The meaning of this sentence is simple, it just says that you are the ends, now justify your meanings.
We all place and put meaning on things in our lives, and we all do this in a superficial and superstitious manner too. Ascribing meaning to events, calling things a sign of those to come, guessing or more accurately, fore-casting the weather. Casting fore- wards to ascertain what the weather will do. The weather, an entity in itself, seen as almost having human qualities, the wind on my kite string could sing like any other and such a mournful and then angelic and uplifting piece of harmonic convergence 200 metres up.
There are signs, there are meanings, but you have to look for them not comment on them.
You can't put the meaning into things it has to be there for you to find.
Otherwise you're just spoonfeeding yourself your own bullshit.
Which is what happens when you like the sound of your own voice a little too much.
Don't get me wrong, I'm guilty of everything I've ever accused anyone else of.
Listen don't hear, listen for anything not something, what's out there?
Go slower, breath slower, feel slower,take your time and hey!
How come I'm always early not late when I go slow?
Why can I feel everything from tip to toe?
It's all opening up inside like a cave.
Works of art and phraseology.
And utter gibberish, meh.
Them's the breaks.
Hide, no show,
the mistakes.
Don't be,
so rash.
Love
Jon
x
haha love rash
I'm detecting more and more meaning and not from my thoughts, but from an honest acceptance that I know nothing. I know nothing to say for certain, I can't prove anything,all I can say is what I think I see, hear, taste touch and yet what I feel seems different somehow. Stronger like there's more information coming from the heart, from what I feel about something upcoming, I know if I have a good feeling or a bad feeling. It works, the number of times I've saved myself hours in a traffic jam or somesuch. We can all, and do all have the ability to do something and lots of little somethings makes a big something else, wonderful I know because most of the people want to create lovely things for other people to have the pleasure of enjoying. It's what we're really good at, being good at what we're good at, and sharing it with others and sharing what their really good at. Oh dear, record slowing down mehhhhh tired harrrdddd fucking weeeekkkk out in the sun........................................... love x
Friday, 28 June 2013
Thursday, 27 June 2013
Starting Over (Learning Curves)
not born again, I died again.
I killed off the bad old me.
The psychological item.
The previous version.
Now I'm the new me.
More open, more more.
More accepting, trusting.
Finally relearning the basics.
Working my way up to asking.
Someone out like a fucking retard.
Uh would you like to go out with me?
FUCK THIS IS NOT EASY. Why didn't I?
Just go out with Katy back in the day, at 12.
Kiss her even though I wasn't ready, didn't feel it.
I loved her very much don't get me wrong but feared.
Getting it wrong, doing it wrong, making a fool of myself.
So I ended up kissing my first kiss when I was twenty instead.
I love my family, my friends and what's more those that move me.
You moved me, push my buttons, you're so cute, so incredibly feminine.
So fresh, so lush, so exciting, able, I don't care about anyone else right now.
That was the old me, it's an interesting journey learning curves all over again.
Starting back from monkdom, martyrdom, solitude, the wilderness of life.
I chose this route, to slowly work from nowhere, to having friends again.
To not looking for love but loving my life and the people that wander in.
Then out again, some stay for longer periods, some become regulars.
Slowly filling in the gaps in my behavioural programming as a kid.
I kept away from social conventions and occasions if I could.
Always behind the scenes in the drama group, prop man.
The butler, the guy whose useful, the right hand man.
Who doesn't get the credit, but always volunteers.
Then regrets it but a promise is a promise so.
I have work to do so I drag my feet on.
My word counts for something yes.
I have principles and standards.
It sets a high bar for others.
Can you live with this?
Then I remember give yourself and others a break, stop taking things so literally.
Tale your time again, slow down, relax into this maelstrom of fucking love.
I want to fuck someone, that I love, I don't want a one night stand.
Unless it was with someone I loved, this is so confusing.
I need intimacy really not craving sex, it's a cuddle.
A never ending cuddle that drifts into sleep.
Kissing, missing you kissing, kissing you.
I don't kiss all that many princesses.
I'm slow at touchy feeliness.
Fuck I'm so new to it.
Hugging is newish.
The last fewish.
Yearsish.
Love
Jon
x
P.S. i've backed myself into a tiny little corner because of how I feel about opening up again to the opposite sex, I love having friends again, good friends, close friends, best friends, of all persuasions. I've never discriminated and am so close to my friends who are girls. Just not used to taking it a step further, or doing anything about the possibility of having something more, something fun, anything other than just friendship. It's a minefield, and as usual I assumed it was easier than it is,it's difficult! I don't want to end up as just a friend if there's a mutual attraction there and no reason not to follow it, I need my friends who are girls to know I like them, but that I'm their friend first, always a friends first, that way whatever happens happened. The friendships still there, no awkwardness, just people able to communicate how they really feel, that's friendship, I'm open to hearing what you really think, of me,of you. I like to be upfront but im probably overdoing it as I'm used to just letting myself spend years on end going nowhere with no-one, when all I needed to do was just relax, I didn't know how anxious I was until I recently got it all to go away and calmed right down inside my head.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
:D
x
I killed off the bad old me.
The psychological item.
The previous version.
Now I'm the new me.
More open, more more.
More accepting, trusting.
Finally relearning the basics.
Working my way up to asking.
Someone out like a fucking retard.
Uh would you like to go out with me?
FUCK THIS IS NOT EASY. Why didn't I?
Just go out with Katy back in the day, at 12.
Kiss her even though I wasn't ready, didn't feel it.
I loved her very much don't get me wrong but feared.
Getting it wrong, doing it wrong, making a fool of myself.
So I ended up kissing my first kiss when I was twenty instead.
