Life Review

I  heard that when you die you have a life review and phew that sounds like what I've been through.  I was visited by parts of myself, people from my past, memories and seeing events again more clearly, going over my life in terms of blame and shame and guilt and over the hours, days and weeks into the months as I came out of it I realised that some of it was true, some of it made up by me, some of it maybe even by someone else, you see I've been on this journey for a few years, how far back do I go?  I don't know, let's say 2009 when I chanted the Maha Mantra for the waking hours of seven days and that night went to bed on red wine, half a bottle nothing major mind you, but when I woke up at 2am or thereabouts I heard a female voice, now let's put this into context, that was at the end of the first week I had been completely free of marijuana in years, or at least since the only time I was free of a smoke of high strength cannabis was on holidays abroad back in the day that was my only time without it in my system, so this voice says you are unique but nothing special, you're a link in a chain, a cog in a machine, softening over the years into a thread in an elven rope, a part of a greater whole that will experience and get done what it means to with or without me, my help, my involvement, so there's that whole chapter, before that i was pretty sure I was going to be approached by the illuminati, kidnapped and indoctrinated by them whilst visiting Mont Segur, or the cave paintings of the south of france, or maybe even just pretend to be one of them and destroy them from the inside out and leave free.

I know what that stuff does to you over time, I'm glad I don't use it anymore, and it doesn't use me to spread insanity throughout the world but mostly leading me to daft and unwise adventures, of mind and body too.

So, back to the life review, here I saw the things I've done in clearer terms, I know the difficulty folks who have chosen to become unconcious face when they decide they no longer want to be numb, blind, deaf and generally unaware of the world around them, it worked for me for many years, to save me from joining in, I watched as my friends coupled up, got married, had kids, all things I was terrified to fail at having had very little experience, terrible communication skills, you can create a self fulfilling prophesy if you so wish and make it last forever and a day, or at least until your last, I always favoured acting when absolutely necessary, when force into action, it leads to some anxiety because by that time your back is against the wall, I let others handle a lot of things I would have been better getting some experience in too, confidence and learning a lot about life, you all make it seem so easy and I was afraid to ask, because intimacy is even more scary, even conversation but I don't want to go over old ground too often, in the past I said I never repeated myself but I know that I've been circling this airport  for a while and going over and over and same subjects i hope it's not too boring for whoever it is who reads this, for me it's a necessity, to write what wants to come out and finish something, I was never that good at that either, with several books on the go at once, lists of things to do.

That never got done, but I did first aid, self defence, pushed myself out the door to avebury and revelled in the company of strangers because I could dip in and explore on my own terms, be more open, courageous without those i knew around, the freedom to be me felt good, and so hearing about this pilgrimage thing in spain I jumped at the chance to explore and the money came around, the time to do it and so I got there.

To me it's been like dying while i'm alive, so that I can face myself too, an honest appraisal of who i am, who i have been, who i choose to be in the future, what i plan for my body, mind and everything else whatever there is, because my spiritual life is important to me, the rabbit hole still beckons so I have to peer further.

Does it flash before our eyes when we are in a close shave, a near miss, some have had near death experiences and I know I am probably more interested in this that some others, who would rather only face this stuff when the time comes, not me, bardo, between sleep and waking, life and death I am looking.

The abyss beckons, if there is nothing after this, or something, heaven, other planes of existence, a return to this world or another, I've seen and experienced things in the last year alone that would make most peoples hair curl, I wonder just how much of my experiences were created by me, from what I have heard about?

How much of it was authentic, there already waiting to be seen, felt, smelt, tasted and touched, sensed.

Outside of the norm, the normal life of just working and sleeping seems so boring to me, I want to explore, but I honour that others would rather watch t.v. live their lives with others, when I am doing more of that.

Connecting, healing, doing healing, last night for instance after church I stayed behind to give healing to a guy who has a bad back and always comes to see my teacher for a healing, so I attended and helped to send it.

We both worked to become like a lightning rod for energy to come from the other realms and be sent to this guys back, to work as a conduit, like a cosmic fuse between heaven and earth, so that's all positive really.