thought experiment

when shown a photograph of their young self and then asked to remember the story of a hot air balloon flight with family, a volunteer in an experiment will create memories of actually having taken part in it even though the photograph was faked, photoshopped as they say, the volunteer has mulled it over and assumed they must have gone on the trip, will even start to remember all sorts of details about the journey and company.

So we are not very good witnesses, our memories are fallible and I know that I am certainly an example of that, in my minds eye, or at least in my memory, the faces of people I have met before are caricature there and when i see them again, i can be quite confused as to what they actually look like as compared to memory, but that's me and I know that others can do things like store an image in their mind for later.

Some of these things are personal, and the effect I am talking about today is how we can remember things differently to how they actually occurred, but also how they might actually have happened differently depending on who you are, literally the possibility that different folks have different recollections of events because they actually experienced a different version of events, because we all have our own reality.

Some of us share the same one, many of us seem to live in our own worlds, i certainly did and do, i find it hard to focus on others, on what they are saying and am easily distracted, more and more of these foibles of mine seem to be coming to the fore, so many habits, thought forms, ways of doing things are under the microscope as i wonder and notice them more often, things such as my handwriting can change greatly.

Mood perhaps, of all sorts of simple explanations, am i a different person from moment to moment, from minute to minute are there minute changes, given that nothing is static, everything is moving, we are vibrating, resonating with each other, thinking and feeling the same things, coming to understandings, a shared experience of what it means to be alive, to be human, to feel pain and joy and expectations met or not.

I would like to think and hope springing from deep within says that i am capable of noticing these things for a good reason, despite my past indiscretions, whatever the cause, for falling into temptations, for not starting the way i would like to continue, and having to augment what i thought i new, with all sorts of better versions, new opinions, of myself and others, more realistic, clearer, more concious of the difference between stories.

The ones we tell ourselves and others, that are fixed because we've told them so many times we believe them to be true, the ones we are told by the media, which are a business mans idea of what we ought to think, they govern what journalists can write, and set the agenda, we are so switched off from politics because they are so out of touch with just how damaged the world is and no-one in their position wants to take the credit.

Who would want to be one of the few so called leaders, when they are in charge of a planet in crisis and a system that will not change as fast we we need it to, for the sake of the species of life including ourselves, we are no doubt in the sixth great extinction right now, ecosystems are on the brink and us with it, oceans are toxic and will soon reach the limit of what they can provide a population that is already not well fed globally.

All the signs say that there is going to be a giant natural disaster, we are overdue massive volcanic eruptions in yellowstone, and comet or other heavenly body impacts and so long past the time when glaciation ought to have restarted that this interglacial period, in geological terms seems out of character but then look are our impact on the climate, whether you believe it is changing because of what we have done or not, it's hot out.

So I know that if someone wished to put doubt in our minds, wished to lead us all into a state of confusion they could do this quite easily by changing things around us, in order to make us all feel nervous, make us fear that our own selves are losing the plot as they say, losing our grip on reality, i've been there, i've seen things that were not real, not there for others to see, or at least i have seen things that were a product of fear.

In other words or in the same ones, i saw things this spring that were physical representations of my fears.
To put it plainly, my worst fantasies of hellish proprtions and my greatest dreams of heavenly perfection both came to pass, i have faced the worst of myself and the best, been deeper within that i thought possible, had my truth shown to me in a way that almost lead to hospitalisation and would surely lead some to doubt me.

So i become an unreliable witness, someone who others might not take seriously, having experienced visions, internal fantasies of terrible things happening, acting on them although in my case in such a way that i would never behave other than to act in self defence, never going on the attack, i was given an opportunity to prove that when the chips are down i will do the right thing, go to save someone i don't like from a burning fire.

Fear the worst, but change my ways, now you could say that was some kind on manipulation, do those who have sinned, have a clearer path to righteousness, does their fear of persecution of retribution from on high, or a journey to somewhere down below bring them to a state of ecstasy and exegesis of the story of their life, giving me in this case a chance to turn from the person i was into something more akin to who i was when i was born because i don't feel like i was always on the trajectory that i ended up on.  Rambling a bit now but it's important to me, for me, to come back to where this all started.  Are we being shown signs, because i know some would say you ask for a sign and one is given.  A feather, white ones in my case.  I find them and i take them to be a good omen, especially when I've been doing good work, becoming me.

Becoming the person, a version, a specific expression of the many people inside, all the different ones.  Did things change for some of us so that we remember the past in such graphic ways that for some Nelson Mandela died in prison in the eighties, why do the product changes in the u.s. make things that people remember clearly like adult nappies called depends, change to depend, lines in films that don't make sense.

The changes seem to be drawing our attention, or the attention of anyone who cares to be drawn to this phenomenon, that of the 11:11 phenomenon too, who knows how many different omens there are out there, we have such a negative viewpoint on so many things, for good reason, life was hard, it isn't fair but in many ways is becoming more and more so, even though there are struggles ahead, major challenges, we can do it.

I am sure that we can come together, the things that good people are doing in the world, the freedom to work together in ways that we could only dream of in the past, through connection via internet, the dialogue that can go on between peoples of the world, to support and connect us energetically as we finally see that we are connected on the level of what happens to you effects me, wherever we are in the world as a whole.

It's hard to remain positive, because so much of the media focusses on telling us who died today somewhere, constantly the families of those who have been bereaved are not given any privacy, the media want blood, want drama to portray, and then they are on to the next story of woe, but never the real issues, that nothing seems to be done about, fukushima, refugees not terrorism, wars that cause this, our impact on nature.

Let's end on a good note, if that's possible after all this doom and gloom, i know others have told me the world is my lobster, trying to lighten my mood, but im repentant, i don't lighten up easily, my sense of humour was mostly drug abuse allowing me to be numb and blind and now i can see i have to act on my conscience, i have to do the right things, draw attention when i feel it needs to be drawn, even if that makes me stand out.

That's the risk I have to take because I have become aware of god, of the goodness that we need more of, aware of eternity, concious of the need for me to do more than just have a good time and that's it, i have to spend at least a lot more of my time thinking how i can improve the lives of others, those close, even though my guilt at my past behaviour makes it hard for me to feel worthy of their love and respect in a vicious circle.

I guess this is the continuation of what i have tried to do for the past several years and over the course of my life it's become more and more obvious that face to face is not my area, unless i can get over my self conciousness, over the fact that im concious of being in the presence of someone i don't feel comfortable being around, in a place i don't feel comfortable being in, other peoples houses, lives, i'm a loner who loves.

Loves being around those i can discuss the ultimate truth with when i ought to be learning more about strangers until they become friends, finding it hard to take any interest in someone that i don't get a good feeling about, or feel as though i am just going through the motions with, those that i ought to know well but don't and fear i never will before it's too late, but then as they say it's never too late, let's hope so eh?

Never to late for a miracle every day, every hour, every minute until we live in a fair world, one that honours those who honour others and themselves in turn, where what you do is more important than what you say because you rarely say anything at all, never anything that will hurt someone's feeling, only sharing what you feel not what you think, connecting on a level that takes us to empathy not sympathy for the world around us.