I love my family, my friends and what's more those that move me.
You moved me, push my buttons, you're so cute, so incredibly feminine.
So fresh, so lush, so exciting, able, I don't care about anyone else right now.
That was the old me, it's an interesting journey learning curves all over again.
Starting back from monkdom, martyrdom, solitude, the wilderness of life.
I chose this route, to slowly work from nowhere, to having friends again.
To not looking for love but loving my life and the people that wander in.
Then out again, some stay for longer periods, some become regulars.
Slowly filling in the gaps in my behavioural programming as a kid.
I kept away from social conventions and occasions if I could.
Always behind the scenes in the drama group, prop man.
The butler, the guy whose useful, the right hand man.
Who doesn't get the credit, but always volunteers.
Then regrets it but a promise is a promise so.
I have work to do so I drag my feet on.
My word counts for something yes.
I have principles and standards.
It sets a high bar for others.
Can you live with this?
Then I remember give yourself and others a break, stop taking things so literally.
Tale your time again, slow down, relax into this maelstrom of fucking love.
I want to fuck someone, that I love, I don't want a one night stand.
Unless it was with someone I loved, this is so confusing.
I need intimacy really not craving sex, it's a cuddle.
A never ending cuddle that drifts into sleep.
Kissing, missing you kissing, kissing you.
I don't kiss all that many princesses.
I'm slow at touchy feeliness.
Fuck I'm so new to it.
Hugging is newish.
The last fewish.
Yearsish.
Love
Jon
x
P.S. i've backed myself into a tiny little corner because of how I feel about opening up again to the opposite sex, I love having friends again, good friends, close friends, best friends, of all persuasions. I've never discriminated and am so close to my friends who are girls. Just not used to taking it a step further, or doing anything about the possibility of having something more, something fun, anything other than just friendship. It's a minefield, and as usual I assumed it was easier than it is,it's difficult! I don't want to end up as just a friend if there's a mutual attraction there and no reason not to follow it, I need my friends who are girls to know I like them, but that I'm their friend first, always a friends first, that way whatever happens happened. The friendships still there, no awkwardness, just people able to communicate how they really feel, that's friendship, I'm open to hearing what you really think, of me,of you. I like to be upfront but im probably overdoing it as I'm used to just letting myself spend years on end going nowhere with no-one, when all I needed to do was just relax, I didn't know how anxious I was until I recently got it all to go away and calmed right down inside my head.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
:D
x
Saturday, 22 June 2013
idiot genius
i got grade d at maths three times, DDD, well, always known what a massive tit i am but erm...
give love = receive love
seems simple to me
Idiot in public =
Genius in private
i love my idiotic friends so much
i have so many tears of joy
bubblin and so it makes
it hard for me to see
you without burstin
wide pride for you
not me and then
breaking down
cos this is the
best ive ever
been felt
or seen
you all
love
you
all
x
give love = receive love
seems simple to me
Idiot in public =
Genius in private
i love my idiotic friends so much
i have so many tears of joy
bubblin and so it makes
it hard for me to see
you without burstin
wide pride for you
not me and then
breaking down
cos this is the
best ive ever
been felt
or seen
you all
love
you
all
x
Monday, 17 June 2013
They're not sheep or asleep I wouldn't go that far, no, THEY'RE DEAD... (picture imperfect) - Formality over function - I'm a wolf in sheeps clothing
the picture of the jigsaw of the world is all wrong, the pieces are thus mishapen to fit together awkwardly. The people who decide our vision for what the finished puzzle should look like don't have our best interests at heart although some do in their head. It gets lost in translation a lot because we made the instructions for it in so many languages, only now are they being understood by everyone, rewritten in the language of love.
Life lived unashamedly real, there are no sheep except the ones who go baa, no-one asleep except the dreamers, no! You see I now understand the Rapture and the end of the bible... The dead shall walk, and they indeed do, for those who are not living life are indeed the living dead. And have not they arisen in the last years as more and more of us gave way to the pressure to conform to societies call for workers not creators?
I make things with words or i help make things and people well again or i work hard to help others achieve their goals. That's my role. What's yours? Actually anyone who hasn't cottoned on yet, anyone who will listen or will be infected by this message, by this truth, the way and the light, watch out cos it's a coming. You don't see a lot of problems in the truly secular societies where anyone can believe anything they like as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else, do you? Where are they?
Sounds a bit biblical and I denied and ignored christianity for my whole life cos I was given the choice to believe what I liked... So I still do and when I finally realised that I knew nothing and accepted that, I began to have access to anything and everything. I've been offered ultimate power and refused it on the grounds that I don't deserve it, or couldn't handle it, or don't trust myself to use it wisely and so I will keep being given more and more as I learn to do just that...
-
Up to you fucknuts!
You can learn from my mistakes, or keep on making bigger and bigger ones of your own.
Ask me you never know, and if I don't know, learning from you will mean I do from then on.
-
Dad (for fathers day written today i'll get him a present when i can)...
I'm better than you in every respect.
Precisely because I don't care if I am.
Wiser and older than you young man.
Younger and more naive old chap.
Stronger and more vulnerable yes.
More open and more closed off.
Wider in scope and imagination.
In your heart if not in your words.
Always the sum of your parts... ;)
And a little greater cos of 'em
-
Formality over function
the form you take is a function of what you think, what you believe, what you've been told if you believed it.
Girls and boys with bad self esteem, don't have any of their own and require others to tell them constantly.
Am I looking beautiful? I haven't heard this in a long time.
It's a shame, but then you obviously don't feel it.
Or have taken onboard the fake society.
Just a pawn to people who think looks make a difference to anything.
Looks are just the skin on the rice pudding, without it the pudding doesn't please the eye aswell.
