so onwards ever onwards

onwards ever onwards we go,
can't keep my eyes off the stuff.
New ideas, new informations,
old thoughts reverberating again.

I have these crazy assed ideas,
I don't really believe they're true.
Don't actually think you're evil,
but it crosses my mind we all are.

We're not very bright or clever,
we're killing the planet so quickly.
There isn't much that isn't toxic,
quite enough to go around already.

Spread from Japan east to west,
radioactivity and debris tsunami'd.
That's a start and an ending too,
what began with midden mounds.

Humanity makes rubbish pile up,
we produce much more than shit.
No animals makes such a mess,
without someone to clear up after.

S'hard not to be happy for us,
when seeing the world dying so.
we're doing it more every day,
so it must be what we want right?

I can't keep on dying every night,
can't keep on waking to such terror.
Don't want to listen to it anymore,
feeling the mother's pains and fears.

As much as I say that I know too,
I'm facing who I really am not the script.
The shadow is now so clearly lit up,
will it resolve itself or was that the joke?

To make us see a happy ending,
put us into a false sense of security.
Make us think everything'll be ok,
when it's ready to end forever badly.

Is my outlook coloured by so many years of negativity?  I have despite my eternal optimism, certainly never expected anything good to happen to me, in terms of the things I would have liked to have achieved.

My fears have always disbarred me from entertaining certain notions when it came to myself.

I slowly challenged those doubts and was on a journey of discovery and progress.

But one thing is certain, I didn't have enough friends, real ones.

Good ones, knowledgeable ones, close ones.

The kind that would have helped me to understand certain things, the kind I could have trusted.

My fault, I let my anxiety prevent me from maintaining ties, I let myself down not gently.

I let myself get comfortably numb, and I didn't do anything until it was nearly too late.

Every time I met with certain death, I got off my arse, but to let that be the case,

Ain't clever neither, to put oneself in the position of a risky business,

isn't smart and it ain't clever, and I Don Quixoted me a good 'un...

So I don't blame anyone else but myself, as much as I'd like to.

I did too many things, I tried to catch up too quickly,

I went from listening to everyone, trusting no-one.

To listening to no-one and trusting everyone.

Silly Billy, Jonny No Mates, you pop into my head when I'm not asking the greatest questions in the world, of the world and its inhabitants.

And when I am trying to accept that it would have been nice to have had some company I realise,
yet again what a foolish fool I've been, probably missed lots of genuine opportunities, to be happy.

There is a process underway, whereby I recognise aspects of male tendency, behaviour,
that I never liked or agreed with, never could do all that "I'd like to fuck that".

Don't believe in lust and yet in private I only had that to live with,
true love in my heart and a fantasy elsewhere.

Passion not lust, love not lust, unconditional  love not co-produced co-dependant reality,
The aim to grow into someone I could love first, then you'd get a look in.

And so back to square one again, recognising those traits, eyeing up here and there,
despising those aspects of myself, but this time not denying them their time.

The shadow self is strong and devious and it's the cold dead black dark night of the soul,
from which I am emerging having known evil, having felt the slimy wet hand on my skin.

Having given myself a chance to believe in god and the devil and ask myself which,
which, which, which now, which then, which soon, which forever?

Die the parts, use the parts, kill the parts, send them packing,
Let's hope it's permanent this time a transformational ageing.

Grey hairs in my nose, I didn't have to look before,
I knew I was somewhat of an older person.

Now I know and feelit again but still,
fighting back, stop eating shit.

Get some fucking will power,
Learn again and relive.

From my birth to my death,
the trip I went on before.

From the beginning,
to the end of time.

Light &
Love
Jon
x