feeler

We need more healers not dealers
So im just saying id rather be me
Than a fake version i used to be
So thankyou and let's get realer

notes from the edge

if movies and t.v. are your guide to the limits of reality then it's clear to me that actually you're missing out on the real life you were meant to lead, on the real you, you were meant to be, so please don't let others keep you from experiencing being free and if you would like to know a little more ask me :) +

written on this day last year about the referendum

written on thursday night before the voting was done and stuff:-
intend that we will stop pretending that we dont all depend upon each other, sista, brutha, because its ending if we dont decide to coincide and plan a future for one another, as impending is the realisation, we got emergency... cant you see that me and you, you and me, need to make those mouth noises, verbully explaining our points of view at and too, those who fail to comprehend, that we ought to lend a hand, fend for ourselves more, defend our rights, live together, as one in peace, or die alone, lets lose war, be sure everyone can live where they come from, where their hearts' song, is one of family and home and love...

night train to venus

ok so trip report because despite the fearful voices i went deep and true hallucinations? well terence would be proud i took a heroic dose of 4 dried grams of liberty caps chewed in one, two three four mouthfuls because i felt as though i needed to melt again for the new moon and plant a few seeds for the future after cacao for the full moon, so that medicine after a beautiful meditation where i sloughed off my skin in the river of life and then went to the meadow to shine bright, see my self blackened old wizened and dead turn new reborn as i was shorn into a white body with a golden cloak then last night once six hours of fasting were up and a nap was had i did my prayer to the mushrooms, please keep me safe, show me what i need to see, heal me, energy be true, be good, be real and this healing go deep into my core, take away the parts that aren't mine, let those that are settle back as friend not foe, let me see the good in the bad rather than fear it and turn it back into a ghost or black dog, allies not enemies, relax into the connection so that the blue light can fire up within my heart, radiate out, emanate and throb and pulse and grow, show me the sight and sound and touch and taste and smell and sense the way to a forward escape velocity, where i can see the path, the truth, the way and i did, a vision of buddafield in under two weeks time i was there is hypnagogic astral travelling body and spirit mind so i cried for what seemed like and was probably hours, always in silent darkness, blind, curtains drawn in cold metal box away from prying eyes, caravan of love and sanctuary divine, sublime, i faced myself, my past, my crimes, back in the day the thought was you've done bad things why don't you do some more? My reply? No thanks, I will never renounce love, golden shining glittering energy from above and white light coming up from below, earth and heaven force energy meeting in my heart, i am a tardis, time and relative dimensions in space, in my body, in a bubble, sending out a signal called love unconditional until it retrains every cell and pore and atom connected to every other in existence to be loved and free, well that was that and this is me, dying a little more and living eventually :) + <3

no time to waste

well i finally see and fuck me
when you take responsibility
for your own vulnerabilities
and the everyday 1, 2, 3
four i declare chore war
there's little time but
boundless energy
what is more
you feel
good
tired
sore
free

