Normal

It's really hard to write at the moment, my life is so full of other things, my mind and everything is consumed with other things, normal things.  I know!  Well not that normal but you know, going places, socialising, meeting new and interesting people and spending time with some of the ones that are still interesting that you already know ;) I don't want to write about the specifics anymore,when I do write here it's always a mixture of people I'm describing or it can be one person here and another there, or myself, I use the royal we you I and them or whatever so often if I say you, i might mean you someone, or you everyone.  It confuses me, I write some of it and think to myself that it's not making sense, or giving the wrong impression, that i should go back and clarify the point, or make amends.  but the truth is I feel like i imbue the words with my meaning, that when you read them, you will know what i had in mind, what was in my heart, in my words, my song.

This song of love that keeps on whispering and shouting love Love LOVE like a happy minstrel or wandering musician content to serenade another young lady for her young man.  I've met a lot of women and done just about nothing when it comes to actually getting around to doing something about fucking them.  but then I've not been after that, or solely that ever, never have i gone out to pull for a shag, i've gone out on the pull, got off with one or two girls had fun but never taken it any further than that.  I suppose i always assumed they'd gotten off with me cos they were drunk, i didn't ask for numbers, why would I bother, they'd not give me theirs, why would I want it?  Going out in the past I had to get pissed to have fun, to lose my shell, lose my inhibitions, i still like to get loose not pissed, i like to know what I'm doing, at least that way if i regret it or love it there's no-one and nothing to thank or blame but me.  Just me, credit and shame where it's due.

Every time I go to write, or talk though it's lessening, the last two years sent me on a journey and it has repeating themes, rather like a movie or trilogy or six films like the l.o.t.r. or s.w. and those themes and feelings and stages of the process repeat in less harsh and quicker instances each time the lessons i had to learn come easier, i feel that they are being absorbed much deeper, that my whole being is slowly becoming more and more improved, despite my advancing age I feel as good as I've ever felt and things only seem to get better and better.  I had a sexual fantasy the other week, you see i shut down everything.  I numbed not just my bum sitting around doing nothing.  Last year the mental flack became so heavy I was shot down in flames, rack and ruin of a shattered soul and battered brain and body.  Had lost too much weight although I thought I was fine, had gotten to the point of not being able to relax, on edge, ill at ease, dis - eased.

It was all a stage, of a process, that began when I was young, stalled for many many years, was ticking away like a timebomb in the background because I live where I live and do what I do, I have nature everywhere.

She was the first thing.  Always my constant, then everything was dark, she was, I was, we was, it was.

I first loved her again, went walking, forced myself outside again, an old pattern you see the sickness runs deep, it ran through my years up and down, sickening as i went to towns healing as i moved closer to home.

Always she was first to see me, and me to see her, then she would kiss my forehead, wash my face, kick my ass and send me home with a smile on my face and rosey cheeks.  Healing me inside and out, loving me.

I've worked fucking hard mind you, read lots of books, on theology, on religion, on spirituality, on the mind, on the science of everything and the relevant works on nothing ;) i had addictions coming out of the wazoo

Collections of badges, phone cards, I was a collector, now I collect beautiful feathers and give them to a wonderful young woman in bristol who does who knows what but I can't wait to see it, and where's my peacock feather in return? ;) It's for a friend and I really ought to keep the promise I didnt make yet to her, I kept it in my own mind for later knowing she will love it when this plan comes together eventually if it does.

There's this woman I know a little.  I like her a lot but I don't want to be too myself, i.e. way too much too soon.  So I'm holding back, I've got so much love to give and I find that other people tend to find it a little overwhelming, so I'm going to do my best not to give more than I'm getting.  I should really just keep that in mind and keep on not doing what I want to do which is either ask her straight out if she's interested, or keep on just being the best friend I can be and remember that has worked gloriously in the past to keep me single.

Not that I really care that much, don't want to sound heartless but I needed to get hurt a lot more than I had.

I'd only ever actually been hurt once, by me.

So I wanted the practise and felt bad for having all these incredible women coming into my life and blowing every single opportunity to get anywhere with any of them, or just talking myself out of using anyone that I didn't like that much or actually think I had a real connection with, or didnt want to feel like I was using them in any way, cos I couldn't stand the idea of waking up the next morning and not wanting to spend the day with them.

