sorry doesn't cover it

sorry mum and dad and sis,
i haven't been a good son.
haven't been good for,
to, with, anyone so.
Sorry for the times,
I took it all and you,
for granted and didn't,
give anyone or anything,
a chance to become more.
Important to me, loved, given
chances to make mistakes and
i haven't made great shakes at all.
Did we fall, as a species, as a world?
Were we thrown down here, hurled down,
chucked  into the trash, dust to dust, ash to ash.
Given a little hope and the tiniest thing called a choice,
use your voice, feel powerless but nonetheless we can try.
To make a difference  in someone elses life, see them smile, once
or twice, in a while, walk a little distance in their shoes, a step, a mile.
I wanna find out more about why, but when I try I'm focussed on me, mine,
there's not much there, it's just an over-abundance of a lack of caring, sharing,
it brought me to my knees, and reverence for trees and shoots and leaves and more.
Sore now, feeling like my body wants to age in an instant, feeling others sorrow as though,
it were mine, is that empathy, empathic, crying with not for another, because you make me feel it.

Wasn't I always fond of being away from strong emotions, from exaggerations, and lately I can't blame
can't find fault with another without seeing how much of it is mine, to begin with, or in common with.
Lame, and shamed, and no unnecessary games to play, no more today, tomorrow, or again so.

Let us all realise one day the ways that we got it wrong, I can't be holding you responsible.

Wanting nothing more than to finally end this up and down routine, do something good.

Wholly, holy, fulfilling, willing, trying not to self destruct, eat myself to death not.

Wanting to die in the wilderness and rot, not buried, or fall into a hole.

Not costing someone to service my dead flesh or speak of it.

There's either something more to life beyond this.

Or there isn't and it's an accident and,

well superstitious nonsense.

Creations of myths.

Love of god.

A gift.

We.

Gave.

Ourselves,

to make sense

of all the darkness.

All the weirdness, mystical.

Lyrical poetic feeling of energies.

I've felt it, dealt it if it wasn't another.

If it wasn't a lie or madness that I told.

Something I could tell another, behold, old.

New, borrowed, blue, never married, related.

Dated, bold, coward, hidden, scared, fairing less,

daring less, able to see  more, depths, unfolding out.

Are we possessed those of us who psychologically know.

Feel, extole, express, like a bad head cold, thoughts I don't.

Daren't say, like a nasty thing to spray on someone elses face.

Don't because it would hurt them and it isn't how I feel inside, out.

Was I so dejected that I never carried enough introspection, or shout?

I just went off to find some peace and quiet to be alone with what I wished.

Fantasised, lived lies, dreams that could never come true, saw you get married.

Saw you all do the things I was too afraid to even dare to follow through on.

Sung songs, from the tops of the trees, made friends, with the ground.

Not so profound, enjoying letting it all out, no such thing, a pout.

Finding this flowing is my only way of knowing, what I feel.

Getting in touch, the tears come easy, makes it hard.

To be around, when it happens in public, you.

You lot don't take kindly but hey, so what.

It's cool, I'll try to do the right thing.

By me, by us, by you, more.

Land again onshore.

Smiling as the dogs,

are called not to echo,

the little deers, barking, woodland, cries of i'm here, sod off, neighbouring male muntjack.

They're so cute, small, the young of the deer, fallow, roe, barking deer are around again.

I'll go to the caravan and meditate again, no drink for me, i've cut right down everything.

Taken to taking pills, oh well, try what the doctor ordered, vitamins, b12, iron, d3 later.

Winter blues held off, aches and pains, strains when I've had two weeks with no work,

find something i can do to pay my way and release me from debts, try to find a place.

I can live out my days I see it as a pain, that I am, I know that I don't seek your life,

to be in it, to have your company, i do it as a need I have to help you out, see you.

But I miss folks less and less, have gradually gotten used to going back to yes,

wishing i had a cabin in the woods, some water, grow food, be alone, help.

Reduce my outgoings and needs, have the basics, see how i grow, feel.

We'll see, it's been hard to work out the difference between what.

What they say is psychosis, and obviously i wasn't right right?

I don't remember so I was someone else, not concious.

That causes one a fright, take stock, don't do it.

Unable to know what's what, long time ago.

Meeting those who were involved in the conversations that went on in my head, that I took to be with my higher self, or with the folks who my internal representations were of, three loves of my life, three women I would dearly loved to have known better, to have been friends with and of course more than that, I once, when asked, said, that I didn't think having kids was in my destiny for this life, and maybe that was true.

I wouldn't wish this, misunderstanding, to be the fate of another, certainly not you, so leave it there.