The eyes only see however, what the heart and mind tells them to.
I prefer not to tell them anything at all.
Now I see what is there,
not what i thought.
They thought.
You think.
We see.
Love
Jon
x
P.S. Stop hearing what you expect or want to hear and listen to what is being said instead...
P.P.S. I may be fake or true, s'up to you, I'm a wolf in sheeps clothing though, so don't worry me...
F.F.S. I'm more innocent than you know and more experienced than you'll ever be, so don't try and pass off desperation or lust as anything other than that which they are, don't try to make me feel guilty for pointing that out or making it quite clear that love is all i need.
Life lived unashamedly real, there are no sheep except the ones who go baa, no-one asleep except the dreamers, no! You see I now understand the Rapture and the end of the bible... The dead shall walk, and they indeed do, for those who are not living life are indeed the living dead. And have not they arisen in the last years as more and more of us gave way to the pressure to conform to societies call for workers not creators?
I make things with words or i help make things and people well again or i work hard to help others achieve their goals. That's my role. What's yours? Actually anyone who hasn't cottoned on yet, anyone who will listen or will be infected by this message, by this truth, the way and the light, watch out cos it's a coming. You don't see a lot of problems in the truly secular societies where anyone can believe anything they like as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else, do you? Where are they?
Sounds a bit biblical and I denied and ignored christianity for my whole life cos I was given the choice to believe what I liked... So I still do and when I finally realised that I knew nothing and accepted that, I began to have access to anything and everything. I've been offered ultimate power and refused it on the grounds that I don't deserve it, or couldn't handle it, or don't trust myself to use it wisely and so I will keep being given more and more as I learn to do just that...
-
Up to you fucknuts!
You can learn from my mistakes, or keep on making bigger and bigger ones of your own.
Ask me you never know, and if I don't know, learning from you will mean I do from then on.
-
Dad (for fathers day written today i'll get him a present when i can)...
I'm better than you in every respect.
Precisely because I don't care if I am.
Wiser and older than you young man.
Younger and more naive old chap.
Stronger and more vulnerable yes.
More open and more closed off.
Wider in scope and imagination.
In your heart if not in your words.
Always the sum of your parts... ;)
And a little greater cos of 'em
-
Formality over function
the form you take is a function of what you think, what you believe, what you've been told if you believed it.
Girls and boys with bad self esteem, don't have any of their own and require others to tell them constantly.
Am I looking beautiful? I haven't heard this in a long time.
It's a shame, but then you obviously don't feel it.
Or have taken onboard the fake society.
Just a pawn to people who think looks make a difference to anything.
Looks are just the skin on the rice pudding, without it the pudding doesn't please the eye aswell.
The eyes only see however, what the heart and mind tells them to.
I prefer not to tell them anything at all.
Now I see what is there,
not what i thought.
They thought.
You think.
We see.
Love
Jon
x
P.S. Stop hearing what you expect or want to hear and listen to what is being said instead...
P.P.S. I may be fake or true, s'up to you, I'm a wolf in sheeps clothing though, so don't worry me...
F.F.S. I'm more innocent than you know and more experienced than you'll ever be, so don't try and pass off desperation or lust as anything other than that which they are, don't try to make me feel guilty for pointing that out or making it quite clear that love is all i need.
Friday, 14 June 2013
i sat with you a million miles away...
I sat with you now,cross legged, hands on knees,palms up, feeling relaxed and breathing long slow and deep until I feel a light tingling across the entirety of the skin of my hands, but much more pronounced is the energy I can feel pooling in my palms. My hands feel energised as do I as if I am lighter and completely pain free, serene and focussed in a very relaxed way, in the zone.
My thoughts go to my friends and family and people I've met and strangers I saw that I sent my love to today and people I love a little more than I like to admit,
but there's nothing wrong with it.
Making me smile and feel warm.
Taking my time
but finding courage.
Feel it as our hands near touching, outstretched
between us, then
both hands, surfing over the energy of our hearts and minds, causing them to hover and our
bodies
become energised and light and full of sweet pure truth. Called love.
Feels good, and as I feel you in my heart and think of the ones who are hurting in the world and beyond, sending out the love i receive coming back to my heart, that I sent out in droves from the crimson palace of my very soul, on an island with a wishing tree at the centre, under whose softly waving branches I sit, asking only for those things that would make all others' dreams come true, for one can wish for anything you like, but it's only when you wish for someone else, that they come true ;)
Sitting with you, a million miles away...
Love
Jon
x
My thoughts go to my friends and family and people I've met and strangers I saw that I sent my love to today and people I love a little more than I like to admit,
but there's nothing wrong with it.
Making me smile and feel warm.
Taking my time
but finding courage.
Feel it as our hands near touching, outstretched
between us, then
both hands, surfing over the energy of our hearts and minds, causing them to hover and our
bodies
become energised and light and full of sweet pure truth. Called love.
Feels good, and as I feel you in my heart and think of the ones who are hurting in the world and beyond, sending out the love i receive coming back to my heart, that I sent out in droves from the crimson palace of my very soul, on an island with a wishing tree at the centre, under whose softly waving branches I sit, asking only for those things that would make all others' dreams come true, for one can wish for anything you like, but it's only when you wish for someone else, that they come true ;)
Sitting with you, a million miles away...
Love
Jon
x
Thursday, 13 June 2013
Tense Past
Having trouble writing, lots of inspirations coming into my head but if I don't make a note right away they're gone, and then sometimes they come back. When typing I keep finding the letters of the worse are in the wrong order, like my fingers cant keep up or they're not connected in quite the same way as they were.
The tense of something gets lost from my heart, to my mind, to my fingers to my words...
