A Lotta Bottle - A Lotta Fuss About Nothing

Well I never really did have much bottle.  Self confidence has always been an issue, never driven by others, pushed to achieve, given direction, I've been left to choose my own path and wandered quite aimlessly.

I also have been addicted to Weed, Cannabis whatever you wanna call it for a long time.

Given it up and had the withdrawal symptoms and suffering anxiety that was there in the first place.  I found it gave me some relief from anxiety and allowed me to relieve stress, I'd go to that all the time.  Until recently I found I was feeling disconnected from the people I love, my friends, my family.  Not interested in what they have to say, feeling as though they have nothing to contribute but their own rather daft opinions.  I've woken up to reality, woken up to the length of time of my life that I've wasted, realised just how much I've let things slip, how much I relied on others, how much I've let myself down.

I also feel like I have a certain level of confidence back, it's the confidence I earnt by pushing myself, but it's gotta be a habit, I've gotta keep pushing myself, gotta give myself time to get used to new situations rather than a knee jerk reaction to them.  I suppose feeling so great last year wasn't really the truth of the matter, it was an overeaction to years of letting things slip.  I was outspoken, whereas before I wouldn't say boo to a goose unless I knew it well ;)  At times there was a lack of interest in things, at times there was an interest in things that aren't very sensible.

A Lotta Fuss About Nothing...

Seems as much as I have an active, over active more like, imagination, I also have the ability to doubt myself completely.  Little set backs hit me hard.  A lack of self confidence that has come back since I stopped smoking weed, which made me feel normal.  Now I feel very normal indeed and have had periods of anxiety worse than any I can remember, leading to confusion, panicking but not panic attacks.  In fact when smoking Skunk I would sometimes have the thought that I was going to have a heart attack, rather than when I wasn't smoking it, and by smoking I mean heavy use beyond anything you can think of.  So much so, that it was a daily, before work, after work, all evening, you get the idea...

I've made my issues worse by not discussing them, thought they were mine to deal with, inferiority playing a part.  I have good friends, real friends, that care and help and want to be there.   I'm leaning on them but then that often makes me feel bad.  Then there's the worry in others eyes.  I am a nuance guy.  The smallest things mean a lot to me.  A touch, a slight, a sound, a feeling.

Every time I panic, I search for an answer outside of myself and then relax when it becomes obvious that I need to look for those answers within.

Keep giving myself a break whilst also pushing quite hard through the issues.

Balance the need to do the right thing for others with the need to do right by me too.

Stop overthinking which I am finding easier now I'm learning to relax without the extra strength green.

There was an issue that I looked back on my life and decided it was huge, when I stop panicking, it wasn't.

But it had to be faced.

I'm facing it.

We'll see.
Love
Jon
x

Black Hole Sun

What to write?

I don't have a stamp on my forehead saying sane. But I'm not still waiting for the Black Hole Sun to come and wash away the rain. Feeling weller and happier than for a long time. Got the strength and energy to keep on keeping on and try, try, trying more things. Going for what I need not want. And then what I want afterwards ;)

At the same time...

Still got the same issues but they're not as big not as threatening not as ever present.

Finding that actually doing something about the things you couldn't face gets ya sumwhere.

Had such an amazing time from Friday night until Saturday early afternoon, then driving home, mcdonalds, driving home, love in my heart, driving home, love, drive, love, patience, love, respect, love, tolerance, love, acceptance, love, energy, love........

Breathed in that music deep, rising up through me as it peaks, feel the energy rush, my emotions poor forth, and then left behind in that space such a rush of pure sweet joy and elation and vibrant ecstasy, ecstatic love and it's free and you don't get tired until you are cos it carries you through and past the need to take something else or take something more.

Feeling it, throwing it out like energetic lassoes (lassoos?) and tugging on them, turning them into showers of firey sparks and light rain not rain that is light, sending it out as a hug or a kiss or a smile or just bliss...

Never feeling that there's an end just a sessation.

Engage, find it again.

Feel it.

Move to it.

Let it fill you up.

Overflowing from your scalp like the sweat from a chilli dish with the after half glass of milk...

Enjoying sweating so profusely that I know now I'm detoxing, working out, and enjoying it

But then it was pure fun, move from here to there, dance this way, shake that, move this

smile at you, are you ok? hey there, woah there, oh yeah, smell the sweat and don't care

We're funky but loving it

I'm freaky for love

Love
Jon
x

Big Issue / Big Shoes To Fill

Big Issue

Erm I suppose I've often felt similar to how things have been recently. For me what I am going through now is just a more severe, or being more conciously aware of it, just more real feeling in every way than ever before.

I have to admit to having felt like this on many occasions, often during the winter months, onsetting in october or november. Without the medecine that I was taking on a monthly basis and feeling as though I had regressed so badly. Making old mistakes, being a person who makes them without thinking of the consequences, only the imagined rewards, or the desire to do what feels right at the time, to follow my principles and my heart.