eating consciousness

when you become more conscious you notice habits earlier and sooner so that you can change them on the fly and that is why my posture seems more central to my centre of gravity sigh, then it's just a case of having the patience not to scream and shout and fly off the handle to walk out on your life because you know it's coming good, just take your time, don't say "I'm fine" be true, be authentic, say whatever you feel instead, get your own head read by your own self and let others have a pass, let it ride, inside it takes a lot of trying or maybe it's easy if that's the case tell me how, to deal with ear worms, because when I'm not listening out, i'm hearing that last song on repeat, i take it easy and give it hard time, favouring rhyme, sublime and again my friend let it slide, forgive if you want to forget, need to, beat no-one up especially yourself except to say that you give others the benefit of the doubt you refuse yourself just to be on the safe side, reside in love, in the heart space, like a meditation on the breath come back to counting ins and outs, pouts, louts, ignore them and go back to bliss, this kiss is for each and every one, no tongue, unless it's in the cheek and cheerful? not so much but at least there's a smile on my face at times, just not a fixed fake grin, chagrin, cha! we used to say as if that was a comment like like is now a way of explaining something vaguely as though it were a way to describe rather than compare but to be fair you lot use language like you waste things, styrofoam words that hang around for years or days, minutes, seconds, mere moments this ought to be brought to an end before it sends me into apoplexy, im not sexy, but im fit as fuck, and cool because i don't care if i am, or look at myself in mirrors, because i see the real one internally and it stinks to high heaven and sinks to holy hell, this shell is better that's something swell to tell anyone who'll listen, i hasten to add, there's no sad sack of shit on the end of this shtick just a liar and useless bag of gas but earning it, missing the days of fun and frolics and constant stoned enthusiasm for nothing, glad to have some form of sanity for the longrun and less abnormality, it's going on this one eh? Keep on keeping on i tell em, don't let the bastards get you down, i am one, no really, probably not, i don't keep em keen, or treat them not even mean, so basically i do the least i can get away with and then some. A Modicum of modesty at least there's a slight referendum i can get behind and vote to remain again even though i'm glad we'll be out and proud to leave the sinking ship called europe before we're dragged under with it too, but i think smaller and local is the way to go with everything from governing and community and race relations generally, relax more, shore up our own shores and everyones because we care more, even me, i am reaching out inexorably and this has gone on far too long, enough is enough, don't get me started on greed. i've got it, smoking gone, toking gone, now it's food and eating i'm addicted to at least im mostly vegan for the planets sake, not a fake i really don't eat meat, or consume the dairy products meant for baby animals, no other kind of being on this planet consumes the milk of another species after childhood or even before being weaned unless they're orphans of some kind so where are our parents in the sky, on land, aren't they to hand to reach us, teach us right from wrong, dag nabbit, this rabbit has gone on too long, quit it, shit the bed, i hope this empties my head, it gets less airtime lately except for those fucking ear worms, obsessive thought loops and disgusting word associations that i would never normally think, scraping the barrel of this slimmer swimmer with a glimmer of hope for this dimmer spark to shine brighter once more before i falter and finish, not to diminish this diatribe, for the tribe to fail to read. If you cut us do we not bleed? Ashes to ashes industry to industry, it's all got its infamy, and in for me and you? Sell things now that's the bottom line and the bottom line is profit, it's good despite the way it's destroying the planet at a rapid rate, too late for those that are already extinct but maybe they're better off not living in a degraded ecosystem, within a system of abuse i call consumerism, slaves on one side, paying, and on the other being paid to spend their lives creating things for us to buy or die :) + <3 if you got to the end i wonder why but honour you thankyou

thinking of you anew

i couldn't see, why you'd want to talk to me, so i reduced my availability and left myself free to do other things and basically it goes a little something like this with me that i stupidly let your need, desire, wish or frenzy to speak directly drive me and mine my spine was weak and frankly broken or underdeveloped in the first place to taking myself to task and asking why i find revulsion and hatred for rejection as the cause and pausing it reveals a deep wound from then not now but nonetheless i confess it dealt a blow to my whole life meaning i could never take the strife, could not consciously accept responsibility easily, defend myself other than viciously and with a death blow i know that's not right to fight was never my intention but like an animal cornered i would like to say i'm free of all that stuff like obsession and i was last night after chanting the name of the bhudda i well met suddenly i no longer has to count how many sips i took of the love that shook me to my core, waking i find a song repeating again so i treat that with a smile and thoughts of you send me into recrimination because you don't deserve it i am sure, pure love is not about contemplation of a foundation that was never built so i assume it's just me thinking of you not the other way around driving me down, but no i choose to look upwards, flow, grow and heal these attempts to bring me round, splash water on my face, cold showers to heal my disgrace, energetic wounds and pick the potent raspberries so many i can't eat em all but i can choose one for me, one for mousey and get ready to work, feeling less of a jerk just a lesson for me from old, go deeper, keep doing what you're doing and find that spark within, use it to create a better whole around, love freely, don't con myself or anyone that there's anything here but a friend in waiting, release the self hating loathsome beast feasting on my fake self and body pain, shame, guilt, built on lies i know who i am deep inside because i'm following the advice of allies, i love you and let you go again and again because that's what lends us our freedom from domination, from them and us and we, love from me :) + <3

