Ok so it's gonna be short and sweet today. My muse is operating at full efficiency and within established parameters ;) but it's just not happening inside my own head at the moment. I put that down to being ill, the fact that inspiration often comes in fits and starts and that I haven't been doing much beyond dreading work and painfully trying to cough and breath at the same time and other things that have been difficult this week. However I have this underlying feeling that I've never been happier and that is keeping me going. I seriously have never felt better being me and I've put that almost all down to Jennifer's influence on me. So thankyou Jennifer but also Anna, Grzegorz, Nathan, Sally (and all your friends) and everyone else in my life who makes me smile because they're wonderful people.
If your name is not down, it's not because 'you're not coming in' it's because I don't see why you should get a big head just because you make my life a joy to live.
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Bonfire Of The Vanities
I stopped being vain when I shaved my head. The first time I think it may have been because I was skint and so it was an almost free alternative. When I had hair, and lots of it, I can honestly say that I spent too much time looking in reflective surfaces to see how it was doing. But none of that was ever because I was worried how I looked for my own benefit. It was only ever a desire to fit in, feel comfortable in my own skin and make sure I didn't look like I'd been dragged through a hedge backwards.
For the record, I always drag myself through a hedge forwards...
At school I suffered from all sorts of anxiety issues. Shyness problems to do with eye contact that when it becomes a concious process is very worrying. I've learnt a few techniques to lessen the stress involved but it's probably quite weird if I'm really close to someone to have me trying to look at the area between their eyes hehe. I used to become concious of my breathing, and it almost felt like if I didn't make it happen, ok in now out, now in again, that I would just expire.
I didn't like eating in front of other people, wouldn't use the phone at home (or at work until it became clear I would have to so I did) . I seem to have slowly come to terms with all of these things or worked out ways to get on with my life without them causing me too many problems. Although to be fair I don't like talking on the phone still and avoid it if I can, I'm ok at it but I don't like the way the rhythm of a conversation isn't dependent on visual signals like a face to face convo. Some have become distant memories, some crop up daily. When I have to do something, even if I dread it or hate the idea of it, I'm usually pretty good at whatever IT is.
I think this may be the reason why Mrs Vacher (a customer when I was a gardener) told my employer at the time that "Jon works like a Trojan, but he does tend to stare sometimes when I'm talking to him"... That's because I often find conversing with words dull and inconvenient ;)
Rest In Peace Mrs V. I really miss mowing your lawns and tending your borders...
Sorry maybe it's just me but gardening often makes me think of all sorts of completely inappropriate double entendres, especially when we're currently talking bout a dead pensioner. I have a sometimes filthy and incredibly vivid imagination so whatcha gonna do? Use it......
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Soooooooooooooooooooooo
Onwards and Upwards
Met an old mate who works in the place I'm currently Agencying at, in fact most of the staff are from Tetbury (despite the fact that we're in Stonehouse at the new Offices). Matty Seals Mum works there, Danny Dyer's Mum and Aunty, it's all very incestuous.
I think he may be a bad influence cos we're talking bout going to Moles in a fortnight and I haven't been out in Bath since Andross (Andy B) met his lovely girlfriend Lucy in Town.
The weather is awesome, I have money in the bank (for now) and I'm off to enjoy myself
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How Did Darth Vader Know what young Skywalker was getting for Christmas?
"Luke I have felt your presents...."
I have developed a skill, I suppose it's a skill anyway as it's not an unskilled thing to do.
I can place my attention, some might say conciousness in any part of my body. Internally I can say left big toe and I'll feel a response as my attention moves there, right hip, check. It's quite a strange feeling but the more you try the easier it gets. I suppose it started when feeling pain in a certain spot and your focus is drawn there.
"Meditation is simply about attention... where you direct it, and how it alters your consciousness"
It all seems very simple when described like that, just a shame I'm too indisciplined
I'm looking for quick fixes like everyone else, it's just that I had to be single for seventeen years to find the ones that worked long term lol, to allow me to feel like I used to, to be good enough for someone else, to feel good enough in myself that I think I deserve anyone else's love, to search for someone else to care about. Plus it helps if you actually ask a girl out before you become too close and they just see you as a buddy. So lessons learnt in the last three to four years? Don't be such a cowardly little dick all your life...
Light &
Love
Jon
x
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