So it's not as close to a death, a betrayal yes but not grieving this time as I quit drinking and smoking things one last time. Again...
What a nightmare a period of such self recrimination, self examination, shame.
How? When I wrote in July how disappointed I was with myself, how much better I though felt this year would have gone without such things going on.
It's a massive let down, a fall backwards into death, my own and I can only hold my head in shame and denial would be too good for me, I can just feel the utter ridiculousness of saying any of this at all.
Addict! Guilty! Liar! Cheat, scum, I've changed. No hair, no beard, no hippy clothes, a haircut and a shave and new things to wear, a new image, new backpack, thanks to those who still give a shit about me, I've been here before but this time it was worse, maybe more acute than others.
This felt like hell and I'm not joking. Hold on this won't be pleasant. Skewed perspective, yes we've been there before. Feelings of a grandeur I dont deserve. Wanting to take on the system, the world. Show them, shake them awake and into knowledge of things I feel they need to learn, openness and honesty without thought for others or the total lack of empathy, yes empathy, when as a healer practitioner I ought to know better.
So back again, wishing the world would end only to discover it has already, no more openness, no more travelling when that's what I've been doing, looking for a semi permanent home, moving between friends places, never feeling like I could stay, wishes bot being horses and self image ruined and burnt to the ground again.
This time its hygiene, mine, self care, habits picked up on the streets, in squats, when it comes to sharing, in hippy life when it comes to caring about others, mask wearing, not doing that for a month in the summer or at all abroad. So I died again.
It could have been real but I hope I know it was just another me, from the past dying.
Songs and tv shows from my youth and childhood coming back, mental imagery I haven't seen, streets I knew vaguely coming to me, memories i haven't touched of places i barely knew but can visualise, trips and journeys i hadn't thought about, people who picked us up as hitchhiker's coming to me now, adventures as I called them.
A different idea from now on, save, earn it all, if it ever becomes possible again, clean!
Dont swear, be calm, dont have too many thoughts, out of the head, into the heart!
So, I died again, went backwards and was shown so many ways not to be. Cant be.
Do it again, be there for others, better habits, wash in the shower that's available, from caravan, to bedroom, to caravan, to porta cabin, to porta cabin, to caravan.
Back to another place I've been before, have a role, work hard, stay clean, do it.
Choosing to save, from now on, hostels.
Wild canal occasionally, get used to the cold, have a body acclimatised to the uk winter for once, no escaping to the warmer places in Europe, didnt last winter either.
Two years in spring since i was in spain last and desperate to see if a friend is alright there, save up, back pack, hostel, travel light with a day pack, santa fe, hot springs, whose there, maybe pay to see the alcazaba this time and actually get to see it this time!
Be a person not a homeless bum hitchhiker See others not notice them looking away...
