trickster judge and jury

in order to completely remove anyone elses trust of whatever i say it has become the order of the day that i shall exhibit behaviour unbecoming of someone on the level or to put it another way i am an eccentric to say the least or at most i could quite understand another apportioning me with the title of complete madman.  So, what is to be done when you accept without complaint that your actions of the recent past were quite daft to put it mildly but to put it plainly and without making it sound any less serious than it was, outright insanity.

Was I being controlled in some fashion by a ghost, driven to run away from imagined foes, as i was on that one day when i ran away from those i saw as threatened, or a threat, those that i could not see, behind me, the devil herself in the form of an invisible demon chasing me down, if i stop walking i shall be caught.

So I walked and walked, and the threat seemed to suggest i needed to let myself be struck by lightning.

So that I could die a good death, go back to heaven, stand alone in a field, submerge myself in a pond.

I thank goodness that this phase is over but it doesn't mean that i am no longer in communication with?

I could not say, at the outset it seemed as though it was a female deity, i got tips on cooking curries.

So I assumed it was my mother from Asia, because at the time I asked who I was and shakyamuni was the answer, I knew not how to spell it, this name that came into my head, i since have checked and coincidentally came across the name again, from a source I may have read before this whole story came about, so that my subconcious was aware of the name of the bhudda, but why do I spell his name, the title, Bhudda differently?

Why did I have such an affinity for massage, just a natural talent I guess, I certainly found it very pleasing to learn how and where to touch and work on myself, aswell as others when given the chance, but a shy and retiring person such as myself is exactly the wrong sort of folk to be given such a thing unless it's a challenge.

For me to get over my confidence issues, to find opportunities to get passed my failures to get on in life.

Anyway it seems as though from there, I went on a fools errand to bristol on my bike, alone, to an address that doesn't exist, on a road i had been to before, the theme appearing here is a part of me knows the truth.

I had been to this particular road before, the characters involved weren't who i thought they were obviously.

Now this mission to Bristol was to meet someone that i assumed i was speaking to telepathically, again.

I thought it was a person i had become fond of, admired greatly, met in real life, or at least associated with.

So I was nervous, this female was of great interest, the chance, the thought of meeting with them, i got over it, faced the journey with gratitude, even the rain, with a packed lunch in my nap sack, the road i had visited before on my way walking back into town to retrieve my car after staying at a friends house overnight.

Something i also hasn't done much of, i rarely feel comfortable in the house of someone else, for long periods, something i haven't done much of, without it being someone i have come to know well, I trust rarely, i feel stressed because my communication skills let me down, i don't speak up when i ought to, find it hard to ask for help, for something i need, to create strong relationships it is necessary to open up and i don't do that.

Or I'm incredibly open, this annoying dichotomy, of the lengths i will go to when the time is right, when i'm in the moment, if it's for someone else, i have to face my fears and get over them and get on with whatever it is.

So I rode there, expecting to face the unknown of whatever it was i was going to be needed for, whatever it meant to be meeting this someone, on their doorstep, the house wasn't there, no number 23 on that road.

I ate my simple bread, cheese and crisps lunch, drank some water and turned around on my bike and retraced my steps, my cycle, back through town, back to the cyclepath, back home eventually in the rain.

Why i have felt cursed and blesses in equal measure, i have done wrong in this life and i have done right too.

I have felt as though there was some inherent weakness within me, no courage, no support but i blame none.

I blame none but myself, i take it all on my shoulders, i find it hard to look forward without seeing nothing but death and yet i am closer to being my self again, dreaming again, getting closer to lucidity, i fear some things still, i face the worry i have caused that tempers my treatment of myself, and others too, i feel for them also.

I see why i must wait, why I must think of others more, i learnt so much from the new friends, the ones who are willing to express their experiences and allow me to see what they do in their waking days that i wish i could and they lead me here in many ways, i wonder how much though, how many of the things i've seen are merely figments of my imagination, have i projected them onto this reality from within my own conciousness?

I have seen things, eyes closed and eyes open, were they realised from things i have seen on t.v. or read about?  That would be a tragedy but also a sign that this reality, so called, is maleable, can be anything.

I saw the energy fields of plants, they were linked together merging and ethereal, shining so bright at night, on a full moon alone outside, wandering asking to see something true and new, keep me safe mushrooms, do.

If this was all just a game then perhaps i would have less shame, so we'll see, what occurs when it all ends.

I shall not do anything but those techniques i am following including nutrition to ensure better health and i have resolved to spend at least the rest of my days making sure that i am there for others who need me.

Doesn't make it any easier that i can see myself so much more clearly, without the crutch and i find myself constantly reiterating the same story, about illegal drugs and legal ones like alcohol and tobacco and it's a lame process as before this period i really attempted to do my best never to repeat myself if i could.

But whatever, it feels good to write these words and get it off my chest, some might call it a mental illness to feel as though there were negative voices, i have heard that in tribal countries, more natural, in nature, they don't experience such negative voices, thoughts, the townier you are the worse it gets, for me it's mostly things that are actually good for me, clean your teeth, get a good nights sleep, meditate, don't stay up late.

