Hmmm what a waste

Well, perhaps you never know until you try, in this case all I can say is I tried, and now I know

Or don't know as the case may be, and I hope that for others, i haven't damaged their certainty.

I feel like I've persuaded myself and possibly others that there was a way of seeing the world,

different to the one everyone else believes in, or at least along the lines of a less rational view

So I can only apologise, and feel like i've lead myself a merry dance into v dangerous waters,

you see as i may have mentioned in the past and deleted the posts, i've become convinced of

a possibility that over the years i've gradually become more and more sure of some nonsense

which now suggests, that most if not all of my experiences were just that, my experiences...

Fucking painful to accept this though it is, I worry that my certainty may have tainted others

I now sit in the unenviable position of knowing how badly I've treated others around me and

knowing that I can't make up for the lost years, all I can do is the right thing by those I love

try to make the best of a bad job that I've made of the last several years gradually becoming

less able to function as a normal human being, more withdrawn and more judgemental and

totally believing my own bullshit stories, and then there's still the nagging fucking itching,

twitching feeling that some of it was true, it can't all be suggestion and lucky guesses no...

There's something to this life that doesn't make rational sense, and although I've got to let

go and hope I can somehow make my way back to reality, having insight at least, to see

where i've gone wrong even if i'm still making the same mistakes, to find out what it is,

knowing i've not done much harm, except to myself, and the opinions of others maybe

changed a few minds because of my single minded belief, all i can be sure of is today.

Today I don't know what the future holds or want to guess, except that i'm in it so that

I can somehow get back into a normal routine, pay off my debts somehow make right

what feels to me like a hellish nightmare and not the sort of  'soul life plan' i would've

agreed to if i'd known that this place was going to be treated in this way by me going

on about how we happen to life it doesn't happen to us, spouting new age nonsense,

as it seemed to make so much sense now it's all a giant fucking mess with my head

in the mixer, mixed up mother fucking fuckwit, now seeing how much others live

when i've been busy getting ready for a death i said i was unafraid of, a new life,

that i thought went on forever and now fear because it's all such a shlock horror

sherlocks creator wrote about a detective who only believed in the rational truth

but made a big point of supporting spiritualism in his own life and fairies at the

bottom of the garden, so what is the true truth of this life, is it to watch the golf?

or to work to recognise a spiritual dimension to our existence on this earth then?

whatever the point is i think i would like not to keep on about it anymore please

no more inspiration for me, since i shut down, called it all off, scared myself so

and so it goes on or at least i do for now, closing down, pulling back, away, oh.