off, just stay out of the limelight, let the famous actors take the stage, and yet, there is improvement, there is freedom of speech on the internet, there is a growing movement, there is freedom within the minds of those capable of thinking for themselves.

The media, the idea of censorship online, the people we try to blame for our problems, the politcoes, the guys we vote in, the system we support, we don't disapprove of or try to change, after all the laws are brought in, made up, sanctioned by people we put in power, so will it have to get perilous, will it have to come to a grinding halt, some kind of terrible situation that will leave us calling for someone to take control, some new disaster, a lack of open eyes, a lack of information in the public domain, a lack of informed people, a lack of desire except to be safe in our beds, when the economic crisis causes everything to get worse, let's decrease the prison population, let the roads and services get worse, lower the money (that is out there in the hands of bankers who create it and their shareholders, and of companies who earn it from us etc) that is spent on improving the situation, let things slide into some kind of chaos, from whence we shall clamour for order...

It's not looking good, but for some reason even when I lose hope...

Even when I see hell in front of us and all around.

For some reason, there's a tiny bit that says no!

NO!

It's there, it is the only thing that means I can sleep at night, as much as I value the longer the period I can be unconcious, I do so look forward to not thinking, not having to cope with my thoughts, I was never that concerned with things such as whether there was something wrong with me before, I ignore anything I don't like the thought of, when it comes along, violent urges, some kind of animal internally, a caveman, a hunter, a predator, the meat eater that wants to hunt and kill, the vicious one with a lust for sex, the inner beast, it is calmed because I have never ever let it be me, it wasn't as obvious before, wrapped up with my temper, all rolled into one with my inner demons, my past misdemeanours, my failings that I thought weren't so bad.

I stole from a young age, saw myself as poor, saw things others had and thought, rationalised, why not?

Alcohol made that easier, and also lead to thefts of alcohol in later life.

I've turned over new leafs, started a new book in the last years,

no more thieving, not even petty things, especially not.

Put a new line in the sand, now I don't fantasise about the dreams I had for some kind of romantic ideal.

There were long held beliefs within me that certain people from the past, certain things would come to pass.

Now those are gone, I'm trying to be ultra realistic, although it doesn't mean I don't get my hopes up.

Hope dies last, I truly believe that phrase, I don't know what the point of happy endings in movies is.

So few people have them in real life, yet there are many who have happy beginnings and middles.

I only know that one day, the idealistic ones will have their truth revealed for all.

I want, no need the world to be fair, for everyone to have a fair deal, a good life.

I need for this to come to pass, and am willing to sacrifice even more than I have already.

I always held onto the fact that I had saved a life, I did so without thinking about it, I held that as the reason why my other errors of judgement didn't count, I rationalised just about everything out, like balancing a check book, now I can't seem to get into the black, or out of the red, when I want to be neither.

I want to see the light, I want to experience enlightenment, nothing is more important now to me than that.

Early to bed, trying to write down my dreams, trying to experience them, become lucid within them.

Slowly having more of those experiences again, I will fly one day again one night, bouncing along.

Regain some perspective, know that I can somehow make amends, have I ruined any lives?

I don't know the truth of how badly I fucked up in the past, so it's not clear.

I indirectly may have caused some serious unhappiness, no deaths.

Get myself into some kind of state of readiness, although still suffering health problems,

still suffering from a lack of faith, belief although I'm still plugging away,

still receiving healing, feeling slowly that I am working things out of my system,

It's so confusing this place, you see I doubt less now that this is all there is.

