I am whatever you say I am, if I wasn't then why would I say I am?

I find eye contact difficult sometimes, I know that other people appreciate it, and when I'm in a conversation with someone I do my best to give them eye contact.  I appreciate it when I get it...

Conversations have always been a troubling issue for me, I often wondered why complete strangers would ask me things like 'Where do you live?' or 'where do you come from?'  It would leave me thinking to myself, I'm not sure I want to tell someone I don't know, where I live.

It's a trust thing I guess, and my trust has been abused so many times by people close to me, that I became wary and mistrustful myself.

I've learnt that when I let people get close, they use the opportunity to hurt me.

I've also learnt that unless I let people get close, I'll never be loved.

Never get close to someone else again.

And so I've had to concede that other people will continue to ask me things that I find quite personal.

I don't like asking other people those kinds of questions, I haven't had much practise.

I found as many ways to avoid these types of social situations when growing up.

I used to draw a lot, and that gave me the perfect excuse not to join in.

I could concentrate on what I was doing, and they would know.

They would take my attention on something else as a sign.

And leave me the fuck alone to get on with whatever.

It was a way for me to avoid all the things I found difficult to do.

I don't like using the phone, I'm fine when someone rings me.

I actually don't have all that much of a problem with it.

I got over it when I worked in offices, lots of practise.

It was unavoidable, and so now I have to push myself.

Keep doing all the things I avoided, keep pushing.

Keep practising the social conventions.

Small talk, urgh I really dislike it.

Without it though I'll never get to know anyone.

Never get past the small talk, the attempts to find some common ground.

Get through the defences, to get slightly closer to someone, so that we can move on.

Learn to get past the things I find boring and frankly just plain daft and uninteresting to me.

I'll keep on trying to join in, trying to feel comfortable in the one on one's or smaller groups.

When my inhibitions have gone, when I'm feeling comfy in a place with some people.

It doesn't seem to bother me, I'll introduce myself and get right into a nice chat.

I'll get to know someone a little better and not worry so much, not hold back.

The problem for you is that I'm kinda shy when I don't know someone.

Quite quiet really, until I know you, and then you won't shut me up. ;)

So it's an issue that is ongoing, like everything, we have to keep on.

Have to push ourselves, do the hard things, get out of our comfort zone.

It doesn't matter that I did these things a lot in the past, or recently.

Every day has to be filled with doing the things I don't like.

Or else I get out of practise, and they get harder again.

It's a rollercoaster and I've ridden it a lot lately.

I don't know if someone is interested in me.

I can't tell if I should try my luck or push it.

Should I ask this person out, can't take rejection, otherwise by now I would be an actor.

I love to make believe, play games, play parts, make funny faces, make people at ease.

I have become accomplished at making other people feel good when I see their pain.

It's because I am always putting myself in other peoples shoes, cos I didn't like mine.

I feel your nerves, I feel your pain, I feel everything you've ever worried about.

I don't want you to suffer what I do, don't want you to feel the way I did.

So what's to be done?  I don't know past the fact that I'm lonely again.

It's about time, I used to feel lonely in a room full of my friends.

That was a travesty, so I left them all to it, got away from habits.

Moved away, left the scene, left the village, left my area.

Found new things to do, new ways to be, just knew.

That I wanted to feel comfortable with someone.

To be able to shut the fuck up with someone.

To be relaxed in the company of a woman.

To spend time with someone I love.

I love so many people now.

So many friends.

Love
Jon
x