I'm walking away and back again...
When I went away from everything and everyone a few years ago I was in a bad way. I had
one person in my life that I considered to be a friend of mine. Men are daft creatures
in many respects because we are able to maintain our relationships based on very little
contact in terms of regular getogethers and so even though I had not seen this one
friend in quite a while, we still thought of each other in this way or at least he did. To be honest I had gotten to the point of feeling like I had no-one and nothing worth living for. I was experiencing what many would describe as an existential crisis.
I truly believed at the time, to a very real extent that when I went off, I would not
return. Many strange ideas were coursing through my brains...
600 kilometers into an 800k walk in Spain I received a txt from this one.
'Do you fancy a round up the birt?'
He was asking if I wanted to play golf, at our local course Westonbirt, which was one of
our shared activities and something we both enjoyed and had kept out friendship current.
To receive this message both made me smile and frown and almost cry.
I completed my journey, this pilgrimage and returned home a different man.
Renewed faith in myself, in others and the so called milk of human kindness.
Gradually since then I have protected that new found belief in me, you and them.
I have attempted to reintegrate this new me back into those old relationships whilst
also creating new ones based on the idea that there are worthwhile people out there.
It's created a new life for me to live and the new friends I have are truly wonderful.
At the same time, it's so hard not to slip back into bad old habits, ways of being.
The way men carry on is not right, we should be closer, able to show how we feel.
The problem with a male dominated society is we fear showing weakness.
That leads to overcompensation, overeaction not proactive action.
Ultimately if you lose faith in us, ours was vaguely there.
We are even less sure of ourselves than anyone else is.
Or can be until we know who we are and can show it.
Without fear of reprisals if we are open to them.
I want to know when I've done wrong so I can be,
open and honest and feel your displeasure.
Otherwise I don't deserve your goodness.
---
Losing my temperament
Once you get angry you are presenting to the world something that they are either afraid
of or don't respect, because you are disrespecting yourself first and then them
afterwards. Anger is scary but it is merely the culmination of denying them the
expression of your emotions at a lower more acceptable level. If you don't say how
others make you feel until you 'lose it' then you are treading a dangerous path.
Not to show how you are feeling at all is far worse. Too many people today think, that
being the operative word here, think that it is only acceptable to be kind or that to
express how you really feel is a dangerous way to be. You won't get anywhere if you are
not being who you are at all times, tempered by the need to prevent that from damaging
those relationships you consider to be important by becoming a pain in the arse.
I have very rarely lost my temper, I can count the times on the fingers of both hands.
When I am angry, I must work out why and whether it actually began with me, or them.
Often something that someone has said or done will make me feel bad about who I am.
That is their problem, but the process of self examination is necessary for all.
I need to work out if what they say is true, not see it as a personal attack.
So I take my time and don't react right away and most times I don't at all.
Not allow whatever has put them in that state to mean it passes on to me.
You have to be an island of calm in a ocean of shitheads these days.
Misery loves company but so does joy, so I go to the joyful.
Knowing that the miserable ones would love to aswell.
They are trapped in their own vicious circles.
Unable or unwilling to change with help.
Let it be, show them an alternative.
When they're ready they will ask.
Or offer from time to time.
Give them a chance.
Don't give up.
Just Let Go.
---
The spiritual truth behind everything we say and do and who we are inside in that hole
that most fill with bad relationships, bad habits and bad behaviour has saved me.
Not a religious ideal or the product of giving away my own personal soveriegnty to
another. I have just gone back to who I was before indoctrination into our society.
I believe in myself again and have started to believe in others too, despite the fact
that I keep being let down again. I also let myself down from time to time, bygones.
Forgiveness was a part of it, patience to put up with things I cannot resolve and the
courage to face those that I can. Little by little I have to make a change every day.
Working on my own issues has made me feel so much more than I did back then before I
went away. I was numb for years because it hurt so much every time I let someone in.
Now I am more honest about the ways in which others affect me, I try to say something as
soon as they impinge upon the new me and help us all to see what is right, not who is.
---
It's a struggle and every day seems to bring with it a new or an old challenge.
I'm up for it though, just occasionally I get tempted to go back to who I was.
It doesn't last though, for a bit I rail against what I see as intransigence.
Then I work out and feel like a jerk that it's me who has regressed in time.
They have always been the same and are waiting for me to give in, I can't.
Got to continue on this journey toward a happy life whatever it takes.
Can't join em, can't beat em, so I'll create a space for them here.
Somewhere they can be themselves without worrying about others.
A world free from the needs of the few and setup to be fair.
A place in space and time where all resistance is futile.
Let go of your fears and doubts to join we happy few.
It's stressful at first but afterwards all is calm.
The hard road leads to an easy life not vice versa.......................
Light &
Love
Jon
x
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