It's like the past, present and future are colliding and colluding, I wrote colluding accidentally, or freudianly.
A freudian slip as you might say, I bet he would be mortified to find out that the main thing we remember of his research into psychological matter/s is a cameo on bill & ted's excellent adventure and slips of the tongue revealing a hidden truth or just some random bollocks that was crossing your mind and got struck by a vehicle called a thought.
If all those time periods WERE on a collision course, what would life look like?
It would seem to be a dream, that we could traverse like angels.
Appearing as in a vision to the participants,
an immortal being, a nymph, a fairy.
To us they would cease moving,
time merely like a record.
To skip, to play.
To pause.
Love
Jon
x
The tense of something gets lost from my heart, to my mind, to my fingers to my words...
It's like the past, present and future are colliding and colluding, I wrote colluding accidentally, or freudianly.
A freudian slip as you might say, I bet he would be mortified to find out that the main thing we remember of his research into psychological matter/s is a cameo on bill & ted's excellent adventure and slips of the tongue revealing a hidden truth or just some random bollocks that was crossing your mind and got struck by a vehicle called a thought.
If all those time periods WERE on a collision course, what would life look like?
It would seem to be a dream, that we could traverse like angels.
Appearing as in a vision to the participants,
an immortal being, a nymph, a fairy.
To us they would cease moving,
time merely like a record.
To skip, to play.
To pause.
Love
Jon
x
Wednesday, 5 June 2013
Revulsion at reversion - Version 2.0 - Fucking Dear
Fucking Deer
The Muntjack (?) deer have been barking (chinese barking deer) allnight up until I started writing this. They've kept me up, plus the heat in the van and the things going through my mind. Like the fact that I'm judged by other peoples standards. Which are so low! You really don't expect much do you?
I mean for fucks sake, my standards are high but my means of getting there justify them too. In that I'm a dirty little fucker and an angel. I'm the most badly behaved little goit you ever saw AND someone who can fit in anywhere if I have to. I am rude, obnoxious and make girls cry yet I'm also sometimes one of the most charming and delightfully polite people you've ever met.
Reason being, I am a human, being, human. I have access to all of the different behaviours that we possess and I'm not going to sit here like a spare prick at a wedding when I could be up and about fidgeting like fuck and moving around, making use of the time between breaths, getting things done. OR just being the laziest shit.
I look good in a suit but hate it, and I love wearing next to nothing.
Opposites, extremes, you name it I've done it or thought about it.
Except sex and relationships. That's a sticky old subject there.
;) I'm the master of understatement and the sire of severe.
I can be tactful or blurt out what's on everyone's lips.
My bullshit detector is sensitive but I fall for lots.
I'm everywhere and nowhere baby that's,
where I am. I see your sun is shining.
But I won't make a fuss
Though it's obvious...
So...... what do the lyrics to High Ho Silver Lining Mean and how come I thought it was such a lovely song?
Oh several dark chocolate morrison's own 'sort of' copy of another brand of digestive biscuit, later...
Having made a trip into the house to get them because I was hungry after I burnt the curry.
That I was so looking forward to from last night too, oh well another lesson learned.
So back to tonight, the girl in the garage wouldn't give me any eye contact.
Usually shop assistants love it as they so rarely get any, although.
I think this young woman is after hearing a heated argument the other week when we were working next door. All our lives are interfered with by others, we try to make a loving relationship, sorry in this world I should say a relationship only, as so few are actually loving. If they were the people in them wouldn't argue so much they'd discuss things openly. Couples wouldn't split up just like that because they weren't both on the same page. They'd have known long before that something was wrong, because they wouldn't put each other at any less of a priority than themselves. I know and it's been shown that when a man loves a woman, her concerns, her desires, her very health and safety, are more important to him than his own.
Refute! refute! refute! Come on, try.
You see I'm being judged by your standard and they're shit. I am never going to fall in love again!
There I've said it before and I've said it again...
Never! Ever! Oh I've recently had to go through a small learning curve again so I know all about love and being in love and not being in love and loving unconditionally. You see I haven't written about any of this for fear I would expose whatever it was that I was getting up to,with whoever it was I was getting up to it with and most importantly of all leave the person/s concerned at risk of being identified, vilified and shunned.
So that is why I haven't indentified, vilified and shunned myself except to ensure that I don't go down the wellishly worn paths of my youth, yes, last week.
I am being reborn. It took me to the depths of despair to get this far mind you. In the future if there is one, our children will not have to suffer the indignity. Every single one will be born out of love, no matter how many parents or what the situation. When we are all functioning at our highest level for the highest good there will be no criminals just naughty boys and girls learning from the example of naughty men and women.
It's no surprise that there are criminals at all really, we were born to steal and cheat and lie. It's how we're so good at fitting any niche in the environment. We hide or seek, we play 'now you're the prey' or tag as you call it, we do all sorts of things when we're learning to be an adult that closely resemble being an adult.
The games we play are merely versions of our behaviour from ages past, changed into niceties for little Johnies birthday party, when we're animal in nature. We fart and shit and piss and cum and spit...
We're monkeys (ok apes before you get on my case ;) who like to think we're civilised.
Fuck! We like to think... Just those four words say it all. We Like To Think...
Instead of following our instincts and having some say about where they lead us, we follow our cocks around or slap our fannys on the nearest phallus and then wonder why we've no idea what we're doing or why. Oh well, I'd better fuck like a train or everyone will know I'm rubbish in bed. That's if I even know the person I'm doing the nasty with.
And here we get to the last bit of my rant slash piss take...
Revulsion at Perversion.
How should we behave?
How we feel like behaving... NOT how we are told to.
What should we think?
Whatever the fuck we like and say so too.
