Wednesday 5 May 2021
Sunday 4 April 2021
Tuesday 29 December 2020
The end of the world may be the beginning of a new one
So it's not as close to a death, a betrayal yes but not grieving this time as I quit drinking and smoking things one last time. Again...
What a nightmare a period of such self recrimination, self examination, shame.
How? When I wrote in July how disappointed I was with myself, how much better I though felt this year would have gone without such things going on.
It's a massive let down, a fall backwards into death, my own and I can only hold my head in shame and denial would be too good for me, I can just feel the utter ridiculousness of saying any of this at all.
Addict! Guilty! Liar! Cheat, scum, I've changed. No hair, no beard, no hippy clothes, a haircut and a shave and new things to wear, a new image, new backpack, thanks to those who still give a shit about me, I've been here before but this time it was worse, maybe more acute than others.
This felt like hell and I'm not joking. Hold on this won't be pleasant. Skewed perspective, yes we've been there before. Feelings of a grandeur I dont deserve. Wanting to take on the system, the world. Show them, shake them awake and into knowledge of things I feel they need to learn, openness and honesty without thought for others or the total lack of empathy, yes empathy, when as a healer practitioner I ought to know better.
So back again, wishing the world would end only to discover it has already, no more openness, no more travelling when that's what I've been doing, looking for a semi permanent home, moving between friends places, never feeling like I could stay, wishes bot being horses and self image ruined and burnt to the ground again.
This time its hygiene, mine, self care, habits picked up on the streets, in squats, when it comes to sharing, in hippy life when it comes to caring about others, mask wearing, not doing that for a month in the summer or at all abroad. So I died again.
It could have been real but I hope I know it was just another me, from the past dying.
Songs and tv shows from my youth and childhood coming back, mental imagery I haven't seen, streets I knew vaguely coming to me, memories i haven't touched of places i barely knew but can visualise, trips and journeys i hadn't thought about, people who picked us up as hitchhiker's coming to me now, adventures as I called them.
A different idea from now on, save, earn it all, if it ever becomes possible again, clean!
Dont swear, be calm, dont have too many thoughts, out of the head, into the heart!
So, I died again, went backwards and was shown so many ways not to be. Cant be.
Do it again, be there for others, better habits, wash in the shower that's available, from caravan, to bedroom, to caravan, to porta cabin, to porta cabin, to caravan.
Back to another place I've been before, have a role, work hard, stay clean, do it.
Choosing to save, from now on, hostels.
Wild canal occasionally, get used to the cold, have a body acclimatised to the uk winter for once, no escaping to the warmer places in Europe, didnt last winter either.
Two years in spring since i was in spain last and desperate to see if a friend is alright there, save up, back pack, hostel, travel light with a day pack, santa fe, hot springs, whose there, maybe pay to see the alcazaba this time and actually get to see it this time!
Be a person not a homeless bum hitchhiker See others not notice them looking away...
Sunday 26 July 2020
The last few years are leading me on to the best of the rest of my life
Friday 5 June 2020
Sunday 5 May 2019
permaculture farming cultivating love
Wednesday 1 May 2019
thrown together
Silent enough to let them prove to you whether you need to change your perspective, or if you are seeing the world in the correct light, and yourself too, and them, keep letting go the need to hold on too tight, to anything or anyone, don't try too hard, but do attempt things, do try new things, face fears, go for it, you can do it, face the darkness within, love it all, send love to every part of you, send it everywhere, bubble around you, bubble of the world, a part of you and you a part of it too.
Feel into the day, be honest, but patient, be adventurous but careful of others feelings, accept when you are in the wrong and apologise and mean it, choose to say what seems hard to say, it needs to be heard.
Clear the air, face situations head on, go through the pain of hurting someone and being hurt yourself to become stronger for it, get your heart broken fully, into a million pieces and more, shattered, burnt, dead, alive, the fire put out before it reignites, and see it as a flickering flame instead not some passionate bushfire, out of control, take things easier, feed your own flame gently, ticking over, don't burn all the wood at once, save some for later, take it slowly enough to get to know your situation.
The person you need to know better is you, let others open up at their own pace, don't force the issue.
Accept that doing too much for them won't help them, but do whatever you can at the same time.
In service is what i promised, watching a documentary earlier i realised how far i have come, how much i have learned, how far i still have to go, how easy it is when you listen, Listen, LISTEN!
Listen to the world, the spirits of the trees and fields, to your heart itself, to others, to them, listen.
Share what you know, say what you feel, not think! Love all as if they were your own family.
