I worked for this guy for a few years and we got on, we told each other lots of our stories but ultimately he was a numpty. I tried and failed to impress upon him that he was letting himself, and me, down. I worked hard, we spent six days a week together including Saturday mornings at work and then playing football in the afternoon. We knew each other pretty well and at times would have arguments like an old married couple. They would usually start because he would say one thing then do another.
As much as I disliked the way that he gossiped and shit stirred, mainly because I don't think he ever felt as if he belonged anywhere, he "tried to undermine the better ranges of my nature" (Jamiroquai King for a day) and left me with the growing sense that if I carried on working for him that I would be tainted by all of his low standards. Familiarity bred contempt but all along I treated him with respect as I would anyone.
So it may have, must have, come as a shock when towards the end of our tenure together, I found it increasingly difficult to put up with the rubbish that would come out of his mouth. I started to only see the bad in him and that was all there was for me from that point. It got so bad that there was a period of between two to three months where we barely talked because I would just ignore rather than get disgruntled or caught up in his bullshit.
In the end, and lots of others things were coming to a head at that time, getting barred from the pub for standing up to the landlord whose passive aggressive attitude was slightly more insincere than the previous runners were towards us. He obviously didn't want our group hanging out there, didn't like the fact that his own staff (our friends were waitresses and cleaners) would spend most of their wages behind the bar and started banning them from drinking there on their time off.
I was getting more and more restless, something that had only made itself clear to me at a few certain moments every year. New Years Eve was a case in point, I would be preparing to go out, in a total tizzy because I often got severe anxiety before a social occasion. About what I would wear, who would be there, what was expected of me, and also usually because it would mean spending time with someone that I had feelings for that I couldn't extricate myself from because they were a good friend.
I quit the job and had nothing more to do with the guy, which was really just everything going back to the way it was before we'd even met, although I'd known who he was. I do miss our big group of friends, I do miss hanging out together, I do miss certain individuals who were my close friends but who were given to believe things about me that were not true, not going into that, old news, water under the bridge. From that day forward I knew that ethically I could not work in a place if I didn't like the people or what they were working towards. So it's meant me changing jobs regularly when signed onto the employment agency since.
I also changed whenever I felt myself getting too comfortable anywhere as deep down I know there are lots of things I could be doing for people that don't involve producing something to sell and have everything to do with the person themselves. Whether that's just becoming friends and giving them the freedom to express themselves in good and bad times, if it's working on them physically as I have done at various jobs, by giving massages at lunchtimes or when finding that even total strangers are drawn to me, keen to open up and tell me their life story.
As hard as the last few years have been. not having a social network beyond THE social network, not having close friends that I can confide in or go to in times of need, I've found lots of resources within myself that I didn't know existed or had forgotten about during the intervening period between when I was about 18 and two years ago when I quit everyone and everything and went abroad to find myself and then lose myself. It was a gamble, but one that I couldn't afford not to take. I was lonely in a large group of people, I was miserable despite my ability to cheer other people up.
My comedic skills have been put onto the back burner as a lot of it revolved around taking the piss, so now although my wit still works I don't tend to take the michael as much if at all, don't get any pleasure from winding people up or having them on. No I treat people the way I would like to be treated. Rather than insult them I consult them. Rather than tear them down I build them up. I can see why people would often revel in going over and over the stupid things I've done in the past to make themselves feel better and me feel worse. The way it was seen as fair game to bring all of those things up whenever there was someone new in our group or just for a laugh, for you.
As much as I disliked the way that he gossiped and shit stirred, mainly because I don't think he ever felt as if he belonged anywhere, he "tried to undermine the better ranges of my nature" (Jamiroquai King for a day) and left me with the growing sense that if I carried on working for him that I would be tainted by all of his low standards. Familiarity bred contempt but all along I treated him with respect as I would anyone.
So it may have, must have, come as a shock when towards the end of our tenure together, I found it increasingly difficult to put up with the rubbish that would come out of his mouth. I started to only see the bad in him and that was all there was for me from that point. It got so bad that there was a period of between two to three months where we barely talked because I would just ignore rather than get disgruntled or caught up in his bullshit.
In the end, and lots of others things were coming to a head at that time, getting barred from the pub for standing up to the landlord whose passive aggressive attitude was slightly more insincere than the previous runners were towards us. He obviously didn't want our group hanging out there, didn't like the fact that his own staff (our friends were waitresses and cleaners) would spend most of their wages behind the bar and started banning them from drinking there on their time off.
I was getting more and more restless, something that had only made itself clear to me at a few certain moments every year. New Years Eve was a case in point, I would be preparing to go out, in a total tizzy because I often got severe anxiety before a social occasion. About what I would wear, who would be there, what was expected of me, and also usually because it would mean spending time with someone that I had feelings for that I couldn't extricate myself from because they were a good friend.
I quit the job and had nothing more to do with the guy, which was really just everything going back to the way it was before we'd even met, although I'd known who he was. I do miss our big group of friends, I do miss hanging out together, I do miss certain individuals who were my close friends but who were given to believe things about me that were not true, not going into that, old news, water under the bridge. From that day forward I knew that ethically I could not work in a place if I didn't like the people or what they were working towards. So it's meant me changing jobs regularly when signed onto the employment agency since.
I also changed whenever I felt myself getting too comfortable anywhere as deep down I know there are lots of things I could be doing for people that don't involve producing something to sell and have everything to do with the person themselves. Whether that's just becoming friends and giving them the freedom to express themselves in good and bad times, if it's working on them physically as I have done at various jobs, by giving massages at lunchtimes or when finding that even total strangers are drawn to me, keen to open up and tell me their life story.
As hard as the last few years have been. not having a social network beyond THE social network, not having close friends that I can confide in or go to in times of need, I've found lots of resources within myself that I didn't know existed or had forgotten about during the intervening period between when I was about 18 and two years ago when I quit everyone and everything and went abroad to find myself and then lose myself. It was a gamble, but one that I couldn't afford not to take. I was lonely in a large group of people, I was miserable despite my ability to cheer other people up.
My comedic skills have been put onto the back burner as a lot of it revolved around taking the piss, so now although my wit still works I don't tend to take the michael as much if at all, don't get any pleasure from winding people up or having them on. No I treat people the way I would like to be treated. Rather than insult them I consult them. Rather than tear them down I build them up. I can see why people would often revel in going over and over the stupid things I've done in the past to make themselves feel better and me feel worse. The way it was seen as fair game to bring all of those things up whenever there was someone new in our group or just for a laugh, for you.
When you've felt powerless your whole life it's hard not to join them when you can't beat 'em.
Some people believe or have learnt over time that any attention is better than none...
I don't subscribe to that at all, I would rather be able to sleep soundly at night
If you haven't got anything nice to say then don't say anything at all, works
I wasn't that bad anyway and apologised to them I felt I'd wronged
I scrubbed and cleared the decks and set sail for journeys end
That magical compass points in every direction Jack
Now I struggle to pick one while I'm waiting...
For a following wind and fair weather
The doldrums are few and far between these days and are set in such stark contrast against a background of joy and contentment, a bright blue sky with but the odd fluffy cloud ;)
Light &
Love
Jon
x
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