Within reason. SO we DO need our brains a little bit from time to time, although even then only to check our moral compass and whether what we are about to do will hurt anyone else, in any way at all.
I'm not going to sleep with someone even if they say they don't mind or would like a one night stand. If I feel the slightest inkling of a suggestion that you just want me for sex then I'm outta there and your name will be painted black as a mark of your indiscretion. If you're not healthy, if you're not happy, or unhappy but at least truthful about it and let me know what you're going through, why would I want to make you feel better?
Sure, there is a possibility that you might convince me that words need not be said, things not mentioned.
I might actually believe the words that leave your mouth when the word of most wouldn't cash a cheque.
We could spend one night together that both of us would never forget even into alzheimers and regrets.
I would only be interested if I loved you from the minute we met, but then that is how I roll these days.
To fall in love, the way it's described and fated, to listen to the greetings cards and all the romcoms.
How could I stand to be with someone who thought I completed them? Not made them more?
You see to have this notion, spread from the fantasies of people who would tie you down,
is to live a lie, I have my own hard won battle with the sexes, it's called not giving a shit.
It's not giving as much shit as you get, telling it like it is and having a fuckfest after.
It's about being honest from the start, saying I love you because you mean it.
Not waiting until there's nothing else left to say because you're trapped.
In a prison of your own making and don't get me wrong at all here.
My folks were childhood fuckhearts who love each other still.
They got together then I was coming along so they wed.
Forty years later here I am, the product of some time.
Spent loving idiots I could never live with or worse.
Loving no-one not even myself and feeling dead.
To the world, to the love that lies within me.
Now alive and well and spreading.
From my heart to yours.
My love to you.
Always.
Love
Jon
x
Oh I never got to Version 2.0 except touching on the fact that I am being reborn or perversion.
Well the perversion is the fact that love seems so remote, so impossible in this world, 'they loved each other but couldn't make it work'... I never want to hear those words again. They loved each other but their time was up, say that, speak of love that lasts a lifetime whether your together or apart, cos that's the way I feel about the people I love, but that's everyone in the world. Don't get stuck in the sex trap either. It's fun to have fun I get that, but sex is for making babies first, so sometimes it's good to fuck people you wouldn't mind having more than a passing interest in. In fact it's good to do that all the time,or at least make sure their not going to treat you like shit or never call you back but how do you know?
You know by knowing them first, that doesn't have to take all day or as long as you think.
I can know someone quite well, although they deny what I see all the time, hiding while I seek.
Unable to contest their place in my heart in public, only being themselves for a little, while with me.
Once you are seeing and touching with your heart, tasting, hearing, smelling & feeling with your heart.
Well then you can't go too far wrong, unless you get hornswoggled by a very good actress, a femme fatale.
Or a coward, someone unable to be anything but the pretence you so narrowly avoided being yourself.
I've been all the bad things I find in other people, I've done most of the things or thought about them
I find perversion to be like everything, a version of the real thing, not only under par it's a bogey.
Something hand picked to give you the impression that it's more than it is, shinier, newer.
Those fakes can all join hands and sing we are the world, but there's no-one listening.
The pervs are chasing a higher orgasm, the perfect cum, getting more extreme.
When what they are missing is connection between them and someone.
They deny the truth of the cum within them that would make it right.
To be with someone, even a stranger, in the right way,with love.
Call it fucking loving or loving fucking if you like, that's cool.
At least make sure you want them to cum harder than you.
Not caring about your limitations because there are none.
The sky is the limit when you make love to someone.
When you spend the time it takes to know them.
This world is full of versions of the original stories,dramas,plays,acts on stage, games, t.v. films, keep going.
List one thing here that isn't a poor substitute for doing what you want for real, which is where perverts go.
They go right up the flagpole and salute anyone or anything that can bring them their cup final ecstasy...
All they care about is themselves, or pleasing another for their own excitation, gratification and cum.
I am reborn, I am the person I was all those years ago when I was called Cherry Orchard not Jon.
I have been through the ordeal I should have undertaken when I was approaching manhood.
My mind is now a tool and my tool is still not my mind, I don't think with merely that.
I know you're scared, I'm a little nervous, but as I grow you shall too, all of you.
Not just meaning this about sex, perversion is in your genes, your jeans.
It's running through you like a stick of rock, telling you bad is good.
When you are split in two down the middle and through the heart.
There's nothing left but a husk, but at least it's visible and raw.
What is left is what I need, what I have is that indeed.
An open book, turning over a new leaf.
Learning how not to be like you.
Teaching you relief.
Healing you.
And me.
Too
x
The Muntjack (?) deer have been barking (chinese barking deer) allnight up until I started writing this. They've kept me up, plus the heat in the van and the things going through my mind. Like the fact that I'm judged by other peoples standards. Which are so low! You really don't expect much do you?
I mean for fucks sake, my standards are high but my means of getting there justify them too. In that I'm a dirty little fucker and an angel. I'm the most badly behaved little goit you ever saw AND someone who can fit in anywhere if I have to. I am rude, obnoxious and make girls cry yet I'm also sometimes one of the most charming and delightfully polite people you've ever met.
Reason being, I am a human, being, human. I have access to all of the different behaviours that we possess and I'm not going to sit here like a spare prick at a wedding when I could be up and about fidgeting like fuck and moving around, making use of the time between breaths, getting things done. OR just being the laziest shit.
I look good in a suit but hate it, and I love wearing next to nothing.
Opposites, extremes, you name it I've done it or thought about it.
Except sex and relationships. That's a sticky old subject there.
;) I'm the master of understatement and the sire of severe.
I can be tactful or blurt out what's on everyone's lips.