Get taken advantage of occasionally, it feels better than the other way around, it gives them a chance to do the right thing, eventually it will hurt that they didn't, it will hurt them even if you don't think it does. It will teach them a lesson that you are willing to have them learn at your expense for once.
Even if they hurt you again and again, be willing to love them, be strong and say what they need to hear, say it again, be strong enough to stand in your power silently and listen until they open up.
A balance between tough love and openness, discipline and affection, willingness to learn and teach.
Clean your teeth, with bicarbonate of soda and everything else with either natural soap or vinegar.
Bathe in the freshest water you can find, don't drink tap water if you have a spring nearby.
Always eat things that make you feel good now and afterwards too, don't eat sugar.
Don't eat anything that comes in a box or packaging, in other words products.
Produce your own food, grow it, find it in hedgerows and forests.
Don't buy anything unless you really really have to.
Notice the change in you when you do.
See the world as it was meant to be.
Feel the energy, the healing come in.
Experience the headache of sugar intake.
Let your body shiver from salt and too much.
Too many calories, your liver struggling, kidneys.
The shaking within as the blood sugar level is altered.
Your body trying to work out how much energy it can take.
Rather than how much energy you can give instead with is infinite.
So don't get me wrong, i feel as though we can choose to eat less more often.
Do more with less, less money means more creative solutions to travel and everything.
More freedom to live, to feel, to see and sense in every sense of the word as we grow internally.
The world itself opens up to us when we open up to it, when we choose to experience it truly.
I know I've been there and face the unworthiness you can feel when you become happy.
The feeling of being scared to face challenges alone instead of with a good friend.
The felt need to spend time with someone special giving you courage to do it.
Getting on with what's in front of you and letting go the need to control.
Outcomes, expectations falling by the wayside, to be free again.
Watching the worlds go by as fast as the blink of an eye and not caring as we find ourselves inside love.
Loving the world is not easy when you start to see how few do, how many don't care or don't know.
Don't see, don't hear us when we try to say what needs to be said, heard, smelt, tasted, felt at all.
Thursday 25 April 2019
Give or Take
So am I creating a better world inside and outside me by not standing in my power, empowering myself to be an island of creation, a space inside and outside me for change, positive creativity, energy to transform my own life, my health, good decisions, bad ones made when induced to do so by drink or drugs, a good feeling at the time, knowing i will feel hungover in the morning or with a thick head from smoking something, that i know is for recreation, entertainment now, wasting time that could be better spent, creating a better environment around me for myself and others is the goal of this life, planet.
So, what to do, start each day with a desire, not to take but to give, not to take life from myself but to thrive and feel good, in the moment and later, knowing the changes i make benefit me, and those around me too, the world itself also, so i choose to only put into my body that which i create, or harvest from nature, or grow, or buy from a supplier who also loves this world, creates a place for us to earn a better tomorrow by honouring our own bodies today, not putting off until tomorrow what i can do better today, to bring with it a life full of energy, transformation, elation, affection for myself.
Giving pleasure to another rather than looking to get something, sex for instance, are you getting a short lived pleasure by masturbating or having sex with another, taking your pleasure from them, using their body to make you cum or pleasuring them, enjoying the moment you are in, taking a day to touch every part of their body, celebrating that they are alive, not looking for anything to come to you, then the next day kissing every inch of their skin, the next just honouring who they are by listening, by taking them into you, by becoming better yourself by giving the other person whatever they need, not desiring anything for yourself, unconditionally living by unconditionally loving, nature, your own body, leaving desire behind to see what flows from within, from outside in, by giving away all your wants, all your short term goals, to cum, which leads to the desire for another, an angry faced expression of lust, rather than a beatific featured face, body, soul, spirit, life, love, giving not taking, sharing not looking for anything but to give, but to live free of the felt need to get something, not wanting, needing only the feeling that comes from giving with no thought for yourself, what you will receive, what you can get.
If I let the choices of others sway me from what I know to be right and true I am failing them in the worst way, I need to be a shining beacon, a strong and determined example of a different way of being, carry that feeling of determination into everything I do, writing like this has been a long time coming, not angry, not anger inside, disappointment, shame, that I can make the same mistakes again and again.
