Starting Over (Learning Curves)

not born again, I died again.

I killed off the bad old me.

The psychological item. 

The previous version.

Now I'm the new me.

More open, more more.

More accepting, trusting.

Finally relearning the basics.

Working my way up to asking.

Someone out like a fucking retard.

Uh would you like to go out with me?

FUCK THIS IS NOT EASY.  Why didn't I?

Just go out with Katy back in the day, at 12.

Kiss her even though I wasn't ready, didn't feel it.

I loved her very much don't get me wrong but feared.

Getting it wrong, doing it wrong, making a fool of myself.

So I ended up kissing my first kiss when I was twenty instead.

I love my family, my friends and what's more those that move me.

You moved me, push my buttons, you're so cute, so incredibly feminine.

So fresh, so lush, so exciting, able, I don't care about anyone else right now.

That was the old me, it's an interesting journey learning curves all over again.

Starting back from monkdom, martyrdom, solitude, the wilderness of life.

I chose this route, to slowly work from nowhere, to having friends again.

To not looking for love but loving my life and the people that wander in.

Then out again, some stay for longer periods, some become regulars.

Slowly filling in the gaps in my behavioural programming as a kid.

I kept away from social conventions and occasions if I could.

Always behind the scenes in the drama group, prop man.

The butler, the guy whose useful, the right hand man.

Who doesn't get the credit, but always volunteers.

Then regrets it but a promise is a promise so.

I have work to do so I drag my feet on.

My word counts for something yes.

I have principles and standards.

It sets a high bar for others.

Can you live with this?

Then I remember give yourself and others a break, stop taking things so literally.

Tale your time again, slow down, relax into this maelstrom of fucking love.

I want to fuck someone, that I love, I don't want a one night stand.

Unless it was with someone I loved, this is so confusing.

I need intimacy really not craving sex, it's a cuddle.

A never ending cuddle that drifts into sleep.

Kissing, missing you kissing, kissing you.

I don't kiss all that many princesses.

I'm slow at touchy feeliness.

Fuck I'm so new to it.

Hugging is newish.

The last fewish.

Yearsish.

Love

Jon

x

P.S.  i've backed myself into a tiny little corner because of how I feel about opening up again to the opposite sex, I love having friends again, good friends, close friends, best friends, of all persuasions.  I've never discriminated and am so close to my friends who are girls.  Just not used to taking it a step further, or doing anything about the possibility of having something more, something fun, anything other than just friendship.  It's a minefield, and as usual I assumed it was easier than it is,it's difficult!  I don't want to end up as just a friend if there's a mutual attraction there and no reason not to follow it, I need my friends who are girls to know I like them, but that I'm their friend first, always a friends first, that way whatever happens happened.  The friendships still there, no awkwardness, just people able to communicate how they really feel, that's friendship, I'm open to hearing what you really think, of me,of you.  I like to be upfront but im probably overdoing it as I'm used to just letting myself spend years on end going nowhere with no-one, when all I needed to do was just relax, I didn't know how anxious I was until I recently got it all to go away and calmed right down inside my head.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

:D

x