repression depressingly

is there something about depression that makes you self centered? Something about addiction that makes you selfish and greedy? Some about circumstances that can ruin even the best outlook?

I don't know the answer to those but I know I've ruined my own comfortable little lookout.

Over the past few weeks, to a lesser extent now that I'm feeling at least almost useful again, I was having negative thoughts cropup, annoyingly so. Also in the silence here at home, a noise has arisen. Sounds like an engine far away, or something booming, or something that is fucking annoying anyway, all day and all night. Of course it's easier to notice it at night when there is less of other noise around, but if it's quiet and I'm trying to meditate or just relax, I think of it and listen for nothingness it and it's there instead. Whether something locally has gone 24hr, or whether there is a noise which seems quite regular pounding away inside my head, well I don't know that either. There is a possibility that the noise was there all along but that I've noticed it and can't unnotice it now if that makes sense.

All I do know is that I'm not giving in, but I'm spending as much time as possible relaxing, finding other people not coming to mind as often. I'm less others focussed, and I don't like it.

I think about getting in touch with someone and I'll chicken out or change my mind. Can't make up my mind at the best of times, the more options the worse it is, so I always went with how I felt. Only thing is I've become unsure of myself, find it hard to just be, because just being me had lead me to so many mistakes that I've made before. Feels very similar to the way I felt a few years ago.

Have these two conflicting, huh duality again eh?, ways of doing things...

The old and the new

Feel like there's a world of opportunity that I'm missing.

Feel like I don't want to do anything.

Feel like I haven't got a plan.

A clue.

Anything solid anymore.

Grasping not for meaning anymore but rather just an anchor

Found it too hard to reconcile the differences between different traditions.

Just trying to be good and hope that's enough

havent gone back to the bad old days

just skirted the edges

waiting on a miracle

waiting for a sign

waiting for some direction

hoping something feels good feels right feels like something I'd like to do rather than something someone else is doing that I'll just tag along with

Slogging out the days

Where's all my love gone for life?

Where's my enthusiasm?

Have I just lost the plot?

Lost my character?

My personality is the same but his attitude stinks

Stop over thinking

Make some decisions

Choose a direction

Risk feeling like an idiot again

risk actually enjoying myself

most of the things I dread aren't that bad

Will things get more novel now? and more and more? and just mooooorrrreeeee?

Trying to see whether I should use this time to heal myself or whether pushing on is the way I get healed, connecting out, being the person I was, going on missions that I'm scared of again.

Was it just a long way up to fall from?

When will I feel like myself again?

Will I ever be free of those old habits?

I suppose I keep wondering if I'm worth knowing and it doesn't matter what other people say, because I know what I am like inside, if I feel bad and don't want to let someone else make me feel better why should I?

I'm the cheerer upper, not the other way around.

It's not even as if I feel like I've been let down by others... I'm not angry I'm disappointed.

Will I feel better when I've paid people what I owe them?

When will it ever end?

Will something happen in december?

Am I going to break out of this vicious cycle?

Find somewhere to start over, live a different way.

Have a space for friends, for me.

How do I juggle all those things?

I don't feel like being the happy helpful guy who is sorted himself so likes to keep an eye out for everyone else while at the same time having lots of fun myself...

I feel like the guy who needs a hug, a shoulder to cry on, someone to hold me while I sob out my own shit, somewhere to go where I just become well by breathing their air, eating their food, drinking their water, working when I feel better... And then I realise there is not that much shit.

Just me facing up to the fact that one day I'll be fucked because there wont be anyone around to look after me when I get into a state, or to bail me out when I end up out of work.

I've actually been thinking how much better all the shit jobs I gave up were than the one I'm doing.

Too much time to think, I need to be busy and then things will just fit into place.

I'll gradually feel better day by day.

My healing will be complete.

And then I'll fuck up cos I'll get all happy and forget what I'm doing,

I never was much good at coordination or multi tasking,

I tended to focus solely on what I was doing to the detriment of everything and everyone else.

Improving slowly on that one, some things have become much easier.

However it does tend to be he or she who shouts loudest who gets my attention.

At the moment it's me shouting at myself so hard it hurts.

I don't need this much time or attention from me.

I need to grow up for fucks sake.

Love &
Light
Jon
x

Hmmmmmmm and Hearse

Him and Hers

So quickly going past the fact that I went from zero to hero to zero to .99 oh no not even Jon 1.0 even. I guess it's confidence, and I used to have it now and then. Working is helping although it drags cos there's nothing to do and I wanted to be busy, but then I'm struggling cos I'm not fit. Then the mother and wife of the two blokes I was supposed to be working with dies suddenly. Perspective regained. Although I still spent long hours thinking how to get out of this trap. I did my best to be doing something all day but that gets tiring too, trying to look busy. They both seem like ok guys, soemthing about she was used to drinking half a bottle of vodka a night described as 'she liked a drink'... Hmmmm and hearse but no hired cars she'd want to do it cheap.