I'm not very experienced at actually doing things.

I've thought about lots of them, but rarely if ever actually done them.

And then I decided to listen and learn. I felt as though I had shied away from who I really am for too long. Certain places called to me. Avebury, The Way of St James Pilgrimage in Spain (actually it was a clip of Santiago de Compostela and a snippet of people walking along that caught my eye). I returned to Avebury and visited Santiago on foot once.

My world opened up and I wanted to take my friends there too. To a place inside where everything and anything is possible if you force yourself into it, or get into the habit of not thinking just going with your gut or heart and not your head.

I've preached and gone on about a spiritual life, or a concious life, or an authentic life...

And been able to from experience finally.

And yet a stumbling block was in the way.

The fact that I crumble under certain circumstances. You see it's a long way from who I feel like inside to who I am outside sometimes. Less so these days as I'm just too honest and my face too expressive not to be obviously one thing or another. I've also gotten more into why now, why me.

I have always had a brain that thinks and won't switch off easily.

Swhy I enjoyed certain relaxing herbs as you can zonk out and sleep right through.

I'm finding that I'm being squished into doing what I should have done years ago.

All of it.

Challenge myself.

Don't just get swayed by this or that, be the person you've always wanted to.

Follow your own path.

Be there for all your friends.

I want my dreams back.

I want my daydreams back.

I want my family back.

I am opening up and finding it stressful but exhilarating too with the release and relief, often feeling like a dangerous place to venture and though I'm just as stymied and unable to make a decision the feeling gets easier to deal with as I accept how I feel and know I must.

Like a dog shaking when it knows it must change its behaviour, stress showing at it moves through the bodily symptoms to retraining the mind and memory.

I had a go at letting go. I cried. Thankyou S xxx and thankyou A for our conversation x
I'll get by with a little help from my friends.
One day at a time.

I'm going to be the guy between the two I've been.

I hope he's not a zombie ;)
Love
Jon
x

From Love to Peace to Joy

I lived outside in a tent one year until it got too cold outside. My boss once had to wake me by tugging on my big toe one day after a particularly late night on the John Smiths I believe ;)

After that, was other tents, then a mini marquee, then I got the caravan and stretched it out to when it got really cold and then stayed out there this winter. I had created a canopy / divider to keep the heat next to the bed, got a heater, fixed the broken window after rain started coming in, put in steps outside, got thermal underwear, a sleep pod for comfily contained but casual bedding, slept out there all winter. Cos I don't, didn't live outside just sleep there really. Although the more home comforts you have the longer the time you can spend there. I got quite used to cooking outside and I'm sure I will again this year. First Barbequeue was the other weekend over wood embers and in smoke.

I often got bored and switched off when it came to the t.v. Each year there would be a period where I would decide that I didn't want certain things and even people in my life. Then I would get caught back up by those diverting entertainments on the box. I made up my mind not to startwatching anything new, then watched the end of several of my favourite series, then I just stopped watching when it got to the point that I had an X-box I was given plugged in and no room for a digi box. And I haven't looked back. I've seen from about a few seconds to a program or two at times when I'm with someone at home or at someone elses's house. But that's it.

I loved Sherlock though ;) <3 I saw that on I-Player, does that count as television?

All I can do is take my medecine. Even though I haven't got any of my natural foraged variety, I've seen that to be left without all your outside help, you find that you have to work with what you've got already. Slowly ever so slowly, and then boom suddenly as much as I was propelled downwards by my own fears, then I find the strength to live again and not feel so powerless.

Breathing slow and deep. Early to bed, calm meditations, on rising, feel that love within, resonating from my heart, where it was all along only my head kept telling me what a dick I was. I let my spiritual routine health check take a back seat so that I could experience what it felt like to belong again. It was awesome. Now I know I have good friends that I can count on so I was slow as usual to ask for help but got loads when I did finally, or they stepped in to ask when i was fragile enough to answer. I had to forgive myself and be hard enough to accept where I went wrong but as usual I went too far a little maybe. I find it easier to resolve a problem by getting to the root and tugging furiously whilst sweating buckets and swearing, under my breath of course ;)

I wanted things I didn't have the courage to go for...

The next steps all looked like the worst face to climb of any mountain, impossibly impassable.

Maybe I can...

Well even if my courage isn't back yet, I know the answer.

Test myself, see if I can improve myself again, build back to somewhere nice.

Get the courage that comes with actually trying even if you don't think you can.

Nothing has been as hard or as scary as it once was, but still it's more apparent to me.

So I know I've got to balance doing those things I would have said yes to with no thought.

And my bank balance...

Add in the things I've learn't and give life another go.

Love
Resonating
From Within
Jon
x