My bullshit detector is sensitive but I fall for lots.
I'm everywhere and nowhere baby that's,
where I am. I see your sun is shining.
But I won't make a fuss
Though it's obvious...
So...... what do the lyrics to High Ho Silver Lining Mean and how come I thought it was such a lovely song?
Oh several dark chocolate morrison's own 'sort of' copy of another brand of digestive biscuit, later...
Having made a trip into the house to get them because I was hungry after I burnt the curry.
That I was so looking forward to from last night too, oh well another lesson learned.
So back to tonight, the girl in the garage wouldn't give me any eye contact.
Usually shop assistants love it as they so rarely get any, although.
I think this young woman is after hearing a heated argument the other week when we were working next door. All our lives are interfered with by others, we try to make a loving relationship, sorry in this world I should say a relationship only, as so few are actually loving. If they were the people in them wouldn't argue so much they'd discuss things openly. Couples wouldn't split up just like that because they weren't both on the same page. They'd have known long before that something was wrong, because they wouldn't put each other at any less of a priority than themselves. I know and it's been shown that when a man loves a woman, her concerns, her desires, her very health and safety, are more important to him than his own.
Refute! refute! refute! Come on, try.
You see I'm being judged by your standard and they're shit. I am never going to fall in love again!
There I've said it before and I've said it again...
Never! Ever! Oh I've recently had to go through a small learning curve again so I know all about love and being in love and not being in love and loving unconditionally. You see I haven't written about any of this for fear I would expose whatever it was that I was getting up to,with whoever it was I was getting up to it with and most importantly of all leave the person/s concerned at risk of being identified, vilified and shunned.
So that is why I haven't indentified, vilified and shunned myself except to ensure that I don't go down the wellishly worn paths of my youth, yes, last week.
I am being reborn. It took me to the depths of despair to get this far mind you. In the future if there is one, our children will not have to suffer the indignity. Every single one will be born out of love, no matter how many parents or what the situation. When we are all functioning at our highest level for the highest good there will be no criminals just naughty boys and girls learning from the example of naughty men and women.
It's no surprise that there are criminals at all really, we were born to steal and cheat and lie. It's how we're so good at fitting any niche in the environment. We hide or seek, we play 'now you're the prey' or tag as you call it, we do all sorts of things when we're learning to be an adult that closely resemble being an adult.
The games we play are merely versions of our behaviour from ages past, changed into niceties for little Johnies birthday party, when we're animal in nature. We fart and shit and piss and cum and spit...
We're monkeys (ok apes before you get on my case ;) who like to think we're civilised.
Fuck! We like to think... Just those four words say it all. We Like To Think...
Instead of following our instincts and having some say about where they lead us, we follow our cocks around or slap our fannys on the nearest phallus and then wonder why we've no idea what we're doing or why. Oh well, I'd better fuck like a train or everyone will know I'm rubbish in bed. That's if I even know the person I'm doing the nasty with.
And here we get to the last bit of my rant slash piss take...
Revulsion at Perversion.
How should we behave?
How we feel like behaving... NOT how we are told to.
What should we think?
Whatever the fuck we like and say so too.
Within reason. SO we DO need our brains a little bit from time to time, although even then only to check our moral compass and whether what we are about to do will hurt anyone else, in any way at all.
I'm not going to sleep with someone even if they say they don't mind or would like a one night stand. If I feel the slightest inkling of a suggestion that you just want me for sex then I'm outta there and your name will be painted black as a mark of your indiscretion. If you're not healthy, if you're not happy, or unhappy but at least truthful about it and let me know what you're going through, why would I want to make you feel better?
Sure, there is a possibility that you might convince me that words need not be said, things not mentioned.
I might actually believe the words that leave your mouth when the word of most wouldn't cash a cheque.
We could spend one night together that both of us would never forget even into alzheimers and regrets.
I would only be interested if I loved you from the minute we met, but then that is how I roll these days.
To fall in love, the way it's described and fated, to listen to the greetings cards and all the romcoms.
How could I stand to be with someone who thought I completed them? Not made them more?
You see to have this notion, spread from the fantasies of people who would tie you down,
is to live a lie, I have my own hard won battle with the sexes, it's called not giving a shit.
It's not giving as much shit as you get, telling it like it is and having a fuckfest after.
It's about being honest from the start, saying I love you because you mean it.
Not waiting until there's nothing else left to say because you're trapped.
In a prison of your own making and don't get me wrong at all here.
My folks were childhood fuckhearts who love each other still.
They got together then I was coming along so they wed.
Forty years later here I am, the product of some time.
Spent loving idiots I could never live with or worse.
Loving no-one not even myself and feeling dead.
To the world, to the love that lies within me.
Now alive and well and spreading.
From my heart to yours.
My love to you.
Always.
Love
Jon
x
Oh I never got to Version 2.0 except touching on the fact that I am being reborn or perversion.
Well the perversion is the fact that love seems so remote, so impossible in this world, 'they loved each other but couldn't make it work'... I never want to hear those words again. They loved each other but their time was up, say that, speak of love that lasts a lifetime whether your together or apart, cos that's the way I feel about the people I love, but that's everyone in the world. Don't get stuck in the sex trap either. It's fun to have fun I get that, but sex is for making babies first, so sometimes it's good to fuck people you wouldn't mind having more than a passing interest in. In fact it's good to do that all the time,or at least make sure their not going to treat you like shit or never call you back but how do you know?
You know by knowing them first, that doesn't have to take all day or as long as you think.
I can know someone quite well, although they deny what I see all the time, hiding while I seek.
Unable to contest their place in my heart in public, only being themselves for a little, while with me.
Once you are seeing and touching with your heart, tasting, hearing, smelling & feeling with your heart.