I supposed that I was silly to expect to carry on feeling an almost eerie calm in moments and perhaps that was it, I was so in the minute, not looking too far ahead, not building things up to much worse in the weeks before something, anything was coming up. So nervous about everything, anxious about nothing, because most things went really smoothly. My Dad used to say things like 'I think I prefer it when he's miserable' when I was really happy and positive about life, although maybe I was annoyingly cheerful, I don't know. Words have a lot of power, I hear people say things I can't believe they mean all the time, and yet when questioned, they'd say things like 'They know I'm only joking'. When it comes to the way that women are treated and men too in our so called society, there's a bias towards verbal norms. When you speak the truth all the time, others will say things like 'you can't say that'. I can and I just did ;)

I'd go from introverted, never contacts anyone...

To extroverted, always around with someone...

As for my comfort zone that was definately people I knew well already.

Not good in new company, liked to keep a low profile if I could evade the stories from coming out to play straight away. By the time I spoke to a woman we were already friends.

Or the standard 'How old do you think Jon is?' as I was between a few years older than most of my mates and my current best buds are ten years younger or so. I never saw age as an impediment or restriction. People should know people of all ages. We're supposed to spend time with older and younger humans, socialise with everyone and break down the barriers we place in the way of having a really good chin wag.

I used to find it hard to have a conversation. I'd avoid them if I could. You'd say hi, I'd say hi, you'd say how are you? I'd say fine thanks. That was it. Because I was nervous, I'd panic, want to get away. Didn't trust people, why do they want to know where I live? Strangers on a plane that kind of thing. I opened up a little more all the time.

Then I was blown wide open, and with a profound sense of love.

That started with me, and was all I was interested in.

Giving that out in as many ways to as many people as possible.

Visiting an aunt for the first time.
Picking and sending another crabapples cos she loves them.
Going places and meeting up with people I barely know?!? wtf?
Driving around Bristol! Yeah Bristol! and avonmouth and allover everywhere and gloucester and three in the morning and on my own as usual and lost as always and finding somewhere when I trust myself or forget to care and just turn the right way and loving life, never fearing anything.

And then boom. Pride comes before a fall? Heyyyy! I wasn't humble enough, diciplined anough, ready enough. I was a bit overexcited to have had such a good year and met so many wonderful people and to be feeling in the flow all the time and all sorts of things happening to me with some of those people, little things like a bit of flirting, or even just a really nice moment to remember, or doing a good deed like twenty times a night and having loads done back to me and yay I managed to keep on an even keel, I haven't driven when I was unsafe to drive, I've passed so many tests, a few breathylisers, well two is a couple, a few is usually more than two but hey whose counting? Haven't done anything sillier than I've ever done before, let myself back into life having spent two years slowing re-entering all sorts of different spheres and scenes. Slowly getting back in touch with friends after dropping everyone and everything.

So I have loads to be thankful for, I love you Mum, and Dad.

And Nina.

Love &
Light
Jon
x

And the dogs
and the world
and everyone
and everything
is still so murky
but I'm feeling slowly
more positive and clearer
knowing though exactly what
it is and was that I need to quit
and this time I haven't sworn off
women for good, at all, which is nice
I haven't left myself much wiggle room
I gotta work hard and somehow get into the
kind of work that would make me happy and smile
instead of leaving me with a bad taste in my mouth of
recycled plastic and dust from hanger 42 at Ex Mod Base

I had a courageous and fearless attitude before I crashed down after I took off

I gotta get that back, feel it believe it, see myself some miracles again

Feel the magic feelings again, get some more sights and sounds

Relax a bit more again, go with the flow again

Take it easy, with time flying and gliding

But always, joyously landing

all around me and all of us.

That's my goal.

Oh and that thing where you're really suffering and instead of geting in touch with someone, you're feeling so shit you don't even want people to see you, or to see people, and so ashamed and lonely and depressed and cos no-one comes around it gets worse and then you end up working yourself into a right tizzy of a lather of a panic of a everyone hates or just doesn't care or wishes I was dead or thinks I'm a horrible person or blah blah blah etc etc thingamydoojameflip

Yeah that. Shit isn't it?

:) I let you down
I let myself down
i let everyone down, not really but in a way.

I got scared and with my imagination, everything can become very scary or very wonderful

It got truly scary as I actually gave some ideas the possibility of being true, and then I was convinced. Good con game. Make everything available and the truth the hardest to find.

You search and you learn and then the negative spin on so many things and the truth feeling so near and then so far and then unfindable so you know it's gonna take a lot to find.

So you give up. But it's taken over your life. No t.v. but thats a good thing. No money but that's a good thing, ish, not at the moment or for the last three months but one day it would be a good thing. For now it's a shit thing. Erm yeah err no entertainment but I don't miss any of it.