solstice blessings

common sense and the advice of spirit prevailed and i went home and slept and woke and rose and went to see the violet flame erupt from the sun once again, warriors of the rainbow know that our mother and father are of such importance now and so it's up to us to honour them and fight the good fight and work our socks and shoes off, ground our feet, taste defeat if necessary to do the right thing and get ourselves free to live in harmony with her and him and each other and nature and that is it for today, i saw the sun rise, i prayed, i spoke out loud for freedom and healing and for all the brothers and sisters, animal, mineral, veggie, fungi and life generally to win, that's the benefit of giving a shit :) +

morning sun

it began with the rising sun and as it broke the horizon to appear and the light came near it was obvious that the spectrum of possibilities was creating the expectation of myself to be overcome with emotion and the first rays were red, rooting me to the spot, then orange, connecting my lifeforce to the earth and sky, then yellow as the day began to take shape and my lower heart was won, then as i gazed unfazed and unblinking the tunnel of love began to form, you can look at the sun at this early stage the light of the disk is bright when you squint or your eyes flash and from around the sun comes a dash of pink, circling the sun is a dragon, orobouros is the serpent that eats its tail, you see it chasing back and forth, you look left it goes right and vices versed, keep looking to see that heart coloured vortex come out to swallow me, envelop and send me postage stamped and kicked up the ass by the love that lasts, i gasp and shake and stand as i see the fiery ball rise up and i feel so small but stood tall and stretching yawn to start my day enlivened yay :) + <3

A Place for Everyone - And Everyone In Their Place

London, echoes of a bygone era, a hundred years ago in 1917 there was the Russian Revolution
I feel and smell and taste and see and touch revolution in the air once more as we face our truth

Anyway I was going to say without rhyming but well it seems to be here to stay so get on with it and let it flow and it was going to be about servitude, about being serfs and no better than slaves to a system and being poor not because you don't want to work, being immigrants from another nation, inflation, greed and selfishness, a lack of communication, listening, the ways that the under class are not served by the ones out there that do their best to live in a capitalist country and don't feel or see the lack of morality in the things they do from day to day, buying things we don't need, it's all connected, and i'm no saint, when i get onto the centre in yate, i want things i don't have to have, i am temoted to go into the pound shop and see what's cheap, get junk and eat it, stuff my fucking face, i don't have to swear but occasionally i do it to fit in, because it works, because the gravity of the situation seems to require a stronger turn of phrase, no praise for me, bowing low to my number plate bw 03 lwn, bow low now and indicate, as so many others don't because they are unconscious of others, focussed on their own lives, stressed through what they have to do at work, where they have to go, egotistical in unnatural behaviour towards others, no manners any more, no communication, just i have to be somewhere, so i will treat others with disdain, that instant sensation within, the temptation inside, the message is do others down, that's acceptable in this society, there's no more piety, no more reason not to tread upon them, getting ahead by seeing someone else lose theirs, lose everything, no rich without poor, more wealth, less health, more disasters on the way because the ones with shiny expensive cars don't want to see the ones who have nothing but their family, and friends, and they have?  Things, and back to consumerism and my truth, I'm suffering, one of the noble truths of bhuddism is that life is suffering, but it doesn't need to be, the less you have you give it away more easily, I'm going to post this for others to see, because I don't care what they think of me.

