Revulsion at reversion - Version 2.0 - Fucking Dear

Fucking Deer

The Muntjack (?) deer have been barking (chinese barking deer) allnight up until I started writing this.  They've kept me up, plus the heat in the van and the things going through my mind.  Like the fact that I'm judged by other peoples standards.  Which are so low!  You really don't expect much do you?

I mean for fucks sake, my standards are high but my means of getting there justify them too.  In that I'm a dirty little fucker and an angel.  I'm the most badly behaved little goit you ever saw AND someone who can fit in anywhere if I have to.  I am rude, obnoxious and make girls cry yet I'm also sometimes one of the most charming and delightfully polite people you've ever met.

Reason being, I am a human, being, human.  I have access to all of the different behaviours that we possess and I'm not going to sit here like a spare prick at a wedding when I could be up and about fidgeting like fuck and moving around, making use of the time between breaths, getting things done.  OR just being the laziest shit.

I look good in a suit but hate it, and I love wearing next to nothing.

Opposites, extremes, you name it I've done it or thought about it.

Except sex and relationships.  That's a sticky old subject there.

;)  I'm the master of understatement and the sire of severe.

I can be tactful or blurt out what's on everyone's lips.

My bullshit detector is sensitive but I fall for lots.

I'm everywhere and nowhere baby that's,

where I am.  I see your sun is shining.

But I won't make a fuss

Though it's obvious...

So...... what do the lyrics to High Ho Silver Lining Mean and how come I thought it was such a lovely song?

Oh several dark chocolate morrison's own 'sort of' copy of another brand of digestive biscuit, later...

Having made a trip into the house to get them because I was hungry after I burnt the curry.

That I was so looking forward to from last night too, oh well another lesson learned.

So back to tonight, the girl in the garage wouldn't give me any eye contact.

Usually shop assistants love it as they so rarely get any, although.

I think this young woman is after hearing a heated argument the other week when we were working next door.  All our lives are interfered with by others, we try to make a loving relationship, sorry in this world I should say a relationship only, as so few are actually loving.  If they were the people in them wouldn't argue so much they'd discuss things openly.  Couples wouldn't split up just like that because they weren't both on the same page.  They'd have known long before that something was wrong, because they wouldn't put each other at any less of a priority than themselves.  I know and it's been shown that when a man loves a woman, her concerns, her desires, her very health and safety, are more important to him than his own.

Refute! refute! refute!  Come on, try.

You see I'm being judged by your standard and they're shit.  I am never going to fall in love again!

There I've said it before and I've said it again...

Never! Ever!  Oh I've recently had to go through a small learning curve again so I know all about love and being in love and not being in love and loving unconditionally.  You see I haven't written about any of this for fear I would expose whatever it was that I was getting up to,with whoever it was I was getting up to it with and most importantly of all leave the person/s concerned at risk of being identified, vilified and shunned.

So that is why I haven't indentified, vilified and shunned myself except to ensure that I don't go down the wellishly worn paths of my youth, yes, last week.

I am being reborn.  It took me to the depths of despair to get this far mind you.  In the future if there is one, our children will not have to suffer the indignity.  Every single one will be born out of love, no matter how many parents or what the situation.  When we are all functioning at our highest level for the highest good there will be no criminals just naughty boys and girls  learning from the example of naughty men and women.

It's no surprise that there are criminals at all really, we were born to steal and cheat and lie.  It's how we're so good at fitting any niche in the environment.  We hide or seek, we play 'now you're the prey' or tag as you call it, we do all sorts of things when we're learning to be an adult that closely resemble being an adult.

The games we play are merely versions of our behaviour from ages past, changed into niceties for little Johnies birthday party, when we're animal in nature.  We fart and shit and piss and cum and spit...

We're monkeys (ok apes before you get on my case ;) who like to think we're civilised.
Fuck!  We like to think...  Just those four words say it all.  We Like To Think...

Instead of following our instincts and having some say about where they lead us, we follow our cocks around or slap our fannys on the nearest phallus and then wonder why we've no idea what we're doing or why.  Oh well, I'd better fuck like a train or everyone will know I'm rubbish in bed.  That's if I even know the person I'm doing the nasty with.

And here we get to the last bit of my rant slash piss take...

Revulsion at Perversion.

How should we behave?

How we feel like behaving...  NOT how we are told to.

What should we think?

Whatever the fuck we like and say so too.

Within reason.  SO we DO need our brains a little bit from time to time, although even then only to check our moral compass and whether what we are about to do will hurt anyone else, in any way at all.

