loving you immediately forever

broken in two, no, too many to name, so many pieces in fact that my splintered mirror shards leave every multi faceted perspective on you and everything else in this godforsaken place, available to me...

Then i work out what feels right, or ask lots of questions and i'm annoying, and clumsy and gracefully charming it's a fucking curse.  I could hurt you worse than anyone you've ever loved or see you
become the happiest you've ever been... Everything is up for grabs, all the worse cases are out there and all of them sooo unlikely it's only tempting fate... er positive spin, so that makes sense from the original saying which was that it was 'unwise not to tempt fate...' 'always try for good luck' ' if you dont ask you don't get'

You see the spin docs have
been littering history with all sorts

of fables we find hard or impossible

to believe, like that Jesus of Nazareth

when that's because he's out of reach to us.  He suddenly was this amazing guy,the son of god and capable of incredible things.  He did this by living what he preached and by being a great example of 'you are what you do'... 

far too perfect for us to ever even dare

to think that we could be that good, pure

it's a journey from the wilderness and then

back to reality and facing the dull monotony

the same things every year, remade movies

sporting events we watch but don't support

we do so many things cos they're habits only

all it takes is working a little bit on good habits

of your own, starting with some housekeeping

1) all the old  stuff on the back burner burned

2) now it's forwards ever backwards never ish

3) cos leaving your options open makes the best

sense.  The heartfelt presence of direct experience

the moment you feel something and it's good and true

can smell like a poison to someone hooked on disappointment

after all most of us have been beaten, abused, used, myself included

i don't get away scot free, you see the tears were of joy and some pain

for the love of my friends Jack and Anna who are going to be Smithing it soon

Thankyou so much for the first invitation i will accept to a wedding outside my family

i scorned the idea of ever being a best man, avoided responsibility my whole life and had it

foisted on me  cos I'm so damn good at dealing with it, as long as I don't realise what's going on,

as soon as I'm concious of the moments passing from one to the next rather than smoothly going from

then to now to the next when, i can't help but feel a slight panic when you're near at least at first cos we feel

the same don't we, at least in my often um quirky emotional memory that leaves me bereft of any subterfuge



the painful ones were cos im a miserable loner who loves company

but on my terms and then I feel guilty for wanting to set boundaries

i would like to and expect to see them all smashed the fuck out of,

limits? there's no such thing only what you set for yourself, thinking.

talking yourself into and out of the truth, the comforting lie,

he couldn't like me as much as i like him? like share or steal.

If we
both hold
back neither gets anything except another example of how we can
blame the other person for why we're a sad example of a human being

only really accepting of the title for a few years if that cos

it wasn't until I could see myself with love and children

that I could actually feel myself as someone mature

enough to have a sexual relationship again maybe

i suppose that's going to cum up at some point

you see for me it's all about the romcom kiss

not the sappy happy end of the movie thing

no the first kiss between two people who

share a mutual attraction on any level

whatever you both need, it feels,

like it's from each other right?

that's all attraction really is,

your needs meeting mine

from the most base

and awesome fun

to the d.i.y. or

costco run ;)

A favour for a friend or the first and last date of the rest of your life?

I don't mean to frighten you but anything is possible, some things still pretty fucking unlikely but still, whilst there's nothing new under the sun there certainly is under the moon, when our dreams unite our daymares
but your certainty in the grim reality of life is wrong.  It's getting
better rapidly, look, listen, feel, touch, taste,smell it bisto kids

follow your noses and your instincts, ok too paternal now

i'm not a father yet, a father figure?  Hmm role model

for what not to do?  Self deprecation is fine as long

as you seek to help others through their empathy

for your pathetic lives, not looking for sympathy

cos that's a crutch like so many others, drugs

they work at first, then you need more and

more to get the same effect or we struggle

not to do them too often or end up with

a habit or a career or a prison spell

for experimenting with our body

and mind to a very safe degree.

drug deaths per week? minus

alcohol specifically equals

a few if that to thousands

a year.  They tease you

show you a little of

what you fancy...

Get the realdeal

It's free and

always will

be, love

jon

x

my inhibitions go when im doing my
best to get everyone to lower their guard

that's the court jester the clever dick the puck

michievious in a good way probably, I hope so too.