SO I chose not to have sex, not to give love. To anyone I did not love, not to take anything at a cost to tomorrow, but to give, give love, give wild free food, give information freely, share what i know and have, choosing not to keep on doing what I was doing, not to cave into temptation, however good the intention of someone else, to give me what they think i need, but merely want right now, to go back or keep on allowing myself to be lead in the wrong direction, away from the affection i feel for the better me, a better them that I can see on the horizon, we will all fail to save this world and each other from each other and the world we have created, by letting others lead us, from those around us to the governments who fail to do anything other than what they think is right for them and their families and us, and for the world itself, to carry on as we have grown accustomed to behaving which is killing all life on this world for the sake of living out of harmony with nature, shitting out what we eat, consume, feeling sickened by our thoughts and actions, letting our bodies become sick, our minds, our hearts, when there really is no need, just a want, or shame, or what we did, or what we had done to us, keeping us heading in the wrong direction, making those bad choices, and for those to create a habit, inside us and around us in the world, when will we see this, become conscious enough to change it all?
When we choose as individuals to put a stake in the ground, draw a line in the sand, become sane in a world driven by crazy behaviour, such that you can only see how dark the horizon and the land itself and the life we were living before when we honour ourself, those around us, the life, the planet truly.
And I for one, don't feel good, from eating what i was eating before, or smoking what i was smoking before, or the relationships I had to people, food, every aspect of my life, was not a good feeling, leading to a better one, not a good experience leading to a better one, i get a taste of a better life now.
In the experiences I'm being lead to, by seeing the difference I can make for me, in my life, in the lives of others, by their example, by my own experiences leading me to conclusions about the ways I could be, the ways I am being, the feeling is better when I don't waste a day doing nothing, or nothing good comes from the food I eat, except the flavour of defeat, that tastes so good at the time, but i know will leave a bitter after taste in the next day or days afterwards, knowing it leads to disease, unease, illness.
We've been sold so many lies, the wisdom is out there, more importantly it's inside us, right now, the power to change is too, just listen harder, with more intent, intention is key, do you intend to watch the planet die, yourself, from ill health, from disease, dosing yourself with chemical cocktails in food or living better and better, healthier days, thoughts, coming from a choice not to feel unworthy of love, loving your own body, your own skin, getting in touch with every inch of it lovingly when you bathe or trying to hastily wash off and rush every action, wash off the sins and shame and fear of failure, every thing that we let hold us back from becoming who we were meant to be in this world, for others, for ourselves, for the transformation of a lifetime to occur overnight, we need to begin today, now.
Tuesday 27 November 2018
Agent Walker of the F.B.O. (Full Body Orgasms)
Do whatever feels right don't worry about following to the letter, it's your Full Body Orgasm...
Lay down where you can read on and feel most comfortable and relax, breath slow and deep with your hands down by your sides. Just be and let yourself sink into that feeling...
Watch your stomach rise as you breath in through your nose drawing it down deep and take the energy and power of your own sexual desire inside like starting a fire in the great outdoors and watching it catch.
Breath out through your mouth and allow your breathing to become slower and longer, feel all the stress of your day exhailed and your loving energy build.
Take the very tips of your fingers and run them slowly teasingly up and down your sides as far up as you can reach and as far down too.
Tickling and lightly grazing your skin, as softly as you can so that it raises goosebumps.
Slowly as you can manage allow your fingers to explore closer and closer to all the areas that you would normally concentrate on only let them cover every inch of skin everywhere else first.
Tease yourself into nearly touching there but don't just yet, oh no you want to enjoy this part.
Let that fire inside build and fill you up, feel how strongly you desire to be touched and where.
Make small circles, and let those fingers find their own rythym, move over your thighs and calves, tickle your stomach in softest slow circles, feeling the heat that is rising and spreading .
Feel the skin of your neck and softly lightly stroke around and around and down as you get closer to your chest. Let the fire inside spread up and down your body, from your core to your extremeties.
Try using one hand on your stomach and the other on your neck and work towards each other.
Discover every inch of your legs and feel how good it is to edge closer and closer to your inner thighs and sex.
Still never touching where you really want, just teasingly exploring what feels good and let the pressure you apply grow to those areas already explored but ever so softly everywhere else.
Move closer and closer to your breasts and sex feeling your whole body engulfed by the fire within, breath it in and out allowing yourself time to feel how good it is just to be in that moment and feel those feelings.
Keep on breathing slow and deep, let it build and build until you can barely take it any more.
And when you can't... finally you can start to softly stroke and explore closer and closer.
Tease & tempt yourself, feeling that fire within ready to explode whenever you desire.
Touch yourself wherever it feels good and exert more pressure.
Never stop playing with that awesome energy and fire.
Feel it engulf your body entirely.
You're Almost There...
I'll leave the rest
up to you
<3