Empathy

cried for a stranger in my dreams this morning someone i had met once but it made me realise just how empathic i am, we are and once you know that you face a choice, go back to numbing yourself or work on your own strength, boundaries, psychic self i apologise for not being around because it made me tired quickly to feel so completely what you are feeling especially when you want to vent your spleen, your anger is uncomfy for me to be, to be around, so i have to work even harder to come closer :) + <3

We Met - Conscious Camp 2017

When we met I knew, I felt what I meant to you, I didn't worry or fear to do, whatever it was we were drawn to and then after a little while my brain said are you sure?  What do you think now?  But that's not me that's my insecurity because when I go to my heart and ask it for it to impart its truth and trust right  then and there, I find nothing but that feeling that was so revealing at the start which was I love you whether you love me or not, I trust you whether you trust me or not, I care whether you care too or not and finally I know what to be in every eventuality, the reality that exists behind every shadow being cast, at last I am myself who never doubts, at last I'm finding out, that there's one me who is also you and we two are one bright shining light, driven by fright, using it as an energy of deep and meaningful transformation, just like every conversation I've had here, my resistance shows me where I need to go, outside my comfort zone to hone my new home within my heart.

Heart Song - Conscious Camp 2017

When my head says I don't know, I go straight to ask my heart do you have anything to say and no words are coming back just a hug that start within and turns me inside out until my protection is deep in my core and my loving heart is out and proud and smiling from my skin and all around, displaying this place I've found, so profound and sound, grounding me resounding, resonating, taking me to the end of a journey and back to the beginning so I know it's ok to start.

The First Time - Conscious Camp 2017

The Last Time I was here this long was an adventure that became a song, a story about a blizzard and being trapped in mountains by the snow, with this same feeling of family allowing me to learn and grow and show a bit more of my bestest truest self and lose the boundaries between me and you where there's no nations, countries, separation, because there is none really, only those that we've been taught to believe in, so let's go away from thoughts of us and them and them and us, cos they're also an illusion because we are all one, it's nearly time to go my friends, let's continue what's begun, this dream come true, feels like I've lived it before, but this time it's the realest it's ever been, the things I've seen, attack ships over Orion, but I'm a real boy not an automaton, not a digital creation whatever simulation we might be living through, not authentic behaviour but faking it until we make it all come true, that's what I've learnt to be and do, to live my life from the heart, from truth, with all of you.

Kisses -- Conscious Camp rememberances of the last five days of fun

I don't do kisses much but when I do they're not crosses, not a cross, or x, but a plus sign, a positive peck, a reality check, a notice to the universe that some things are the wrong way around but it wasn't always so, I told someone about an old mosaic near my house it has two lines entwined like an early kissing pattern of ropes in a room whose east end was a glass windowed dome with a sunny shape made out of tiles upon the floor, I've felt a wall of energy around that place, it invites you in, to leave your sins behind, to step thought into another world, the garden of need not eden which is an anagram anyway, where our every need is met because we make a wish there under a sacred tree for everyone to get their dreams come true and in that way, giving first then finally to receive, we relieve ourselves of selfish genes, get back to earlier scenes, relive our earliest memes, like love is our energy and we are also it, feel it, taste it, touch it, smell it, hear it now as I go deep inside, and further back to find the first sound, spoken when this melting pot became a piece of ground, as all things settled into the way they are now, the divine imagination was wandering what do I do next it wondered? Ummmmmmm
Ommmmmmm

Copy Cat - Conscious Camp 2017

I'm sorry if I copy you, your accents seem to filter through and this is the first time I've met so many from the north to find so much warmth and self worth not the dearth of passion I sometimes find where I'm from in the south and west but I jest cos that's just me and mine and it's only some of the time I'm with the entitled, rich and miserable, the ones who say things like 'it's hard to be humble when you went to Eton' but they're a mess and I stress less about things cos of you, your love, your time, your fine free loving hugs that teach me, as those heart string tugs on mine, allow me to find, my own sweet paradise inside... +