I do things on instinct cos otherwise i'd over think it all

i get scared easily by beautiful women who make me feel

completely at ease in their company like you did today miss

so i'm going to have to finish this whole thing off hoping it's not

too cryptic this time cos I'm bored of explaining myself all the time

to people who are ready to hear whatever they like not listen and learn

or ask questions to which the answers are easy but the asking is fucking hard

you know the ones, the unknown that's out there, oh fuck if this happens then this

then that then the other then then then,so many moves ahead of ourselves...

looking forward to a happy ending as soon as possible not the reality

rose tinted goggles with your skin full of beer, oh fucking finally

back to what i wanted to say that was gonna be so sweet

and truthfully romantic not that utter gobshite until apatow

i guess i want to, need you to anticipate the kiss cos that's

the
best
bit of any relationship at least at first it's the not knowing

then in the end it's the knowing, too fucking much about

each other which seemed like the reason to spend time

in the first place before there's any will they won't they

when you
both know without a shadow of a doubt as clear as day

how you feel a
bout one another, then we hide that away and slowly let them in on it over the days weeks months and years ;)  ok i'm
being a patronising twat as usual
but as usual my hearts in the right place

unrealistic expectations are my thing, were

my thing, cos I've got an expansive imagination

to put it fucking mildly, so anything and everything

whatever could go wrong went wrong in my mind

talked myself out of all my dreams and held back

still it's not easy to meet others half way at first.

We're resistant, it's a friction, frustrating too.

To have to open up again, get hurt again.

Put all of our hopes and dreams into...

STOP! movie madness ensues...

Hi i like you, can i have your number please?

thankyou very much, 'oh fuck i've got to call'

under my breath as i cant believe i just asked

but you couldn't have made a better impression

not being taken aback by my perma frown or the

sheer ugliness of my face, the goggly eyes the daft

rubberfaced expressions and overly earnest attempt

to talk to you without swallowing my tongue, it's nice

to save all sorts of things we'd like to get to right away

until we've earnt them, trust and intimacy are earned not

given away for the sake of immediacy or lust, I swore not

ever would I do that again, a one night stand, what the fuck?

I got pissed to get off with someone who seemed really great

but i was too ashamed not knowing what went on to even talk

i avoided her and her mate until we left sharpish the next morning

running away from the thing i should be holding most dear, risking.

Risking nothing i have now on a possible not nothing at some point.

that was twenty years ago or so give or take a couple of reminders,

from my old friends that i might have a mini me up north somewhere.

my heart says no cos i know i wouldnt and couldnt have had sex when,

all i've ever wanted was to make love, to someone i care about

it's old fashioned or you could say the truest expression of
building something solid, but temporary, to start with

so there's no harm no foul play just honest fucking

getting to the bottom of our worst traits our bad

er habits or faulty programming inside our head

we keep replaying them cos we get a repeat

of the emotions and feelings involved like

a raw inner memory live and kicking

like watching a film or comedy dvd

that you've seen so many times

that you know all the dialogue

waiting for the jokes har de

fucking har har same jokes

reassuringly at the same

point in the script so

why aren't you the

editor of yours?



so why aren't you editing

yours?  it's the narrator

right now reading this

hear them reading it

in my voice if we met

if you bring anything to mind you're

actually going to the past or soon

you're living the future before it's

even here yet




we are expecting the worst hoping for the

best when we really want to expect the
best and keep our hope for the worst,

when we will really need it to save us



as hope is last to die and that dare,

that stubborn little voice that says,

go on, ask, chat, follow your gut

when mind computer says no.

Ten years in the I.T. crowd

nearly wiped out my stupid

and my sense of humour,

my patience for people

who lie about having

broken something,

rather than own

up and take

the hit



hope dies last and i hope i don't muck up constantly for ever, i'm learning lessons quickly honest i am and then they get bigger and way more intimidating the further up the hierarchy
but the risk reward is still the same in that the ends justify the means

make love or make war, on yourself on no-one else really

give love to others don't go for what you want or hold

back in order to make them settle for the depth to

which they know you now, which is barely at all

instead of openly celebrating your combined

weirdnesses now quite freely cos it's funny

and freeing and so much joy to be had

being yourself and seeing who likes

that person not all the ones we're

expected to be, or expect of

ourselves, so much pressure

you're old enough to marry

where's our grandchildren?

don't you know me at all?

put any pressure on me i

crumble but if you let me

take enough time to be

ready to risk leaving

my own comfort

zone of safety

we could try

not to steal,

but share

love

Jon

x

p.s. i do tend to lose track of where im going sometimes cos im so focussed on seeing as far ahead along the road in front as possible and all the way behind to make sure I know what to expect ahead and what not to do again when i get there, like cutting people up (or with your words) making other people slam on their
brakes (not supporting but jealously thwarting or naysaying or otherwise not saying try it you might never get another chance because they're secretly envious that you are willing and able to live your life the way it was meant to be, to express yourself so that you show to the world the best you, the most authentic you, the one that shows all your best and worst features to the prospective tenant of your heart, they can
be in there you can
be in theirs
but youve no reason to
be planning anything

let it happen

oh fuck

my hearts
been
beating pretty fast today, dancing, those easy tears of regret and release for past missed opportunities
barely, as i'd honoured my total skill at
being completely
backwards at coming forwards


i volunteer for everything!

