You talk a lot but you dont say much - Kick the bucket - Action replay

You talk a lot but you dont say much

I hear, I say a lot of things.   Words pour out, descriptions of my worldview, I disagree based on my own internal viewpoint, on what I feel is right, when asked a question information pours into my mind.  Ask away, I can only give it out as it comes to me.  The problem is that I am full of fear, less so these days.  I will keep on working towards the day when it is gone, keep pushing myself and if I can only learn to do so, keep pushing you all too.  I have to temper what I tell you, have to make sure I feel like it's going to help you, check to see if I think you can accept hearing what you need to hear from me, will you resent me?

I tell you what you need to hear, then you chuck it back in my face, I give you a compliment and at the same time I tell you the truth of who you are.  You have to accept one to take the other.  You listen, it goes in one ear and hangs around inside whilst you ask yourself, is he right? Is that true?  All the while you deny it, you try your best not to accept what you already know, and in the end if I was right I don't tell you so.  You know it, I know it, it's merely a case now that you can work with your new information, without the problem of having to work out who was right or wrong, WHAT is right or wrong is the most important thing.

I don't want praise, although it feels so nice, I don't want a medal, or a certificate, or a fortune.

I'm doing what I believe to be the right thing, cos it's all I know how to do.

So when you talk and I get bored it's cos I know you are making it up.

Or repeating one of your favourite stories, even though it's fiction.

I do my best not to interrupt  but I often know where it's going.

I will try harder to shut the fuck up and let you talk.

As I'm not always right, but hold my hand up.

I'm sorry and I apologise if I need to.

Making mistakes and learning.

Try to listen to yourself.

Listen to others.

Hear more.

Talk less.

-

Kick the bucket

So there are many sayings...  I like them, the older the better, some kind of hidden wisdom from ages past.

Kicking the bucket means to die
A gypsies' kiss is slang for a piss

Someone told me that when two gypsies were married they would piss in a bucket.  I don't know how much truth there is in that, but I thought today, what if they were linked?  Perhaps if there were rituals, natural ways of opening up to each other, or showing others how much you were connected...  maybe the bucket if kicked, meant someone killed you for getting piss on them?  Why does kicking the bucket mean that you have died?  I'm going to research both of these things.

The difficulty is that I am now finding much more truth to come from within.  What I can read in books, what I see out there, what I can learn from others, I'm taking it all with a pinch of salt, (why a pinch of salt?)...

Oh great more things to look up.  The truth is a mixture of others versions of reality.

Others written records, opinions, feelings on the matter we call life.

Not sure I trust other people enough to tell the truth.

They lie so readily, to protect themselves.

I like to tell the truth, it's easier.

I can't tell it all, but mostly.

I had to learn to lie...

I don't like it.

It hurts me.

Hurts you.

Hurts us.

All.

-

Action Replay

When you get home after a long day, and retell the stories of things that happened to you, you are actually reliving those times.  Athletes rehearse their events mentally, Formula 1 drivers go through the perfect lap in their minds, we all practise what we are going to say to someone or what we should have said, we spend lots of our precious time actually IN the past or the future and it's all wasted.  Actually it isn't ALL wasted ;)

If you've had a bad time of it, don't relive it, you're going through the emotions and the motions, you are really doing yourself a disservice.  If you workout what you should have said, say it, otherwise what's the point of coming up with the perfect comeback? ;)  What needed to be said, needs to be said.

We all do this or at least we've all done it, I prefer to live in the moment as that is the only time we truly have.  Now, not then, not when, NOW. NOW NOW NOW NOW..  It's my new mantra.  I still suffer from the temptation to dream about things having gone differently, because I'm such a coward, but courage comes when I realise what I'm doing and say oi mush stop it.  It's a procedure, a plan of action, a way of dealing with the world that I find such a scary assed maelstrom.

I'm just at a different stage of a process, learning to listen to my gut feelings, my hearts instincts and do less thinking rationally.  We're all on the path, if we could only accept that.  I was really disheartened (dis-heart-ened) all my life that I felt different and wanted to be normal, now I know it's only going to go one way for me in the future, I have to accept my place in this zigsaw that we call life, I have to move past the accepted habits and societal influences and just be myself to the best of my ability, otherwise I will wake up one day and go FUCK!  What a dick!  Either that or death will come for me at the appointed time, on or around the date of my expected departure, give or take a few years, months, weeks, days, hours, minutes or moments, depending on the choices I make for the rest of my life and I'll say hey there, it's time right?

For me there is a change taking over the world, an evolution of behaviour, morals are coming back, all sorts of fucked up things are being revealed, as truth becomes the norm and lies become the old way of doing things.  We've covered up a lot of stuff, others have made it their goal to behave in ways that are frankly sick-making and wrong.  As far as I can see, we're on a positive curve of self improvement, that may have lasted the entire lifespan of the universe for many of us, going from nothing to something to everything.

Let's make our glimpse of the picture the most expansive that we can.  I want to know the truth, the whole truth and nothing but.  I've asked to see the puzzle explained.  I've been told I will see a corner revealed and then the others and more and new parts and still more, and then finally see what's going on really.  I've been told I will reach nirvana and as I believe that everything is a self fulfilling prophesy, what we say or think or do, makes some things more likely, others impossible and yet others totally likely.

So working towards what I want to achieve in this existence is my priority, there's lots of side quests in this adventure, I'm lonely again, before I couldn't feel it, I couldn't feel much of anything, I was closed off, shut down, had built extensive walls up around me, to close myself off, to keep myself safe, to prevent mistakes, to prevent love, to prevent losing myself to someone else, to stop what I saw as the dangerous liasons that most of us call life.  I've lived so many times, I've seen so many things, I am in the flow, I am on course.

I'm starting to regain my powers, but I'm so lazy, previous visits have made me very shy, very cautious, I've been killed a lot, been put to death, been subjugated, been made to feel like I was in the wrong, that I was somehow given to understand the wrong message.  I don't know where I'm going, I just follow my instincts.

I have no hard and fast plan, just a desire to keep going wherever the wind blows, this wind of change.

The end result?  I don't have a clue, ok I have a clue, but even that is shrouded in mystery.

Will I trust enough?  Can I recover my lost memory?  Will we all?

All I know for certain is love is the key.

Loving, sending it out, feels safe.

I'm scared still, loving is new.

Who will be there?

Just me?  You?

Let's see.

Love
Jon
x