trickster judge and jury

in order to completely remove anyone elses trust of whatever i say it has become the order of the day that i shall exhibit behaviour unbecoming of someone on the level or to put it another way i am an eccentric to say the least or at most i could quite understand another apportioning me with the title of complete madman.  So, what is to be done when you accept without complaint that your actions of the recent past were quite daft to put it mildly but to put it plainly and without making it sound any less serious than it was, outright insanity.

Was I being controlled in some fashion by a ghost, driven to run away from imagined foes, as i was on that one day when i ran away from those i saw as threatened, or a threat, those that i could not see, behind me, the devil herself in the form of an invisible demon chasing me down, if i stop walking i shall be caught.

So I walked and walked, and the threat seemed to suggest i needed to let myself be struck by lightning.

So that I could die a good death, go back to heaven, stand alone in a field, submerge myself in a pond.

I thank goodness that this phase is over but it doesn't mean that i am no longer in communication with?

I could not say, at the outset it seemed as though it was a female deity, i got tips on cooking curries.

So I assumed it was my mother from Asia, because at the time I asked who I was and shakyamuni was the answer, I knew not how to spell it, this name that came into my head, i since have checked and coincidentally came across the name again, from a source I may have read before this whole story came about, so that my subconcious was aware of the name of the bhudda, but why do I spell his name, the title, Bhudda differently?

Why did I have such an affinity for massage, just a natural talent I guess, I certainly found it very pleasing to learn how and where to touch and work on myself, aswell as others when given the chance, but a shy and retiring person such as myself is exactly the wrong sort of folk to be given such a thing unless it's a challenge.

For me to get over my confidence issues, to find opportunities to get passed my failures to get on in life.

Anyway it seems as though from there, I went on a fools errand to bristol on my bike, alone, to an address that doesn't exist, on a road i had been to before, the theme appearing here is a part of me knows the truth.

I had been to this particular road before, the characters involved weren't who i thought they were obviously.

Now this mission to Bristol was to meet someone that i assumed i was speaking to telepathically, again.

I thought it was a person i had become fond of, admired greatly, met in real life, or at least associated with.

So I was nervous, this female was of great interest, the chance, the thought of meeting with them, i got over it, faced the journey with gratitude, even the rain, with a packed lunch in my nap sack, the road i had visited before on my way walking back into town to retrieve my car after staying at a friends house overnight.

Something i also hasn't done much of, i rarely feel comfortable in the house of someone else, for long periods, something i haven't done much of, without it being someone i have come to know well, I trust rarely, i feel stressed because my communication skills let me down, i don't speak up when i ought to, find it hard to ask for help, for something i need, to create strong relationships it is necessary to open up and i don't do that.

Or I'm incredibly open, this annoying dichotomy, of the lengths i will go to when the time is right, when i'm in the moment, if it's for someone else, i have to face my fears and get over them and get on with whatever it is.

So I rode there, expecting to face the unknown of whatever it was i was going to be needed for, whatever it meant to be meeting this someone, on their doorstep, the house wasn't there, no number 23 on that road.

I ate my simple bread, cheese and crisps lunch, drank some water and turned around on my bike and retraced my steps, my cycle, back through town, back to the cyclepath, back home eventually in the rain.

Why i have felt cursed and blesses in equal measure, i have done wrong in this life and i have done right too.

I have felt as though there was some inherent weakness within me, no courage, no support but i blame none.

I blame none but myself, i take it all on my shoulders, i find it hard to look forward without seeing nothing but death and yet i am closer to being my self again, dreaming again, getting closer to lucidity, i fear some things still, i face the worry i have caused that tempers my treatment of myself, and others too, i feel for them also.

I see why i must wait, why I must think of others more, i learnt so much from the new friends, the ones who are willing to express their experiences and allow me to see what they do in their waking days that i wish i could and they lead me here in many ways, i wonder how much though, how many of the things i've seen are merely figments of my imagination, have i projected them onto this reality from within my own conciousness?

I have seen things, eyes closed and eyes open, were they realised from things i have seen on t.v. or read about?  That would be a tragedy but also a sign that this reality, so called, is maleable, can be anything.

I saw the energy fields of plants, they were linked together merging and ethereal, shining so bright at night, on a full moon alone outside, wandering asking to see something true and new, keep me safe mushrooms, do.

If this was all just a game then perhaps i would have less shame, so we'll see, what occurs when it all ends.

I shall not do anything but those techniques i am following including nutrition to ensure better health and i have resolved to spend at least the rest of my days making sure that i am there for others who need me.

Doesn't make it any easier that i can see myself so much more clearly, without the crutch and i find myself constantly reiterating the same story, about illegal drugs and legal ones like alcohol and tobacco and it's a lame process as before this period i really attempted to do my best never to repeat myself if i could.

But whatever, it feels good to write these words and get it off my chest, some might call it a mental illness to feel as though there were negative voices, i have heard that in tribal countries, more natural, in nature, they don't experience such negative voices, thoughts, the townier you are the worse it gets, for me it's mostly things that are actually good for me, clean your teeth, get a good nights sleep, meditate, don't stay up late.

