all i said was that i thought one of those overnight gypsy villages was an innapropriate erection

I just walked home with a few pints onboard and a smoke too, wending my way merrily, actually slightly terrified, high anxiety, slightly nervous, then calm again as i check my breath and it's slow and steady again, making my way a little longer than i ought to have done by moving unsteadily across the road surface as it really gets dark. Someone's coming, I hear the strange sound of a vehicle being driven erratically, I get the feeling I should dart into the side, into this gateway that I know is there, hide for a second or two and then carry on towards home. Entering the woods, I've left the semi safe openess of the lane through fields and now I'm on the bad surfaced section where my feet have to be careful where they go, moving down the hill, into the bottom, where the beeches are old and have giant snakes wrapped around them towards the top of the trunks. Etchings in the back face of initials f.m. 4 p.d. god save the duke. I can't see a fucking thing in this bitter darkness, the overwhelming fear that was beginning at the start of the journey, when i saw a shadow behind me and looked round under the streetlights to see nothing and no-one, I'm only taking into this situation what i have on me, no car, no weapons, but my wits and my tendency to relax in a crisis, or freeze up.
But that was then and this is now and i worked on that panic reaction, where I would realise my stomach was out and not doing anything, then breathe in and go aha, so that's breathing, so self concious was i, of eating in public, of speaking in public, of being in public, cities made me ill the first time i went there, bristol and leaflets, I'm a country boy and this sort of thing is unreasonable and toxic and get me out of here, and then I'm back in the woods, but on the road, i keep on veering to the right and symbolically that means i still have a big bias towards the left brain, controlling the right side, i need to look left and right if im going to cross the crossroads safely every time, stop, look and fucking listen boy, the goddess said and so I did, every time she nagged me, erm reminded me lovingly i ought to say, I did so, I changed every bad habit, as much as a woman should have no designs to make something of a man beyond loving friendship so that you both do whatever it was that you were meant to do in this world, whether that's to be together or not, forever or just this moment, this day, what's that about? Make it count, make it feel like it's gonna last forever by seeing how many moments there are when you stop adding them up and start counting them down, how much longer have you left to do something with your life? Do it, whatever it is! Do iT!
SO I did it, i held my hands out, as though in a gesture of christ, i almost hate to say it, but that's what it looks like and i'm no j.b.h. i'm not him, he's me, or at least his energy, and it's yours, and it's theirs, and everyones really, not just me. So I walked on, hands held out, if someone wants to hurt me they can, the shamanic nature of this spiritual encounter is real, this is a spirit walk, a time to see how much is spirit, everything, yes, we know that, but i get to see the spirit of the road, my eyesight becoming slightly better, as though green screen on a night vision scope, some definition at least to the darkness, and i welcome the spirits around me, and use the mantra love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, building a walk of love around me, in love bricks, section by section, in groups of eight, not infinity which is equal when drawn, an eight tends to have a smaller top half, then more and more seemingly swarm around me, realising i've blown the tension by interjecting at the wrong moment, my old curse is going, maybe but then i walk on still, seeing the indistinct shapes of hundreds of ghostly outlines, slipping back and forth around the extent of my vision but i know there's loads of them behind me too, they're everywhere and i am sending them love, that is it, whatever you bring me, it's love from me or nowt. You know that it's time to go to the love, be with the love that never dies. Go now.
SO I figured I should do it, keep my promises, the totally secret ones, not the ones i made when I was a kid that i broke, with the help of a shaman, who took someone in a terrible state and made it worse for a while, of course, much, much, much worse, but only because the final outcome, given freedom of will, would be this, I've met three shamans now, three healers, three wise people. Now I'm the wise one, the good one, the trying to,no, doing things differently one, the one who actually believes in heaven and hell and it's here and it's there, and it's every fucking where, and everything and we're it. holy shit, indeed mother goddess, holy shit, holy shizzle, give my love to brizzle and everyfink thanks heart emoticon + smile emoticon This is an excerpt from the book im writing called 'conversations with goddess'
if you're interested in this idea, liked this bit please let me know as i am going to publish and am looking for an editor, someone to help me get a good deal, not amazon / kindle, somewhere that grows by word of mouth not advertising and by allowing me to have printed copies to give away as i really think it's a gift to ask someone to read your shit, it's a challenge to put it out there, but it's only practise. So that's it really, thanks for listening all these years, you all rock