Well then you can't go too far wrong, unless you get hornswoggled by a very good actress, a femme fatale.
Or a coward, someone unable to be anything but the pretence you so narrowly avoided being yourself.
I've been all the bad things I find in other people, I've done most of the things or thought about them
I find perversion to be like everything, a version of the real thing, not only under par it's a bogey.
Something hand picked to give you the impression that it's more than it is, shinier, newer.
Those fakes can all join hands and sing we are the world, but there's no-one listening.
The pervs are chasing a higher orgasm, the perfect cum, getting more extreme.
When what they are missing is connection between them and someone.
They deny the truth of the cum within them that would make it right.
To be with someone, even a stranger, in the right way,with love.
Call it fucking loving or loving fucking if you like, that's cool.
At least make sure you want them to cum harder than you.
Not caring about your limitations because there are none.
The sky is the limit when you make love to someone.
When you spend the time it takes to know them.
This world is full of versions of the original stories,dramas,plays,acts on stage, games, t.v. films, keep going.
List one thing here that isn't a poor substitute for doing what you want for real, which is where perverts go.
They go right up the flagpole and salute anyone or anything that can bring them their cup final ecstasy...
All they care about is themselves, or pleasing another for their own excitation, gratification and cum.
I am reborn, I am the person I was all those years ago when I was called Cherry Orchard not Jon.
I have been through the ordeal I should have undertaken when I was approaching manhood.
My mind is now a tool and my tool is still not my mind, I don't think with merely that.
I know you're scared, I'm a little nervous, but as I grow you shall too, all of you.
Not just meaning this about sex, perversion is in your genes, your jeans.
It's running through you like a stick of rock, telling you bad is good.
When you are split in two down the middle and through the heart.
There's nothing left but a husk, but at least it's visible and raw.
What is left is what I need, what I have is that indeed.
An open book, turning over a new leaf.
Learning how not to be like you.
Teaching you relief.
Healing you.
And me.
Too
x
Monday, 3 June 2013
The packaging was undamaged the contents were not unharmed...
Tattoos piercings interesting clothing items that refer to a faith in something big or small in meaning and fun lots of trinkets for every one. Doesn't matter what you look like it's who you are that counts. I see it day in day out. If you have a good reputation, if you work hard, if you try hard, if your heart is in the right place...
One IS the loneliest number. Funny that as I suspect there was only one something at one time, that split in two and then again and again until it was so many it wished to be one again. So the cycle goes on and on as we are thrown around like items in a washing machine, flying through space in a hurry to get who knows where or when.
We are in fact much more like fleas upon a golden fleece. The tapestry of the world will contain references to every person who ever lives, in memories that will last a lifetime, in stories that might last forever. The will has to be there to follow the imagination and to strike up the will to do the dreamed of and turn it into the real thing is the hardest part unless you stop assuming it is. Actually the most difficult bit is not thinking when you should be acting and NOT acting when you should be thinking and even more importantly being able to tell the difference.
You can't if you are thinking so when it's something you should
be feeling your way through see how you feel, and when it's
something you ought to have thought about cos your
instincts & emotions have let you down gently,
so see how you think and what it is.
How you think changes how you feel.
What you think changes how you feel.
What you say changes how you feel .
What you say should be the truth ESPECIALLY if it hurts.
The truth hurts now and nothing hurts as much later.
The lie now is your easy way out but will destroy you later.
So would you rather put in some hard graft for a second or two now?
Or live with what you've done and look like you do right now?
Cos I look the way I do for my age only for two reasons.
I don't lie I bend the truth to fit what you can handle ;)
I tell you what you need to know not whatya wanna
(Unless I don't want you to know on a hunch)
I keep my secrets and yours very seriously.
I forget them, that way they're safe.
Until the next time I'm reminded.
In your company and mine.
Going uphill is lots easier.
Down hurts the shins.
Makes us giddy.
Cos it's easy now and we leave climbing back up again until we have to, leave the short sharp shock so that what we are left with is a hammer blow instead to deliver to someone else. Don't deal with the things that need to be said or done, don't do anything, don't rock the boat, don't report a crime, nothing will get done, it's always been the same... Whatever your reasons for not
being honest ask yourself this. Why? not who, not how, not when, not where,
but why? Why are you lying trace it
back, is it a habit, is it for your own selfish pride or sense of self or another vain little neurosis.
I don't want to hear it, don't moan about something you won't get done or mention to the perpetrator.
Don't go on about the awful things in the world unless you're going out there soon or fundraising
If you're not involved, making the most of your time, it's clear you're part of the problem
Not the solution that we must work towards, the one that is unfolding at a rapid rate
The new way of doing things springing from the past in todays world. Expression.
People are expressing themselves in a world where it is not condoned freely.
No you must enter a talent contest or filter your life through their lenses
If it isn't t.v. games movies books toys curriculums food water it's
The element of surprise and the awful nature of many of them
and the way we are consumed with the nasty ones most
the nice ones next and dismissive at times of the best.
The best surprises are easy to deny or envy so
they invite and spread a little cynicism into
this world where none should be found
cyclically we swing from one extreme
to another, in so many ways every
where we go and every thing
we do, it's all extreme cos
we are monkey see
monkey do and
monkey magic
isn't famous
it happens
when no1
is looking
like it all
does lest
it spoil the
surprise of
who the wiz
of oz really is
and when you
find out i'll join
you in guffawing
until the end of time
cos we'll all be in on
the joke that is as it has
always been the nearest thing
to a true word that has ever been
spoken. So speak friend or forever
hold your piece or i will give you mine
always wondering why it is that you never
took the obvious invitation to splutter and splurge
out all the rubbish you've collected but not managed
to do anything else with than recycle it over and over in
your mind and that leads to so much emotional turmoil because
as much as we like to deny and forget that our heart rules our head,
it's true and it has always been and will always be not like these fads and
fashions that you see cos although the times of old, now and new will collide
when they do for the first and last time it will create somewhere for some rest
from visiting a place designed to allow us to be born live and die and learn things
to going on somewhere else that i can only surmise and speculate about and
I hate speculation, i dislike it actually I don't hate anymore, anything or one.
