stranger things

mental or mystical because it must be one or the other right?  i've flip flopped from one to the other, swings and roundabouts, feeling so disconnected from individuals and their insistence on trying to illicit a response when i feel so utterly connected to the world as a whole and the fraught fate that seems unerringly soonish even though i hold so dear and close this divine destiny within me whilst having a conversation with myself

so why oh why am i so scared at times so nervous that i drop things, accident prone, not using my phone unable to contact folks i merely reply when they contact me because i fear for them as i see the changes revealing all the things i've been through and how they have altered my perceptions of the globe and the revelations that there probably is something above and beyond all this to be discovered at a later date

by that i mean somewhere to go, something to do, to be, when it's been revealed to me in dribs and drabs since that time i felt as though whilst still me i was also god, the big one, the everything, seeing it all clearly from wherever it was that i went that time five years ago last week, since then i can see myself so much better and it hasn't all been a lovely ride, so many ups and downs, mostly downs since then to be fair

after all what might one expect after being the big boss of it all, unravelling a giant cats cradle, enlightenment as they say is not the process of seeing everything lit up as though in the middle of some divine light show but rather a way of shining so that you can clearly see everything that was previously swathed in shadow and so it has not been a pain free fun ride by any means but then neither have i been a sinless wonderful person only

becoming a god fearing frightfully scared soul who worries that my imagination is a sign of things to come or that there is a terrible truth to the demons and angels of religion and thus seeing the future as something to be at once a place i have no space and taste for but nonetheless an issue i have to face for i have responsibilities and with an open mind so many things have flown in, been sown inside, thrown into this maelstrom of ideas...

seeing trends and mein mind bending and my lack of friends because i feel like disowning myself in front of whatever i worried most was coming and figuring now that i see the truth amongst the many lies i told myself before about how others felt about me, how i felt about them, what was going to occur, seeming so much more than the ways others have ideas about their future that don't come to pass, i knew and spoke to them

i have lost a lot and thank my lucky stars i didn't get too close to anyone, and they have such wonderful lives i'm so happy for the folks i've met albeit briefly over the last five years, since 2011 especially, i see that i had made the visions of my mushrooms trips into a very real object rather than the subject of living dreams they were like my title of shaman such a wonderfilled experience like giving energy to folks and diagnosing them

when im dead i hope we get to see the truth from the lies and realise and forgiven and forgotten as marcus aurelius said though the things we do echo into eternity, im paraphrasing, but the gist was and it shocks me that whatever we do will live on in some way the good, and the bad, whatever is left here, this world, this forever life, the whatever comes after, that a friend said shouldn't be all that important while we are here.

or something like that, i get confused because there are so many different traditions, is talking to the dead a good thing a la mediumship, or do our legends and fables and tolkien have it right that we ought not to be able or want or wish to communicate with those who have gone on when i painted a vortex on the roof glowing when lit up and then extinguished at night  of the caravan i call home in the summer nights again

i was there hanging in space held by the navel, the body could not go but my everything else wanted to leave but could not, tied as it was to this place because of the flesh, the rest of me just wasn't ready for the journey and i wish to know that my fraught thoughts to take me now in recent times gone by months ago were not heard or could not  be actioned, so i also hope that my engenders to whatever is out there also fell short

if we are here to act with free will, i ache sore from all the horrid things that are possible and done here and bless the contradictions, the beauty and the ugliness, the fight and flight and fright and sights that make our eyes and souls long for time of yore when who knows what was true is this world where im showhorning rhymes in for no reason so i know im rambling and need to finish this up keep my going to be early time

i smile when i think of those who are really doing it, really making progress, making a difference, without aswell as within, i see how little has changed im back to square one again, still doing the same stuff, but cleaner, meaner, seeing just what i am like and not liking it at all but at least im judging less and stressing and distressing others least of all, letting them be, those who refuse to change or listen will one day learn maybe?