the death and rebirth of a healer

so what does it feel like to meet all of your romantic fantasies and alter egos and personality traits in one go?

pretty fucking epic and terrible and projections onto other people are removed as you learn as you go.

This weekend was mostly about going back to childhood to see whether I feel like a man yet.

So I had to cower under a tree and wonder is shamanism evil, what about ceremonies?

Of course they are not but much of our energy is locked up in those parts.

The parts of us that have wild and chilling dream images of people.  The world was ending and the energy of  a darkness was going to engulf the world so in that moment it was necessary to freeze the movement of it and then burn that evil intent that was locked up in the animal nature only to release it like an inner bear.

So what does that look like?  Ceremonies aren't evil but it's about polarity and shame and nature and fun.

The last week has been a living hell but heavenly at the same time and i couldn't say if the last month hasn't  too, my whole appreciation of what day it is, what moment is going on at the instant of experience, is it morning, who cares, is it evening, afternoon, who cares, just do what you feel like doing for all of it.

Listen to your instincts and then go through the most exciting drama of your life only it's all in your head and so then it becomes about someone you met and cared about as a friend but never asked out, or two, or three, or four different personalities being expressed within your conciousness as though they were the people you were really talking to and then it's about the fear of rejection and the projections within your mind that are like the person you knew a long time ago, meeting all of the women who i have ever loved and let's face it there have been many crushes but few relationships that i would call more than friends and that's my baseline, if we're friends, maybe i fancy you and i need to say it so that we can be friends first but it's out in the open, and then it's about standing up for yourself and not losing yourself to that person so you can share the same space without feeling as though there is a  power struggle going on and then, and then, and then.

Psychologically stressful would be an understatement but as i felt myself grow from a stupid fifteen year old into a sixteen year old virgin and then onto eighteen within my own mind suddenly the confidence comes back from wherever it went or was projected onto and then you have to check yourself for any other personas hidden within you, the maid, the crone, the father, the mother, the son, the daughter, joker.

So over the last month of completely losing interest in writing because any poems i used to write are better in my head on the fly, conversations with those personas that are created on the fly also as though you were communicating with those archetypes within your own mind, asking them questions about reality, seeing something so incredible in the sky that it beggared belief and that then becomes a part of the narrative and then evil incarnate itself which is just the intent to do something to yourself that you would never do to someone else so that you can accept that there are parts of us that didn't love ourselves enough to grow up and change and feel like they are worthy.  So you go on, now there are more and more conversations going on at the same time and you know the people in question well enough to hear their voices in your conciousness so you talk to them and gain the experience that you have denied yourself to become confident in the situations that they would deal with, the role model, the father figure that I never thought I would ever be, the mother who is a carer and sharer and teacher and the lover within you that knows you have a sexual energy and desire.  The scariest part of the shamanic or shawomanic initiation was laying on the cold hard ground with all sorts of noises around, the wind blowing hard, the rain coming down, the fears of the animal nature projected out until you are there in a shallow grave you have created for yourself and laid out on and naked if you don't mind the intrusion of the feeling that there is something wrong with being out in the wilds in that way and you lay there waiting for wild animals to come and predate you but maybe they are the spirits of the ones you have eaten at some time in the past and all your feelings of inadequacy pass by and away again.

So yes it was tough to have so many things going on at once and i'm so glad to have let go of so many of the folks of the past, literally defused and confused and then detached all forms of attachment to those i would have loved more if only I had made the effort to get in touch and then realising that I would like to know how they are but this process is so profound and the healing so deep that it makes me into the healer I need to be for others let alone my own self and then redemptive suggestions come to mind of the kind that are about taking confessions from those who wish to give them because you confess your sinstincts and winstincts and in the middle are the instincts to yourself and those archetypes until you know what others would think of your habits bad or good and somehow that informs every decision you make so for instance I have come to see maintenance of those relationships that I have let atrophy as very important now that I have gone through this stage once again.

Is it over?  Yes apparently but that's my instinct and who knows when I've had a rest maybe there will be more and then my body is sculpted by work, diet, the process itself into the body of an eighteen year old.

I've never been healthier or fitter given my veggie diet and the occasional slip as a treat like a packet of crisps.  But then a little of what you fancy does you good so to deny yourself those things would be like going cold turkey which is or was my favourite way of handling my need to quit hard rather than be weaned off of those things like smoking, drinking, any form of lusting which is what non loving connections are about, all addictions are a lack of connection so that when you break, brake and shake up and snip the attachments you have to people who let's face it you don't have any sort of relationship to in this moment but may have had in the past, you realise how difficult it is to work out how you feel if you are always thinking too much.

I have to thank those who have given me any support in the four years since my spiritual emergency that slowly became a spiritual emergence and ive gone through the thirteen step process of having to let go of all sorts of those things, given there are thirteen lunar months of four weeks of seven days and one day of the year that is for nothing but renewal and to have faith in a higher power, not get into relationships because I was not in a fit state, looping back and forth between a high and mighty confidence at some points and then falling down again so that I can plateaux at a higher level once I've been two steps up and one forward or one one, or two down, or whatever it takes to learn the lessons of the last three years of shamanic initiation to become a healer only.

I am building something soon, whether it's a little community or just a hut at home for others to come and stay in, it will be the culmination of years of planning and this is the third time I have felt ready so I am then.

FINALLY!  Sorry to those who got chewed up and spat out while I had to spend the time in the wilderness.

To become a man in this society is not easy, where are our three day walkabouts or coming of age ceremonies so that we face the fact that as a teenager or young man we need others so we come back a changed person, capable of seeing that we cannot be upset or angry all the time and temper our emotions.

I've been in constant tears, laughter, and it has shown, I would not have wished to put that on anyone else.

So it goes on, feeling like the man I always wished I was, going out into the world with no plans just a hunch, feeling as though there are no challenges to face but my fears and they must be dealt with constantly, standing under a cold shower before a hot one because that shocks the body, standing naked in the rain in the woods.

These things are not easy and the child kicks up an almighty stink and so does the society, the well mannered insider that says people are watching, someone might come past, what if I'm seen, is it wrong to be naked?

Acting out whatever comes into your head that feels good because you need to accept and surrender and believe you me I took plenty of hankerchiefs as white flags to show people that it is ok to let it all go whilst shitting your pants not literally although even those sort of tasks become a sign of an energy leaving you.

Do all the things that scare you enough and regularly so they do not have any power over you and love it all.