I don't hate, i dislike intently instead or not at all because it doesn't do owt.
Holding on to any emotion for any length of time is like trying to grab an
eel and they're so slippery, like the fickle fingers of fate, there to make
sure we don't get too comfortable, history and prediction also.
We sit in the past or the future more than we should.
Get up and see what's happening before it's gone.
Run to catch the train if it's something good.
Walk if it's to work and see what happens.
Have a random day, have no plan at all.
Go somewhere you've never been.
Do something you'll remember,
after today not just forget.
Cos it resembles closely,
Yesterday again again.
Again,again, again.
I'm losing my rag.
My religion.
Not faith.
Love
Jon
x
One IS the loneliest number. Funny that as I suspect there was only one something at one time, that split in two and then again and again until it was so many it wished to be one again. So the cycle goes on and on as we are thrown around like items in a washing machine, flying through space in a hurry to get who knows where or when.
We are in fact much more like fleas upon a golden fleece. The tapestry of the world will contain references to every person who ever lives, in memories that will last a lifetime, in stories that might last forever. The will has to be there to follow the imagination and to strike up the will to do the dreamed of and turn it into the real thing is the hardest part unless you stop assuming it is. Actually the most difficult bit is not thinking when you should be acting and NOT acting when you should be thinking and even more importantly being able to tell the difference.
You can't if you are thinking so when it's something you should
be feeling your way through see how you feel, and when it's
something you ought to have thought about cos your
instincts & emotions have let you down gently,
so see how you think and what it is.
How you think changes how you feel.
What you think changes how you feel.
What you say changes how you feel .
What you say should be the truth ESPECIALLY if it hurts.
The truth hurts now and nothing hurts as much later.
The lie now is your easy way out but will destroy you later.
So would you rather put in some hard graft for a second or two now?
Or live with what you've done and look like you do right now?
Cos I look the way I do for my age only for two reasons.
I don't lie I bend the truth to fit what you can handle ;)
I tell you what you need to know not whatya wanna
(Unless I don't want you to know on a hunch)
I keep my secrets and yours very seriously.
I forget them, that way they're safe.
Until the next time I'm reminded.
In your company and mine.
Going uphill is lots easier.
Down hurts the shins.
Makes us giddy.
Cos it's easy now and we leave climbing back up again until we have to, leave the short sharp shock so that what we are left with is a hammer blow instead to deliver to someone else. Don't deal with the things that need to be said or done, don't do anything, don't rock the boat, don't report a crime, nothing will get done, it's always been the same... Whatever your reasons for not
being honest ask yourself this. Why? not who, not how, not when, not where,
but why? Why are you lying trace it
back, is it a habit, is it for your own selfish pride or sense of self or another vain little neurosis.
I don't want to hear it, don't moan about something you won't get done or mention to the perpetrator.
Don't go on about the awful things in the world unless you're going out there soon or fundraising
If you're not involved, making the most of your time, it's clear you're part of the problem
Not the solution that we must work towards, the one that is unfolding at a rapid rate
The new way of doing things springing from the past in todays world. Expression.
People are expressing themselves in a world where it is not condoned freely.
No you must enter a talent contest or filter your life through their lenses
If it isn't t.v. games movies books toys curriculums food water it's
The element of surprise and the awful nature of many of them
and the way we are consumed with the nasty ones most
the nice ones next and dismissive at times of the best.
The best surprises are easy to deny or envy so
they invite and spread a little cynicism into
this world where none should be found
cyclically we swing from one extreme
to another, in so many ways every
where we go and every thing
we do, it's all extreme cos
we are monkey see
monkey do and
monkey magic
isn't famous
it happens
when no1
is looking
like it all
does lest
it spoil the
surprise of
who the wiz
of oz really is
and when you
find out i'll join
you in guffawing
until the end of time
cos we'll all be in on
the joke that is as it has
always been the nearest thing
to a true word that has ever been
spoken. So speak friend or forever
hold your piece or i will give you mine
always wondering why it is that you never
took the obvious invitation to splutter and splurge
out all the rubbish you've collected but not managed
to do anything else with than recycle it over and over in
your mind and that leads to so much emotional turmoil because
as much as we like to deny and forget that our heart rules our head,
it's true and it has always been and will always be not like these fads and
fashions that you see cos although the times of old, now and new will collide
when they do for the first and last time it will create somewhere for some rest
from visiting a place designed to allow us to be born live and die and learn things
to going on somewhere else that i can only surmise and speculate about and
I hate speculation, i dislike it actually I don't hate anymore, anything or one.
I don't hate, i dislike intently instead or not at all because it doesn't do owt.
Holding on to any emotion for any length of time is like trying to grab an
eel and they're so slippery, like the fickle fingers of fate, there to make
sure we don't get too comfortable, history and prediction also.
We sit in the past or the future more than we should.
Get up and see what's happening before it's gone.
Run to catch the train if it's something good.
Walk if it's to work and see what happens.
Have a random day, have no plan at all.
Go somewhere you've never been.
Do something you'll remember,
after today not just forget.
Cos it resembles closely,
Yesterday again again.
Again,again, again.
I'm losing my rag.
My religion.
Not faith.
Love
Jon
x
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