I don't talk to others about this because for me it's a learning curve that i need to go through and at home is the safest place, as soon as someone makes you worry that you might be ill rather than going through a process, growing, changing for the better, i feel as though im behaving better, less angry, able to understand the point of view of others more, realise why i found it so hard to walk a mile in their shoes, maybe the b12.

I'm going to keep upping the dose of what the doctor ordered, b vitamin, add in d3 because of the deficiency of sun light in the winter, we all suffer from that over here in the u.k. apparently, seems i feel more seemly, more normal and comparing myself to others in this way, feeling as basic as the rest of you, hurts slightly, as i thought there was a good reason why i was different.  I won't keep doubting you all as much as I did do.

i went somewhere, i danced and moved, like a medicine man, drawn to our roots, yearning for ancestors, to greet me, i've honoured them, dishonoured them also, reconnected in my own way, done what i thought was right, some of which sounds out of this world and was probably just in my head, but supported by you lot.

Social networking and my openess and honesty meaning i've posted what i was thinking, doing, constantly reaffirming that i am not to be trifled with, and keeping many at a safe distance from their point of view, i wouldn't want anyone to think i was dangerous because i haven't been or intend to be, letting go of the idea of revenge a long time ago against those who hurt me, hoping for redemption for myself because of the hurts i have caused, the bullies, the people i bullied, apologies have gone out from my mind to whatever is listening.

i talk to it, my thoughts are free, i find that might be an issue with me, i'm easily distracted, find eye contact hard, those brief periods when i'm not so self concious that i'm aware of everything i'm doing too much rare, so it's not easy for me to relax, why it takes so long for me to get to know you, feel ok to be alone with you.

Where to end this, how to explain it, would i have been in an asylum in the past or better fed, less factory produced products, more food, eating well but so lacking in energy, plodding through a day listlessly, how much of our verve comes from our mental state, our desire to experience more, am i letting my mind make me feel like doing nothing but what i must, i know OCD sufferers can have strange thoughts, is it that only?

Because the symptoms have to be matched to the definition on what then becomes named as a disorder of the mind, what actually happens is that the more disorderly and strange society and humanity becomes there are just more names for more disorders, because we're bootstrapping ourselves into the dustbin of history, the food gets less nutricious but more tasty and addictive, the food scientists make it so, eat more of me, but get less well and healthy, get fatter, eat more, get depressed, by our drugs companies products, join the club, we're all ill on this earth, the soil, the seas, the air, it's all toxic, the tribespeople will tell you, even in the middle of the jungle they can feel our dirty lifestyle spreading over the magical mystical energy they lived in.

So where is our survival, in our minds, in our imaginations, as i start to tentatively reconnect with my subconcious, i gave the tiller of my ship over to it a few years ago, figured it couldn't do any worse than my day to day captain was, and in fact when we choose what we want to eat, our subconcious already knew, we live a few milliseconds behind, maybe more than that, experiencing reality as our frontal lobe computer catches up with the far more complex and fast processing deeper level older parts who work things out.

Under the radar of our conciousness is that deep and dark ocean of reliability that keeps out hearts beating, and these mystical clues like the things i've seen projected on to the screen outside of my body are just the sort of thing i need to see to remind me that between the me typing, automatically without waiting and the me that has fingers, there is a growing connection, one that i hope bears fruit, sweet, and ready for everyone.

I use mantras more often, i wish for a better world for everyone, i pray before i go to sleep and i dream so vividly, rowing my boat gently down a stream, the river, the sea, the ocean of conciousness before me.

The t.v. shows i used to like always ended each episode with everything back to normal, a happy result, some people grew and changed, mostly they stayed roughly the same, some dies occasionally and that hurt, i am feeling more straight laced than for many years and having a free mind, to think means in a given day i may wonder, i may feel as though it would be better not to be here, i may think about escape, i may also though, be glad, i do, i am, that all the rest of you have friends, lives, children, futures, and then there's me.

I once said i thought that when we die, the lights go out, then a pause, before shouts of surprise!  Lights going back on, everyone gathering round to wish you a happy death day, or something like that, then shushes as we turn the light out again and wait tentatively for the next one to come along in due time, i don't wish to treat life as a mystery, most folks just get on with it, and either avoid thinking about how much time they are wasting on things that don't matter like t.v. shows and sitting, around doing nothing, not seeing the places they would like to see, addicted to food that makes them ill but feels good at the time, or there are those that i have met, who more than i do, certainly more than most, improve themselves, in diet, in education, in life.

Who has it right?  The ones having kids and making homes, and decorating, and buying things they don't need but want or them that are reconnecting with nature and face the harsh extremes that i am experiencing?