I've been there and it's awful so I said never again
I've had a relationship and decided never to get hurt
So i didn't fo 20 years,although i did love two friends
Not really though as I didn't do anything about it really

So here I am going on and on about my love story or not

It's not that big a deal, I find it funny now, when retelling Astrid
You know the fact she came back from south america to meet me
Then disappeared into the sunset when I butted heads over a raincoat

I just can't help telling you where you're going wrong, I like it, tell me for fucks sake

Otherwise I'm just going to be this much of a fuckup forever, I need the practise, tell me

I'm fucking awesome in bed and a great kisser so don't worry about any of that, just a little rusty

Oh that woman I was talking about before it's several women,you see there are loads,the ones before

The ones recently, the ones at the moment, the ones that got away, the ones I nearly almost ...

haha its so funny now that i think about it i cant complain, i held back i was scared

i didnt want to get hurt again, every time i opened my heart,

i either let it open a slit or so wide it broke.

i broke it never anyone else.

i finished with you all.

now i love you all.

it's so hard,

to pick

love.

jon

x

you'll have to help me decide...

i wanna call you now and find out what the fuck is going on and then i remember patience, we're getting on great and i really appreciate your friendship more than I can say it's such a long time since i had someone i could be close to, a friend whose a girl I could get close to without worrying that i'm in love with you or going to fall for you, or that you have feelings for me, that you don't want to have, because I'm a twat... ;) x

if it turned out i cant find someone who likes me as much as i like them then im going to fucking top myself

with the never ending shagathon it would be if i just gave up trying to find someone i can have some passion with, someone i can fuck with, make love with, cook with, mess around with, play fight with, walk with,talk with, run with, play with, toy with, anger, feed, annoy, tease, please, massage, heal, love, sleep with at night.

occasionally, hey its been twenty years im not in a rush to move in with anyone, im not that sure i want to do anything other than stay here, build mud huts, start small businesses and a kitchen garden and heal peoples.

Whoever they are the women that like me, as i really cant tell, very well anyway,i know the ones i like and i do my best to ensure i dont flirt with the ones i really like cos i cant control my nervous fucking feeling with them, and only feel really comfortable with the ones im closest too already, and dont fancy at all or want anything other than friendship with.  Fucked up right?  Although i think i've got a feeling that's cos that's how it should be, i should be able to harmlessly flirt and have fun with a friend without it meaning anything more.

Am I actually learning something here?  fuck i think i might be...

I did this at school, mr back hard man

explaining something terribly

asks me a question

i stand up
get it wrong
go into long description of how i got it wrong and work out the right answer thus showing the entire class the quickest way to understand the point and how not to get it wrong, only to get shouted down by mr back.

How dare you boy, i think it was cos i wouldnt shut up

or the time i stood up to the head of the i.t. department at g.e.c. plessey semiconductors because they weren't interested in recycling old components by giving or selling them off to staff, so i setup a father christmas acccount and email and sent the entire company a jolly give away email.

I didnt back down he looked like he was going to explode
lots of fun

i dont recognise authority

not the police, the courts, the judges

no-one judges me except me

thats the confidence tempered by humility that allows me to continue my journey through the process
from nothing to something, to a part of everything

not just a cog in a larger wheel in a larger thing
but more like a link in a chain that will drive
something greater still that i dont mind
being a part of at least until i know
where we're going with this
if i dont like the result
i'll end experiment
quit program
shut down
all down
down
and
out
x

Things are looking up since I stopped expecting the worst all the time,earlier today

I expect to have to keep not expecting the worst for sometime now to retrain

my poor battered brain, so used to disappointment my dreams never came

true, but then I played no part in them ever becoming reality before

i sat back and watched my friends love, marry, child, settle

i wasnt concerned, i knew there was something else

something else i was saving myself for and i dont

really know what that is but at least i have

a clue now, working towards it now

keep on plugging away losing

my constant worry and

fuss and thoughts

just feeling

doing

being

loving

when i can

who needs it

who needs me

loves me too

and I do

them

Jon

x