I thought a few years ago, well if I was on my death bed, would I complain that I missed the last this episode of a show or that film at the cinema. And I can honestly say I don't, I miss what they represent. People. Laughing together, crying together, being together.

I want company. I'm bored of doing everything alone. But I must say that going to places where people are accepting of everyone, really spoils you for the normal every day world. If you let it.

I started to see the world differently and then got stuck back into an old routine. And then floundered.

I'm getting better though.

Gradually.

Feeling very normal though.

Just realising that to start to believe in lots of good things being possible and then seeing them happen before my very eyes became a new habit. I got scared because I saw greater and greater challenges in my future, and just got even more scared when I realised it meant doing things I would never have even considered when I was younger, and drawn back there I became myself when I was 16, thinking about joining a meditation class in Malmesbury, I would have be so disciplined by now, so calm and steady. Well, I'm putting in the hard graft again, I lost my monthly celebration / visual feast on the Full Moon because of my own stupidity (and having so much fun in the summer / autumn and going to party's all the time, instead of saving money for picking trips. The full moon / lime juice combination (3x to 5x the effects, a third to a quarter the duration) really showed me a joined up world, energy fields around plants, my friend and I both saw phantom limbs on felled trees together, vortexes of kolaidascopes of coloured light coming from the Moon, like squinting into a diamond with the sun behind it.

I've made a decision to put off any plans to build anything, but as I have very few interests these days, except those that I can't seem to get into apart from nature, knowing I'll be working all summer to pay back what I owe, and yet I want to ride a horse at least once this year so I've got to do that cos I made myself a promise and now I've written it down too. Maybe I can trade my skills for lessons.

I'll work in your garden or give you a head neck shoulder massage or foot massage in return.

Hourly rate is £10 normally or a donation based on what it's worth to you or your ability to pay.

Gotta go give my Mum a hug and tell her I love you

Well, I gotta get my hugs somewhere

and I don't think I've said it before

so let's see if I gotta lotta bottle

Ooh I love a challenge

Don't dare me

ever

cos im a coward and I'll find a reason why what you want me to do is wrong and get out of it
cos I'm not ready for this and can't face your expectations and then i crumble

ohh shit it's like I can't lie anymore again

thats a start, let's hope the rest if coming back to me

knuckle down, work hard

mind, get in shape

mind, lost the weight

mind, how I go

mind, over matter

mind, my manners

mind, i speak up for myself but not too much

when i get so self concious i can't make up my mind

i cant just be myself cos thats wrong in a good way or a bad one

or there's something I'm not good at yet or worked out yet or something else

about life i havent realised cos i'm blinkered and daft as a brush and sensible too much

and then tired and exhausted or soooo fucking lazy

or cant help wanting to do nothing

feeling like it's a wash in me

errr if i had the money this
err if i had this or that
err blah blah
stopmoaning

thanks for sharing


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thanks for sharing







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thanks for sharing

















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thanks for sharing



















ah the silence of no mind
;)

Strange Goings On Down at the Circle K Bill

Well that was awful, he says hoping it's all over now.

Been so down but I guess three seriously diverting issues at once can be draining.

There was my whole outlook on life and spirituality, the resurgence of old issues and habits and finally day to day so called normality type things like working.

I've got a job and start on monday.

In a few weeks time I'll get paid and can start to pay off my debts.

Lots of things seem to resonate from the past.

Issues with our tenancy, issues with my own shyness and anxiety.

Feeling like used to feel all the time, in such contrast to how I felt in the middle of last year and for long periods over the past several.

I suppose I was getting so used to feeling positive all the time, so used to feeling good, so used to being in the moment...

I've worked hard and am still trying my best but it seems like I could do with some help.

Trying to find like minded people is not easy, I've never been any good at putting myself out there.

It's been hard enough to just do the normal stuff and realise that I was dreaming last year.

So caught up in new ways of seeing and being in the world that I lost sight of my own struggle.

So profoundly changed by the intervention of others in my life that I didn't take stock.

Let things slide, lost a job, took old roads and became so unethusiastic about everything.

The weird part is that the things that scare me the most are always the right ones.

As much as I fear falling back into old ways, the new folks I know are different.

Some are willing to intervene and actually help me.

I'll knuckle down and earn money and pay off.

Whilst constantly trying to find again that inner peace.

Working harder in my own time to produce a change.

Recognising a similar mind set to the way I felt before I challenged myself.

Seeing that I needed to face the new bigger tests with courage not fear.

Try to find my way back to the way things were before I jumped in with both feet.

Face up to those things deep within, old thoughts and feelings.

Old stresses, pressures I put on myself.

Remember that focussing on others is always a great relief to the self.

It's such a rollercoaster but being able not to slide into unconciousness helps

I don't resort to losing myself, I don't shy away, got to fight, to love, to learn

It feels worse at the time but afterwards it's so much nicer

I could do with as much good will as you can muster.

And I'll keep sending mine out and hoping.

Wishing you all the best of everything.

Love &
Light
Jon
x