I am only concerned with learning the truth of what this existence is, the answer to the question of life the universe and everything may well be 42, I'm giving myself this lifetime to find out, and I can't think of anything more important that I could do, I could try to rehabilitate myself, fall in love, try to be the kind of person who someone could put up with, I am so honestly fed up with myself, find it so difficult not to see myself as a seriously screwed up, mess of an idiot of a fool, or a waste of space, I am struggling to see past the failings, but if I know one thing, it's that if I keep on trying, if I keep on asking myself questions, if I keep on doubting myself, then at least what comes out will be the truth, without bias, without the smirk or sneer that says in some way that I am forcing things, making things up anymore, I have to keep on being hard on myself, so that I know I can trust the answers, know that I'm not only seeing the good in myself anymore, knowing that eventually I can find a spark of goodness that I can still feel, and is growing stronger again, that I can turn that into a fire to burn away the rest of the rubbish, whether it means I have to go away, whether I have to put myself under pressure to turn this lump of coal into a diamond again, whether I have to quit the safety of the places I'm used to again, I just don't know, I'm paying off debts, but I'm subsidised here, ultimately I'm living off handouts, I'm making myself feel worse, in the long run one day I'll need to escape what I most want to reside in, the loving arms of my family, it's crossed my mind that I must at least carry on until my parents are gone, for to leave before they do would be such a burden, all sorts of frantic lies, all sorts of scared and wondrously awesomely terrifying things have passed my mental lips, only to be unspoken except here or in the moment before passing out, or after waking up.

The times lately that I have turned over and over in bed as if it were my grave, early morning consisting of immediate remembering of the three or four worst things I've ever done, I've gone over them and had new facets added, tried to work out what I could have done differently, work out what state of mind I was in at the time, is there anything I can do now?  Should I try to explain or would that just be a way to let myself down easily?  Carry on, deal with it, take it to your death, know that again bringing this up is going to make the next few days tragic and sad and harder than ever, as they fade and I come to let them go, forgiveness within at least allowing me to get through some days without it being a constant reminder, my conscience that used to be my best friend, now my best enemy, but at least it's keeping me honest.

I can't and I won't drown out this torture, or seek some kind of release, I'll work through it, knowing that I own those memories now, that I can only keep on doing my best, knowing I'd never be that depressed, that down, that low again, it makes me ask myself, if I was in a concentration camp, would I have gassed the Jews?  Would I follow orders and do those terrible things?  To me the world seems filled with terrors and horrors and many will lead to the deaths of people and animals and plants and creatures of all kinds, the death of all life on this planet, apart from cockroaches isn't all that difficult to imagine, if you look at the odds.

And then that leads me to the unreality of it all, the fact that it is all subjective experience, this might all be as fake as a computer simulation, we may have asked to come here to experience feeling, from some kind of exalted spot on cloud nine somewhere else entirely where all this seems like a good idea at the time.

Where time no longer exists either, or space, just thought.

I've been there, to places where bodies writhed together, in darkness.  Behind closed eyes...

Seen a glimpse of heaven, a rainbow coloured nightclub with a select guestlist.

Felt the upward pull of a cosmic plughole that wanted to take me off.

Been offered a new mechanical body as an upgrade.

Seen the future, it wasn't bright, desired to get out of here for good...

How can I reconcile being told I would be a part of some great plan, not nothing in the long run, nor that big a deal either, just a cog in a huge wheel, in a huge machine...

I was a sceptic believer, I had seen ghosts, ufos, I believed in it all, the paranormal, the unexplained and the unexplainable, then someone made me a believer wholeheartedly, I KNEW there was life after death, I knew I could help others, I could heal, I could do good works, I was on the way...

And then it all came crashing down, I got too high and my wings burnt to a crisp.

Now it's all a giant mess again, no clear way of seeing a way out.

Just lots of different stories, with different endings, no coherence.

Like a t.v. series cancelled unexpectedly with too many loose ends.

That time when I was given the distinct impression that all of this is a distraction, a folly, something to keep us occupied whilst behind the scenes machinations are going on.

To me a bad trip would be a way to describe what happens when you get scared or someone you trusted, behaves in a way that is unnaceptable, given that you gave them the keys to your very soul.

That's how I feel, tricked, subjugated, like a puppet on a string, the string going from the heavens to my crown, from my feet to the ground, and it's not a good feeling, but it's the only game in town.

So I'm going to get good at it, as I always do, I spend much more time learning the environment, it takes me a long while to get any good at a game, but once I do I know much more than anyone else about the ways in which you can bend the rules, the places within the gamespace where you can sneak through a fault in testing, the backdoors, the loops in the programming, the tweaks, hints, tips, tricks, I can find them.

I will find them, and then I will never play again.  Or something like that ;)

Love
Jon
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