I don't get too sad about it all so much as before, i occasionally feel upset for what i won't experience, but nonetheless, i'm doing the right things, as far as i can tell, feeling like an alien, acting my role, whatever, if it makes other happy, one day maybe I will find out whether i was meant to do that or try to work out what's going on, i can't help myself, but there are baselines, beats, themes, i feel like that is my place to explore.

stranger things

mental or mystical because it must be one or the other right?  i've flip flopped from one to the other, swings and roundabouts, feeling so disconnected from individuals and their insistence on trying to illicit a response when i feel so utterly connected to the world as a whole and the fraught fate that seems unerringly soonish even though i hold so dear and close this divine destiny within me whilst having a conversation with myself

so why oh why am i so scared at times so nervous that i drop things, accident prone, not using my phone unable to contact folks i merely reply when they contact me because i fear for them as i see the changes revealing all the things i've been through and how they have altered my perceptions of the globe and the revelations that there probably is something above and beyond all this to be discovered at a later date

by that i mean somewhere to go, something to do, to be, when it's been revealed to me in dribs and drabs since that time i felt as though whilst still me i was also god, the big one, the everything, seeing it all clearly from wherever it was that i went that time five years ago last week, since then i can see myself so much better and it hasn't all been a lovely ride, so many ups and downs, mostly downs since then to be fair

after all what might one expect after being the big boss of it all, unravelling a giant cats cradle, enlightenment as they say is not the process of seeing everything lit up as though in the middle of some divine light show but rather a way of shining so that you can clearly see everything that was previously swathed in shadow and so it has not been a pain free fun ride by any means but then neither have i been a sinless wonderful person only

becoming a god fearing frightfully scared soul who worries that my imagination is a sign of things to come or that there is a terrible truth to the demons and angels of religion and thus seeing the future as something to be at once a place i have no space and taste for but nonetheless an issue i have to face for i have responsibilities and with an open mind so many things have flown in, been sown inside, thrown into this maelstrom of ideas...

seeing trends and mein mind bending and my lack of friends because i feel like disowning myself in front of whatever i worried most was coming and figuring now that i see the truth amongst the many lies i told myself before about how others felt about me, how i felt about them, what was going to occur, seeming so much more than the ways others have ideas about their future that don't come to pass, i knew and spoke to them

i have lost a lot and thank my lucky stars i didn't get too close to anyone, and they have such wonderful lives i'm so happy for the folks i've met albeit briefly over the last five years, since 2011 especially, i see that i had made the visions of my mushrooms trips into a very real object rather than the subject of living dreams they were like my title of shaman such a wonderfilled experience like giving energy to folks and diagnosing them

when im dead i hope we get to see the truth from the lies and realise and forgiven and forgotten as marcus aurelius said though the things we do echo into eternity, im paraphrasing, but the gist was and it shocks me that whatever we do will live on in some way the good, and the bad, whatever is left here, this world, this forever life, the whatever comes after, that a friend said shouldn't be all that important while we are here.

or something like that, i get confused because there are so many different traditions, is talking to the dead a good thing a la mediumship, or do our legends and fables and tolkien have it right that we ought not to be able or want or wish to communicate with those who have gone on when i painted a vortex on the roof glowing when lit up and then extinguished at night  of the caravan i call home in the summer nights again

i was there hanging in space held by the navel, the body could not go but my everything else wanted to leave but could not, tied as it was to this place because of the flesh, the rest of me just wasn't ready for the journey and i wish to know that my fraught thoughts to take me now in recent times gone by months ago were not heard or could not  be actioned, so i also hope that my engenders to whatever is out there also fell short

if we are here to act with free will, i ache sore from all the horrid things that are possible and done here and bless the contradictions, the beauty and the ugliness, the fight and flight and fright and sights that make our eyes and souls long for time of yore when who knows what was true is this world where im showhorning rhymes in for no reason so i know im rambling and need to finish this up keep my going to be early time

i smile when i think of those who are really doing it, really making progress, making a difference, without aswell as within, i see how little has changed im back to square one again, still doing the same stuff, but cleaner, meaner, seeing just what i am like and not liking it at all but at least im judging less and stressing and distressing others least of all, letting them be, those who refuse to change or listen will one day learn maybe?

mr robot

floetry because to call it prose or poetry is limiting the expression and i wouldnee want to give the impression that this is merely just some kind of first love of mine because it's all i have for my time to write to shell out to invest in some kind of vested interest and vibe with words and rhymes and at the same moment in this ending yet eternal bending mess we call life and death and yes it's about l*ve again even though i've leaned on and learned how little i have to give my palms are writ large in lines between them little notes of a past who knows if there's that much truth to reading hands face up when we say we know an area like the back of those which is what i wish to explain but pained as i am to reveal any more of this story his story hit and miss story repeating old verbal treatise my tresses growing again knowing that my hair is more shaggy dog's glory than a lovely mane no lying here staring glumly into this blue lit space on screen not a star or sheen some thing even more incredible to believe as fact and fiction blur berenstained layzboyz reclining on this world like a toy globe failed by those who really ought to know better as they think they are ours older not wiser by all accounts so i flout language churning and yearning to create new words a flought i found is a fleeting thought no sound so why dont we speak up create a new place that looks like this where fairness comes first and no more of your old worst ideas as we evolve from being what we were to what we imagine we could be it's that simple if you wish it the final lesson oh hello is a how'd you do it?