Do I have to live with what I'm going through until normality becomes well normal again?
Can I wait until a baseline returns after all the years of abuse of my mental space?
Anyway whatever, I don't live in Belgium or The Netherlands where I could...
Just say I've had enough of life and I would like to die please doctor...
Seems a shame but if you've had suicidal ideation, that's thoughts..
Your whole adult life, I've been depressed a long time though.
You know, feeling as though I don't want to join in at all.
Avoiding any opportunity to socialise apart from drink.
Drugs, back to those again, well hey it was fun.
It really was while it lasted, in some ways.
It got me spending time with a friend.
It got me skint a lot of the time.
Stealing or rather borrowing.
Money for petrol but then.
Using it to buy drugs.
Not no more now.
Now I've got money.
In the bank and savings.
A brighter future by any measure.
A few health issues like I had before.
But I'm treating myself better than ever.
Even my dental health routine is improved.
Added all sorts of healthy ingredients and things.
Started making my own crisps and eating lots of fruit.
We'll see I keep coming back to that old chestnut, hmm sweet.
Sweet Chestnuts I ought to go and see if I can gather some out there.
Eating the apples, reading a book that mirrors my own life is so many ways.
Micronutrients are the way forward apparently, for mental health issues and B12.
It's the thoughts that appear to be someone elses that are kind of worrying they say OCD.
Folks with that can have all sorts of thoughts I drowned them out with the cannabis so I'm on CBD.
Ordered some up, with fancy and airy fairy sounding things done to it, bio dynamic, organic, hemp oil.
It's a wonder cure for people who have seizures, all sorts of conditions benefit from it's properties, I'm hooked. On loving myself enough to care what my actions means for others, to think of them first, to heal myself and learn how to help others to heal, the elements of the spiritual life are out there to say the least.
Filling in gaps in the knowledge that I seemed to come to on my own, appeared from the void, came to me, from sources here and there, energy felt, felt again only now I'm clean and sober and addicted to being so.
Straight and narrow, seems to upset the part of me that doesn't like me very much and I like that so I'll keep on with the things that I'm doing, meeting the monsters at night in my dreams and finding there's nothing to be scared of, changing negative self talk to positives, changing all sorts of things from lead to gold, alchemically.
I talk nonsense less, there was a period between sleeping and waking where I would fanatasise, now it seems to be more of a case of wonderful things I could do like starting an organic co-operative somewhere.
Where all sorts of fruit and vegetables could be grown, horses could live to be ridden and retired, compost composted to grow the produce, herb garden planted and tended, natures healing herbs gathered respectfully and learnt about, the future is bright really it is and some aspect doesn't like it.
So I send it love and try not to be scared by this animal that would like to strike out, sending love, accessing it within for the first time in who knows when, all those years ago when I lost someone and had to be strong?
Who knows, I do go on.
Love
Jon
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