truth telling as i see it

alrighty then! time for some more truth telling AGAIN!
two years ago at waveform festy i ate some hash
cake and then a 2c something given to me
no-one said dont do them together
and i spent the next 8 hours
dripping with sweat and
naked occasionally
psychotically looping through a series of events from our pasts
our presents and all of our futures... being god from the start
to the end of time. Quite a responsibility for someone whose
done their best to avoid it as much as possible until recently
I was told it would take up to three years to recover whilst
knowing i was on a rollercoaster growing up finally after
a lifetime of misery and pain being different feeling like
a fraud a fake a freak and a pain in the asshole to all
to be told i needed professional help from someone
who obviously does need counselling is the worst
i could have heard today... You all think your
safe as the houses you live in but it's all a
sham, a shame and frankly disgusting.

I sought help when i needed it, dr's
who saw me and offered me courses
in anger management, anxiety, stress
didn't care, they wanted me out o' there
as soon as possible no not another one???

this year i had a return to a positive process
my true friends got in touch and in truth it was
the women in my life who saved me, some just
by being there for me, or listening, some like two
i can remember their names, ************** and
********** but i wont tag them im sure they won't
mind anyway. I needed to be alone with my pain and
to revisit my youthful indiscretions, which i did although
it was a hellish existence last year and painful emotionally
this one, to have to face the fantasies of the female psyche
the dreams of a princess in shining armour to come to rescue
a me now bereft of all ties and hurting those close by involving
them in a process that should happen to each and every one of us

WHEN WE'RE GROWING UP! Not at the age of fucking forty x
you're juvenile delinquents who never faced being truly alone in your
whole lives until you have to, avoiding pain as much as you can instead
of facing it head on and learning from it, receiving signals, the messages
pain can bring to teach you where you stand, in your own life and others...

So yes i have suffered at my own hands, had to relive my worst mistakes
had to forgive myself and others and grow up and move on
but i wudn't change a thing, i regret no thing
not losing a friend who thinks she's safe
not losing another who i really liked
or yet another i havent lost
but don't know how
to find again...
im just
loving
love
x
thanks go to those who deserve it
derision to those who also failed
to see the truth and still do
just keep on thinking
theve got the plot
not lost it like
everyone
else who
never
knew it in the first place
I do, i'm connected
to everything
everyone
loving
love
x