I'm not going to sleep with someone even if they say they don't mind or would like a one night stand.  If I feel the slightest inkling of a suggestion that you just want me for sex then I'm outta there and your name will be painted black as a mark of your indiscretion.  If you're not healthy, if you're not happy, or unhappy but at least truthful about  it and let me know what you're going through, why would I want to make you feel better?

Sure, there is a possibility that you might convince me that words need not be said, things not mentioned.

I might actually believe the words that leave your mouth when the word of most wouldn't cash a cheque.

We could spend one night together that both of us would never forget even into alzheimers and regrets.

I would only be interested if I loved you from the minute we met, but then that is how I roll these days.

To fall in love, the way it's described and fated, to listen to the greetings cards and all the romcoms.

How could I stand to be with someone who thought I completed them?  Not made them more?

You see to have this notion, spread from the fantasies of people who would tie you down,

is to live a lie, I have my own hard won battle with the sexes, it's called not giving a shit.

It's not giving as much shit as you get, telling it like it is and having a fuckfest after.

It's about being honest from the start, saying I love you because you mean it.

Not waiting until there's nothing else left to say because you're trapped.

In a prison of your own making and don't get me wrong at all here.

My folks were childhood fuckhearts who love each other still.

They got together then I was coming along so they wed.

Forty years later here I am, the product of some time.

Spent loving idiots I could never live with or worse.

Loving no-one not even myself and feeling dead.

To the world, to the love that lies within me.

Now alive and well and spreading.

From my heart to yours.

My love to you.

Always.

Love
Jon
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Oh I never got to Version 2.0 except touching on the fact that I am being reborn or perversion.

Well the perversion is the fact that love seems so remote, so impossible in this world, 'they loved each other but couldn't make it work'... I never want to hear those words again.  They loved each other but their time was up, say that, speak of love that lasts a lifetime whether your together or apart, cos that's the way I feel about the people I love, but that's everyone in the world.  Don't get stuck in the sex trap either.  It's fun to have fun I get that, but sex is for making babies first, so sometimes it's good to fuck people you wouldn't mind having more than a passing interest in.  In fact it's good to do that all the time,or at least make sure their not going to treat you like shit or never call you back but how do you know?

You know by knowing them first, that doesn't have to take all day or as long as you think.

I can know someone quite well, although they deny what I see all the time, hiding while I seek.

Unable to contest their place in my heart in public, only being themselves for a little, while with me.

Once you are seeing and touching with your heart, tasting, hearing, smelling & feeling with your heart.

Well then you can't go too far wrong, unless you get hornswoggled by a very good actress, a femme fatale.

Or a coward, someone unable to be anything but the pretence you so narrowly avoided being yourself.

I've been all the bad things I find in other people, I've done most of the things or thought about them

I find perversion to be like everything, a version of the real thing, not only under par it's a bogey.

Something hand picked to give you the impression that it's more than it is, shinier, newer.

Those fakes can all join hands and sing we are the world, but there's no-one listening.

The pervs are chasing a higher orgasm, the perfect cum, getting more extreme.

When what they are missing is connection between them and someone.

They deny the truth of the cum within them that would make it right.

To be with someone, even a stranger, in the right way,with love.

Call it fucking loving or loving fucking if you like, that's cool.

At least make sure you want them to cum harder than you.

Not caring about your limitations because there are none.

The sky is the limit when you make love to someone.

When you spend the time it takes to know them.

This world is full of versions of the original stories,dramas,plays,acts on stage, games, t.v. films, keep going.

List one thing here that isn't a poor substitute for doing what you want for real, which is where perverts go.

They go right up the flagpole and salute anyone or anything that can bring them their cup final ecstasy...

All they care about is themselves, or pleasing another for their own excitation, gratification and cum.

I am reborn, I am the person I was all those years ago when I was called Cherry Orchard not Jon.

I have been through the ordeal I should have undertaken when I was approaching manhood.

My mind is now a tool and my tool is still not my mind, I don't think with merely that.

I know you're scared, I'm a little nervous, but as I grow you shall too, all of you.

Not just meaning this about sex, perversion is in your genes, your jeans.

It's running through you like a stick of rock, telling you bad is good.

When you are split in two down the middle and through the heart.

There's nothing left but a husk, but at least it's visible and raw.

What is left is what I need, what I have is that indeed.

An open book, turning over a new leaf.

Learning how not to be like you.

Teaching you relief.

Healing you.

And me.

Too

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