to regret it sometimes


but mostly to find i've put myself

right where i need to be, with

who i need to be with

to progress in some

area or other of

life, this whole

sweary mess

of confusion

for someone

so painfully shy

and yet incredibly

outgoing and tapped

not to go by the book

my only reassurance being

i will have done the right thing



i'll try to be less honest up front, no, more honest, but like whoever it was said this or i jus made it up:-



advice is much more welcome when it's offered before it's given ;)

that way we can choose to learn more and confuse ourselves

instead of going with what we know now, i like him / her

that's enough for now, i need to know more, but treat

myself mean, the other person with grudging respect

they seem to have gotten under my radar somehow

and we're chatting quite happily, i'm not having a

placebo panic attack when i realise i've been

flirting with someone cos I don't know i am.

had to be told the first time i ever did it

publicly in the pub as i recall, twenty

(half my current life as it stands)

years ago, not harping on it's

a painful anniversary of the

loss through stupidity and

naivety and cowardice

of the only woman

i've loved who

loved me

so there

love

jon

x

p.p.s. actually i loved every woman i've ever known and still do, i don't carry a torch more a burning ember of resentment, haha no i meant that as a joke of course lol, oops sorry reallllly fucking tired now but so high on little more than some natural relaxants and sleep deprivation kicking in along with a really warm feeling cos I know I did a lot of good today as it was not hard to see  even if it was a smile here or a
bewildered wtf there my work was done, the medicine man massages to music.

Not much hands on experience today as it wasnt that kind of party

a few touches here and there some deep tissue injuries

slash long painful scars from past relationships

held fast cos to go back there is to relive it

so i removed that from your spine anna

you're so strong then another back

a dj whose scientific bent shall

be left out of this or his name

i blinded him with spirituality

and worked physically or

just managed to use the

back manipulation to

sneak in a poweful

spell of intention

my mental pic

of you healed,

a fervent wish

in the form of

a feeling quite

familiar to me,

my own wish

i was careful

to ensure was

always to do the

right thing, I'm so

professional when

i'm healing, confident

at ease in close proximity

to complete strangers and

then working intimately with

them to release emotional hurt

or work together to find a way

to get them smiling again, i take

the chronic piss of myself and them.

only a little out of them to turn it around

and say that actually you're amazing and

you should be proud of what you've acheived

who you are, not matter. the old ways and means.

have a little bet with yourself, do one thing each month

that scares the shit out of you, in a year you'll be hooked

the pitfalls never seem to land and are there to be fair and true.

you can, and people have died living their life this way and may go on

dying all over the world because they feel their way through life and have

a natural advantage over those who think their way, through no fault of their own.

A bias that is there because we're better than nature, cleverer than her, do we clean up our mess?

Often nature is left to take it's course and she's the great recycler, death, birth, back again, rambling...



point?



no idea...

reason for continuing?



to get what's on my mind out,so i dont have to let it eat me up inside with doubts did i? did they? will they? wont they? hold back. someone said you shudnt do this or that. FUCK THAT, no games or tit for tat.



im going to temper how i feel cos it comes out rather too loving and not enough fucking for these days?



bottom line no pun intended, i'm not intimate with people i haven't gotten to know quite well

but getting to know them quite well means everything happens when it should

not on some pre-prescribed date schedule or magazine article chart

for me i aint sleeping with someone right away you'll have to wait,



not for me to develop a depth of feeling that's already there.



No it's to feel their heart, their passion, their truth.

and in so doing to know if they are worth a shag

sorry damn freaky filthy well hidden male part

expressing itself in dismay at my lovey dovey

sensitive display of get a fucking roomness.

way too romantically uncurable until now.

you see i believed the movies, t.v. shows,

bought into the idea that everything was

so easy and just fell right into your lap

all you had to do was be a jerk, a

bastard cos women love them

i coudlnt do that felt bad

not me except by accident

took me till now to finally get it...  Men are capable of every male archetype,
but have been shown something so childish that i'm 40 going on 20 and 43.

Not 42 is the answer to life the universe and everything.  It's the age when

apparently adult males in this country consider themselves well er Men.

When they've finally stopped chasing yet another younger and tighter

or the fake promise of something they knew as boys was no joke

you can't get a girl to do anything that she doesn't want to.

A girl can get you to do anything that she needs of you.

We put women on a pedestal, princesses they are too.

Under the false illusion that's all they are to keep them,

from having a say, reading us the riot act but way too

often it's the other way around, we let you get away

with murder cos we don't want to risk you taking

our sex life away but more importantly cuddles

we get the cold shoulder when we've pointed

out instances where you could improve but

put it in such a ham fisted way that it hurts

and then you're too stubborn cos it's also

an attack on your withered self esteem

battered by images of self perfection

completely fraudulent and damaging

 to the fact that we all look like shit

when we've just woken up after

yet another week where daily

casual sexism gnaws away.