Know that maybe, one day I will understand, stand under, deliver, were they feelings, thoughts, knowledge from a previous incarnation,  do I just have a face that others think is common, similar to others faces, i thought perhaps there were some mystical reasons for the knowledge i had instinctively, naturally, of massage, or kundalini, my finger tips drawn to the spine, breathing techniques, subconcious programmes, maybe i have gotten in touch with that, the deep dark ocean of what was previously unconcious depths, the beast could be the animal nature, parts I've seen and heard expressed by others, that felt disgusting, i've been there, in desperation, loneliness, wondering, about my future, what might come to me, then lately all this talk internally, of death, my own, and those of all my family that will come to us all of course, in its own time, as though that is all i have to look forward to if i'll never have a friend, a lover, just everyone around me passing by, on, and then me at some point, having degenerated, gotten old and feeble, as memories fade, hoping, beyond hope that i've done some good in this world and that i wish i could say sorry to a certain someone, don't wanna open old wounds, a few someones actually, better let it lay i think, feel, leave it, let them fade from my life, that way I won't feel this need to blow so hot and cold, just do my thing, train as a healer, whether first aid again, courses, something greater if i felt i could handle it, someone told me, become a paramedic, st john ambulance i thought, someone told me, become a Samaritan, train, give an evening, save a life, as i thought i had saved one before, putting me in credit, i've been so close to god, goddess, goodness, before, and recently over the last five, six years, given to all these expectations of death after life, not the other way around, a death that lasts forever, rather than a life, asking, getting obsessed, everything talks of it, most people don't notice it, going on around them, they do their best not to, speak of it, think of it, until they must so I won't bring it up, let them as we all do deal with what is in front of us, right now, sorry, i love you, i forgive you, thank you, they say it's fine to talk to yourself as long as you don't argue.  Every thought is responded to with don't, don't do this, don't do that, I never did care for myself too much, cleaned my teeth enough, bad habits caught, i felt that others didn't know what they were saying and that I knew better, dentists, doctors, what do they know, their model is wrong, disney sold me a lie, or did I bring what i felt, feel in my heart from somewhere better than the fiction of movies and t.v?  Did I get this love, this feeling that life ought to be fair from inside not out?  Didn't I come to this life, with a need to scream and shout, to hold my hand out, and wish the best for others, give them a chance to reach up higher than this earth, to heaven?

Who knows, we'll see, damned if you do, if you don't, will they won't they, I won't, I will, my will, is love.

I've been on both sides of the great divide on this side of life as they say at my spiritualist church, too scared.

To contact the friend who I think loved me a little too much, or the ones I loved too much a lot, my own fiction, my own conviction, that I never got right, never balanced out the difference between a crush, and hanging out as friends with, without, speaking, getting to know folks, family even, people, I don't know them, I hear them talk about, each other, the ones who are gone, they knew them, I didn't, how can a thought inside my head use the name jon, or phrases like please don't do this to yourself, when I smoke a fag?

A third person, not me, not you, then who?  Someone nice from afar, someone nasty close, i wish not to ever be diagnosed, so i tread a line myself, keeping my cards close, feeling morose, today was the first day in a while where I didn't think it would be easier if i was already gone, but not in the way that I would do owt, my cowardice, don't worry really, don't read this stuff if it makes you think this is anything but an intellectual dilemma, because i get my ass off the bed, and go and do stuff, for others, for money, gotten round to it now, not going to fall back on others again, won't wait too long, before I find another job, see if i can get past three months, without seeing the future spreading out, and knowing I can't do this any more, commit to this, just need to spend a couple of years not going out much, pay them back and save up, who knows maybe i won the lottery, i don't do that monotony that you do, but i got a ticket for tonight anywhoo, it's getting late, i missed a walk to see the sunset again, my hips were hurting, all sorts of aches, i'm holding myself differently since i started qi gong, tai chi, it goes by many names, maybe that's the reason, we'll see, i'm, waffling.

Night night, a friend is coming over, i hope to enjoy our time together, see if i can see them right in their own battle to choose what to do with their life, i made a big mistake, temptation whatever you want to call it, the choice as i would describe it leaves me with what i thought was a chance to go away which is what i did, i went to start over and i did, all the old friends have left my life, i don't treat them well, consistently, so we'll see, this ever-ready phrase, it's what i expect at the end of my days, to see what's what, my dreams are so incredible, like they can be as scary in the moment but not when i awake, as though im facing darkness, seeing what shakes free, but also incredibly, beautiful, i needed them back, so not smoking stuff works, all sorts of faculties come back, i even saw something in my minds eye when receiving healing the other week.