I don't talk to others about this because for me it's a learning curve that i need to go through and at home is the safest place, as soon as someone makes you worry that you might be ill rather than going through a process, growing, changing for the better, i feel as though im behaving better, less angry, able to understand the point of view of others more, realise why i found it so hard to walk a mile in their shoes, maybe the b12.

I'm going to keep upping the dose of what the doctor ordered, b vitamin, add in d3 because of the deficiency of sun light in the winter, we all suffer from that over here in the u.k. apparently, seems i feel more seemly, more normal and comparing myself to others in this way, feeling as basic as the rest of you, hurts slightly, as i thought there was a good reason why i was different.  I won't keep doubting you all as much as I did do.

i went somewhere, i danced and moved, like a medicine man, drawn to our roots, yearning for ancestors, to greet me, i've honoured them, dishonoured them also, reconnected in my own way, done what i thought was right, some of which sounds out of this world and was probably just in my head, but supported by you lot.

Social networking and my openess and honesty meaning i've posted what i was thinking, doing, constantly reaffirming that i am not to be trifled with, and keeping many at a safe distance from their point of view, i wouldn't want anyone to think i was dangerous because i haven't been or intend to be, letting go of the idea of revenge a long time ago against those who hurt me, hoping for redemption for myself because of the hurts i have caused, the bullies, the people i bullied, apologies have gone out from my mind to whatever is listening.

i talk to it, my thoughts are free, i find that might be an issue with me, i'm easily distracted, find eye contact hard, those brief periods when i'm not so self concious that i'm aware of everything i'm doing too much rare, so it's not easy for me to relax, why it takes so long for me to get to know you, feel ok to be alone with you.

Where to end this, how to explain it, would i have been in an asylum in the past or better fed, less factory produced products, more food, eating well but so lacking in energy, plodding through a day listlessly, how much of our verve comes from our mental state, our desire to experience more, am i letting my mind make me feel like doing nothing but what i must, i know OCD sufferers can have strange thoughts, is it that only?

Because the symptoms have to be matched to the definition on what then becomes named as a disorder of the mind, what actually happens is that the more disorderly and strange society and humanity becomes there are just more names for more disorders, because we're bootstrapping ourselves into the dustbin of history, the food gets less nutricious but more tasty and addictive, the food scientists make it so, eat more of me, but get less well and healthy, get fatter, eat more, get depressed, by our drugs companies products, join the club, we're all ill on this earth, the soil, the seas, the air, it's all toxic, the tribespeople will tell you, even in the middle of the jungle they can feel our dirty lifestyle spreading over the magical mystical energy they lived in.

So where is our survival, in our minds, in our imaginations, as i start to tentatively reconnect with my subconcious, i gave the tiller of my ship over to it a few years ago, figured it couldn't do any worse than my day to day captain was, and in fact when we choose what we want to eat, our subconcious already knew, we live a few milliseconds behind, maybe more than that, experiencing reality as our frontal lobe computer catches up with the far more complex and fast processing deeper level older parts who work things out.

Under the radar of our conciousness is that deep and dark ocean of reliability that keeps out hearts beating, and these mystical clues like the things i've seen projected on to the screen outside of my body are just the sort of thing i need to see to remind me that between the me typing, automatically without waiting and the me that has fingers, there is a growing connection, one that i hope bears fruit, sweet, and ready for everyone.

I use mantras more often, i wish for a better world for everyone, i pray before i go to sleep and i dream so vividly, rowing my boat gently down a stream, the river, the sea, the ocean of conciousness before me.

The t.v. shows i used to like always ended each episode with everything back to normal, a happy result, some people grew and changed, mostly they stayed roughly the same, some dies occasionally and that hurt, i am feeling more straight laced than for many years and having a free mind, to think means in a given day i may wonder, i may feel as though it would be better not to be here, i may think about escape, i may also though, be glad, i do, i am, that all the rest of you have friends, lives, children, futures, and then there's me.

I once said i thought that when we die, the lights go out, then a pause, before shouts of surprise!  Lights going back on, everyone gathering round to wish you a happy death day, or something like that, then shushes as we turn the light out again and wait tentatively for the next one to come along in due time, i don't wish to treat life as a mystery, most folks just get on with it, and either avoid thinking about how much time they are wasting on things that don't matter like t.v. shows and sitting, around doing nothing, not seeing the places they would like to see, addicted to food that makes them ill but feels good at the time, or there are those that i have met, who more than i do, certainly more than most, improve themselves, in diet, in education, in life.

Who has it right?  The ones having kids and making homes, and decorating, and buying things they don't need but want or them that are reconnecting with nature and face the harsh extremes that i am experiencing?

I don't get too sad about it all so much as before, i occasionally feel upset for what i won't experience, but nonetheless, i'm doing the right things, as far as i can tell, feeling like an alien, acting my role, whatever, if it makes other happy, one day maybe I will find out whether i was meant to do that or try to work out what's going on, i can't help myself, but there are baselines, beats, themes, i feel like that is my place to explore.