One negative comment

remembered forever

but a compliment

never accepted

because it's all

about face

value.

The message coming from the person looking at you seems to
bear very little relationship to the person you see in the mirror,

that's your expectation, fear, looking back it's a false picture.

Like sounding surprised when you grow old and others do.

Our whatshisface is nearly 16 where did the time go to?

everyone is aging but trying not to admit it or accept it

we're obsessed with the youth culture because it's us

still childishly hurting one another like school days

where the training ground for competition begins

not compassionate co-operation, coexistence

Nope, team play.  A common goal and very

simple rules for everyone birth to death.

Do as you are told, nothing changes.

No-one shouting from the rooftops.

Until recently so many voices,

chiming in via the internet

and joining together to

create a network of

networks for all

the good and

the bad and

the ugly.



We're all capable of being all of those
but daren't consider ourselves
beautiful unless we're told

we are on the outside

or that's what we

hear when that's

what is meant.

Men trapping women
by their attitudes into

having to cope with

that and extricate

themselves from

those fake ties

that bind us

Nationality

Sexuality

Labels

Race



we're all the same, it wasn't our idea to think anything different, what was there already was passed on.

and on and on, bad alterations and good ones resulting in the wide array of so called lifestyle choices

evolving over time, I should think i'll be slightly more conservative and liberal than my parents were,

given that they were a mix of semi victorian manners and customs coming through the georgian era

mixed up with the 60's and 70's which was a culture shock in that we didn't have to listen to our

mums and dads anymore, elders gradually became and are still being denuded from our lives,

as we strive to deny them, unable or unwilling to unselfishly do the right thing for M and D

We can't possibly look after them at home, we've all got careers and families of our own.

These days the dementia and alzheimers is so bad, most people can't care for their olds.

Of course that is a generalisation, but the rise in cancer numbers, ilnesses in the eldery.

All of the things that put us under pressure, makes us choke, stops us just getting on,

are the very doubts raised by everyone else, or cautionary tales, or horror stories.

Making sure that we think things through, take our time, don't rush in like a fool.

Rather than a word of friendly warning, then reassurance, go for it, let us know.

Let's talk about it, we can discuss anything.  The kids are growing up quicker.

Or at the right pace given freedom, they really are, a good thing as it means,

that soon the population will be adults when they naturally feel ready to be.

Instead of saying that the kids should be seen and not heard, now they're

shouting and screaming and rioting and generally pushing lots of buttons

winding us up with their irrepressible enthusiam and outspoken nature

or to put it another way they express themselves fully, sometimes too

much in the way we have to hear every thought that comes to mind.

I've met incredible young people who are way more mature than I.

They've got infinite voices and outlets for their creativity and many selves.

Able to be all the things they are, happy, sad and everything inbetween,

finally almost everyone has a say, we can all chip in no-one has to

feel like it's all on their shoulders.  If we take our fair dues of the

responsibility for our own actions from cradle to grave and it's

common sense that we could see our part so clearly if only,

we weren't looking for what we're told to see or expect,

or have become used to over the course of our lives,

for everyone to lie about their motives and actions

whilst smiling to your face and then backstabbing

again like children, petty, cruel, can be annoying.

Then again they're just copying their parents.

Standards have fallen and are rising, mostly.

Another pendulum swing from 90's slobs,

to everyone knowing about good food

so much so that truly healthy options

will be available everywhere soon,

most will enjoy the finer things

in moderation and the more

basic necessities aplenty

cos that's the best

thing for us all.

Nothing and

no-one  too

rich or poor

greedy or

needy.

Those setting a good example are too many for their voices to be drowned out anymore.

Fighting a losing battle often leads to one side caving and a lot of face saving treachury.

Don't be surprised if you keep on seeing male role models and the powerful people,

come down several pegs and the disenchanted, disadvantaged are raised up so

we're all on the same playing field under the same rules for all to follow.

What people want is what they give out.  The angry to pick a fight,

the irrepressibly laid back that seem to take it in their stride.



Those who seem to think their own actions will  create,

the very thing they fear worst of all to be exposed.

They're a fraud and a fake, playing at zombies,

letting themselves get dumbed down again



titilated to within an inch of their lives



surfs to the puppet theatre masters

and quick fixes that aren't fixes

just crutches and plasters

to keep maintaining

the old ways, the

oldest habits,

die hardest.

Put em

down

now

eh?

that is the sure fire way to set alight to the crumbling past

so the ashes of our broken dreams can be reformed

and when we're all encouraged to be uniquely us,

we'll defend not attack, we panic, feelings numb

because they're shot to hell with overuse and

 we lose sight or take too much for granted

while we're trying to desperately look

like a swan on the surface whilst

kicking like mad underneath.

Once we're all open about

our kinks and knots

they're healed

from the

inside

out

x

the little things mean more to me, little things like loyalty, to the truth...