Scream Out - Conscious Camp 2017

If I get this poem out I may howl and scream and scream and shout and pout a little cos I'm shy as fuck, so it was just my luck to be my best self here with all of you or at least as much as I could manage or womanage depending on who, it was, who most recently inspired me to be me, or I made you be you, by meeting each other honestly before we go back to being the few, among the many again, leave this place of generous jazz hands silent applause from last nights dance around the fire after hours and become the change we wish to see others brave to make too, cos we're each of us a little candle that can encourage and set a little light inside another soul, and when we wake on our fair share of the pain in this world that's what we begin to do, become a tiny fragment of the one true energy and accepting that to feel our fair share of the joy that is all around this bubble of illusion, within which great yes and terrible things can occur, sets us free of it inside ourself to shine, to find our power and unique gifts, forcing shifts and lifts us up so that we can put out a hand and give our brothers and sisters a higher place to land or maybe we get behind them to give em a leg up instead of the kick up the backside we got when we honoured all the pain and shame and guilt and stuff that stops them from asking the questions that we knew we were the answer to since the day we were born.  As torn as I am or was between the old and the new, I could only break through, when I met all of you.

Cosmic Stardust - Conscious Camp 2017

I had another poem writ and this is just a bit of it, cos when I made it up, twas in the space behind my face betwixt my dreams and waking up, so this is just a tribute to the greatest thing I've ever thunked, a few of the lines inside my mind that came and went like a choccie biccie dunked and sunked with relish and forcing myself to cherish all the parts of me is tough but lush and  giving the bums rush to being my own hater and worst enemy, has lead me to be a better person generally, when I've seen so much chunky generosity this beautiful experience lived so consciously over the coming and past few days, it reminds me of the hazy, lazy, crazy time, I first realised that my body is my mind and not just the bit inside my head, and it's energy and floating cosmic star dust and all these revelations take me back to the beginning of this story to the glory that is feeling like a wholly holy being who isn't learning but remembering, isn't making mistakes as much as taking leaps and flights of fancy and faith, within a dream world safe and true and when I say that, I mean meeting all of you made mine come true.   Thankyou

No One - Conscious Camp 2017

No-one is only what you think they are, just from what you see, they're just so much more than that when you go with what you feel from them and let your instincts free.  They surprise you so that all your expectations make you seek, the reasons why you judged them, categorised and sized them up and made up your version of their story.  SO when you meet a new person, don't let movies and t.v. make up your mind about who they are because it makes you weak.  It's like a train inside your brain that only goes from a to b and when released can travel anywhere to let their truth, set you free :) + <3

Rainbow Warrioress! - Conscious Camp 2017

97% or more of this universe is the raw imagination of creation so called dark matter that lies as above and so below and around each atom where it floats in space right in its place inside our face and heart and belly and tum and bum and a fart releases that quantum concious cosmic brain gas and yes that's not a pretty picture but neither is suggesting that only 3% or less of us is light cos to my mind we're so much more than that, like a funny joy filled party balloon we raise such a smile on someone else's face when we choose to celebrate our sunny side and glide around this place, with a positive intention and a burning desire to lose the bad mad sad old human race going on inside us if we let it rule us from the start but decide instead to win by loving each and every one just the same, forget the idiocy going on inside our brains to be centred where a rose blooms in the crimson palace of our heart within a beautiful garden on an island on a lake within an island on a lake within an island where it's all green and brown and lush and when we sit beneath the rose tree it's actually a wishing bush, where it's best to come on up with lovely things for others to see and be and do and receive in the way of an unselfish gift to heal their wounds and lift them to a higher place we've discovered amongst the sound that came from the source of all this stuff we've found, by seeing, tasting, feeling, hearing and smelling what is out there then, sensing what's going on inside, to find the goddy bit that hides and bides it's time since it finished making it all up inside that endless eternal imagination, thought what shall i do next? Ummmm Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm :) +